worth it Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I met this guy like 3 weeks ago and we have been talking everyday and have hung out quite a few times and are hooking up with eachother. He says he is separated but is still living with his wife because they have a 2 month year old baby together and he doesn't want to throw her out on the street. He wanted me to be his gf at first but I wasn't having it because I have a strong feeling that he is lying to me about being separated. I tell him about how I am seeing other people. He keeps insisting that they are separated. Last week we went out to the bar and this other married couple came along and why he was away from the table the girl that was with us told said "Do you know that he is married." and I was like "Yea they are separated, right." and she was like "No I was at their house last week and they were together" So I kinda flipped out a little and left them and started flirting with other guys at the bar and he texted me and said that it wasn't true and that she doesn't know the situation with him and his wife. He also claims that him and his wife don't have sex or sleep in the same bed or anything like that. I told him he should get a divorce and he was like "yea i should" The main problem is I don't know if I should keep this going with him or end it. I just got out of a 6 year relationship like 2 months ago so this is kinda helping me get over it a little bit. But also I am kinda skeptical of his situation and I don't want to come in between anyone's marriage or get in "too deep" with him and end up getting hurt. Should I end this now or wait it out? Should I believe what he is saying? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 If they're separated, he won't mind his W knowing you're seeing him - so why not suggest you go back past their place so you can have a chat with her and introduce yourself so she knows who he's seeing and you can be cool that she's OK with it. His response should tip you off about whether he's being honest or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 Haha ahhh. I would be scared to do that or even ask him to do that since we have only known eachother for 3 weeks. But good idea though. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Haha ahhh. I would be scared to do that or even ask him to do that since we have only known eachother for 3 weeks. But good idea though. If you are scared of doing that with a guy you have only known for 3 weeks, you already have your answer. You know he is lying, so don't play dumb. You are using him as much as he is using you. You need him to get over a previous relationship and he has a new baby at home and is weaseling out of being a decent man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 Wow that is a little harsh but you have a good point about me using him just as much as he is using me. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Not trying to be harsh, I am just blunt. I am not one for the soft touch. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Besides he has a wife and a new baby. Do you know how hard it is to adjust to being a new mother, it ain't pretty and it seems he isn't helping much if he is spending time in bars. He is only giving you his version, ask her about her version. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 I know it is probably hard for her being a new mother. I already told him that if he is really cheating he is a loser and how I would be devastated if I had a baby and was married to someone and they did it to me and I bring up his wife like everyday and give him **** about it. He keeps insisting that they are separated. I even told him that I don't care about him like that and I am seeing other people and am still in love with my ex and that he has no reason to lie to me about it and he still does. I don't want to ask him to talk to her because its not like I'm his gf we are just having sex and like you said before I am using him to when I find someone better who isn't married he is out of the picture. I am kind of starting to like in just a little bit though which is throwing my plan off. I am not playing dumb I don't believe him. I am confused about whether I should continue to use him or not. If he is not cheating on his wife with me he is probably just going to cheat on her with some other girl anyway so why not make it me for a while until I find someone else, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 Oh yea and his story is that they separated a year ago because she kept cheating on him but she told him that he got her pregnant so they decided to stay living together separated and plus he is in the military so he gets more money when he is married (he didn't include the money part but I am thinking it may have something to do with it). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 I know it is probably hard for her being a new mother. I already told him that if he is really cheating he is a loser and how I would be devastated if I had a baby and was married to someone and they did it to me and I bring up his wife like everyday and give him **** about it. Then why are you with him? Why are you helping him cheat on his wife and betray his new family (baby)?? You've known this guy for 3 weeks, do you believe every word that is coming out of his mouth? Do you trust him? This man, who said vows to his wife, has had a baby with her, is capable of anything. What makes you think you're more special and he wouldn't lie to you? Especially after 3 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 If he is not cheating on his wife with me he is probably just going to cheat on her with some other girl anyway so why not make it me for a while until I find someone else, right? I hope you see how messed up this type of thinking is. Sorry to sound harsh, but please put yourself in his wife and child's shoes, stop being selfish. YOU know this is