slipping

[Agent_99]

So maybe this friends thing isn't going to work! I mean it's not like we're friends who spend massive amounts of time together, but we do work together, and had classes together. The classes are done now.

 

And I am actively seeking another job. For several reasons. The main ones being I'm going to kill myself next quarter if I continue to work fulltime and go to school fulltime. With all my other commitments it's just to much and I stretch myself too thin.

 

I think that is part of why I slipped last week, it was finals week and I was pushing myself very hard to make it through. MW has been flirting with me for a while, which to me was a great flip in the ego food department. but then she came to my house crying and I was trying to comfort her. The thing is there seems to be only one language we know how to comfort in.

 

I think the hook for me was her apoligizing for not being strong enough to do the 'right' thing. It brought back all my longing for more. And I still can't help but think it was a manipulation to get me right where she wanted me. Because if leaving her gf was the 'right' thing she would, right?

 

The end of our A was very traumatic for me, so I need to nip this one in the bud right here and now. Dear goodness at least I have the strenght to do it now. But I'm really troubled by the fact that I slipped in t he first place.

 

I asked her to call me this morning and we talked about it some. I guess she is really jealous that I have met someone else and I'm moving on, while she's stuck loving me and can't seem to let it go. I told her that I'm more than willing to be her friend, but there has to be boundaries. It bothers her that I won't talk to her about my new friend, but I just don't think it's right, it hurts her. She actually asked to meet newgf.

 

My head is still swimming in all the emotional soup right now, but I need to put some sort of plan together to stop this from happening again.

 

It hurt damnit! My body and my heart remembered all the usual responses to her. But I don't want this for myself anymore either, AND I dont' want to screw up the amazing thing I do have going for me now. I really care for newgf and see potential for a really good future for us.

 

I think the problem is I feel ashamed of myself for slipping like this. I know from the 'grapevine' that BS really thinks taht they are working things out this time, so I feel guilty for participating in a setback there, plus I allowed myself to cross a boundary I told myself I would never cross again.

 

Well thanks for reading my ramblings, any advice, kicks in the pants, whatever are more than welcome.

[Mino]

Agent, you need to cut her off completely....No friends, plus the fact the your new gf could get jealous and you could end up losing her... Mzke the break completely... good luck, Sweetie, sounds like your doing well:)

[jj33]

99 this woman is trouble. You have done so well in moving on. Dont allow yourself to jeopardize your progress by spending time with her. And you need to stop being friends.

 

She has decided to stay with the girlfriend. That is her choice. if she is upset and crying tell her to seek solace from her girlfriend. That no longer your place.

 

And you cant really be friends. Yes you will miss her yes it will leave a void but its unfair to you and its unfair to the girlfriend. I hate to say it but she sounds very selfish.

[Owl]

This is why we always insist that NC...not LC...is the only way to move on from an affair.

 

You need to COMPLETELY end contact with her...or plan on repeating this cycle until you do so.

[frannie]

I agree with the others that continued contact at the moment is really setting you back. I think you need to give yourself, her, and your new gf a chance, and the only way to do that is to cut contact for the time being. You can always think about friendship down the line if that's what you want and if your new gf is OK about it. But not now. Give yourself a breather. And in all probability when some time has gone by you won't want to call her anyway.

[Agent_99]

I'm still not sure that NC is something I am ready for. And that is very hard to say.

 

But I do think that NC for a while might be a good thing. It would give me time to focus completely on my new relationship. I'm giving notice at my job tomorrow night. I've given up hope on them trnsfering me, I'm to useful where I'm at to the company. And I was able to make some other arrangements for income to see me through the next three months.

 

Once I don't see her at work I won't see her at all. I don't call her, she calls me maybe once a week. So after I quit my job, I will ask her to stop calling me consistantly. To give me a break.

 

On an awesome note ~ Me and newgf are planning to spend the week after the holidays together. I'm so excited. We live a small distance apart. But hopefully that will be changing this next year too.

 

~99

 

*edit* Owl, I love that quote by Yoda, it was also my psyc professor's favorite saying.

[Mino]

I'm still not sure that NC is something I am ready for. And that is very hard to say.

