It REALLY ended today - I really need

[MizzBlue72]

I am hurting so bad right now and I can't tell anyone so I wanted to know if you could please listen and maybe hug me?

 

I sent the NC email yesterday, ending everything, deleted numbers, etc, blocked emails. I cried all night last night :lmao: I was strong today, and did well -- until:

 

I forgot to delete messenger acct and we 'talked'. Which - in the end -- solidified the decision that I made to let this go, but it was the way that he talked to me. He wanted to call instead of writing, so I broke down and told him to call -- it wasn't a good call -- but it put the final end on this that I needed to hear.

 

Logically - my head was always saying, 'nothing can come of this, it's just sex,' and he just clarified the statement bu saying, 'well we both got what we want - you had a good time, didn't you? We went out to eat and talked -- that's more than a **** buddy.'

 

When I asked if he had any feelings, he confirmed what I knew (no - I'm married, I have my life, you have yours, you can't think about me like that, why don't you get a hobby, the holidays are coming up, I like my life here, etc.) -- and I know that this is so stupid for me to say, but literally, this has crushed my heart -- :lmao:. Even though I KNEW this -- there was this little, tiny piece of my heart saying, 'No - he likes you - of course he does'.

 

He asked me who I hate? I hate him - and I hate myself for doing this to myself, and allowing myself to be hurt this much. I don't hate the BS -- because I take full responsibility for this, but please -- I hurt so bad I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

 

The part that hurts me the most, is I don't trust anyone - no one. And I honestly was stupid enough to let this person in, and I can honestly say that I am devistated.....

 

Please help me -- I hurt so bad and I just can't stop crying. I know what I did was wrong, I know all of the bad things that people think, I know all of that -- I would have given anything to just have heard him say, 'Well yeah, maybe I did love you too'.

 

He honestly wants to be friends -- seriously. :mad: I am sooo angry -- he says that we can be email buddies --

 

Can't stop crying, and please - I know -- I am pathetic, but today was a really, really hard day. I deleted the messenger, and made sure everything else is gone, even if I want to contact him -- I can't.

[wildsoul]

(((MizzBlue))) Let those tears fall unimpeded. There's no point in trying to reconcile your head and heart right now. Just be with the feelings. As overwhelming as your sadness is tonight, it won't last forever. Go through it.

 

You did really good with cutting off avenues of contact. You're going to need space from him to heal...and you WILL heal. Post here instead of contacting him.

 

There's a great book on going through relationship withdrawals. It's called "Breaking your addiction to a person," by S. Halpern. You might want to pick up a copy.

 

Hug your inner kid, too! One of the things I learned from that book is how it's your inner kid that's kicking up a lot of the fuss with desperate tears and anxiety. I'm praying that your pain is healed by grace.

[GreenEyedLady]

(((HUGS)))

 

You are in my thoughts...

 

Take care of yourself, do the things you need to do to feel better...

 

I know the place you are at and it is dark and awful...But the light will come again, I promise...

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

Unfortunately you are now in the shoes of a BS. We also don't feel as if we can trust, and the anger and pain is immeasurable.

[whichwayisup]

Well, he more or less layed it all out on the table. Don't ever change your mind and take him back, because what he is offering you, is crap on stick! Yes, your heart loves him, he makes you feel great (when the rollercoaster ride is on it's high) BUT, it is going nowhere and only doing damage to you. It's good that you can see the truth of your situation, even though it hurts badly. Don't ever let your heart fool you into thinking otherwise.

 

Forgive yourself for choosing the wrong man. Please get counselling if you feel you can't cope, don't be afraid to ask for help..

[MizzBlue72]

Thank you guys SO MUCH!!!

 

It still hurts, but instead of talking to him - I will post here instead.

 

I really needed this tonight.

[norajane]

It may not feel like it right now, but you did the best for yourself.

 

Good for you for having the strength to do the hard thing and face this head on. Feel free to wallow and cry and let the pain out. You will eventually come through to the other side, feeling stronger and in control of your life.

 

(((hugs)))

[aloneatnights]

had to reply to you, i'm 6 months NC and things are looking good. i'm dating again!

anyway, feel your pain, let it out. feel your anger and remember it when you feel like contacting him again. he laid it out for you bluntly and that is good in its way. it will help you let go and move on.

hurts like nothing on earth at the beginning but it eases up.

as for not trusting anybody, i do and i dont. i always keep a little bit back of myself now.

keep strong and post here

[torranceshipman]

What an ass-treating you like that was REALLY nasty, aside from thefact that he clearly has no remorse that he was having an A in the first place. He clearly treats the women in his life like crap and has no respect for anyone...I'm sorry he talked to you like that - even with a bit of sensitivity and tact he could have given you a bit of a softer landing. Great move to delete everything and I think he wanted to be email friends for the ego boost and the 'door kept open' for fun times with you. What a nasty guy-you're SO better off without him and I guess this must sting all the worse because he was so disrespectful about everything (the 'well we had dinner did't we?' was a particularly pathetic comment)! Don't imagine that all guys or all people are this selfish and dishonest because theyre not.

