the "old" best friend

[Teag]

OK I'm confused and know what I should do but not sure I can do the right thing. This is my situation and I'm sure its much like everyone's here but this is the first time I've been on this side of things.

 

OK, about 2-3 yrs ago I got back in touch with my best guy friend from high school. After high school, we just kinda went seperate ways (just grew apart), I went to the "dark" side (partying, drugs ect) while he continued to do his thing, we still talked but we weren't attached at the hip anymore, well he met this girl who after a few months he broke up with, while they were broke up they still "saw" each other and she got pregnant (she has since admited to his mom that she did it on purpose. well he married her to do the right thing, ok fastforward to 3yrs ago when we "found" wach other, he moved out of state and we got to be friends again and picked up where we left off. I'm now married with 2 kids, been married 6 yrs now, I've been unhappy in my marriage about 3yrs now, but I just can't get myself to leave.

 

Anyway about a yr ago we started talking and flirting online and over texting and I found out he had always had a crush on me throughout high school, but didn't want to ruin our friendship so he never said anything. At that time I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend back then. He came down to visit this past weekend and he ended up soming over while my husband was out of town. My mom just happened to be staying the night and was in my room watching TV while we were out in the living room talking and he kissed me, needless to say it felt like I was 16yrs old again making out in the livingroom and if my mom wouldn't have been there it would have went alot further than just kissing.

 

I haven't been "interested" in my hubby in a LONG time and it's like a chore having sex with him, he hasn't turned me on in at least 2 yrs if not longer. The way I felt the other night, he "woke" me up, and it felt so good to know I haven't completely lost being a sexual being. I talked to him today and he's telling me he can't stop thinking about us and he finally feel what my lips felt like and all that sweet stuff. I'm getting the butterflies in my stomache and can't stop thinking about him. And now I am kicking myself for not seeing him in another light when I could have had him, ,body, mind and soul. Now we are both stuck in loveless marriages. Neither of us feels like we can really leave. I'm new at this and I have been there, my hubby cheated on me a few years ago and I do know how it feels, and I know I should jujst stop it right now before anything elses happens, but I don't think I can. So many thought are going through my mind right now, its so hard to sort through it all and all my feelings. I thought I would feel guilty about it but I don't, not at all.

 

Anyway any thoughts on this, any advice?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Divorce your husband - let him go and give him primary custody so that he can find happiness with someone who wants to be with him and will help him establish a more stable and happy environment for your children, and so that your children will not be stuck with a mother who resents their father and only keeps him around for obligatory reasons, and become this guy's OW.

 

Continue on this way until either your heart dies from the constant pressure of knowing that he will never be more to you than someone else's husband, or until you gather the strength to walk away from someone who will never be more to you than someone else's husband.

 

It doesn't really matter what advice you get really - regardless of what you do, this outcome is about the best you can expect to happen. If you stay married, your H will find out eventually and it will most likely lead to divorce because I don't see you letting go of the MM to save your marriage. If you tell him, and divorce him that would be more humane, but either way you will lose your family and your status as full time parent, and you will spend a majority of your time heartbroken and alone for as long as you continue to be with your MM.

 

You may find happiness one day with someone else. You at least have a greater chance at that than you do ending up with MM, so all is not lost.

[lkjh]

first off I doubt he is going to leave his wife and life for you. Sorry but that is how it usually goes. Second you need to grow up. If you are so insecure that you need your high school crush to feel good about yourself then you do not need to be married. Life is not a fairy tell; people have good and bad times. When a marriage gets boring you don't just cheat you deal with it. If you can not handle all of this you need to get divorced.

[frannie]

You say your H cheated on you a 'few years' ago, but you've only been married six years. I'm wondering what MC or IC you (both?) had to resolve whatever caused that and help you move forward together? Do you think there's any element of a 'revenge affair' here in what you're feeling for this man?

[Teag]

My H will never get full custody of our kids considering he cares more about his beer and "weed" than he does about us. My H cheated on me twice, one 3 yrs ago and again last year and I have tried everything to save my marriage. This is the first time I have ever even thought about cheating on my H and he has put me through hell. How dare you call me a bad mother just bc I happen to kiss another man. My H refuses to go to marriage couseling and refuses to give up his addictions. Our marriage and relationship was "perfect" until he started drinking. He started going out "partying" with his best friend (read some of my old post from years ago) Everytime I go to leave my H, I think about the fact that he has nowhere to go and I feel like it would be my fault if he was living on the streets or living from one friends house to the next.