wrong to do, so to use the excuse, if it wasn't with me, he'd be with someone else, so I might as well stick around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 K first of all I am not "with him." You guys are making me feel like I am some homewrecker crazy girl. It is not like he straight out told me that they are together and he is cheating. If he did that I would cut him off. He tells me that they are separated and it is hard not to believe him because he is so convincing. I don't want to not believe him and cut him off and he be telling the truth. That is why it is so confusing I don't know what to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 If he did that I would cut him off. He tells me that they are separated and it is hard not to believe him because he is so convincing. Ofcourse he's convincing. But, listen to your gut. If it feels wrong, then more than likely it IS wrong. He says he is separated but is still living with his wife because they have a 2 month year old baby together and he doesn't want to throw her out on the street. He wanted me to be his gf at first but I wasn't having it because I have a strong feeling that he is lying to me about being separated Listen to your gut. This guy IS married and LIVING with his wife and 2 month old baby. They are not separated, they have a life together and if you choose to believe otherwise, even though he "tells you he's separated" go ahead. Stick with him and allow it to turn into a more serious affair, you'll find out how married he really is. Ask him if you could meet his 2 month old baby and his wife. That you'd love to drop in and meet them, so his wife can know who he is dating and possibly have around her newborn baby. Then, wait for a reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 K first of all I am not "with him." You guys are making me feel like I am some homewrecker crazy girl. It is not like he straight out told me that they are together and he is cheating. If he did that I would cut him off. He tells me that they are separated and it is hard not to believe him because he is so convincing. I don't want to not believe him and cut him off and he be telling the truth. That is why it is so confusing I don't know what to believe. So you are willing to use another woman's husband and devastate her and her family because it suits your needs. Lady I pray that what you are doing isn't something that you won't regret real soon. A child is involved, don't you know that is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Also think about this. What man in his right mind starts a NEW relationship after JUST having a baby with his wife? The baby was born 2 months ago..I'm betting that things aren't going great at home (meaning he isn't getting sex because his wife is too tired and sore, and focussing on the baby) and he is feeling neglected. So, instead of opening up with his wife, he's chosen to go outside and look for someone to meet his needs. Why isn't he focussed on his 2 month old baby? You didn't know this guy 3 weeks ago, you have NOTHING really invested in him emotionally as 3 weeks is nothing. Another thing, you can't "know" someone IS telling the truth in such a short amount of time. YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY, you know what he has told you - But you are aware of a baby, his wife and the fact he is still living with them. Don't let your emotions/hormones fool you. Take a step back and think about this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 So he's keeping his wife and new born around for the extra cash while he screws around. DUDE! Ou've hit the lottery! He's a keeper! Sell all of your personal belongings and move right on in with him. If you know somethings amiss, and his friends told you it's not true, then you have all of the information you need. Do you believe in karma??? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Sell all of your personal belongings and move right on in with him. I imagine space is a bit tight there with a wife-that-he's-not-sharing-a-bed-with and a newborn, but the bath might be free? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 I don't want to ask him to talk to her because its not like I'm his gf we are just having sex and like you said before I am using him to when I find someone better who isn't married he is out of the picture. I am kind of starting to like in just a little bit though which is throwing my plan off. If you were just using him and none of this meant anything, it wouldn't bug you enough to post here. If you're starting to feel more than you'd intended - you need to think long and hard about what you're getting into here. If you read some of the other threads on the boards here you'll see how deep, messy and painful it can all become - and far quicker than you think! Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 So you're not 'together' but you're having sex with him, but you can't speak to him about going to his place, and you're still in love with your ex anyway and don't see this as long-term, then I think it really is best just to walk away. It's far too complicated already, you will just get attached to him (you already are getting that way as you're writing on forums about it), and its not going to get any better. As soon as you recover enough from your ex to want to be with someone full-time you'll be too attached to this cheating man (which is what he is, you know that) to walk away. Why don't you just date some other people casually until you find someone without so many red flags waving over their heads? