An Endless Cycle

[Shannon2008]

HI, I have been lurking here for a while..but wanted to get insight from any of you. This was a post in response to another thread...but am also curious to know what you all think.

 

I met my bf when he was separated from his wife. He lived on his own and was completely available when we met. We dated for quite a few months and it was amazing. I really believed we had a future. When I asked how his divorce proceedings were coming along..he'd always answer with "I am waiting for her to file because I don't want to get screwed with visitation rights and with money. I want it to be amicable." I thought this was a reasonable excuse so I believed him. He had 2 young kids. He told me they just couldn't get along and separated. Shortly after, she went back to an old boyfriend.

After about 4 months, he started behaving differently towards me, more withdrawn, more distant. I knew something was wrong, although he wouldn't admit to anything. He would cancel dates with me because of the "kids". Basically, whenever his wife would call him to watch the kids he would go. I believed him at first, but then I became suspicious. I decided to leave him.

A few months later, I learned he reconciled with his wife. I was very hurt, but at the same time, I felt good about my decision to leave and I was glad I trusted my instincts.

I moved on...dated others.

About 2 years later...he gets in touch with me. He had separated from his wife again and was living with 2 friends. He pursued me for quite some time before I agreed to see him again. I did..and at this point he promised he would get divorced. A few months later, the same thing happened, he withdrew, I left. He reconciled with his wife.

This was a few years ago...This week, he contacted me again. It's an endless cycle. This time, I will not fall back though. I only feel resentment for him...but now I haven't been able to stop reliving our memories. Why does he do this to me? I no longer have strong feelings for him..but I can't get him out of my mind.

 

When will he cut the cord and not run to me when he is having problems in his marriage? Can he really be that selfish to not consider my feelngs?

[BlueHarvest]

That, unfortunately, is the cycle of affairs. Marriage becomes hard, people don't want to step up to the plate and take responsability so they go off to find something to distract them 'till the situation "blows over". Unfortunately you are a distraction for him. Seems like he has issues with his marriage every 2 years. Probably will for the rest of his marriage unless he truly divorces.

 

It's a sign of immaturity as well. If he can't man up and face the issues with his wife right now, what makes you think he'll be able to with you? Don't try to change the bad boy, don't think that anything you do will ever change someone. You can always support someone and help someone towards a goal they themselves have set but you can NEVER EVER change someone else.

 

Understand? NEVER. Affairs are cyclical because that is their nature, they cause your emotions/ego to go up because of the affair, which furthers the affair because ending it makes you feel bad. Continuing the affair feels good but it only furthers the status quo and nothing changes.

 

For anything good to happen to you, you need to cut him off and keep him cut off. For anything good to happen to him he needs to do the same to you and hope he can TRULY reconcile with his wife or at least get a true divorce worked out.

 

Don't worry you'll find someone WORTHY of your love and attention out there.

[Shannon2008]

I'm not going back this time. We ended off the last conversation badly, with him calling me a B*tch..and me telling him F*ck you. Mainly because the conversation turned sexual and he asked questions and I answered him. Only, they didn't involve him, so I'm sure he got jealous...which in turn made him nasty. He is crazy to think that I have not dated or been with anyone in years while he's back in his fairytale marriage.

 

Only thing is, this happened last time..he gets angry when he imagines me with someone else..lol...you have to admit the irony is pretty funny.

Anyway, after his anger wears off, he'll go back to his predator mode and try to win me back. But I'm going to try no-contact and im blocking.

[jwi71]

When will he cut the cord and not run to me when he is having problems in his marriage?

 

When you stop letting him.

The question, to me, becomes why do still allow this "man" into your life?

[frannie]

This was a few years ago...This week, he contacted me again. It's an endless cycle. This time, I will not fall back though. I only feel resentment for him...but now I haven't been able to stop reliving our memories. Why does he do this to me? I no longer have strong feelings for him..but I can't get him out of my mind.

 

When will he cut the cord and not run to me when he is having problems in his marriage? Can he really be that selfish to not consider my feelngs?

