Spinning Head Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 MM and I ended our A in early September. MM's W knew about the A. MM told me he was leaving his M. Ultimately, MM chose to stay with his W. MM and I had little contact for about six weeks. There were a few e-mails exchanged. Towards the end of October, we spoke on the phone and each asked/answered questions about what had happened. Actually, it was a relief to talk to him in that I had so many unanswered questions. The talks continued and eventually led to getting together about two weeks ago. I thought I could handle seeing him, but, I cannot. My feelings are very deep for him. I told him that it was difficult to see him. MM told his W last Thursday that he was unhappy in the M and wanted to separate. We planned to spend the day together on Tuesday of this week but I decided not to follow through and sent him a text. MM became very upset. I decided to meet him. My reason for not wanting to see him was because I knew it would be difficult to leave him when the day ended. And, it was. MM told his W yesterday that he was seeing me again and that he loved me and wanted to separate. I was dumbfounded. I was stunned that he told his W about us as he always stated he would deny the relationship with me. MM told me that he is leaving the M, it is merely a matter of when he leaves. As I am typing this, MM sent me flowers with a note 'I know sometimes it's hard but thanks for loving me'. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 Its all up to you...but you know you're still playing with fire listening to his words. Given the history...at what point CAN you TRUTHFULLY trust him here? At what point will it be a "point of no return" for him, and you can truly believe that you're not going to get kicked aside again? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 "Did I help damage MM's W's self-esteem? I guess I did as I participated in having an A with him for three months when I knew he was married. I apologized to her for what I did, which is meaningless, I answered all of her questions about the A, I told her I would leave her alone and I have done so." I appreciate your situation, you have been through hell with this guy and it has been emotional for you with his back and forth. But look at the above quote from your previous post. Until you KNOW he is divorced, he is doing the same back and forth with his wife. You apologized to her, told her you would leave her alone. Yet you are again becoming involved in her life, this is almost maliciously relentless. You have to take a step back here. Affairs are the fault of WS, since the OW has made no promises and broken no vows...but you HAVE. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 SH, Remember this... W kept saying that MM is sick. Just keep it in your head when dealing with him. wish people would really know who MM is. MM is not the person everyone thinks. MM's W made the comment that MM wants everyone to think he is such a great person. But, MM has this other life and his W has done a great job of hiding it from their kids and everyone else (i.e. the illegitimate child). I wish his other life would be exposed so people could see who MM really is. and.. The counselor, based on my story, stated that xMM exhibited signs of an antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders. I googled those disorders on the web today and each description fits xMM to a "t". I wish there was some way that his photo could be placed next to each description. and last but not least... Other than a few fairly hateful e-mails, I had not had any contact with xMM until yesterday. We spoke about events that had transpired since our relationship ended. His kids found out about xMM's illegitimate child, one son admitted to a porn addiction that resulted in $6,500.00 worth of porn purchases over a three month period, his business is struggling, xMM had sent nude photos of himself to a man (??) which were sent to xMM's business clients, one son hacked into xMM's e-mail account and discovered correspondence between xMM and other women, etc. I was dumbfounded by what he told me. XMM admitted to lying to me about things he stated to me during the relationship. You're going in eyes wide open this time Spinning Head... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 You might as well walk into the middle of an expressway and take a direct hit. That's what you are setting up now. You know and chose not to see. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 You've just put yourself back in his life as the OW. In affair mode and that's it. If he really wants to be with you, then leave him alone completely and tell him to call you when his divorce is final. Why stick around, be his shoulder/supporter during his separation/divorce? All that will do is put YOU through an unnecessary rollercoaster ride, and he'll take his sweet time deciding either way. You stick around, get used to the push/pull, back and forth changing his mind. He certainly knows which buttons to push with you to get the reaction he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spinning Head Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 As difficult as it is to read the comments posted, they are correct. I am surprised at my own actions. I have always been a very logical person. Not so in this situation as my emotions dictate my actions. And, my involvement back with MM, although very short, is affecting my concentration at work and work product. It is true that MM knows what buttons to push for me. Usually, I am a strong person who has a fairly thick skin. I have my own business and am the only female in my profession in the area in which I live. But, this relationship reduces me to crying in bed at night, losing sleep, affecting my concentration, etc. Sometimes I don't know who the hell I am. