Jump to content

A Post to MM who have affairs???


SupportGroupie

Recommended Posts

SupportGroupie

Help us out here MM.

 

If you are a married man and had an affair..pls tell me why? How long did it last, did you love the OW or did u just want to get laid?

 

Do you ever really envision a life or dating relationship with the OT? How do you live with the lies you give when you go back home after a night of being with OW?

 

How do you lay in bed with us, then lay in bed with them and lie about where u were?

 

Is it just the thrill of no strings....the sex, the fact that she is not your ball and chain...and u can just get the good parts of the the affair and not have to deal with with life issues?

 

If u had affair for several years, then got separated...did you seek out that OW for dating, etc or did it end..?

 

How many MM actually ended up with their affair person?? AND what would make you not cheat on her?

 

Do you feel if u cheat once, you will cheat again??

 

MM pls help us understand....i knows its exciting and fun, but how often do u lie about things to us and them? WHY NOT just get out of a marriage if it is bad...?

 

JUST help

 

I know being the OW is a bad role and we share half the responsibility...but why lie about it to us, why keep telling us u love us, then go home and sleep with your wives and tell them what they want to hear?

 

WHAT are u doing here? Does it bother you to be this guy who cheats or do you just compartmentalize it all and go off and have fun?

 

HELP....

many of us are hurting badly from MM strigning us along for years and years. THEN u eventually get separated and it seems u are not really coming our way

 

ARGH it hurts. I am not a hater, nor am i trying to go off at you men, just trying to heal my heart, move on and learn how to trust a man...some day

SG

Link to post
Share on other sites

There are 2 types of cheaters: 1 the one-time A, 2nd, the serial cheater...

 

IMO, I think the one time A is living a "grass is greener" type situation. I thinks it's what he feels is a "quick fix" to what he is lacking in the marriage. Eventually the guilt is too much and he goes back to working on the M.

 

The serial cheater, I feel was a cheater long before he was M and will continue long after. I think it's classic narcissism. One woman out, another one in. This guy is toxic and will do nothing but destroy your heart. They are great game players and will tell you whatever they think you need to hear and get u sucked in.

 

In the end, the results are the same--the OW winds up hurt and heartbroken. Lesson?? MM are OFF LIMITS, period...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SupportGroupie

AMEN SierraR

thanks. I am coming to understand a lot more. I was never naive to men, or ever beleived i could long for someone in such an immoral way, or let myself be treated like this...but i did do it.

 

I agree..MM bad news. I am eager and yet heartbroken to move on

thanks for the support so much

SG

Link to post
Share on other sites

Support groupie -

 

Your question, while straight forward , is the first question asked by every betrayed spouse and the last question answered ...if at all. A marriage can recover or end without the question being answered.

 

WS ALWAYS depict their marriage or lives as unhappy. Sometimes this is true, but often just an offering to justify the affair.

 

When it IS true - the unhappiness with the marriage often starts with the WS. Their personal unhappiness, insecurity, etc...eventually affects the marriage, and then yes - the marriage flounders. If an A happens during this time, it seems like the marriage was destructing anyway - so the issue of why never gets answered to its root. Affairs are selfish. They can be justified sometimes, but are always a selfish act. Ask a selfish person why anything and they wont admit even to themselves that they are selfish. Ask an unselfish person why and they will point to someone else.

 

So, your question - while straight forward , and answerable, usually goes unanswered.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would alter 2Sure's post just a bit.

 

You ask the WS, he/she will paint a grim picture - and how he/she is the victim.

 

The BS has no clue. Ask him/her and you they would say the M is happy overall.

 

I would agree that the WS is unhappy about something. But chooses the cowards way out - an A.

 

Perspective counts- I had no idea my WS felt how she did. I bet this is true of most BS.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, it looks like you haven't received any responses from MM, so I'll be the first. You asked a lot of questions, but I'll try....

 

If you are a married man and had an affair..pls tell me why? How long did it last, did you love the OW or did u just want to get laid?

 

Why? That's a tough one. It wasn't like I was looking for fulfillment outside my marriage. I met a woman online and we connected. I never expected anything like that to happen, but it did. I actually told my wife about the OW about 2 months after the fact.

