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I'm Just Curious


casanovacorner

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casanovacorner

I've been the OM in the picture, and I prefer it that way. However, I've never messed around with a MW. I have a personal issue with interfering in a commitment that involves and oath before God in a church. All of my situations have been BF/GF type of relationships.

 

What I don't understand is how the OM/OW get so emotionally caught up in these situations. I never do because of one simple question:

 

If they are willing to cheat on the person they are married to or with, what makes you think they won't do the same to you when the next OM/OW comes along? Why would anyone be foolish enough to put themselves in such a position?

 

I honestly don't understand.

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Just reading these posts , one can see that many OW/OM are'nt grounded in reality. Stuff sounds so juvenile, like excerpts from a Harlequin romance: "He'll move mountains,etc". It is quite pathetic.

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It does happened though.. I am a living proof..

 

I was the OW for 11 years.. very young when we started.. she (W) finally kicked him out .. then he moved with me.. I was still very young. (26)... then we lived 18 years together.. I never cheated.. I doubt he cheated on me.. but no one can ever be sure.. but I honestly don't think he did.

 

Then I left him after 18 years... I never regretted it.. but he almost died of pain..

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You may think so.. but I think that it could very well work out.. who said that it has to be with your first partner in life.. the first one could be a mistake.. the second one could be the right one..

 

I would still be with him if I had not left.. I know he would never have left me.. he never left his first wife.. :laugh:

 

I know he loved me more than he loved her though.. to this day, he still loves me.. if I would tell him (after all those years, it's been almost 13 years now that we separated) that I'm coming home.. he would take me back.. I have absolutely no doubt about that.

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casanovacorner
You may think so.. but I think that it could very well work out.. who said that it has to be with your first partner in life.. the first one could be a mistake.. the second one could be the right one..

 

I would still be with him if I had not left.. I know he would never have left me.. he never left his first wife.. :laugh:

 

I know he loved me more than he loved her though.. to this day, he still loves me.. if I would tell him (after all those years, it's been almost 13 years now that we separated) that I'm coming home.. he would take me back.. I have absolutely no doubt about that.

 

If that's the case, why did you leave?

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I've never been in this situation before and can attest it does happen to "normal", well-grounded people. When you go through a marriage and begin to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, or just plain unhappy, it opens the door for another relationship. Especially, if its one that fills one or all of those needs.

 

I am emotionally caught up. A lot more than I should be. But, I know when we finally have a the relationship, not the EA, the cheating/unfaithfulness will not be there because we don't take each other for granted and I know we will do the things that will make us happy with each other.

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I've never been in this situation before and can attest it does happen to "normal", well-grounded people. When you go through a marriage and begin to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, or just plain unhappy, it opens the door for another relationship. Especially, if its one that fills one or all of those needs.

 

I am emotionally caught up. A lot more than I should be. But, I know when we finally have a the relationship, not the EA, the cheating/unfaithfulness will not be there because we don't take each other for granted and I know we will do the things that will make us happy with each other.

 

Don't you think every couple who marries believes that? I can't imagine they'd marry if they knew they'd one day take each other for granted, make the other feel unappreciated, or they'd be just plain unhappy.

 

It's very arrogant, and misguided, of you to think that you can love him better so he'd never cheat on you. Cheating is not about that. Cheating is about people who have poor conflict resolution skills, so they cheat instead of dealing with their problems. A cheater is flawed on the inside. You need proof? Not everyone who is in an unhappy marriage cheats. So the ones that do are making the choice based on their own personal character flaws.

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Nora has it right. "Normal" people do not make lying and deceiving a way of life, as cheaters do. Healthy people do not go this route.

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Don't you think every couple who marries believes that? I can't imagine they'd marry if they knew they'd one day take each other for granted, make the other feel unappreciated, or they'd be just plain unhappy.

 

It's very arrogant, and misguided, of you to think that you can love him better so he'd never cheat on you. Cheating is not about that. Cheating is about people who have poor conflict resolution skills, so they cheat instead of dealing with their problems. A cheater is flawed on the inside. You need proof? Not everyone who is in an unhappy marriage cheats. So the ones that do are making the choice based on their own personal character flaws.

 

Every character is flawed. And no, based on the divorce rate in America, I don't think people consider whether they'll be unappreciated or taken for granted. Happens a LOT. Seems to be a lot of people settling instead of finding that one person.