 

Yes, he really can be that selfish, and obviously is. But the, you are letting him, or have been. Your whole post is about his actions, questions about why he does this or that, or why he treats you this way: you let him dictate to you and he probably likes it that way. But it also means he has no respect for you.

 

The only way it will end is if you put your foot down, only because of your nature, you find that difficult (I empathise entirely!).

 

One way you could do this is to write down or run through mentally all the times he's made you mad, hurt you or let you down. Use it to get angry. Use it to replace all those happy memories of the occasions when things seemed great. You have to force yourself to see how badly he's behaved and keep it to the forefront of your view of him.

 

And yes, blocking him and and deleting his contact details is a good, practical action too. Good luck

[bentnotbroken]

He'll stop running to you when you stop letting him in. Simple.

[Reggie]

You might want to start looking inside, with some counseling, to find out what is up with you in allowing this to happen repeatedly. I have fought with self esteem issues and can identify with this behavior. You deserve better than this, but you have to beleive it.

[Shannon2008]

All of you are right. Yes, I suppose I do have some self-esteem issues after the rollercoaster ride. But a person does get to the point where enough is enough. That's where I am.

Now I believe I should work on myself to stop getting involved with the wrong men. Thanks everyone.

[Shannon2008]

I wrote this post last week, but he and I have still been in contact. Only online though, I haven't called him...

 

Problem is we speak for hours at a time, last night for 3 hours. The conversation always leads to sex and he is constantly reminiscing about the times we had together as a couple..not just the sex, but everything else. I keep telling him, well we can't change the past so nothing we can do about it. He keeps bringing up how the past is "repeatable". I said, well you tell me you're a devoted husband now, why are we even discussing this. He ignores the statement completely and changes the subject when he realizes I acknowledge his marriage.

 

The last two times he and I were together he was separated and living on his own...I believe he knows I won't see him if he is still living with her, only this time, he's not hiding that fact..yet still is showing an intent to re-unite with me. A large part of me believes he is just out for some sex on the side. A small part of me believes he still has feelngs for me, but won't admit it to me or himself. If he were really just out for sex...why wouldn't he seek out a woman with which he has no past? What brings him back to me? I loved him when I was with him....It took a long time for me to get over for him....and just when I really block him out of my mind or heart, I hear from him...It's like he almost knows instinctively when to contact me.

 

I don't understand why we are still drawn to eachother after so many years, break-ups, fights...etc. Is it really just the sex...?

[Chinook]

Shannon, he will never let go of you if you continue to enable this behaviour. Put it this way, if it had been someone else who he had come across all those years ago... he'd be doing the same thing with that person, which means it isn't anything about YOU that is driving him. What's driving him is HIM. Also he knows very well that you're hooked and he can pull you back any time he wants. Your posts could have described a situation I have with an ex from a few years ago... he's another one who resurfaced again this week. He emailed me and added me to Yahoo messenger. I allowed it and eventually he got around to asking when we would meet up. I replied 'we won't. You and I both know it is never going to happen, simple as that'. I haven't spoken to him since then, it would appear he's got the message on this occasion. I've gone back to blocking and avoiding. He'll learn eventually. This is around the 4th or 5th time now over a period of 4 years. I'm tired of it and I'm tired of him.

[2sunny]

when i ask myself "why?" i keep myself in the past. i really don't need an explanation for my mistakes - i need a possible solution.

 

when i ask "HOW can i make this different?" then i move towards a healthier future.

[norajane]

He's coming back to you because you let him in, every single time, no matter what he does to you.

 

Even now, you're already back-pedaling and asking if this means he must actually be lin love with you. He isn't! He's looking for someone to give him sex, and all the other reminiscences are just the hook he's using to get you back - because it works.

 

He comes back to you because you let him. It would be a lot harder for him to start fresh in seducing someone who would be willing to enter into an affair with him. If you're willing, then he has less work to do to convince someone else.

[wildsoul]

I don't understand why we are still drawn to eachother after so many years, break-ups, fights...etc. Is it really just the sex...?