 

Hugs!!!!

[jwi71]

I am hurting so bad right now and I can't tell anyone so I wanted to know if you could please listen and maybe hug me?

 

I sent the NC email yesterday, ending everything, deleted numbers, etc, blocked emails. I cried all night last night :lmao: I was strong today, and did well -- until:

 

I forgot to delete messenger acct and we 'talked'. Which - in the end -- solidified the decision that I made to let this go, but it was the way that he talked to me. He wanted to call instead of writing, so I broke down and told him to call -- it wasn't a good call -- but it put the final end on this that I needed to hear.

 

Logically - my head was always saying, 'nothing can come of this, it's just sex,' and he just clarified the statement bu saying, 'well we both got what we want - you had a good time, didn't you? We went out to eat and talked -- that's more than a **** buddy.'

 

When I asked if he had any feelings, he confirmed what I knew (no - I'm married, I have my life, you have yours, you can't think about me like that, why don't you get a hobby, the holidays are coming up, I like my life here, etc.) -- and I know that this is so stupid for me to say, but literally, this has crushed my heart -- :lmao:. Even though I KNEW this -- there was this little, tiny piece of my heart saying, 'No - he likes you - of course he does'.

 

He asked me who I hate? I hate him - and I hate myself for doing this to myself, and allowing myself to be hurt this much. I don't hate the BS -- because I take full responsibility for this, but please -- I hurt so bad I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

 

The part that hurts me the most, is I don't trust anyone - no one. And I honestly was stupid enough to let this person in, and I can honestly say that I am devistated.....

 

Please help me -- I hurt so bad and I just can't stop crying. I know what I did was wrong, I know all of the bad things that people think, I know all of that -- I would have given anything to just have heard him say, 'Well yeah, maybe I did love you too'.

 

He honestly wants to be friends -- seriously. :mad: I am sooo angry -- he says that we can be email buddies --

 

Can't stop crying, and please - I know -- I am pathetic, but today was a really, really hard day. I deleted the messenger, and made sure everything else is gone, even if I want to contact him -- I can't.

 

Oh he wants to be email buddies alright - to give you enough hope to keep his hooks in you. To continue using you. His pleasure at his choosing.

 

Learn from this.

 

Learn about him. Learn about yourself.

 

What have you learned about a) him and b) yourself?

[frannie]

... no - I'm married, I have my life, you have yours, you can't think about me like that, why don't you get a hobby, the holidays are coming up, I like my life here, etc.

 

((((((( MizzBlue ))))))))

 

You know, the great thing about this is he layed it all on the table for you to see what a monumental, unfeeling jackass he is I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it won't be long before you're thanking your lucky stars that it's his W that gets to keep him.

 

"why don't you get a hobby" ~ classic.

[Owl]

I replied on your other thread, please take a look there as well.

 

But...you've done the right things to end this so far.

 

I know it wasn't it easy...but it was the RIGHT thing to do.

 

Read my other advice...post wherever you feel is appropriate.

[MizzBlue72]

Thank you guys.

 

I have learned that I should have never done this in the first place. I guess that is where my anger is at.

 

I have learned that he wants sex when he wants it. And I just wasn't wanting to see or hear that.

 

I know that I don't know what will happen in the future, but I do know that I don't want this. I don't want this ever again . . . .

 

I do talk to a therapist - it helps a little. Now - I need to continue working with counselor on my marriage too.

 

This I think is the hardest part - my husband. We haven't started marriage counselling yet (have the appt) and I know that a lot of people think I should tell him everything. It's not that I want to protect myself that I don't want to tell him -- It would crush him.

[Owl]

Of course it will crush him...what you're not recognizing is that became inevitable from the moment you started your affair.

 

HE'S GOING TO BE CRUSHED BY THIS AT SOME POINT.

 

HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT...SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW.

 

The deal is this...it doesn't matter WHEN or HOW he finds out. He might not find out until 10 years from now, after YOU have moved on and your marriage is in a much different place. BUT THAT WON'T MATTER.

 

For him...it will EXACTLY as though you had just gotten straight from seeing your OM to tell him...the 10 years won't make it easier...it will make it HARDER. Because then, he'll also have the ADDED betrayal of a 10 year long LIE that's been told to him everyday.

 

Trust me...this is exactly how it will be taken.

 

You have the power...now...to be able to HELP MANAGE how he finds out, and be PREPARED to help him deal with the sheer devestation.

 

If you don't tell now...you will be in a WORSE position to help him later.