 

I'll put it this way, I've seen enough to know that things will be different. Too many things that just work. I know it sounds naive. Maybe it is, but sometimes you just know. I have not been a big believer in fate, but finding someone that just naturally clicks with you leaves a lasting impression.

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<removed incorrect quote>

 

IMO, he definitely did (catch a break). If Lizzie is recounting accurately, I find that kind of emotional honesty refreshing. It's not easy and yet IMO far better than leaving him with nagging doubts and/or dragging on a dead relationship under false pretenses.

 

Cheating is about people who have poor conflict resolution skills, so they cheat instead of dealing with their problems. A cheater is flawed on the inside.

 

I agree. I've been this person. Still have a lot of flaws, but have resolved to learn from my mistakes and find a better path. MC has been great for the conflict resolution part. The emotional part (managing the emotions) is the hardest part, for me.

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If they are willing to cheat on the person they are married to or with, what makes you think they won't do the same to you when the next OM/OW comes along? Why would anyone be foolish enough to put themselves in such a position?

 

Casanova, This is a very good question. However, I think it's tough to really think about that when you have fallen head over heals with someone. It's sort of like your mind is in a fog.. almost like your removed from reality for the time. Your mind is focused on the pleasure.. not the potential of pain and the true reality of the situation.. at least that's IMO any way.

 

AP:)

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Every character is flawed.

 

Yes, of course. And for some people, their flaws allow them to believe cheating is a viable alternative to dealing with their marital issues. Others are flawed in different ways, but not in that way.

 

I'll put it this way, I've seen enough to know that things will be different. Too many things that just work. I know it sounds naive. Maybe it is, but sometimes you just know. I have not been a big believer in fate, but finding someone that just naturally clicks with you leaves a lasting impression.

 

You've said you'd wait 6 months for him. What is he willing to do for you?

 

If the answer turns out to be bringing you into an affair, then no, he doesn't have enough respect for you for your relationship to be different. He'd be thinking only of what he wants, and not what is best for you. And if he's not taking your well-being into account, no, nothing will be different if you got together.

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<removed incorrect quote>

 

IMO, he definitely did (catch a break). If Lizzie is recounting accurately, I find that kind of emotional honesty refreshing. It's not easy and yet IMO far better than leaving him with nagging doubts and/or dragging on a dead relationship under false pretenses.

 

 

 

I agree. I've been this person. Still have a lot of flaws, but have resolved to learn from my mistakes and find a better path. MC has been great for the conflict resolution part. The emotional part (managing the emotions) is the hardest part, for me.

I agree. Lizzie was honest with him.

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I've been the OM in the picture, and I prefer it that way. However, I've never messed around with a MW. I have a personal issue with interfering in a commitment that involves and oath before God in a church. All of my situations have been BF/GF type of relationships.

 

What I don't understand is how the OM/OW get so emotionally caught up in these situations. I never do because of one simple question:

 

If they are willing to cheat on the person they are married to or with, what makes you think they won't do the same to you when the next OM/OW comes along? Why would anyone be foolish enough to put themselves in such a position?

 

I honestly don't understand.

 

Well, firstly, not all marriages are made in front of God in a church. That's not just an asinine statement, but just one of fact. I know one of the first questions I asked MM is whether his marriage was a church wedding. The oaths are really quite different in a civil ceremony. There is no 'til death do us part'. And yes, it would have bothered me a lot if his marriage had been sworn differently, because yes, that does matter to me personally.

 

In order to answer the rest of your question, I'm going to turn it on its head. You said you've been involved with cheaters yourself. But you don't get involved with married cheaters, only those cheating on boyfriends. OK, to me that is just as messed up if not 'worse'. Let me explain:

 

If someone is married, with kids (or without), they have a huge amount tied up there, a great big change to make in their lives if they're to become 'free'. Many more people are going to be hurt, promises to love til death reneged on, financial issues, children issues, the list is pretty large. So to me, the idea of cheating on your spouse seems more understandable, perversely, than cheating on a boyfriend. I mean, how much easier is it to say, this isn't working out let's split? than 'I want a divorce'? So to me, if you're going to attempt to justify cheating (not that I am!), but if you were, then cheating on a spouse seems more justifiable to me than cheating on a boyfriend.

 

I mean, what is the EXCUSE for cheating on someone you're hardly attached to in the same way? So why were you even involved with a cheater that had no real 'excuse' (I'm using the term losely for effect here... there is never an 'exuse' for cheating).

