Jump to content

Would you marry your MM/MW?


DealingWDrama

Recommended Posts

DealingWDrama

Would you consider marrying the man or woman you began an affair with knowing how seriously they took their marriage vows originally?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Would you consider marrying the man or woman you began an affair with knowing how seriously they took their marriage vows originally?

Answering just on the point of "how seriously they took their marriage vows," I would say yes. My guy was faithfully married for 16 years. I consider a marriage of that length successful, even though it ended.

 

Infidelity is a known risk factor with a confirmed cheater, whether you are married or simply in a monogamous dating relationship. Yet infidelity can also be risk with someone who hasn't cheated before. I do think that it's prudent to date for awhile and see if there are cheating indications before going through the legal process of marriage. No guarantees, only trust and well-intentioned agreements.

 

Side question: Was it Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones who had an infidelity clause written into their pre-nup? I seem to remember that he had a serious cheating problem over his lifetime and that they actually wrote up a penalty clause both as a deterrant for him and a start-your-life-over insurance policy for her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd definitely consider it. I'd need to know that he'd tackled the problems that led to his infidelity in the past. Like communication issues, conflict-avoidance, and so on. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble, imho.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Would you consider marrying the man or woman you began an affair with knowing how seriously they took their marriage vows originally?

 

Yes. I know everyone thinks their situation is "different". Well, maybe some don't. In mine, there's an agreement not to cross physical boundaries until the situation is "resolved". Also, I know there's a connection there that they don't have, and never had. Sometimes people make choices and discover that they married the wrong person for them, or they grew apart. It happens. It wasn't about taking marriage vows seriously. They did, and the marriage isn't working. People stay in marriages for many reasons besides being happy.

 

When you find someone that you know is right and will be right, I don't think its about cheating or infidelity. Its about being with the person you should have been with from the beginning, but just hadn't found each other yet.

 

I also know that marriage would take time. No one should jump out of one marriage and hop right into another immediately - that's asking for failure. Its one thing to leave a marriage and be with someone else. Its completely another to do so and not take time to prepare for the rest of your lives.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When you find someone that you know is right and will be right, I don't think its about cheating or infidelity. Its about being with the person you should have been with from the beginning, but just hadn't found each other yet.

 

If that is the case, then a D shouldn't take long and years to drag out. A D should happen quickly, not drag out in fears of hurting the BW/BH. Those who are strung along in A's for two, three or four years aren't worth marrying. Just take a look at some of the threads.

 

In GEL's situation, her MM left his wife and they divorced, he followed through on his promises, in actions! Not just words.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you kidding me.. of course not... I wouldn't want to be 'encombrée d'un homme'..

 

Why would I settle for only one.. when I can have so many.. ;):laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
Would you consider marrying the man or woman you began an affair with knowing how seriously they took their marriage vows originally?

 

I just did. And the ink wasn't dry very long. :love:

 

He's not the same person he was when he got married in the first place and he isn't the same man as when I met him. He is a different man. And he is a good man. Maybe he made some choices that hurt people, but he "gets it." He learned what he needed to learn. And it was time to move forward.

 

He is the only man for me.

 

That's why I married him.

 

And I don't see the difference between marrying someone you love and staying with them after infidelity because you love them. So I guess the question could be turned around on you and asked this way,

 

"Why do you stay with a man you know doesn't take his marriage vows with YOU seriously?"

 

You see. We only see our side, from our experiences. Funny how it becomes a "I have more invested" argument. Don't ya think?

 

Why not live and let live?

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, if gay marriage was legal here, I would have married her. On my part I would have been willing to make that commitment to her.

I may have had my heart broken down the road, as I"m not sure she is able to stay faithful, but I also would have gone into it knowing that.

It feels akward to explain, but I know who she is and I accept that and love her anyway.

On her part, her and her gf have never had any sort of ceremony. She said to me once before the A started that someday she would like to marry, but that gf isn't the one. After the A started, she once said to me that she wished she could take me away and marry me. I know that part of that was just pillow talk, but there is a part of her that yearns for much greater happiness than she allows herself now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If that is the case, then a D shouldn't take long and years to drag out. A D should happen quickly, not drag out in fears of hurting the BW/BH. Those who are strung along in A's for two, three or four years aren't worth marrying. Just take a look at some of the threads.