 

Stop thinking that he'll NEVER know...stop thinking that the telling him is going to be what crushes him. It won't be. You have ALREADY crushed him...he just doesn't know it yet. He's walking around, EVERY SINGLE DAY...with this Sword of Damoclese dangling over his head...and doesn't know it.

 

But you do. And YOU can help him deal with it by being honest NOW, rather than continue a lie with him indefinitealy.

 

I was CRUSHED beyond any belief you can imagine by my wife's affair. I've posted on this site and others for over four years now...and I can tell you that WAITING to tell him will accomplish NOTHING.

 

Only by being honest are you going to fix things.

 

Going to MC and LYING about what's gone on will only be a waste of time and money. Because you won't really be addressing the BIGGEST issue right now (your affair)...you'll be working on the little things first...and fixing NOTHING because of that.

 

I can believe that you don't want to hurt him. And that is your main reason for not wanting to tell.

 

The problem is...you're confusing "telling" with being the source of his pain, and you're confused thinking that you'll PREVENT him from being hurt by your affair. You can't. You can only POSTPONE that pain...for so long. At some point...it will come out.

 

But not telling him NOW only postpones it...and at the same time it prevents either of you from truly fixing anything in your marriage.

 

Tell him NOW. Start fixing things NOW. Avoid living a LIE any longer.

 

Own your mistake. And...OWN helping your husband recovering from that mistake.

[jwi71]

Of course it will crush him...what you're not recognizing is that became inevitable from the moment you started your affair.

 

HE'S GOING TO BE CRUSHED BY THIS AT SOME POINT.

 

HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT...SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW.

 

The deal is this...it doesn't matter WHEN or HOW he finds out. He might not find out until 10 years from now, after YOU have moved on and your marriage is in a much different place. BUT THAT WON'T MATTER.

 

For him...it will EXACTLY as though you had just gotten straight from seeing your OM to tell him...the 10 years won't make it easier...it will make it HARDER. Because then, he'll also have the ADDED betrayal of a 10 year long LIE that's been told to him everyday.

 

Trust me...this is exactly how it will be taken.

 

You have the power...now...to be able to HELP MANAGE how he finds out, and be PREPARED to help him deal with the sheer devestation.

 

If you don't tell now...you will be in a WORSE position to help him later.

 

Stop thinking that he'll NEVER know...stop thinking that the telling him is going to be what crushes him. It won't be. You have ALREADY crushed him...he just doesn't know it yet. He's walking around, EVERY SINGLE DAY...with this Sword of Damoclese dangling over his head...and doesn't know it.

 

But you do. And YOU can help him deal with it by being honest NOW, rather than continue a lie with him indefinitealy.

 

I was CRUSHED beyond any belief you can imagine by my wife's affair. I've posted on this site and others for over four years now...and I can tell you that WAITING to tell him will accomplish NOTHING.

 

Only by being honest are you going to fix things.

 

Going to MC and LYING about what's gone on will only be a waste of time and money. Because you won't really be addressing the BIGGEST issue right now (your affair)...you'll be working on the little things first...and fixing NOTHING because of that.

 

I can believe that you don't want to hurt him. And that is your main reason for not wanting to tell.

 

The problem is...you're confusing "telling" with being the source of his pain, and you're confused thinking that you'll PREVENT him from being hurt by your affair. You can't. You can only POSTPONE that pain...for so long. At some point...it will come out.

 

But not telling him NOW only postpones it...and at the same time it prevents either of you from truly fixing anything in your marriage.

 

Tell him NOW. Start fixing things NOW. Avoid living a LIE any longer.

 

Own your mistake. And...OWN helping your husband recovering from that mistake.

 

Well said. As a BS too, I can vouch for Owl on this. The passage of time does nothing but aggravate this wound.

 

You gotta come clean. All of it. Now. There is no viable excuse.

 

I will tell you how I reacted:

Devastated. Crushed. Our MC said it was possibly the single worst thing a human can hear. The entire foundation of my life was revealed as a lie. Ouch doesn't begin to cover it.

 

I had her in my attorneys office the next day, papers drawn up and signed. Ready to file. That close. I stopped. Never filed. Doubt I will.

 

So the question in your mind is how I got from D to doubt I will file.

 

Answer: Her effort. I posted in you other thread what you must do. Tell him the truth, omit no detail if asked and you must never tell a lie - however small. Offer him what I suggested. It will pay big dividends down the road.

 

Its a bumpy few weeks. Hang in there. Good luck...keep us up to date. Hell, send your H here...some of BS can provide support HE will need.

[MizzBlue72]

Damnit! I am so afraid to tell husband!! This is so hard.

[frannie]

Damnit! I am so afraid to tell husband!! This is so hard.

 

Not to step on anyone's toes, but please make sure that you're telling him (if you are) for your own good and for the good of your marriage. There are BSs here who would themselves want to know if they were being cheated on, but there are those who say they would much rather not have known.

