BlondeAphrodite Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I am 24 and married a little over a year ago for the first time. I married a great man who I never was passionate for. I know, I know - why the hell would someone do that?... The man I married was always my best friend, through some BAD relationships he always was the nice guy who said why are you with HIM, he treats you so bad...So I decided at 21 the right idea would be to be with the NICE guy, IRREGARDLESS of the fact that I had no sexual chemistry with him. We have since always had a great relationship, were married about a year ago (no children)and generally get along great... But ZERO passion on my part. Here's where it gets complicated and my shame begins... Two months before we were married I fell for a man 20 years my senior who I am insanely passionate about. It came about without premeditation. We were together but mostly due to weakened self control because of a night of alcohol. Needless to say, one time led to more and I'm now one year into an affair with a MM (who has a six yr old and also lives across the country)who I am now MADLY in love with. Two weeks ago I left my husband. NOT for the MM though. I understand my fantasy of MM will always be just that. It breaks my heart yet I know I made my bed. My husband only knows I have left and asked for a seperation because I no longer love him (even though I never really PASSIONATELY loved him). MM knows I have left husband and is coming to visit this side of the country this week. I can't wait to be with him, we see each other ~ 1/month at this point. Over the course of the last year, he has gone from saying he had a happy yet loveless marriage much like my own, to now stating feelings of almost constant unhappiness. Hoever, he always says he can't risk losing his child, which I can respect. BUT- I feel like continuing on loving him is only going to create more pain in the end. It would be years before he would leave to be with me, as he has recently said he is thinking about, and so I just cause myself pain and anguish... So much to get through now. Any thoughts? I reralize I've left some blanks in my story, so feel free to ask if you need to have a better understanding. I'd love to hear from someone who has gone through something very similar. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I have a hard time with the thought that a 40 something man will leave his family for a 20 year old....You could be his daughter. Sweeitie, save yourself the heartbreak, find someone your age, who is not married.. You are so young, with a full life ahead of you, dont choose the path of the ow, its a very hard road to take, I have a child your age, this breaks my heart to read your post... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlondeAphrodite Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 What is the heart breaking part of it? My age? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I see that myself and many other posters have read your thread and not responded. Its because it so common, and it is so heartbreaking. You simply need to read the posts here by other OW to read your own story. The idea that you would consider waiting for this man , even a week...the idea that you are even considering it is sad. What is even more heartbreaking is that the posters that have been here awhile know that you will likely end up waiting years and he will never leave. There are OW here have left their own marriages, waited through child bearing years, or even waited through MM divorce, only to still be thrown beneath the wheels of the bus. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 You dont WAIT for anyone. Especially not at 20 and even moreso not a lying cheating man who lives half way across the country and comes to see you when (I presume) it fits into his business schedule. How convenient for him to have a sweet beautiful young woman half his age waiting for him when he is in the area. Its quite an ego boost. You dont have to lie in any bed regardless of wehther you made it. Everyone makes mistakes. You are young. Just pick yourself up dust yourself off and realize you made a mistake. If this guy ever divorces his wife and you are single maybe then you will have a chance at something. But I wouldnt hold my breath. You will grow old waiting... Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 ... he always says he can't risk losing his child, which I can respect. ... It would be years before he would leave to be with me, as he has recently said he is thinking about... I would say that based on this, there is absolutely no point in your waiting. Most of your youth will have passed you by before he would leave, and of course there is absolutely no guarantee that you'd be together in the end. I just think it's a terrible waste to throw away your twenties on a pointless affair. You could do so much better (as your ex would say ). Link to post Share on other sites
hopefulInFuture Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Maybe, I am too old for my age but after many long relationships I can tell you that the passion you're talking about is not love. The real love comes in when you are with a person for some time, many years... when you can actually know the person and be yourself with this person through all the good and all the bad. Honestly, I think that this married man is not worth of your waiting for him. At least you did something good by letting your great husband go because he deserved better than being lied to. But I have a feeling that even if this MM leaves his family to be with you, you will realize soon, maybe after several years, that you left a wonderful person for someone who doesn't deserve any respect. But, you're still very young. so maybe, before you understand who deserves your respect and who does not, you simply need to have some fun... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 What I wonder is what happens when all of this great chemistry that you feel you have with MM dies - and it will. What is your foundation of your relationship with him? If the meat of your relationship is based entirely on sexual chemistry, and your friendship grew out of that you can't very well expect the branch of friendship to remain when the root of sexual chemistry dies. What happens if you get cancer and need around the clock care? What happens if you get in an accident and need someone to help you get around? What happens if you lose your job, run out of money and find yourself teetering on homelessness? What happens if you get pregnant? The "madly love of your life" won't do anything for you except offer excuses as to why he can't help. People rarely think things through when it comes to affairs. You really have to think practically. Will MM really be there when you need him, or will he be there when primarily when it is convenient for him? One day you will regret losing the one sure relationship in your life. Passion only gets you so far. A legion of MM/MW who remain married and will never leave for even the most passionate OW/OM will attest for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Do you wait for your MM? Hmmm, lets see. First off he is 20 years older than you. When you are 40 and in your prime, you are going to be trying to have sex with a grandfather. Wrinkled sagging ass and everything. Most importantly, he is a cheater and a liar. So do you wait for him? Sure, go for it. He is a real prize:rolleyes: On a side note, I am pleased that you are no longer with your x-husband. Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Now that you've taken the bold step of leaving your passionless marriage, you should seize the opportunity to make a better choice for yourself. Somewhere between "cozy, but not sexy," and "passionate, but not stable," is your answer! Don't compromise by settling for someone who's married AND long distance. Go for what you really want, with a man who's really able to give it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 What is the heart breaking part of it? My age?You already answered your own question: BUT- I feel like continuing on loving him is only going to create more pain in the end. It would be years before he would leave to be with me, as he has recently said he is thinking about, and so I just cause myself pain and anguish... You're about to take a step into the abyss if you're not very careful. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I commend you for having the courage to leave a marriage that had no possibility for happiness. And it's good that you didn't leave your H for the MM, as you can see all the pitfalls (honestly). Perhaps you should decline your MM's offer to visit you in the upcoming months, tell him that you have some things to figure out. I agree with the other posts here, it sounds like you have little to hope for with your MM. Link to post Share on other sites
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