 

In GEL's situation, her MM left his wife and they divorced, he followed through on his promises, in actions! Not just words.

 

But doesn't that depend on why it's taking so long? How long is too long? At what point do you (the OW) decide that he's 'all words and no action', or do you stick around to get to the bottom of the issues? It's easy to say 'oh he's done nothing for years' when you're on the outside not actually dealing with things but applying statistics and generalities.

 

You mention GEL's xMM now H. But he didn't rush out and get a D in a matter of months either. It's just not as black and white as we'd all like to believe (or all wish it could be!).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes. I know everyone thinks their situation is "different". Well, maybe some don't. In mine, there's an agreement not to cross physical boundaries until the situation is "resolved".

Don't you think every marriage has that agreement? Don't you think every couple gets married with the notion of we would never cheat on one another and would resolve our problems first or divorce? People do not go into a marriage thinking their spouse would cheat. Why get married if you think one or the other would "cross physical boundaries" as you put it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Would you consider marrying the man or woman you began an affair with knowing how seriously they took their marriage vows originally?

 

Well, based on that - more than 30 years of commitment and duty and fidelity and monogamy - I'd be on a very safe wicket. Not that that matters to me. Sexual exclusivity is such a non-issue for me.

 

But yes, we will be marrying, as soon as his divorce is through.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Don't you think every marriage has that agreement? Don't you think every couple gets married with the notion of we would never cheat on one another and would resolve our problems first or divorce? People do not go into a marriage thinking their spouse would cheat. Why get married if you think one or the other would "cross physical boundaries" as you put it?

 

Actually, I do. And I think people do get married with the notion that cheating won't occur. They also have a lot of other notions - they won't be taken for granted, the love and connection will always be there, their goals/hopes/dreams will stay in sync with each other, etc. Those don't always happen. People stay in marriages for a number of reasons beyond love and happiness - sometimes other commitments need attention before the D can move forward.

 

I don't expect anyone would get married if they "knew" cheating would occur. I also expect that people wouldn't get married if they "knew" they'd meet the love of their life later either. That's why I say every situation is different. Many of us are "normal" people in interesting situations looking for advice, sympathy, or maybe a kick in the butt - I don't think that many of us are serial adulterers/adultresses with few/no morals. I know I'm not, anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If that is the case, then a D shouldn't take long and years to drag out. A D should happen quickly, not drag out in fears of hurting the BW/BH. Those who are strung along in A's for two, three or four years aren't worth marrying. Just take a look at some of the threads.

 

In GEL's situation, her MM left his wife and they divorced, he followed through on his promises, in actions! Not just words.

 

Maybe, maybe not. If there are children and/or lots of property/assets and emotions run high, it can take a while. I know people that have taken 2/3 years to get through it.

 

I agree though - a long drawn out affair is trouble. Mine, if you can call it an affair, has been fairly short and D was talked about before the "feelings" were acknowledged anyway. If anything, the possibility of D opened the door for it. We were friends & co-workers for some time before the situation became real.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Isn't that a catch 22 situation? I mean how can you trust someone who cheated on their original marriage? It doesn't matter if it's 10 days or 10 years that you have been with someone. It still breaks the basic principles of marriage which is to have an inherent trust with someone.

 

What you feel for the MM/MW isn't love, it's lust/infatuation.

And I can tell you what drives this lust/infatuation. In men, 9 out of 10 times, it's a need to try to "rescue" a woman from her current marriage due to some reason or another, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse, loveless marriage.

 

For woman 9 out of 10 times it's a chance to 'change' a man for the better. Turning the "bad guy" into the guy you take home to mom and dad.

 

Please. When your done dreaming and validating your "reality" of marrying these people who are already married and wake up to the real world you'll see that what drives people to cheat is nothing more then hormones and misplaced emotions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frannie are you back with the married man?

 

LOL. I wondered how long it would take for someone to ask me that :laugh:

 

No, I haven't seen him properly in more than a year. But we have talked on the phone. I'm not in an affair with him though, no. That's over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Isn't that a catch 22 situation? I mean how can you trust someone who cheated on their original marriage? It doesn't matter if it's 10 days or 10 years that you have been with someone. It still breaks the basic principles of marriage which is to have an inherent trust with someone.

 

What you feel for the MM/MW isn't love, it's lust/infatuation.