 

I realise all this is dodgy ground and I may regret posting at all on the issue, but there you go :laugh:

 

Apart from that, I think this thread is basically asking the same question as the 'would you marry your MM/MW' thread. And I've answered that on the other thread, so for once I'm not going to repeat myself.

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Just reading these posts , one can see that many OW/OM are'nt grounded in reality. Stuff sounds so juvenile, like excerpts from a Harlequin romance: "He'll move mountains,etc". It is quite pathetic.

 

I must admit that one always makes me laugh out loud :lmao:

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Don't you think every couple who marries believes that? I can't imagine they'd marry if they knew they'd one day take each other for granted, make the other feel unappreciated, or they'd be just plain unhappy.

 

It's very arrogant, and misguided, of you to think that you can love him better so he'd never cheat on you. Cheating is not about that. Cheating is about people who have poor conflict resolution skills, so they cheat instead of dealing with their problems. A cheater is flawed on the inside. You need proof? Not everyone who is in an unhappy marriage cheats. So the ones that do are making the choice based on their own personal character flaws.

 

I don't think it's about loving someone 'more' than their current partner. I think you outline a lot of the problems that lead to cheating, yes. But I disagree that they're neccessarily anything to do with 'flaws' in a person. Yes, sometimes they are, you do get people who are so 'flawed' that they can't be intimate with one person; they're never really going to stop cheating without a serious desire to change, and to follow through on that.

 

But in many cases, those poor conflict resolution skills are things that can be fixed! People can learn how to communicate, how to be intimate, how to trust, how to be open with their partner, how to express their needs, how to fulfil another's needs! Those are aquirable skills, not character flaws.

 

I see no real reason why a couple who came together in an affair situation can't work on their relationship skills just as well as anyone else. In fact, knowing their history they'd do well to make sure those issues are addressed. I don't see relationships which began as an affair as necessarily doomed. I don't think there's any evidence for that outcome. There are no figures on it, despite percentages being trundled out time and again.

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... based on the divorce rate in America, I don't think people consider whether they'll be unappreciated or taken for granted. Happens a LOT. Seems to be a lot of people settling instead of finding that one person.

 

I disagree. I don't think its that character flaw. Rather, I would say this generation believes in the quick fix. Immediate and complete satisfaction. If it's not working, put in a small effort then quit. I see this at work. I see this at my kids activities. And I think we see this in divorce rates.

 

Why face the pain? Why do the hard work of repairing a M when I can simply move on and find another? So you find people on their third and fourth M.

 

My .02

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I don't think it's about loving someone 'more' than their current partner. I think you outline a lot of the problems that lead to cheating, yes. But I disagree that they're neccessarily anything to do with 'flaws' in a person. Yes, sometimes they are, you do get people who are so 'flawed' that they can't be intimate with one person; they're never really going to stop cheating without a serious desire to change, and to follow through on that.

 

But in many cases, those poor conflict resolution skills are things that can be fixed! People can learn how to communicate, how to be intimate, how to trust, how to be open with their partner, how to express their needs, how to fulfil another's needs! Those are aquirable skills, not character flaws.

 

I see no real reason why a couple who came together in an affair situation can't work on their relationship skills just as well as anyone else. In fact, knowing their history they'd do well to make sure those issues are addressed. I don't see relationships which began as an affair as necessarily doomed. I don't think there's any evidence for that outcome. There are no figures on it, despite percentages being trundled out time and again.

 

I agree, they CAN learn to communicate, they CAN work on their relationship skills. But do they? When they jump from their marriage into an affair and then into another marriage, do they work on those things? Especially when they think "I'm with my soul mate so of course it will work out this time" but do nothing to work on those skills?

 

Changing relationships doesn't change who people are - they take their internal issues with them into new relationships unless they actually DO something the work on them. Complacently thinking it will be different without any other change except a partner is, I think, doomed to failure eventually if they do nothing.

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I agree, they CAN learn to communicate, they CAN work on their relationship skills. But do they? When they jump from their marriage into an affair and then into another marriage, do they work on those things? Especially when they think "I'm with my soul mate so of course it will work out this time" but do nothing to work on those skills?

 

Changing relationships doesn't change who people are - they take their internal issues with them into new relationships unless they actually DO something the work on them. Complacently thinking it will be different without any other change except a partner is, I think, doomed to failure eventually if they do nothing.

 

Well, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Some MM get themselves into IC and work through their issues during a D or separation. Not all do. But no, of course, simply changing partners won't magically solve anything.

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