 

This guy was not a high school crush, he was my best friend, I never thought of him this way until recently. I'm not dumb enough to think he'll leave her especially when I have a hard time leaving my H.

 

And thanks frannie for not critisizing. My H cheated on my 3 years ago(while I was pregnant w/ our 2nd child) b/c I became the boring wife who never wanted to go out anymore. I'd rather sit home with my kids than party like I use to. Last year it was an emotional affair and it was b/c I became a bitch and never talked to him.. But how can I talk to a man who is more interesting in getting drunk and high than spend time with his family.

 

Just alittle back ground- when I was preg w/ our 2nd baby (now 2 1/2) the night before I was to be induced he wanted to go next door to "celebrate" (which he did every night) I asked him to be home early b/c we had to get up at 5am, well he didn't get home til 2am and when he came home drunk he started yelling at me b/c I was upset with him. he yelled at me until about 3:30-4am so I only got about an hour of sleep the night before I had our son. I got up started to have contractions before I left the house and had to drive myself the the hosp. b/c he was still too drunk to drive us. And did I mention he was passed out the whole time I was in labor.

 

Now LucreziaBorgia, tell me he will get full custody of our children just b/c I kissed another man.

 

My main problem is I have a hard time getting up the "nerve" to tell him Idon't want to be with him anymore.

[Owl]

It's not 'nerve'...look at my signature for the best guidance on "telling" that you can get.

 

It really is that simple.

 

If your marriage is that bad...end it. Don't end it because you want to be with someone else...end it because it's that bad, and it's unrecoverable.

 

Don't "consider cheating"...break off relations with this other guy for now...file for D, make it happen...and when you're free and clear...see if there's an opportunity there.

 

What's stopping you from doing this...today?

[Teag]

It's the doing part thats the problem, I am such a non-confrontational person and it is so hard just to do it. I really don't know why its so hard bc those feelings are gone, why not now, i don't want to ruin christmas since things are ok right now. The only time I get up the "guts" to do it is when we're fighting but most of the time he's drunk and I stop myself in fear he'll go out and actually drive somewhere and either kill or hurt himself or someone else. I almost want him to cheat on me again and although it will still hurt me it will push me to make him leave. It' jujst alot harder than I ever thought it would be.

 

But I think I am going to try and bring our (the om) relationship back to friend level, I really don't want to cut him off completely b/c he's still a person I can talk to about anything and I would hate to loose that, I lost contact with him for 4 yrs before I can do it again if I need to. I"m just so confused about all these emotions that are going through me.

[frannie]

Teag, do you have any friends or family members that can help you, give you support? Have you thought about joining a support group for people with alcoholics as partners? What about IC if you can afford it?

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I know you know that being in a relationship with a MM/OM isn't really going to help at all and its just going to complicate things.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Teag,

It sounds like you need is a good old fashioned divorce. The big D word. You are unhappy in your marriage, definitely. Don't use your old flame as your rationale for getting out of your marriage. Or, if your marriage is truly salvagable, take earnest steps in fixing it.

 

If your ex is as important to you as you feel now, once you are out of your marriage, re-examine your possible R with your ex. You may have completely different feelings, or they may be just as strong as you are feeling. But you seriously need to address why you remain in your marriage and why you are so reluctant to face conflict with your H.

 

And I'm in the been-there-and-done-that club, I was in a loveless marriage for 8 years, with only perhaps the first 6 months being happy and thriving. Jump ship girl!

 

--LG.

[2sure]

Your husband and marriage sound too terrible to live with. I am sure seeing this old crush and feeling things you have not for a long time is a welcome relief from the reality of your current circumstance. In fact, given what your marriage has been like, I dont blame you in the least.

 

It is possible this man's marriage is going through a lull or difficult period.

I am sure his wife is sensing there are problems.

 

Your problems, your husband's issues, your dysfunctional marriage can in no way justify your participation in this woman's LIFE.

 

Her husband is making a mistake. He should leave her if the marriage is over. People do it all the time, many children live through divorce. If he isnt divorcing, he wants the marriage.

 

Your life and marriage need repair. Dont take anyone else down with you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

All parenting and custody issues aside, throwing an affair into the mix certainly won't help. It didn't help when he did it, and I can tell you it won't help if you do it. It will only make things far, far worse.

 

I don't see a better way out than a divorce. You can't let your guilt about it keep you and your children in this situation. It isn't healthy for any of you.