 

It lasted about 8 months, 6 of which came after I told my wife.

 

It felt like I loved the OW. Many would say it was just infatuation, but it felt like love to me.

 

Do you ever really envision a life or dating relationship with the OT? How do you live with the lies you give when you go back home after a night of being with OW?

 

Yes, I did envision a life with her. I still do sometimes.

 

I couldn't live with the lies, that's why I told my wife. I actually wanted to tell her after one month, but her father died then, and I didn't want to hit her with news of an affair at that time.

 

How do you lay in bed with us, then lay in bed with them and lie about where u were?

 

Well, I actually never met the OW in person. We mostly communicated by phone and email. Sex with my wife has been non-existent for a while, so there was no laying in bed with her and lying about time with the OW.

 

Is it just the thrill of no strings....the sex, the fact that she is not your ball and chain...and u can just get the good parts of the the affair and not have to deal with with life issues?

 

Not for me. I became so intimately connected with her that I wanted to leave my wife and pursue a relationship with her. She wouldn't let me, didn't want to be a home-wrecker. Wanted me to first get some counseling and give my marriage an honest try. At first, I didn't understand that, but now I respect her for taking that position. If I had left my marriage when I wanted to, I'd be racked with guilt over breaking up my family.

 

If u had affair for several years, then got separated...did you seek out that OW for dating, etc or did it end..?

How many MM actually ended up with their affair person?? AND what would make you not cheat on her?

 

Doesn't apply to me, I'm still married.

 

Do you feel if u cheat once, you will cheat again??

 

I sure hope not. Even though I'm glad I met this particular OW and still have fond memories of her, I hope it never happens again. It's much too painful to go through the process of recovering from an affair. I agree SO much with the advice given on the infidelity forum: either divorce your wife, or get counseling and fix your marriage; don't get involved in an affair. Amen to THAT!!

 

MM pls help us understand....i knows its exciting and fun, but how often do u lie about things to us and them? WHY NOT just get out of a marriage if it is bad...?

 

Very little lying for me. My conscience wouldn't let me. But I'm not sure that that's normal. From what I read on this site, distorting the truth is common.

 

Why not get out if it's bad? Well, for me, I didn't think it was that bad until I met the OW. I was ok with living in a lifeless marriage. Connecting with the OW woke me up to the state of my marriage. Before meeting her, I didn't understand how broken my marriage was. And before my wife found out, neither did she.

 

I know being the OW is a bad role and we share half the responsibility...but why lie about it to us, why keep telling us u love us, then go home and sleep with your wives and tell them what they want to hear?

 

Why lie about WHAT to you? In my case, when I told the OW that I loved her, I meant it. I had such conflict over the feelings I had for her while being married to another. I knew I shouldn't have let it happen, but since it was the first (and I hope only) time it had happened, I wasn't smart enough to nip it in the bud.

 

I didn't go home to my wife and tell her what she wanted to hear; I told her what she DIDN'T want to hear, the truth, and now we're in painful recovery.

 

WHAT are u doing here? Does it bother you to be this guy who cheats or do you just compartmentalize it all and go off and have fun?

 

What am I doing here, as in on this forum? Looking for answers, just like you. :)

 

Yes, it bothered me to have an affair. It still does bother me that I let it happen.

 

HELP....

many of us are hurting badly from MM strigning us along for years and years. THEN u eventually get separated and it seems u are not really coming our way

 

Well, I don't know how much this helped, but I do appreciate the hurt you feel. Before finding this website, I was of the mindset that OW were predatory. But I've learned that most get lulled into an affair just like I did. I'm not trying to minimize my complicity in the affair, but it's something I never thought would happen. It has upside-downed my life big-time. I HAVE thought about what I would do if I get separated. My wife and I are struggling with things and separation is a very real possibililty. I'd be hesitant about resuming contact with the OW, but I suppose I eventually would. I really did care about her, and I'd be worried about rebound problems. You can probably tell from this post that I haven't really gotten over her. It's true, I probably think about her every day, and it's something that gets in the way of marriage recovery. I feel that I don't have 100% to give to my marriage because part of me still thinks about her. What's worse is when I tell my wife that. She wants me to be completely honest, and I am, but it really hurts me to say that to her because it hurts her so much.