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worth it Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 K I took all of your advice and told him yesterday that I can't see him anymore and he was like why and I said because u have a wife and I know you are not really separated and I have been feeling guilty about it and I kind of am starting to like you a little bit and I don't want to like someone who is not available and he said are you serious and he said I have told you a million times that we are separated and I said prove it to me and he was like I don't know how to and I said move out and he said to where. He won't admit that he is with her and it is so annoying because I already told him I don't care if he is with her since my feelings for him are very minimal. He texted me to say goodnight and I didn't answer and don't plan on texting him today either. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I made other plans. Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Good job. Don't even look back. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 K I took all of your advice and told him yesterday that I can't see him anymore and he was like why and I said because u have a wife and I know you are not really separated and I have been feeling guilty about it and I kind of am starting to like you a little bit and I don't want to like someone who is not available and he said are you serious and he said I have told you a million times that we are separated and I said prove it to me and he was like I don't know how to and I said move out and he said to where. He won't admit that he is with her and it is so annoying because I already told him I don't care if he is with her since my feelings for him are very minimal. He texted me to say goodnight and I didn't answer and don't plan on texting him today either. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I made other plans. I think you did a good job, but are you out of this situation now, or are you still waiting for him to do something to prove it? I'm just thinking that if he comes back again pressuring you, rather than asking him to move out (which he could plausibly argue he can't afford), you can get a quick response by asking to meet his 'separated' wife. That should make things clear and give you the answer you (may still?) need. Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I imagine space is a bit tight there with a wife-that-he's-not-sharing-a-bed-with and a newborn, but the bath might be free? :lmao: That cracked me up OW! I agree with frannie, if he does continue to try pursue something, then there should not be a problem with you meeting her. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 K first of all I am not "with him." You guys are making me feel like I am some homewrecker crazy girl. It is not like he straight out told me that they are together and he is cheating. If he did that I would cut him off. He tells me that they are separated and it is hard not to believe him because he is so convincing. I don't want to not believe him and cut him off and he be telling the truth. That is why it is so confusing I don't know what to believe. Why are you even bothering though? Listen, you admitted yourself you are "kind of liking" him a bit which is throwing your plan off to just use him for sex until you find someone else. Take it from someone who has spent FOUR YEARS with a MM on and off, and really has fallen in love with him. It is torture. Do NOT let yourself get to that point. Get out while you still can. I know you need a distraction to get over the hurt of your other relationship, but this man isn't the answer to it. Go out with friends, meet other guys, have fun, flirt, whatever. You know him three bloody weeks, you know nothing about him, not enough to trust anything he says for starters at all. Men can be very convincing when they want to be, and it's not like you know him well enough to know when he is lying or when he isn't. After four years I know my MM well enough to know when he is avoiding something, when he is lying, when he is telling the truth, etc. After three weeks you know nothing about this guy except that he physically and mentally makes you feel good cause it is a new fling, and those are fun. Don't stress yourself with baggage liek this hun, seriously. Im an OW, so Im not making any morality judgements here, trust me. Im just trying to save you the pain you WILL go through if you end up really falling for the guy and he ends up staying married to his wife. If that other woman told you that they are still married, then it is very likely they are not seperated legally at all. They might be having some marital troubles, but if their own friends think they are married then im pretty sure that he isn't being 100% honest about the whole seperation thing. And if they WERE seperated and sleeping in seperate beds and just living together as roomates, then he wouldnt mind if you stopped by his place to pick him up one night while his wife was still home. If he has avoided you coming near his place or meeting his wife, its very possible its because he's cheating on her without her knowledge. Please please save yourself the drama.....take it from someone who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 K I took all of your advice and told him yesterday that I can't see him anymore and he was like why and I said because u have a wife and I know you are not really separated and I have been feeling guilty about it and I kind of am starting to like you a little bit and I don't want to like someone who is not available and he said are you serious and he said I have told you a million times that we are separated and I said prove it to me and he was like I don't know how to and I said move out and he said to where. He won't admit that he is with her and it is so annoying because I already told him I don't care if he is with her since my feelings for him are very minimal. He texted me to say goodnight and I didn't answer and don't plan on texting him today either. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I made other plans. Sorry, didnt read this before I responded to your earlier post. Good job. Stick to this! Link to post Share on other sites
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