One year later

[staystronggirl]

A year or so ago I came to this forum with heartache and confusion. I was the OW and had been for many months. I had ended it but unfortunately still had to see him every day at work and had a lot of common friends socially. I needed help. Although I only made a coupla posts, I read and learned so much. So thanks to all of you for that. I followed the majority of the advice. However, a lot of the tenants that are put forth by this forum unfortunately didn't apply or I just didn't follow, i.e., NC, tell the W, etc.

What I, no, what WE succeeded in doing, he and I, is having a healthy, caring relationship. The first step was saying no more sex, period. That was the hardest. It's still hard, honestly. But once we agreed to not put ourselves in tempting situations, we were OK. We worked really hard at being good friends to eachother; sometimes I was faking it and had to stuff my real emotions and put on the 'friend' face, but I plugged away. Everyday got easier and easier until one day I realized this:

I still get the best of him; his love and support, his advice and companionship. What I no longer have is the pain incumbent to being the OW. Yes he's still married. Is there a tiny part of me that's still waiting for him to leave her? Of course, there always will be! But I've moved on, had a few boyfriends, one pretty serious. HE weighs in on their pros and cons. HE is my biggest cheerleader. So a success story? A lot of men and women on this forum would not consider it one, but I do.

So good luck to you all, I will check in and weigh in occasionally. But my story just proves there is no right or wrong way to end things; so don't stereotype yourself or eachother.

Good Luck,

Staystronggirl

[2sure]

Staystrong -

 

You are still having an affair with him , you know that right?

If his wife does not know what good friends you are - such good friends that you discuss each other's personal relationships in depth - then this relationship is still a secret from her. A secret relationship is an affair.

It may no longer be a PA but certainly it is an EA.

 

You go so far as to state that you would be available should he leave his wife. The PA ended because you discovered he was lieing to you about the nature of his marriage. He was betraying his family and you did not want part of that. Staystrong - you are almost there. In a previous post you admitted that you seem to be attracted to impossible relationships. Thats still what this is. You may no longer feel that you are "waiting " for him to leave his wife and that is good for you. But to be still be in the wings, to be available in case he ever does...there isnt much difference.

[jwi71]

Staystrong -

 

You are still having an affair with him , you know that right?

If his wife does not know what good friends you are - such good friends that you discuss each other's personal relationships in depth - then this relationship is still a secret from her. A secret relationship is an affair.

It may no longer be a PA but certainly it is an EA.

 

You go so far as to state that you would be available should he leave his wife. The PA ended because you discovered he was lieing to you about the nature of his marriage. He was betraying his family and you did not want part of that. Staystrong - you are almost there. In a previous post you admitted that you seem to be attracted to impossible relationships. Thats still what this is. You may no longer feel that you are "waiting " for him to leave his wife and that is good for you. But to be still be in the wings, to be available in case he ever does...there isnt much difference.

 

I kinda see your point staystrong.

 

Does his W know of you? Do all three of you go out and discuss things in depth? What does she know? Because 2Sure is right - secrecy is a tacit admission that something isn't "right". I am not saying tell the W of the PA...what does she know of you two now?

 

And if you have become close friends - how would you characterize his M? What advice can or would you give him?

[whichwayisup]

All it has turned into is an emotional affair and you two are still "getting" something from eachother.. Seems you're abit in denial. Yes, you say you've had a serious boyfriend but what happens if one day the MM decides to actually leave his wife and you're very happy with your new boyfriend..Let's say you're about to be married, or infact GOT married..Then MM decides he wants to pursue you.. In all honesty, how would you feel?

 

Also, HE is still having a very inappropriate friendship with you even if the physical side of it is over. I'm sure his wife would NOT be pleased if she knew the real truth behind the friendship, that is, IF she even knows you exist. You're still hidden and the friendship isn't platonic.

 

The new guy - Does he know your history with the MM? Is he OK with the friendship?

[staystronggirl]

Staystrong -

 

You are still having an affair with him , you know that right?

If his wife does not know what good friends you are - such good friends that you discuss each other's personal relationships in depth - then this relationship is still a secret from her. A secret relationship is an affair.

 

She knows we are friends. She knows we talk once or twice a week on chat. She knows that sometimes we socialize (again, we have many mutual friends) in a group. She's often there. She knows that we have been on business trips together. We NEVER have one on one time by design. If it happens on accident, we maintain a respectful distance. It's been put to the test and we passed.

 

As for his relationship with his wife: He stopped with the cheating. Or at least telling me about it because he knows I can't tolerate hearing about it. He knows I will repeat, "then you need to get a divorce." I have always felt that way. Now it's just an objective opinion. I feel sad for him and her and wish he would leave her. I advise counseling. Kind of hypocritical and weird for me to say that, and I sometimes have to caution myself against protesting too much. But I know I would never be happy in any kind of committed-romantic relationship with him. I tell him that our affair ruined about 2 years of my life and he agrees.

 

You go so far as to state that you would be available should he leave his wife. But to be still be in the wings, to be available in case he ever does...there isnt much difference

After reading your input, I thought deeply about whether or not i'm waiting in the wings. Let me just say, I know that I would NEVER have another romantic or intimate relationship with my xMM. He is not what i'm looking for at all! The things that first attracted me to him, his quietness, his casual attitude toward relationships, were chemistry, not companionship. I'm not into him at all in the real world. When I say a small part of me, I mean the self-hating, trainwreck part. The part I don't listen to anymore. I've accepted this part of me and realize that I cannot love myself and be in any kind of affair.

