baby to married man

[tigger2008]

Over a year ago i got in contact with someone from my past. His marriage was very unhappy and he was there for his children as they meant everything to him.He stopped loving his wife and his marriage had been on the rocks for a couple of years previously.My marriage had ended six months before we were in contact with each other. We fell in love with each other which wasn't expected and we made each other very happy. Even though we were guilt ridden we couldn't stop our affair but I didn't want him to leave his family to be with me.

Eventually we were caught. He told his wife he didn't love her but would stay to be with the kids. His wife said she still loved him and wanted him to stay , and in order for him to stay in his home she said he had to break off all contact with me.

While all this was going on, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. He said he would support me whatever I chose to do and as I don't believe in abortion I decided to continue with the pregnancy and have the baby with or without him. He told his wife that I was pregnant and then I never heard from him again! I contacted him when our son was born and he told me he was trying to restore his family and wasn't allowed any contact with me or the baby. He said that he meant everyhing he said to me about his feelings for me ,he doesnt love his wife but he cant cope with not being there for his other 3 children and he is not allowed any contact with me or our son at all as he will lose everything.HAS ANYONE BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS? HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST OF HIM?

[greengoddess]

What really stands out to me is he is willing to entirely lose a child he made with you but is not willing to have fifty percent custoday of his kids. I think those actions show a lot. It is not just about the kids he has chosen his wife or he would not be willing to give up his child he created with you if it was all about his kids.

[jwi71]

Over a year ago i got in contact with someone from my past. His marriage was very unhappy and he was there for his children as they meant everything to him.He stopped loving his wife and his marriage had been on the rocks for a couple of years previously.My marriage had ended six months before we were in contact with each other. We fell in love with each other which wasn't expected and we made each other very happy. Even though we were guilt ridden we couldn't stop our affair but I didn't want him to leave his family to be with me.

Eventually we were caught. He told his wife he didn't love her but would stay to be with the kids. His wife said she still loved him and wanted him to stay , and in order for him to stay in his home she said he had to break off all contact with me.

While all this was going on, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. He said he would support me whatever I chose to do and as I don't believe in abortion I decided to continue with the pregnancy and have the baby with or without him. He told his wife that I was pregnant and then I never heard from him again! I contacted him when our son was born and he told me he was trying to restore his family and wasn't allowed any contact with me or the baby. He said that he meant everyhing he said to me about his feelings for me ,he doesnt love his wife but he cant cope with not being there for his other 3 children and he is not allowed any contact with me or our son at all as he will lose everything.HAS ANYONE BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS? HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST OF HIM?

 

Well tiger I will be brutally honest here. Sorry.

 

1) He obviously loves his W. Forget any hope of having him in your life. His ACTIONS count - not his words.

2) You have seen the last of him because of 1 above.

3) Hire a lawyer. Get child support. This is his responsibility to his child.

4) You are NOT an awful person. Made some poor - and life altering - decisions but not a poor person.

 

The only contact I would expect is the monthly support check. It isn't about vengeance - its about needing financial help to raise this child.

 

Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

[Owl]

I've got to second JW71's comments...I think this is exactly the scenario that you're facing.

[2sure]

Tigger -

 

I have read this and your other posts. I don't know if you have other children or not, but the child support/paternity advice you received is right on. It may not seem important just this instant but it will be.

 

Your child is going to find out the truth eventually and has every single right to know who his/her father is, even if it is when the child is grown.

 

Your posts are sad to me because your inquiries are all about whether MM misses you and you focus very much on the fact that he has told you he does not love his wife, that his children were his only priority. I hope you did not get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose hoping that would tip the scales. MM and his W clearly wants this marriage to work. With you and your child involved at this point - if he wasnt staying because they were in love, the marriage would be over.

 

He and his wife have no right to completely ignore you at this point. He isnt coming back. He may have loved you, but he thought of you as an option, not a priority. Don't give your child that label as well.