And I can tell you what drives this lust/infatuation. In men, 9 out of 10 times, it's a need to try to "rescue" a woman from her current marriage due to some reason or another, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse, loveless marriage.

 

For woman 9 out of 10 times it's a chance to 'change' a man for the better. Turning the "bad guy" into the guy you take home to mom and dad.

 

Please. When your done dreaming and validating your "reality" of marrying these people who are already married and wake up to the real world you'll see that what drives people to cheat is nothing more then hormones and misplaced emotions.

 

I suppose, for me:

 

1) It wasn't me he cheated on and lied to. That means nothing to some people, but its important to me. I can understand why someone would lie if they believed their relationship was broken down and they no longer cared to be honourable in it. No, its not great, of course not. But I can see why people get themselves into those situations, and can sympathise with them and not condemn them. We don't all think the same or hold the same absolutes as dealbreakers, evidently.

 

2) Not love, but lust and infatuation? Possibly. How does that differ from any other beginning-relationship, however? Yeah, the BS can compare the two and say it's not fair to compare apples and oranges, but I think that's not an important consideration for the OP. The single OP is going to be in a lust-infatuation situation with anyone they're starting out with, so it's moot.

 

3) All about being Knights in Shining armour or women wanting to change their men. Hm. Once again that could apply to any relationship at all, I don't think its true of all affairs, nor is it only affairs in which unhealthy ways of relating exist.

 

4) All comes down to hormones and misplaced emotions. Are you speaking from experience here, or where? It's just so dismissive. It's like saying marriages are all based on money, fear and unhealthy inability to change, which would be equally ridiculous. Probably.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I suppose, for me:

 

1) It wasn't me he cheated on and lied to. That means nothing to some people, but its important to me. I can understand why someone would lie if they believed their relationship was broken down and they no longer cared to be honourable in it. No, its not great, of course not. But I can see why people get themselves into those situations, and can sympathise with them and not condemn them. We don't all think the same or hold the same absolutes as dealbreakers, evidently.

 

This is precisely why I think that an R born out of an A is doomed to fail. If the WS cheats, for me it screams lack of maturity, lack of courage and a disrespect to M and the BS.

 

Would you hire a CFO who had been convicted of embezzlement over one has not? One has a proven track record of the traits above, the other , well maybe so, maybe not.

 

The A is excuse and escape - not dealing with the issues at home. Or internally. A character trait I believe simply doesn't go away w/o hard work. So I think most fail.

 

I speak in general terms here, not aimed at you or anyone else frannie.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is precisely why I think that an R born out of an A is doomed to fail. If the WS cheats, for me it screams lack of maturity, lack of courage and a disrespect to M and the BS.

 

Would you hire a CFO who had been convicted of embezzlement over one has not? One has a proven track record of the traits above, the other , well maybe so, maybe not.

 

The A is excuse and escape - not dealing with the issues at home. Or internally. A character trait I believe simply doesn't go away w/o hard work. So I think most fail.

 

I speak in general terms here, not aimed at you or anyone else frannie.

 

Logically what you say makes sense. I think the individual perceptions are different. MW and I worked very hard to maintain open communications and I think because of the dynamics of the affair, we had to deal with whatever was between us if there was a disagreement between us quickly. So after a year we were both very god at talking things through between us.

 

I think because there isn't so much 'history' it was easier for her to deal with our issues than to begin facing the ones at home.

 

Yes it is still something that she needs to work on. And after my convo with her yesterday, I don't think she will be changing that part of herself anytime soon. She doesn't have the courage to face all the things in her life and herself.

 

So to clarify my original answer, yes I would marry her, knowing how and who she is. But also knowing that if any issues were allowed to fester, they may never have been dealt with.

 

~99

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is precisely why I think that an R born out of an A is doomed to fail. If the WS cheats, for me it screams lack of maturity, lack of courage and a disrespect to M and the BS.

 

Would you hire a CFO who had been convicted of embezzlement over one has not? One has a proven track record of the traits above, the other , well maybe so, maybe not.

 

The A is excuse and escape - not dealing with the issues at home. Or internally. A character trait I believe simply doesn't go away w/o hard work. So I think most fail.

 

I speak in general terms here, not aimed at you or anyone else frannie.

 

I don't disagree with this. I said in my first post on this thread that I wouldn't marry anyone who'd cheated in the past and hadn't dealt with why that happened, and taken steps to fix it.