 

ARGH it hurts. I am not a hater, nor am i trying to go off at you men, just trying to heal my heart, move on and learn how to trust a man...some day

SG

 

It hurts me too, and I feel your hurt. Hopefully you WILL learn to trust again. For me, I decided a long time ago that I was always going to trust, unless a person proved otherwise. I'd rather approach things with a trusting attitude and take the risk of getting hurt, than be guarded and not let myself open up to all that love has to offer. Some might think this is too naive, and maybe if I was hurt enough times, I'd become more jaded, I don't know. But for now, that's the way I approach things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SupportGroupie

RobertLS

Wow thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful ad honest response. It really helps. I did want men's opinions. I have to say that I think you handled yours in a great way, as best as possible. Kudos to you for being honest when you could.

 

I do believe that some men never really thought of cheating, and end up doing it during weak times, and because women are so willing to do it...too.

 

My heart is so heavy right now...all signs tell me to run run run..but its so hard when the man u waited for ..for so long, is finally sort of free...and now it seems he is not interested or too confused or worse yet..probably met someone else ...and his focus has changed.

 

I am slapping myself and thinking HOW PATHETIC I feel for all this. I was so careful and consiencous about his wife. I told him to talk to her, be honest, never leave her for me, get therapy, that i did not want to be physical with him or speak loving words while he was married.

 

But now that he is separated (or so he says) its painful to not have that chance. I never trusted him I guess and thats a huge sign. HUGE. Its living in a different state and having no clue really about who this man is, what is true and whats is lies.

 

Its an unhealthy way to live. I have since changed my moral views..tho i never ever thought i would be with a married man, have an affair...I did. I hated the guilt and imorality...and actually since have come to new faith and morality which is the best part.

 

I just hate feeling like i wasted 6 years and was lied to. BUT i can only imagine how the wife of a cheater feels. Thats worse. So my pain pales in comparison to that of a wife who has a cheating husband...so i must sit with my pain, learn and grow.

 

Thanks for your ear, time...help. It means the world to me..

 

I wish you luck and am soryr for your pain.....

Hugs and support

The Support Groupie

Link to post
Share on other sites

Robert if you are not over the OW then what would stop you from contacting her if you left? There would be potential rebound problems with anyone?

 

Do you simply feel that you had feelings for her but she wasnt "the one" or that you had feelings for her but its not a relationship that you would want to pursue on a full time basis?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Focus_On_The_Process

Hi. I will take a crack. I have another thread over in separation and divorce if you want to read a little bit more about my circumstances. Up front I should say that I don't think that you can generalize answers to any of this. Every situation is different. I don't know yours. I do believe that there are toxic men out there. (Once had a friend refer to me as his "wingman" when we were going to a bar - wtf?) Can't say if you've found one or not. If yes, walk away. Others among us mean to do good, but have horrible ideas about what that means. And some people just slip up. Anyway...

 

If you are a married man and had an affair..pls tell me why? How long did it last, did you love the OW or did u just want to get laid?

 

In my case, I felt like I was a great husband, and that I wasn't being appreciated at home. In fact I wasn't a great husband; I was using my definition of "great," not hers. But that's how I felt. Our marriage was less than wonderful.

 

Some were just a night. One's gone seven years. In two cases, yes I think that "love" is the right word.

 

Honestly (or maybe I'm just kidding myself?) it was never just wanting to get laid. I have a hand I could take care of that myself if it was all that I needed. It was about getting a rise - attracting and drawing a response, feeling appreciated. Getting laid was sometimes a consequence. But that's never what it was primarily about.

 

Do you ever really envision a life or dating relationship with the OT?

 

Not really. I never lied about my status or my intention. And I've never intended to leave my wife. In that one long term case yes there's a little mutual "Wonder what mighta happened...?" conversation, but we're both up front that it's just a fantasy.

 

How do you live with the lies you give when you go back home after a night of being with OW?