[whichwayisup]

Great replies by everyone and I have to say, he's made his choice - His words and actions match.

 

If he was miserable and wanted a new life with you, he'd work it out with his wife, divorce and have shared custody..He hasn't done that and his silence to you should tell you he isn't going to leave his wife and kids for you.

 

Please take care of yourself and focus on staying healthy for your baby's sake. Do a site search on Gwynth (she's also posted in the parenting section as she as a new baby and her exMM is NOT in her or her baby's life) her past situation could help you see that you'll be FINE without him.

[tigger2008]

Thankyou 2sure No i didnt get pregnant that way unfortunately he refused to use condoms because he didnt like them!!!! it was a great shock to me as i have 2 grown up kids age 21 and 19 but now i wouldnt change what has happened for anything as my son has brought me so much happiness.He was genuine in everything he said to me and i knew how bad his marriage was before we embarked on the affair,he admits he is a coward and wont leave his wife but he loves his kids so much and doesnt want to be a part time dad .He is still unhappy with all the arguements and now with the financial implications of child support ,his children have heard all the rows(he told me this in his final letter) he said the way things are at home he could still lose everything.

[Geishawhelk]

.....unfortunately he refused to use condoms because he didnt like them!!!! ......he admits he is a coward and wont leave his wife but he loves his kids so much and doesnt want to be a part time dad

Crap.

It's exactly what he is to your son.

A part-time dad.

That's what you get for being selfish. the idiot.

 

He is still unhappy with all the arguements and now with the financial implications of child support ,his children have heard all the rows(he told me this in his final letter) he said the way things are at home he could still lose everything.

 

Serve him right.

And all because he didn't like condoms.

seems to me the little bit of discomfort caused by a thin film of latex is far more preferable to the discomfort he's feeling now.

Please do the right thing for your son, and get financial support for him.

Why should your son lose out because of his father's selfishness?

[greengoddess]

:laugh:You were having unprotected sex but the baby was an accident? You were surprised? Amazing how those things happen.

 

I really hope she is not sleeping around too since you say their marriage was bad for years. You just slept with all the people she slept with too. I assume if you are pregnant you've had std testing.

[2sure]

What makes you think he has told his wife about the baby???

 

From what you have said, all you know is that his wife wont allow him to see the baby. He is telling you he cannot be responsible simply because his wife won't let him??

 

Tigger - do the right thing. Do the stand up , high road thing. If you dont want him involved, that of course is your choice. But do the right thing and MAKE sure his wife knows.

[Angel1111]

If a guy doesn't like condoms and you're not on birth control, then there's no law that says you have to sleep with him. If you choose not to be self-protective, then don't ever forget that you'll be the one to pay the biggest price for that decision. You can't ever count on other people to think about your best interest.

 

He may love you and miss you but he doesn't feel either of those things strongly enough to make a decision to be with you. That's pretty much all you need to know. Whatever his reasons are for doing this aren't relevant because the end result is the same - he stays married. I'm guessing he's not as troubled about this as you are, except for how it's now impacting his life right now. Women put a very high value on love, men do not. That's where you're making your mistake - you think these emotions have the same value to him. They don't. There are other things that take precidence over love for him.

 

On another note, I think his wife is insane. I will never understand what drives a woman to stay with a man who doesn't love her. It ranks up there as one of the all-time dumbest moves I can imagine. And now he has created a child with another woman and still she hangs around. I'm at a total loss to understand this.

[jwi71]

You are trying to hold on to smoke tigger.

 

I'll take Geisha's comment a step further: He chooses to leave YOUR son in the cold. Oh, he can be there for his "awful W" and his three kids by her...but for you and your son...nothing. Not even a check.

 

And GG is right...had an STD test?

 

Would you stop listening to his words and look at what he does?

[jwi71]

Women put a very high value on love, men do not. That's where you're making your mistake - you think these emotions have the same value to him. They don't.