 

But I do think that NC for a while might be a good thing. It would give me time to focus completely on my new relationship. I'm giving notice at my job tomorrow night. I've given up hope on them trnsfering me, I'm to useful where I'm at to the company. And I was able to make some other arrangements for income to see me through the next three months.

 

Once I don't see her at work I won't see her at all. I don't call her, she calls me maybe once a week. So after I quit my job, I will ask her to stop calling me consistantly. To give me a break.

 

On an awesome note ~ Me and newgf are planning to spend the week after the holidays together. I'm so excited. We live a small distance apart. But hopefully that will be changing this next year too.

 

~99

 

*edit* Owl, I love that quote by Yoda, it was also my psyc professor's favorite saying.

yikes... your quiting your job? Is that smart to do in this now, with all the lay offs? Would it not make sense to find another job first and then quit the old one?

[whichwayisup]

I asked her to call me this morning and we talked about it some. I guess she is really jealous that I have met someone else and I'm moving on, while she's stuck loving me and can't seem to let it go. I told her that I'm more than willing to be her friend, but there has to be boundaries. It bothers her that I won't talk to her about my new friend, but I just don't think it's right, it hurts her. She actually asked to meet newgf.

 

She has some nerve to want to meet your new gf. She had her chance to end things with her partner, and she didn't..She chose to stay, so SHE has to accept that you've moved on and has to stop being so selfish, respect you by leaving you alone.

 

She is trying to pump you for information. Not malciously, but selfishly.. Your life with your new gf is NONE of her business period.

 

Stay strong and enjoy the holidays!

[Owl]

Glad you like the quote, 99. I think it's one that soooo many people just don't get, yet it's so simple and to the point.

 

And...it absolutely applies in your case.

 

You're TRYING...you're not DOING.

 

NC is 'doing'. Anything less is 'trying'...and, as Yoda said to Luke who complained that he was trying..."That is why you fail.".

 

Wow, he was one smart muppet!

[Agent_99]

yikes... your quiting your job? Is that smart to do in this now, with all the lay offs? Would it not make sense to find another job first and then quit the old one?

 

Actually I decided to take a leave of absence for the next quarter, just in case. I have other things lined up, but you still never know.

 

She is trying to pump you for information. Not malciously, but selfishly.. Your life with your new gf is NONE of her business period.

 

Stay strong and enjoy the holidays!

 

That is what I think bothers me about her interest in my new gf. It's completly selfish. She says it's because she is my friend and wants to know what's going on in my life. But it's not working like that.

 

Glad you like the quote, 99. I think it's one that soooo many people just don't get, yet it's so simple and to the point.

 

And...it absolutely applies in your case.

 

You're TRYING...you're not DOING.

 

NC is 'doing'. Anything less is 'trying'...and, as Yoda said to Luke who complained that he was trying..."That is why you fail.".

 

Wow, he was one smart muppet!

 

That is too true. But sometimes trying is easier than doing.

Things have stepped up a notch with the new friend, so it's time to stop this all with MW for good.

 

~99

[KismetGirl]

Actually I decided to take a leave of absence for the next quarter, just in case. I have other things lined up, but you still never know.

 

 

 

That is what I think bothers me about her interest in my new gf. It's completly selfish. She says it's because she is my friend and wants to know what's going on in my life. But it's not working like that.

 

 

 

That is too true. But sometimes trying is easier than doing.

Things have stepped up a notch with the new friend, so it's time to stop this all with MW for good.

 

~99

 

Yeah....there's no such thing as being friends with someone you're still attracted to. Especially someone that you didn't "break up" with because you didn't like them anymore, it was just the wrong situation.

 

You sound positive about this new relationship, good luck to you :-)

 

NC is very hard to do. Im trying myself right now and still, find myself slipping and writing an email to MM the other night when I was a tad drunk. *sigh* and that was after a night making out with a new cute boy I met at a company holiday party that i rather liked. go figure.

 

NC, NC. First physically....then hopefully, mentally.

[Agent_99]

Kismet~ That was the thing, my slip happened after I started getting more serious about my new friend.

 

I talked to my new gf about this all. Because I have been agonizing over ending the friendship. But I think that is what I'm going to have to do. MW doesn't want to respect my boundaries, and while I"m mostly strong enough to enforce them, obvously I still have weak moments.

 

~99