 

How do you lay in bed with us, then lay in bed with them and lie about where u were?

 

Well, I've almost never actively lied, just lies of omission. But obviously there was lots of that.

 

Our first MC said that I'm a master at "compartmentalization," which serves me very well in some settings e.g. business and professional, but also enables here.

 

I'd add my own observation that it appears to be a somewhat (?) common alpha male trait - aggressive men who certainly consider themselves "good," and who actually do do lots of good, but have this huge problem / blind spot. Lots and lots of powerful business and political examples. And I wonder about the ones that we don't know.

 

Is it just the thrill of no strings....the sex, the fact that she is not your ball and chain...and u can just get the good parts of the the affair and not have to deal with with life issues?

 

No, I don't think so. It's the fact that she responds to my effort and appreciates my attention.

 

I do wonder, though, if it would continue... If we did have to deal with all life's issues.

 

And (I think that?) I realize, finally, the ways that I was "loving" my wife were exactly wrong when it comes to creating this sort of response. The ways I'd seek this sort of response in other settings were exactly the sorts of things I should have been doing at home. Until a few weeks ago, I'd tell you that I didn't invest *anything* in any of my affairs - No money, no help, no acts of service... Just time and attention when I had it to spare. I saved the former for my wife only, because that's who I "loved." Realizing, finally, that my wife wanted the latter - she wanted that time and attention - and maybe if I do a better job giving it, she'll offer me a similar response.

 

If u had affair for several years, then got separated...did you seek out that OW for dating, etc or did it end..?

 

Here's a part that may be important?

 

At this point I am facing the very real prospect of a separation or divorce.

 

If that happens, (I think that?) I will cut off all contact with the OW.

 

The guilt / hurt of ruining one family is enough. I don't want to be anywhere near the possibility of ruining another. (OW is married too.)

 

How many MM actually ended up with their affair person?? AND what would make you not cheat on her?

 

Do you feel if u cheat once, you will cheat again??

 

If I / we don't address the reasons why I cheat, then yeah it will happen again.

 

If we can get to those root causes... I'd like to think no.

 

MM pls help us understand....i knows its exciting and fun, but how often do u lie about things to us and them?

 

Setting aside my wife, it sounds like you're dealing with a MM who gave you cause to believe that he might be more emotionally attached and/or available to you than is now the case. I never lied about anything like that.

 

WHY NOT just get out of a marriage if it is bad...?

 

Kids. Pride. Embarrassment. Being unwilling to admit failure. And so on...

 

I know being the OW is a bad role and we share half the responsibility...but why lie about it to us, why keep telling us u love us, then go home and sleep with your wives and tell them what they want to hear?

 

WHAT are u doing here? Does it bother you to be this guy who cheats or do you just compartmentalize it all and go off and have fun?

 

HELP....

many of us are hurting badly from MM strigning us along for years and years. THEN u eventually get separated and it seems u are not really coming our way

 

ARGH it hurts. I am not a hater, nor am i trying to go off at you men, just trying to heal my heart, move on and learn how to trust a man...some day

SG

 

All this last stuff... I'm sorry I don't think that I can be much help. I don't know the details of your personal situation; I'm sure that it's not really the same as mine.

 

It sounds like he's hurt you, and pretty sharply, maybe more sharply than he knows. It sounds like you feel that you've been lied to, and misled, and that it wasn't really what you'd signed up for.

 

Just trying to share a little bit of my own personal circumstances and thoughts, in case it might help you or someone else.

 

Hang in there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SupportGroupie

Hey Focus

Thanks deeply for your time and insight and really reading my post and trying to answer all my questions. I know its always complicated and the OW never knows what really goes on with the MM and his wife.

 

Sometimes I am baffled a man / or woman would go 5 years, 7 yrs in an affair and still have the balls to go home to their spouse as if nothing happened. Wish it were easier..lol

 

BUT half the thrill is probably that you only see the good sides of the affair person, or rather you dont have to deal with the daily crap, and real issues that arise with "real" relationships. Who knows.

 

Part of me wants to be patient and let this person come around in his own time, and MOST of me says RUN FORREST RUN, RUN GIRL..dont look back...hufff pufff...