 

Hey. I was insulted by that. As a man, I sure as hell value love. More so than cheap sex.

 

Tsk, tsk.

[ladyintights]

OMG! If it was "with or without [him]", then why on earth did you contact him after you gave birth??? Stick with your promises and leave his family alone already!!!

[tigger2008]

Thankyou all i know you are all right and yes i had all the STD tests when i was pregnant ... all clear!! I was stupid over the birth control but he did supposedly use the withdrawal method but i have faced my responsibility and would not change things now i have my beautiful son i do worry though that if his marriage fails he will try and have contact with my son in the future and i dont think then he will deserve to be in my sons life

[Agent_99]

Thankyou 2sure No i didnt get pregnant that way unfortunately he refused to use condoms because he didnt like them!!!! it was a great shock to me as i have 2 grown up kids age 21 and 19 but now i wouldnt change what has happened for anything as my son has brought me so much happiness.He was genuine in everything he said to me and i knew how bad his marriage was before we embarked on the affair,he admits he is a coward and wont leave his wife but he loves his kids so much and doesnt want to be a part time dad .He is still unhappy with all the arguements and now with the financial implications of child support ,his children have heard all the rows(he told me this in his final letter) he said the way things are at home he could still lose everything.

 

I am going to say from experience, that while he was with you he believed what he told you.

 

BUT actions are part of who you are, not just words. and his actions show who he is too. You only know what he tells you. I'm not saying he lies to you either. But maybe he has changed his mind, maybe he is a coward.

 

Let me just say, that if he SAYS he's a coward, that will not change anytime soon. He is also acting like one.

 

The advice above about child support and all that is good advice. Don't make decisions because you hold onto hope for a future with him. Make decisions that are best for you and your new child.

 

~99

[Angel1111]

Hey. I was insulted by that. As a man, I sure as hell value love. More so than cheap sex.

 

Tsk, tsk.

 

Cute. Well, you put a high value on it because you're not married with kids and keeping another woman on the side....are you?

 

Of course men value love and want to love the person they're with. But there are other things that will take priority over love, where women tend to throw it all away for love. This is why more women leave marriages than men do. Men will choose responsibility, reputation, and money (not to mention guilt) over love many times because a great deal of their self-image is based on how well they handle their responsibilities.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I see this over and over again. A man can be stark raving nuts about another woman but if he's married, most of the time, he won't budge. One story I'll never forget was told by a wife who's husband was in love with the OW. When she found out about the OW, they decided to work on their marriage. But this woman wrote about how hard it was for her husband to get over the OW because he loved her and they had a deep connection. He cried about it and once beged his wife, "Please don't make me let her go. She's my best friend in the world!" I just never forgot that - how men will stay in a bad relationship despite everything. Of course, there are men who leave their marriages - but I'm just speaking generally...as in, what happens the majority of the time.

 

But, no, I didn't mean to imply that love isn't important to men. Love is important to all of us.

[tigger2008]

ladyintights I informed him as he had a right to knowthat his son was born and to give him the choice if he wanted to see his son so that when my son is an adult he will know that its not me that stopped his father being involved

[marriedandsad]

Okay these situations REALLY peeve me off. He gets another woman pregnant during an affair, claims he doesn't love his wife...yet the moment his wife demands he goes no contact with you and never see the baby...he does it without batting an eyelash. Do these guys think that the baby will just go away once they close their eyes tight and repeat "it was all a dream" over and over? NO! Get a lawyer, get child support damn it. Why should he get his kicks then bail the moment responsibility in his care free affair came into play. It's not so much fun when you have something else to worry about it is it. (that is aimed at the guy). But seriously, send him a certified letter from your lawyer demanding a paternity test, so you have that in your corner, then demand child support. It will be rather explosive if he lied to you and his wife doesn't know about any of it and this is how she finds out. Will serve him right to come home to a slap across the face.

