Walking away

[jj33]

I read the threads of struggle and am struck by how far I have come over the past year. The ending of the A caused me more pain than I could ever have imagined. And for months I grappled with what had been and what was left and how to deal with my interactions with MM.

 

The emotional pain was unlike any I have ever known. Perhaps that is just me and others deal with it better. But it was horrible and it seemed unending. I look back now and I cant believe I allowed myself to be so miserable because of a failed relationship.

 

But the root it seems to me is that I lost perspective at some point when we were together. I lost sight of the fact that if I wasnt happy with the dynamic I needed to get out and stay out rather than getting out and then being cajoled into going back to it, only to have the same dynamic resurface again.

 

For those of you who are "waiting" for one thing or another. All I can say is NEVER EVER wait. If you are waiting it means you are not on the same page. No good comes of waiting. As in WS's brilliant former tag line, it makes you an option which is devastating to one's self esteem. The moment you are wondering what should I do, what can I do? Why how when? then you are no longer the desired. You are whether you want to believe it or not, the option and in some cases, even if in a passive way, the pursuer.

 

Not a good place to be and not the makings of a relationship that will ever see the light of day.

 

Being on the other side of the pain is a great relief. I still miss him sometimes but thats no different than any love relationship where you look back fondly at people you have been involved with in the past. Its not unique because it was an affair. But I hate the fact that I compromised my values and put myself in a position where I came second. And I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. And I have to face this man and look him in the eye and hold my head high knowing that I let him give me less than I deserved. And I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be in that position. As time goes on it bothers me less. He is an ex lover who unfortunately I have to face from time to time. There is really nothing more to say about it.

 

Not going back to the PA has been very difficult at times, but its the best thing I ever did. If I had let myself go back to it, the cycle would have continued. So for those of you who wonder does he think of me? Of course he does. Does he love me? You have to assume he does. Why not you may never know so you may as well assume the best.

 

But regardless of whether he thinks of you or he loves you, if he cant give you what you want out of a relationship, then who cares?? They are not worth your tears. It takes time to see that but they are not.

 

If its meant to work out it will, but waiting and hoping is not the way to get the result you want. Living your life and letting them get on with theirs is the only answer in my view.

[me003]

I could not have said it better myself.

[Die Hard]

Fantastic post jj33!

 

I couldn't have said it any better either.

[Benique]

Jj33,

 

 

Agreeing with other site members I should admit,your post is indeed great .

A great help to those who needs some advice in same situations .

 

A great pain of breaking up is else adding to the pain of the thought you have not been respected when you gave all of yours ,

you gave love ,did not get even respect back .

Yes, it hurts a lot at first , then you get some relief , then you live in some imaginative world ,then you walk away ,then you get renewal and your emotions let you believe ,you may still live ,though without him whom you ..................... (does not matter already)

 

 

 

 

Pain is always bitter .

[jj33]

Thanks all. What really gets me is the whole thing that at some point the OP becomes the pursuer, even if passively because when you are toing and froing how did I get into this, what can I do to make this work out... its a bad place to be.

 

who wants to be in a position where they are hoping and praying a marriage will end? Its so ugly.

 

And who wants to be with someone who isnt able to act on their feelings and move forward with the relationship?

 

Its all hideous. And the emotional fallout afterward is somehow worse than a normal break up even tho it shouldnt be. Really break ups are break ups.

[BrotherD]

Hey

 

Thanks for posting

 

you summed it up very nicely.

 

The whole idea of the pursuer really struck a chord with me.

 

I was pursued heavily by OP

 

Really hunted down and caught.

 

When I was captured and I said "i want you.."

 

The tables were reversed and I was now getting messages that equated to

 

"whoa, you knew I was married..."

 

It was even whispered to me that I was trying to break them up!

 

I have never been involve in such craziness in my life.

 

There is an old adage that goes "If it doesnt make sense, it's not true..."

 

Thats why bowing out is the only way.

 

As much as it hurts (and boy does it hurt) lingering around in the madness with them just makes your stock plummett.

 

How can you respect someone that's putting up with poor treatment?

 

aka a human doormat?

 

I think that's a crucial point here...

 

The minute they know you will play ball, its like they lose respect for you.

 

Thats why holding firm on NC is important...

 

It says, I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE.

 

It takes an enornous amount of strength and conviction to do this and ironically, your "street value" with them skyrockets...

 

They know your "out of the ether..."

 

There was an interesting theory I read somewhere regarding people who cant make up their mind or who engage in this kind of hurtful behavior...

 

They know deep down in thier heart that they can always come back...

 

It might take alot of fuss, but it can be done...

 

Only when they know you are done, truly done, does it sink in that they have lost you.

 

whats really horrible is that the person who cares more has to do the leaving (and make it stick...)