I think that women make a HUGE wrong interpretation of men all the time. Because we've been hurt by men's ability to compartmentalize thoughts/feelings more than we do, we tend to be on the looking for "does he just want me for sex?" IME, most men don't want just sex. NO. They want a mixture of emotional connection & validation in there too. Another way I see this wrong belief manifest is something I read here all the time, "We've not had sex yet," or "we didn't have sex for almost a year," implying then that the man must be in REAL love. Again, that assumes men are one way or the other. They are not.

 

What I think is more accurate is that men are able to better separate their thoughts from their feelings. Also, more often than not, they will make their decisions to act based on thoughts first. So for example, a MM might have very powerful feelings for an OW, yet never take action to leave his M. As women, we can't understand it! If the feelings are so strong and true, then he should act, right? That's what we do. We act based on our feelings first. But men aren't like us.

 

I was listenting to someone who gave me TONS of insight on this. She said, "If you want to know what your man's truth is on something, don't ask him how he feels." (OMG, isn't that we do all the time? Because for us women, the feelings reveal the greater truth.) "No. Ask him what he thinks." Then he'll tell you what his greater truth is.

 

So what I'm saying is that it's probably true that he feels both love and sexual attraction for you. But as in all the cases with us OW, it doesn't mean those feelings are influencing him enough to commit to us.

 

PS: So what this really boils down to is that you shouldn't base your decision on his feelings, since he isn't! Go with the actions.

[Shannon2008]

It would be a lot harder for him to start fresh in seducing someone who would be willing to enter into an affair with him. If you're willing, then he has less work to do to convince someone else.

 

So that is his objective, an affair, or as someone else here said, a distraction from his marriage? His initial contact was a "hey, what's up, what's going on in your life...etc" But I suppose that is not the type of reconnection he's actually looking for.

He has not asked to see me though, but he has been talking about our past a lot and he acts as if he wants to discover me all over again. I suppose it's just his way of getting back into my mind before making his move. He used the love angle last time...so he can't use it now.

I swear I am so good at seeing and discovering deceit with other people, but am so bad at seeing it when it's being done to me....

[norajane]

He's still living with his wife. Why do you think he wants anything other than an affair????

 

He's certainly not going to come right out and say, hey, do you want to get into an affair with me?! He'll lure you in by making you feel all mushy toward him, by reminding you of how 'good' things were between you in the past. Fact is, he has nothing to offer you.

[Shannon2008]

I have decided to start no contact. I think after a few weeks of not seeing me online and no emailing will give him the signal that I'm over it and not going down the same road....again.

If I feel weak, I'll come to this site...I only wish I found this site a few years ago.....

[Cliche]

I think no contact is the only way to go with this guy. You really need to get him out of your life completely. In your posts, I see very little redeeming qualities in him. No way should you ever let any man, especially one who has treated you this way, call you a b*tch.

[Shannon2008]

I think no contact is the only way to go with this guy. You really need to get him out of your life completely. In your posts, I see very little redeeming qualities in him. No way should you ever let any man, especially one who has treated you this way, call you a b*tch.

 

If only that was the worst thing he's done to me....he's given me more pain than I knew I was even capable of handling....I hate him more than I loved him...it's that fine line.

I try to remember the bad times...this is what gives me strength to begin the whole blocking process again.

I guess with time...you focus on the good and not the bad....but I just need to remember he's a deceiving liar only looking to fulfill his own selfish needs.

[signedin2008]

Why does he do this to me? I no longer have strong feelings for him..but I can't get him out of my mind.

 

When will he cut the cord and not run to me when he is having problems in his marriage? Can he really be that selfish to not consider my feelngs?

 

 

Easy solution. Tell his wife what happened and tell her what he is doing now AGAIN. This will END his persuing of you and it is the right thing to do as a former mistress.

[Shannon2008]

Easy solution. Tell his wife what happened and tell her what he is doing now AGAIN. This will END his persuing of you and it is the right thing to do as a former mistress.

 

I wouldn't do that..he also has 2 small children. I'm not going to be the reason for their problems. First of all...I wouldn't want to experience his wrath, and secondly...I haven't seen him in 2 years....just because he's trying to reconnect doesn't mean it will happen...and it won't.

The last 2 times I was with him, he was separated, living apart from his wife. That is not the situation now...so he has no chance,not even a remote one, in getting me back....Even if he was separated, he put me through such lows...I haven't and probably will never forgive him.