As a husband/ lover he's a cheater. He's very selfish and can be a liar. However, as a friend, he is non-judgemental. As a friend, he supports me and wants good things for me. We've been through a lot and we trust eachother. I guess he realized I'm too good for him and he wants only the best for me. How great is that?

[2sure]

It sounds like you have finally realized that you deserve more than an impossible relationship. Better yet - you deserve a good relationship! It took me a long time to realize my own self worth was a direct reflection of the relationships I chose.

 

I know you are friends with this man. But honestly, I think as you grow and gain even more self confidence in yourself...you will at the same time continue to respect him less. He still feeds a part of you. When you dont need that from him...you will want to give him up.

 

You'll see!

[staystronggirl]

I first want to say, thanks all for your meaningful and well written responses. Definitely food for thought.Please indulge me with a few more words.

My friend, my XMM, and I have over the past year gotten to know each other. Not the bodice ripping, midnight door-knock kind of way, but in in another very intense way. We went to war together. As you can assume, you learn a lot about someone that way. We were in the desert for 4 months together. And yes, it was a relationship. A unique one. I guess I don't know if it was an EA. I didn't feel like we were hiding anything, but I'm a big time self-delusionist so I'll have to ponder it. I realize now that the fog has cleared that even if he did get a D, which I hope he does, I am not the next step. That's of off the table at this point. We both agree. Back to the "at war" thing, we spent a lot of hours talking, mostly about what a-holes we were. We spent a lot of hours doing things that really reveal a person's personality and morals, etc. From that time together we've come to some conclusions: the biggest one for me is we are definitely not suitable for any long term romantic relationship. We know that now. It's a very good feeling. But a BIG thanks for your cautionary words. I will definitely keep those in my head if, like an addict, I think, well just a little won't hurt, right?

[2sure]

Yep. From the outside looking in, its easy to see you are justifying the continued relationship as a close friendship.

 

And it is!!

 

You justify (and I'm saying this kindly) the relationship by claiming his wife is aware of it, maybe even condones it. BUT she doesnt have the FACTS does she? She doesnt know you have slept with him, she doesnt know you have been in love. If she did I promise she would be devestated. So, its all a secret still. Its her life, her husband, she makes decisions with her marriage and family in mind...but she doesnt have the facts. "Its Over" you say, "What she doesnt know cant hurt her".

 

Really? Is that what you think?

 

If for nothing else - give him up for your OWN Karma.

 

I was an OW. I got married. When my H cheated, I couldnt help but wonder...ya know?

[jwi71]

I can't make up my mind. Is this good or not for staystrong?

 

Tough one.

 

Can a man and a woman be friends and only friends. Yes.

Can a man and woman who were once lovers be only friends? Not sure.

Can a man and a woman who had an Affair be only friends? Tougher still!

 

Its hard because you already crossed the line. And a glass once broken cannot be "unbroken".

 

So - can they just be friends or is staystrong kidding herself?

 

I honestly can't decide.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah, you are still in an A. But if you feel better just calling it a friendship, so be it.

[staystronggirl]

Yep. From the outside looking in, its easy to see you are justifying the continued relationship as a close friendship.

 

And it is!!

 

You justify (and I'm saying this kindly) the relationship by claiming his wife is aware of it, maybe even condones it. BUT she doesnt have the FACTS does she? She doesnt know you have slept with him, she doesnt know you have been in love. If she did I promise she would be devestated. So, its all a secret still. Its her life, her husband, she makes decisions with her marriage and family in mind...but she doesnt have the facts. "Its Over" you say, "What she doesnt know cant hurt her".

 

Really? Is that what you think?

 

If for nothing else - give him up for your OWN Karma.

 

I was an OW. I got married. When my H cheated, I couldnt help but wonder...ya know?

 

2sure, first off, I'm sorry that your H cheated. Also, thanks for your opinion. I feel blessed for it.

 

You are absolutely right, she would be devastated. That is the bad Karma I created two years ago. You know how people say, No regrets! Well, for me, that's BS. I regret every single time I slept with him. But there is nothing I can do to change my mistakes. Nothing.

 

What I CAN do, though, is make the best of my current situation. . As fate has it, we are literally within arms reach every day. Being in our line of work, there is an absolute must for comraderie. Any kind of "we're strictly coworkers" doesnt cut it. You should see when people dont' get along. It's devastating to the rest of the unit.

 

I would guess that if the MM and I weren't in the same squad, we probably would have gone separate ways and I never would have been able to forgive myself or him. But on a deeper level, I have been forced to deal with my demons, by seeing him every day. And forgive myself. I had to. That's one of the best things out of the whole deal. I see him now, warts and all. And we're cool.

 

The thing I like the most about the responses I've gotten is they make me think about WHY we still have such a close relationship.

 

I dunno, maybe it's still an A. But what to do? How do I quit that? Not speak to him? Cut him out completely? Do you think if I froze him at work and downrange, if I made a big reveal to his wife that 2 years ago we had a 6 month SA, it would make anything better?

 

Would that be the only way to 100% restore my honor in the universe? Honestly I'm asking. I am firmly against that, I must say. To me that would only dredge up something dead. Something we've both, in my opinion buried.