 

We'd be lying to ourselves of we said that there wasnt some lingering hope of ultimately meeting up down the road after the divorce or break up...

 

Thanks perfectly okay

 

But the chance of it happening are ten fold if we dissappear.

 

Then they will be forced to realize THEIR loss and review accordingly...

[Benique]

There is no life without losses .

Everything is able to be passed .

Not everything may be forgotten,

but everything will pass anyway .

 

 

The decision made will be honored .

Anyway .

 

 

 

Its true,

if there is to break up - then its better to break up as soon as possible .

If its to cut off ,then its wiser to cut it off till it starts bleeding too much .

If there is same pain to be, then better to feel it aching earlier .More time to heal oneself is left .

 

 

All decisons will be honored .

Anyway .

 

 

 

 

Always blessing .

No obligation .

 

Soul to soul

Blessing .

 

_________________________________________________________

No pain.No pain.No pain.No pain.

Do repeat as many times as possible.To pass it off.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

JJ - I really admire your strong character, how you were able to move on from all this in such a dignified way despite the fact that you have to see the xMM via work which must have been a nightmare, especially at first. You have come so far and I feel really pleased that you have found peace. Wishing you all the very best for the future! And thank you for all the support you have given to me in my situation over the last 6 months, it has been a great help.

[SupportGroupie]

Brilliantly said,really. Waiting, hoping, wondering, expecting, getting less than you deserve, and everything you said...DITTO. I have struggled BIG time with same issues.

thanks for the good post

[jj33]

Thanks its no different than what anyone else is going through its just being a little bit farther along in the process. I wish I could say I have found peace with it. Not quite. I hope in time I will.

 

In many ways I am a shell of my former self. Ive lost my sparkle. I drove certain people away with my incessant talk of him. The stress of it all and the toll it has taken on me is something I could not have imagined. I just hope over time I get back to my old self again.

[Agent_99]

((hugs))!!

 

Once again you are an amazing woman. I think rather than getting back to your old self, you will move on to a stronger happier you. It can be hard to imagine finding someone as exciting and fun as our married partners, but they are out there and they are single!

I too lost friends and there are some family members that hesitate to pick up the phone, but we are all healing over MY drama that I allowed.

Everyday I take the good things that I learned and try to leave the bad behind. And every once in a while it gets easier and every once in a while I get a little stronger.

 

I'm still at a point that if she showed up at my door saying she was leaving gf I'm not sure what I do. I think deep down I would still take her in. But rationally I know that it wouldn't work now, to much mucky water under the bridge and it is now damaged.

 

Very soon will come the day that I can say that I wouldn't take her in. And that will be a day not to celebrate, but to just accept that I've healed.

 

~99

[BrotherD]

In many ways I am a shell of my former self. Ive lost my sparkle. I drove certain people away with my incessant talk of him. The stress of it all and the toll it has taken on me is something I could not have imagined. I just hope over time I get back to my old self again.

 

True dat....

 

What wont kill you will make you stronger...

 

That's why it good to post here...You can get it out with out having to bore your friends

 

You will get over this and be a better stronger person

 

As far as the people that bugged out, maybe it hastened that process and the metamorphisis included shedding them as well.

 

I experienced a similiar situation

 

The friends that grew weary and turned away eventually would have left anyway...so dont kick yourself around too much on this one...

 

Thanks again for your insight jj

 

BroD

[AlaskanGal]

...for sharing. Your post has proven inspirational for me! It's already been a couple weeks since we "walked away" and I've gone through what seems like a myriad of emotions. It's hard (but necessary) accepting that some things are just not meant to be. There may be more dark days to come, but thanks to posts like yours I can see the light (brightly) at the end of the tunnel!

[jj33]

Brother D I know you are right those people might have walked away anyway but its embarrassing when people no longer respond to you and it hurts and losing that close connection with MM was bad enough but then to lose the other connections I thought I had on top of it... its very isolating. I know things will change and turn for the better. They always do. there is also the fear that those that pulled away (one in particular) will gossip... and let the cat out of the bag all this time later when there is nothing going on. But that is the risk I took by confiding in that person. Hope for the best.

 

Alaskan Gal - good luck you can do it. And 99, I cant say if he came actually left and filed for a D I would not take him back. But thats not something I can imagine happening at this point in time. He is disenchanted in many ways but stuck in.

 

And worse, I am like an old shoe to him. A constant in his life that he takes for granted. I hate that. But all I can do is keep things to business and try not to let him take me for granted to the extent it is in my control.

[jj33]

And to add... because I am really peeved about this at the moment....

 

I get SO annoyed with him about the taking me for granted changing meetings etc basically because it will be OK i understand..... but there is nothing I can do except to say gee its difficult to add something to the diary at the last moment etc etc... must be polite and professional...

