kkrose Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Background: I had a friend with benefits in 2000 and we ended up pregnant. (he had a girlfriend) We were not in any kind of relationship. He basically disappeared for the first three years after our daughter was born. I was in contact with his family and visited with them on a couple occassions. Then out of the blue he decides to contact me again. I don't know why but my feelings for him were still there and we ended up sleeping together. Well that wasn't a good idea because then we never saw him again for a year and a half, all the while him promising to visit his daughter soon but that he couldn't get away from work. And he said it's hard for him because he has a girlfriend and he's still attracted to me and things always happen. We seem to work through that and we go to visit him. He lives in CA and we went to Disneyland. Once again, we ended up sleeping together. That was in May. I knew he had a girlfriend. He didn't seem to mind so i didn't either. So we flirted and I didn't say anything thinking that to keep him involved in his daughter's life, we needed to have a friendship so that she could get to know him. Then in September we visted him again and stayed at his apartment with him. His girlfriend has gone away to school so she is out of the state. But they are still together. We of course slept together again. By this time it's getting really confusing for me and we talked about how it made me feel. And that I needed more from him and we couldn't go on having a sexual relationship. We should just be friends and try to be parents. That lasted about two days before he was flirting with me again on video chats. We kind of decided it is what it is and whatever happens is our business. So we went back to stay with him another weekend a couple weeks ago. Had a great time. But of course the sex is still in the way. Here's where it gets bad.... Someone emailed his girlfriend and told her he was cheating on her with me. I don't know if they saw me there and just guessed or how they knew but it sent him into a panic. Well of course this made his girlfriend crazy emailing and calling me and I didn't want to answer her. And he basically told me to tell her it was a lie and not ruin his life. So I emailed his girlfriend and said we were not sleeping together and there is nothing to worry about. And now i feel really bad about that because she was so persistent in wanting to know sending me about 6 emails with please, please, please, tell me if this is true. My dilema is, is this all my doing and I should just forget it? My problem is that we have a daughter together and she really loves him now and if I say anything it could cause him to do less for her than now. Not that he makes much effort. I basically put all the plans together. But I do know he loves his daughter as well and wants to be in her life. So if telling her just caused him to be mad at me and still see his child I think i woudl do it. Or do I even worry about their relationship at all? They have been together for two and a half years. I also don't know that I will ever be able to not fall for his seduction. Maybe making him mad at me is the only way I'll ever be able to free myself. So, do I tell her and risk him getting mad at me or do I just let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Agent_99 Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Why do you keep sleeping with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkrose Posted December 3, 2008 Author Share Posted December 3, 2008 Good question. I have no idea. The sex is great maybe. I think i still have feelings for him. I don't even know. Sometimes I think i love him still and other times I can't stand him. But there is some kind of chemistry that makes it impossible for me to back away. And clearly there is for him also, although I bet for him it's just sex. I did try and stop and we both agreed for about two days that we wouldn't ever do it anymore. He brings it up again. I really don't have any idea what i feel anymore. I'm probably just realizing that he's using me and that's why i'm hurt now. I should have seen it coming i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 You make it sound like you have no control over whether or not you have sex with this guy. He talks about it and you do it. Your daughter will suffer with a father this selfish anyway. Don't think that having sex with her father is making a difference in his relationship with her. What it will do, is make her a big sister. How you will explain "not sleeping with him" to his girlfriend in that event will be interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 I think you should tell her. She deserves the truth. She's making an investment in a cheater. Wouldn't you want to know in her situation so you could cut your losses. As for his relationship with his daughter, if this impacts it, he is not much of a father, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 She has the right to know. And if he gets upset and refuses to see his child, what kind of father is he anyway. Maybe he shouldn't be in his child's life if he will punish a child for his choices. And you need to get a grip and stop cheating with a cow pie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kkrose Posted December 3, 2008 Author Share Posted December 3, 2008 You are totally right. I'm being an idiot and trying to be loyal to someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm going to tell her. I can only hope to be a better person in the future and whatever happens for him is out of my control. I have been completely used and allowing it to continue is going to drive me insane. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
bhweller Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Accept that you can't have a romantic or sexual relationship with him. Do it for the sake of your child. If you have a kid with somebody and you aren't living with them, thats for a reason. It means you don't belong together and you will never REALLY be with them again. Don't try to live an illusion that he will come back to you and stay. You need to have friendly adult non-sexual relations with him. This is for the sake of the kid. Don't put your dramas into the kids life. You need to file for child support if you have not already done it. The court will make sure he contributes something. Link to post Share on other sites
Agent_99 Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 kk~ Don't beat yourself up over this. I do agree that is she really wanted to know you should tell her. It will be hard now that you have lied to her once. As for everything else, really this guy doesn't seem like much of a dad, even if he is the father. He takes off for years and really the draw for him seems to be that you'll sleep with him, rather than seeing his daughter. Don't let him use you, and don't use him either. Sex can be just sex, but in this case no matter what it is, it only confuses and complicates the situation. ~99 Link to post Share on other sites
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