 

I just don't think it's as clear-cut as some are saying. So just be sure it's right for YOU. Only you can make that decision.

[woe_is_me]

I am hurting so bad right now and I can't tell anyone so I wanted to know if you could please listen and maybe hug me?

 

I sent the NC email yesterday, ending everything, deleted numbers, etc, blocked emails. I cried all night last night :lmao: I was strong today, and did well -- until:

 

I forgot to delete messenger acct and we 'talked'. Which - in the end -- solidified the decision that I made to let this go, but it was the way that he talked to me. He wanted to call instead of writing, so I broke down and told him to call -- it wasn't a good call -- but it put the final end on this that I needed to hear.

 

Logically - my head was always saying, 'nothing can come of this, it's just sex,' and he just clarified the statement bu saying, 'well we both got what we want - you had a good time, didn't you? We went out to eat and talked -- that's more than a **** buddy.'

 

When I asked if he had any feelings, he confirmed what I knew (no - I'm married, I have my life, you have yours, you can't think about me like that, why don't you get a hobby, the holidays are coming up, I like my life here, etc.) -- and I know that this is so stupid for me to say, but literally, this has crushed my heart -- :lmao:. Even though I KNEW this -- there was this little, tiny piece of my heart saying, 'No - he likes you - of course he does'.

 

He asked me who I hate? I hate him - and I hate myself for doing this to myself, and allowing myself to be hurt this much. I don't hate the BS -- because I take full responsibility for this, but please -- I hurt so bad I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

 

The part that hurts me the most, is I don't trust anyone - no one. And I honestly was stupid enough to let this person in, and I can honestly say that I am devistated.....

 

Please help me -- I hurt so bad and I just can't stop crying. I know what I did was wrong, I know all of the bad things that people think, I know all of that -- I would have given anything to just have heard him say, 'Well yeah, maybe I did love you too'.

 

He honestly wants to be friends -- seriously. :mad: I am sooo angry -- he says that we can be email buddies --

 

Can't stop crying, and please - I know -- I am pathetic, but today was a really, really hard day. I deleted the messenger, and made sure everything else is gone, even if I want to contact him -- I can't.

 

i only read the first two sentences..and im giving you..a can of 'harden up'

lol

[woe_is_me]

and he just clarified the statement bu saying, 'well we both got what we want - you had a good time, didn't you?

 

omfg...arent they horrible!

 

that kind of chit sucks Mizz... take care alright ...youre better than he wants to treat you ..

[woe_is_me]

there i go again..jumping the gun as usual..i didnt realise you were already married ..

 

why did you get married if you were going to do this when you werent even separated??

 

ffs ..

[casanovacorner]

You're better off right now. Ask yourself this. If he would have left his wife for you, what makes you think he wouldn't leave you for someone else?

 

In the long run, you probably saved yourself a lot of pain and suffering.

[casanovacorner]

Damnit! I am so afraid to tell husband!! This is so hard.

 

Don't tell him. Suggest becoming swingers and see if he likes the idea. If not, drop it. If so, go swing if sleeping with other men is your thing. That way, you can fulfill your needs and he knows. That's if you want to keep your relationship. If not, tell him. He'll either confess something to you or leave you.

 

I'm not saying he won't come back, but if he does, he'll probably cheat in the future. That's just my perspective as a guy though.

[MizzBlue72]

OK - so I have cut off contact, but still have not told husband. I know - I need to tell him - I'm just too chicken to do it. I still think that maybe, just maybe, he will never have to find out.

 

I really don't want to hurt him - and I know everyone says that you have to tell the spouse, but if there is anyway to just get through this and not tell him - that is what I would rather do.

 

Am I fooling myself??

[Owl]

Well...who knows...you MIGHT get away with it.

 

Some people do.

 

But, point blank question...is that really who YOU want to be?

 

The woman who "got away with it"?

[jwi71]

Yes, you are fooling yourself.

 

If you go to MC, your MC will sniff it out. What will you say to your MC when asked "Have either of you had an A?" Will you lie? To your MC? Why bother going if you are going to lie? How can you work on the M if you lie in therapy? The wound, the disease will still exist. And always fester.

 

Yes, revelation will be hell. At least this weight will be off your shoulders. And you can focus on 1) if the M can survive 2) how to survive.

 

I am a BS. I had no clue. I ultimately choose to attempt reconciliation. This was driven in large part by my W's actions. Though I caught her, she has yet to slip. Delivered across the board.

 

Your H discovers this after you have been lying in MC - no chance of survival. We all realize that you will naturally lie to hide the A. But to lie in MC? When trying to heal rifts? To know and say nothing in MC? How can you heal and continue to lie? That betrayal will be insurmountable in my eyes.

 

Fess up. If you are to have any chance at survival you must fess up.