[Shannon2008]

Seperated does not mean that he was still married to her. There are reasons why couples have to wait a certain period before the court can legally divorce them. You slept with a married man, you were a mistress.

And his wife was involved with a man during the separation too....It didn't work out for her, so my guess is she decided to get her husband back...instead of going through with the divorce. It's not always black and white as you'd like to portray...none of these situations are.

[Mino]

I think that women make a HUGE wrong interpretation of men all the time. Because we've been hurt by men's ability to compartmentalize thoughts/feelings more than we do, we tend to be on the looking for "does he just want me for sex?" IME, most men don't want just sex. NO. They want a mixture of emotional connection & validation in there too. Another way I see this wrong belief manifest is something I read here all the time, "We've not had sex yet," or "we didn't have sex for almost a year," implying then that the man must be in REAL love. Again, that assumes men are one way or the other. They are not.

 

What I think is more accurate is that men are able to better separate their thoughts from their feelings. Also, more often than not, they will make their decisions to act based on thoughts first. So for example, a MM might have very powerful feelings for an OW, yet never take action to leave his M. As women, we can't understand it! If the feelings are so strong and true, then he should act, right? That's what we do. We act based on our feelings first. But men aren't like us.

 

I was listenting to someone who gave me TONS of insight on this. She said, "If you want to know what your man's truth is on something, don't ask him how he feels." (OMG, isn't that we do all the time? Because for us women, the feelings reveal the greater truth.) "No. Ask him what he thinks." Then he'll tell you what his greater truth is.

 

So what I'm saying is that it's probably true that he feels both love and sexual attraction for you. But as in all the cases with us OW, it doesn't mean those feelings are influencing him enough to commit to us.

 

PS: So what this really boils down to is that you shouldn't base your decision on his feelings, since he isn't! Go with the actions.

great post ws, learned something new today... I will ask "what do you think" from now on:o

[Mino]

So, your logic/excuse is if his wife is unfaithful, it gives you the license to sleep with her husband?

 

Does the fact that say you cheat on your taxes gives ME the right to take your car?

If its good enough for her , it should also be good enough for him.. People do have that clause in there seperation agreement that they can date...

[Brimstone_Angel]

...When will he cut the cord and not run to me when he is having problems in his marriage? Can he really be that selfish to not consider my feelngs?

 

Ask yourself this. If anyone is willing to cheat on their spouse. To instead of facing the problem avoid it and complicate it by bring other hearts into the marriage. Are they really looking out for anyone? And another thing to ask yourself, if he is not really considering his wife's and/or kids feelings, those who rightful deserve them...Why should he treat your feelings any better?

 

I am glad your think about this. But, you can't blame him for his selfishness alone. You right now should not be thinking about him anymore, but think about that wife and/or kids if he has them. How would you feel if you were that wife? How would you feel if you were that/those kid/kids? Or if you have already experienced it, then, remember how you felt. And think about some of these things...

 

Is this the woman I really want to be?

Is this the woman my parents or other person/people who loved me raised me to be?

Don't I deserve more than some else's scraps?

Aren't I worth more than what I get from him?

If this got out to my friends and/or family, could I stand up proudly on this issue?

Am I truly the only one he has slept with or has he had other women besides me or am I even his only one now?

What if something happens and I get pregnant?

What risks and downfalls am I setting myself up for?

Could the spouse be one of those people who would harm me if I got caught?

 

You need to start thinking about the woman you are now and what you want her to be tomorrow. Think about the golden rule. Is this what I would want someone else to do to me? If not, why am I doing it to someone else?

 

It is good that you are questioning yourself and wondering about things. I hope you really think about things and that you find the answers you need to make the right decision for your life. Just remember, for every thought and action, there is a consequence, be it good or bad. And sometimes consequences won't show up until way down the line when we think we are free and clear.

[Mino]

If anyone is trolling, it would be you. I've been here much longer than you did. Look at the similiarity of your screen name to mine. Who's trolling?

Yes I agree, this OW?OM board may be too much for you, Infidility is in the next room, you can get your anger out there