[marriedandsad]

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I see this over and over again. A man can be stark raving nuts about another woman but if he's married, most of the time, he won't budge. One story I'll never forget was told by a wife who's husband was in love with the OW. When she found out about the OW, they decided to work on their marriage. But this woman wrote about how hard it was for her husband to get over the OW because he loved her and they had a deep connection. He cried about it and once beged his wife, "Please don't make me let her go. She's my best friend in the world!" I just never forgot that - how men will stay in a bad relationship despite everything. Of course, there are men who leave their marriages - but I'm just speaking generally...as in, what happens the majority of the time.

 

.

 

Oh my word. If my husband cried over another woman because he loved her and didn't want to let her go...short of his MOTHER if she was DYING....I'd tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Who the hell wants to live in THAT shadow?

[2sure]

I posted previously with a question, and maybe it was overlooked, because I cannot believe I am the only one who thinks it is important.

 

Just because he told you his wife knows about the baby doesnt mean she does. In fact, I would doubt it.

 

His wife, as a human being, as a mother - needs to know. This guy has dropped the ball on both of you. And certainly it is more his responsibility to tell her than yours...but my God.

 

This woman is making life altering decisions for herself, her life and her kids...possibly without having a major major fact.

 

Regardless of who Should tell her...it has to be done. Making sure his wife knows is the only decent thing left to do here.

[jwi71]

and i dont think then he will deserve to be in my sons life

 

Dead wrong.

 

He has every right to be in his son's life. You have no right to deny that to him. Not only do you have zero moral support, the law is also against you on this.

 

And if your son wants to see and meet his father, I would lean towards making that happen.

[jwi71]

Cute. Well, you put a high value on it because you're not married with kids and keeping another woman on the side....are you?

 

Busted. I admit not cheating on my wife.

 

Of course men value love and want to love the person they're with. But there are other things that will take priority over love, where women tend to throw it all away for love. This is why more women leave marriages than men do. Men will choose responsibility, reputation, and money (not to mention guilt) over love many times because a great deal of their self-image is based on how well they handle their responsibilities.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I see this over and over again. A man can be stark raving nuts about another woman but if he's married, most of the time, he won't budge. One story I'll never forget was told by a wife who's husband was in love with the OW. When she found out about the OW, they decided to work on their marriage. But this woman wrote about how hard it was for her husband to get over the OW because he loved her and they had a deep connection. He cried about it and once beged his wife, "Please don't make me let her go. She's my best friend in the world!" I just never forgot that - how men will stay in a bad relationship despite everything. Of course, there are men who leave their marriages - but I'm just speaking generally...as in, what happens the majority of the time.

 

But, no, I didn't mean to imply that love isn't important to men. Love is important to all of us.

 

Well, I dunno. I can point to WW doing the exact same as the WH you allude to. I guess I object to the sexism in your post. However, I am not sure I can refute it. Stereotypical? Yup. But I have found that there is at least some truth to such stereotypes.

 

Sad isn't it?

[tigger2008]

I would not stop him if he wanted to see my son in the future but what i would find difficult is accepting the fact that if his marriage ends then he will want to see my son when he didnt have to guts to have a relationship with his son while still in his marriagethat is why i asked in my post do you think we have seen the last of him?

his wife definitely knows and has threatened him with the kids she made him have a paternity test and all the correspondance went to his home address and so did the child support forms

[Angel1111]

Oh my word. If my husband cried over another woman because he loved her and didn't want to let her go...short of his MOTHER if she was DYING....I'd tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Who the hell wants to live in THAT shadow?

 

I totally agree - what kind of insanity comes over these women staying with men like this? It's like saying, "If I can't keep you through love, I'll keep you through control. Either way, I keep you and I don't care how I do it." Gee...I wonder if they really think they've actually accomplished something of value...? The worst part of that story was that the forum she was on, the other women kept encouraging her to just help him get over it, get through the fog, and all that crap. Yeah, I'd help him right out that door - that's how I'd help him.