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 Please start thinking with the head, and not your emotions. You've gone NC with him before and worked through that, I'm sure you can do it again. If you stay with him, you're in for a world of more pain and you'll lose who you are along the way...Not sleeping, crying and not being focussed in your life over some married guy who "says he will leave his wife" isn't right! He just has told you words. You have NO idea if he truly is in a position to leave this time so why not call his bluff tell him to call you when it's offically, the D has gone through. Another thing to think about, do you believe he is having this much anxiety and loss of production in his life in general? Losing sleep? Take control back, be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 (((Spinning Head))) I know how powerful it is to want to believe them. Believe me, they know what to say, to keep you around a little longer. It's the carrot on the stick. What has he done? Nothing different. You didn't want to meet him, he became angry, you gave in. He should not have become angry. He should have been sad. YOU are not the priority here. HE still is. It's about him, not about the TWO of you. And if what other posters have posted about him from your own posts, ask yourself, why do you want him? He sent porn pictures of himself to another man?! A person in love with you would not do this. He was having A's with OW, sounds like several. How can you dismiss that? He seems desperate. Maybe his W is going to leave him and he misses your adoration and doesn't want to come out at the end alone. He apparently believes you will wait around as long as he wants and come when he calls. He can't be a good partner to you now or the near future, maybe not ever. Don't you want to be happy? It isn't about him leaving. It's about your R. And it's about making it right. Do you think this is the right way for you? Honestly? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Spin, what is it you really want from this? Do you want the MM, in his current state - either part-time or full-time? Or do you want some healed, resolved, trustworthy version of him that you can love, respect and trust, and who will likewise love and respect you and treat you with the dignity you deserve? Do you want to be in a place of certainty, one way or the other, or are you happy building on quicksand and living in some twilight zone with ambiguous shadows and eerie music in the background? Do you want to wake up and feel the warmth of comfort swelling in your heart, or do you want to wake with the icy grip of doubt and turmoil clenching your stomach? If you waved a wand, what would your dream outcome look like? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spinning Head Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Obviously, I want a version of MM who is trustworthy, resolved in his decision and what he wants in his life. MM constantly texts me: I love you, I need you in my life always, I love you heart and soul, I want to share in your life, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, I want you more than anything, etc. All of these texts (plus others) were sent over the past few days. Supposedly, MM and his family are having a 'family meeting' tomorrow. Several issues have come up over the past few months that the grown sons want to discuss with their parents. According to MM, he has told his W that he wants to separate and W had given MM several conditions, one of which is MM is to tell his grown sons that he desires to separate from their mom. Based on my history with MM, I don't think MM has the strength/desire/love to tell his sons that he is separating from W. MM's texts indicate that he does, but, I went through this in late August and nothing happened. I did tell MM that if he chooses to stay in his M, then our contact needed to stop so he could concentrate on his M and his R with his W. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 MM and I ended our A in early September. MM's W knew about the A. MM told me he was leaving his M. Ultimately, MM chose to stay with his W. MM and I had little contact for about six weeks. There were a few e-mails exchanged. Towards the end of October, we spoke on the phone and each asked/answered questions about what had happened. Actually, it was a relief to talk to him in that I had so many unanswered questions. The talks continued and eventually led to getting together about two weeks ago. I thought I could handle seeing him, but, I cannot. My feelings are very deep for him. I told him that it was difficult to see him. MM told his W last Thursday that he was unhappy in the M and wanted to separate. We planned to spend the day together on Tuesday of this week but I decided not to follow through and sent him a text. MM became very upset. I decided to meet him. My reason for not wanting to see him was because I knew it would be difficult to leave him when the day ended. And, it was. MM told his W yesterday that he was seeing me again and that he loved me and wanted to separate. I was dumbfounded. I was stunned that he told his W about us as he always stated he would deny the relationship with me. MM told me that he is leaving the M, it is merely a matter of when he leaves. As I am typing this, MM sent me flowers with a note 'I know sometimes it's hard but thanks for loving me'. Any background on this one? Link to post Share on other sites
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