 

BECAUSE HE COULDNT GIVE A FLYING **** otherwise he would not change things on me and call at the last minute when he has a gap in his diary...

 

But I no longer have the right to be angry about it or to air grievances in the same old way. I am reminded of my true love's recent post where (and I must take my own advice) I told her that her x was no longer required to listen as she aired her grievances and told him how hurt she was.

 

I am in the same boat. What am I going to do? Call him and say you know this is no longer a personal relationship and if I were anyone else you woudnt do this? I did that last spring to do it again now would be to risk a real problem in our business relationship. I would be making it too personal.

 

Another business contact just cancelled lunch with me for the 4th time in 6 weeks. Am I angry? no I couldnt care less. We rescheduled and if he cancels again oh well. If I had gotten angry with him it would have been impolite aggressive behavior. Its simply not the right way to behave.

 

So now that my relationship with MM is simply a business relationship I need to apply the same rules. I am irate but its not appropriate anger. I am more sensitive to his actions because it triggers the issues from the A.

 

Some people would say its nice that he feels he can just call on a whim etc etc that's what good friends do. its normal. But I think it would be nice for him to allocate time for me in his diary the way he does for other business people. And not feel like he talks to me all the time so its no big deal...

 

Just waiting for my emotions to catch up with my brain....

 

And of course all of this is not helped by the economy and the fear and the slowdown in new business...

[CAMAYPARK]

JJ, deep breaths,dear girl. Just take it with a pinch of salt. Absolutely no point in getting all worked up.

[SierraRose]

If its meant to work out it will, but waiting and hoping is not the way to get the result you want. Living your life and letting them get on with theirs is the only answer in my view.

 

It's been 3 1/2 months of NC. I miss my xMM very much; I believe what is ment to be will be. He is in the last ditch effort to save his M. In an ideal (and selfish) world, I've love to get the call his M has ended.

 

I can not live life based on "what ifs." I am living in the REAL world-I am living my life. I will not wait, not for him, not for anyone. I will one day have the love from a man that I deserve, not simply what I'm willing to settle for.

[2sure]

jj-

 

It has been awhile since I have said hello, although I always read your posts.

 

You were doing well for a stretch. By well, I mean you knew you were moving in the right direction - even if you were still hurting.

 

I cant help but think that the approach of the holiday season and end of the year magnifies all of our lives. The good is cause for celebration and the bad (or sad) cause for more angst than usual.

 

I myself have recently suffered a big backslide in feeling like I have been recovering from my husband's affair. (Probably why I have not wanted to post much in the OW forum). And my backslide, when I'm honest, is based on nothing that is happening. Oh yes, except it is holiday time.

 

For myself, I have decided to put dark thoughts aside completely. To "Think about them tomorrow" as Scarlet would say.

 

January 2nd will have both of us waking a little more ourselves I think.

[jj33]

Thanks 2sure. You have the right idea putting it aside. I know I made the right decision. Im just scared with everything in the economy and it puts me in a bad frame of mind. I dont second guess myself on not going back to him. It was the right decision.

[Sagelily]

Very Well Said, JJ. Thank You For Sharing Your Insights...This Post Has Sure Gotten Me Thinking About My Own Thought Processes And Situation Being In The Role Of (x)?OW

[Aquarius Rising]

Its all hideous. And the emotional fallout afterward is somehow worse than a normal break up even tho it shouldnt be. Really break ups are break ups.

 

I just read this thread and felt compelled to reply. I agree that it does seem worse somehow and my theory on that is this.

 

When we are in an affair, there is a huge element of risk involved, we are risking everything, our marriages, our families, our friends, perhaps even a job, ..... but most of all our SELF-BELIEF

 

In my situation, I wanted to hang on after our spouses were informed of the A, because I didn't want to believe, even for a minute, that I could be foolish enough to risk everything I had .... for a man who was NOT going to turn out to be the absolute love of my life AND the person I was MEANT to be with.

 

So when we choose to walkaway .... I think there is an enormous sense of failure ..... that we risked everything .... for NOTHING and that IS different to other r/ship endings.

 

Just my view of things anyway.

 

AR

[jj33]

That makes a lot of sense. You cant believe you would do something so stupid and there MUST be a reason you MUST be right because you are a smart person etc.

[hopefulInFuture]

jj33, I have come to a conclusion that many people torture themselves because of an illusion. Am I wrong? It has really very little to do with the fact that it's about a married man or about a single man (although having a relationship with a married man is definitely more complicated). What I think most of us fail to understand is that our love relationships won't usually get better with time or if we spend more time together. Sometimes we illude ourselves that a specific person may treat us better or that we may be happier with a specific person. Based on my experiences, only we can make ourselves happy. And what we often call true love is nothing but an illusion. I think true love comes with time and involves a lot of respect, compassion and understanding.

 

But how does one stop having illusions? It's a mistery of falling in love.