 

I dont think I will ever know the truth nor have what I think would be healthy and honest so i dont kid myself with this man. He hurt me badly, badly, and I let him. My fault. I dont hate men, I dont hate him, i dont have hate in my body. I dated some fantastic men I did trust, it just sux that the one u think you click with the most...is not available..

 

BUT perhaps moving on you just find what y ou need. Will I ever have what i had with this man, perhaps not. But i dont want to live a lie, lie to anyone or myself. Nor do i want to sit up at night and wonder what this man is doing when he is not with me.

 

I am sorry you have had to go through a hard time, or decided to bring that into your marriage. I wish you peace and happiness...whomever u end up with. I think its hard being the OW and then not being chosen or even considered once the marriage ends.

 

But thats the law of nature, and I believe I deserve what I get if I put myself in immormal and emotionally dangerous situations. I take my hits.

 

thx so much for your help, it is really helpful

good luck in your future love, endeavers....relationships....and be happy

Supp Grpy

Link to post
Share on other sites
Robert if you are not over the OW then what would stop you from contacting her if you left? There would be potential rebound problems with anyone?

 

I didn't mean to imply that I wouldn't contact her, just that I'd be hesitant to, and by that I meant hesitant to right away. I'd want to recover first, get used to single life, get back on my feet, etc. In theory, I'd want to wait until the threat of rebound problems wouldn't be an issue. In theory, yes, but in reality, I'd probably have a hard time resisting.

 

Do you simply feel that you had feelings for her but she wasnt "the one" or that you had feelings for her but its not a relationship that you would want to pursue on a full time basis?

 

No, the feelings I had did feel like "the one." But being married to someone else when "the one" comes along makes it difficult, impossible to purse on a full time basis. We both agreed that we'd love to explore a relationship together, but not under the auspices of an affair. There's no freedom there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Support Groupie, I don't know your entire story, but it sounds very painful and draining. My sister was in a situation like you, though for not as long. When her MM didn't respond to her after leaving his wife, she finally got tired of waiting for him and decided to move on. She's now socializing with a long time girl-friend who's divorced, and they're both having a blast getting back into the dating scene with each other's support. I would imagine you'd feel better too if you could release your MM, release the hold he has on you, and free yourself to move forward. My sister felt so much better when she was able to do that, like taking a breath of fresh spring air. Good luck to you, and I hope things resolve for you soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
... I don't think that you can generalize answers to any of this. Every situation is different.

 

I think that the responses of both MM who have written in this thread show that this is the case. I'd like to thank you both for talking about how it is from individuals on the other side of the fence.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And (I think that?) I realize, finally, the ways that I was "loving" my wife were exactly wrong when it comes to creating this sort of response. The ways I'd seek this sort of response in other settings were exactly the sorts of things I should have been doing at home. Until a few weeks ago, I'd tell you that I didn't invest *anything* in any of my affairs - No money, no help, no acts of service... Just time and attention when I had it to spare. I saved the former for my wife only, because that's who I "loved." Realizing, finally, that my wife wanted the latter - she wanted that time and attention - and maybe if I do a better job giving it, she'll offer me a similar response.

 

 

This is what I think a lot of MM find out after the A is over and they find out what their W's really wanted from them.

 

It wasn't more money, or a bigger house, or any of those tangible big ticket items to keep up with the Joneses. It was your time and attention, just like when you got married.

 

Very insightful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been married to my OW for nearly forty years. She is my best friend, my lover and soulmate. There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank the good lord for allowing me to call this beautiful woman my wife.

 

We met the year that my last child was getting ready to move out of the house. She was the first person that I let get close to me in all of the time that I was married. I knew, knew that I needed to be with her. I divorced and we married. She was not the sort of woman that you ask to be "the other" for very long, she never would have tolerated it and I never would have disrespected her by asking her to do so.

 

As for cheating on her? No, never. Like any other living, breathing person, I have looked at members of the opposite sex during our marriage. However, I certainly would never have disrespected her by cheating on her. Truly, I would sooner die than hurt her.

 

As others have said, there are many different stories on this board.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...