 

The same question could be asked of a BS who chooses to take back a WS - why do it, when they've cheated on you once already? To me, that's actually worse! Because you're the one who's been cheated on. But I read time and again from BSs in that position - it's not so easy to 'just divorce', there's a lot of history, he's remorseful, etc. etc. so I can't say what I'd do in that situation. People who thought they'd automatically throw out a cheater end up reconciling, or attempting to.

 

It's one thing to say what you think you'd do, objectively, quite another to live it :laugh:.

 

Maybe a better question would be: would you marry or get involved with someone who cheated on their ex (but not with you)? Personally, my answer to that would be different! Why get involved with someone so risky? So yeah, I can see where the incredulous comments are coming from, but when you're already involved, its a different kettle of fish.

 

Also, the comparison with embezzlement isn't really fair. Greed and lawbreaking are a lot easier to control than lust/love/emotional needs. We can always select another employee; the heart's not involved, is it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So to clarify my original answer, yes I would marry her, knowing how and who she is. But also knowing that if any issues were allowed to fester, they may never have been dealt with.

~99

 

And precisely why the new R or M has elevated risks of failure - either D or another A. Known character problems left untreated/unfaced are likely to be repeated.

 

Speaking in general terms again. And I'm equally sure that some do in fact work - I say its rare though. And I would bet those that do work, the WS actually worked on him- or herself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't disagree with this. I said in my first post on this thread that I wouldn't marry anyone who'd cheated in the past and hadn't dealt with why that happened, and taken steps to fix it.

 

The same question could be asked of a BS who chooses to take back a WS - why do it, when they've cheated on you once already? To me, that's actually worse! Because you're the one who's been cheated on. But I read time and again from BSs in that position - it's not so easy to 'just divorce', there's a lot of history, he's remorseful, etc. etc. so I can't say what I'd do in that situation. People who thought they'd automatically throw out a cheater end up reconciling, or attempting to.

 

It's one thing to say what you think you'd do, objectively, quite another to live it :laugh:.

 

Sadly that's me. A BS. And yes, something I deal with with everyday. And oh man does it suck. A great question that I still have only partially answered is "Why take her back?" "Why trust her again?" Did I mention that question in all its insidious forms sucks?

 

Maybe a better question would be: would you marry or get involved with someone who cheated on their ex (but not with you)? Personally, my answer to that would be different! Why get involved with someone so risky? So yeah, I can see where the incredulous comments are coming from, but when you're already involved, its a different kettle of fish.

 

I do understand your point. It begs the question, why would one knowingly walk down the romance path with someone already M? An even sticker question is do we get involved with someone separated? Hmmm. Tough one.

 

Also, the comparison with embezzlement isn't really fair. Greed and lawbreaking are a lot easier to control than lust/love/emotional needs. We can always select another employee; the heart's not involved, is it?

 

Well ok, but you know what I meant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It begs the question, why would one knowingly walk down the romance path with someone already M? An even sticker question is do we get involved with someone separated? Hmmm. Tough one.

 

Coincidentally I answered this question in another thread today. For me, as for many other OW who never wanted to be OW, is it doesn't get sold to you like that. And yeah, you can call it naivety, and its the same naivety that I think gets the MP involved in an affair too. It just doesn't LOOK like that till you're in it. You hear 'it just happened'... and a lot of the time that's how it feels.

 

What happened to me was he SAID his M was 'over' and it was a question of getting a divorce. Oh how I laugh now when I look back :laugh:. Not. That's what it is, though. 'I'll just wait while he goes through the process'... then you wake up one morning and realise you're up to your neck in thick brown stuff.

 

No, its not big and its not clever and people can point fingers and criticise all day long (not aimed at you by the way!). But that's how it happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm. How to answer this one.

 

Well I don't think we would be good for each other day to day in any case but yes, his conflict avoidance with his wife, his lying to her by ommission, the not sharing, his "protecting" her by not letting her know when something was more than he could do. I don't think these are resolved issues for him.

 

So as a fling - were he in an open marriage also, he'd have been grand. :love:

 

As a live in, long term committment no.

As a conventional marriage - h$$$ no! :lmao: (I don't think I could thrive in a conventional marriage so I'd make my spouse miserable too)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...