Struggling with taking action

[tyler123]

Ok feel free to read my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168706/

 

so my MW and I have not spoken in 5 weeks. I have started therapy, she changed her phone # and has not made any attempt to communicate with me. She texted me that she wants me out of her life. the last 3 times i have seen her she has started to smile at me and give me caring/loving faces- I am trying hard not read any deeper into making assumptions of what these looks are. I see her In the rooms of AA as my sponsor wants me to face my fears dead on but take action on not getting back into communication with her. She has commented on her desire to use as her husband is still using and they have not talked from thurs to monday.. Last night she came to a meeting that i always goto and she has not been at in along time. We engaged in the looks and she mouthed THANK YOU to me. I can see how easy it would have been to grab her after the meeting and smoke a cig with her, but I was too scared, too smart, too much of been there done that over the past 2yrs. one of 2 things would have happened - I would have been rejected feeling like **** and thrown away the last 5 weeks of NC and trying to get thru this- or i would have kissed and reckindled the A and felt like ****...

 

It was strange and my heart was not 100% into the action but I grabbed a MALE friend after the meeting and said " talk to me because I am in DANGER ZONE" we talked for 15 mins and she was gone.. I wish she had called but she did not- i wish she followed me home; on the other hand I was loving to myself and did the next right thing. I am learning that this is hard ****-- i do love her and i know she loves me - but I need to remember that I can not save her- I need to take care of me.. and that feeling of making it home without ending the NC was a COOL healthy feeling.. I am loving to her and myself more importantly by letting go and respecting her last words to me--"i want you out of mylife" -

I am feeling that she is getting so much of the same advice i am from therapists/sponsors etc of having NC that she will not have the courage to contact me if she decides she needs to talk to me.. I guess after just writing that i can see the answer is acceptance and TO LOVE IS TO LET GO... i feel better already...

[Owl]

This is why you need to do a FULL NC...that means not attending the same functions that she does, such as that mtg last night. Such as taking steps to PREVENT contact from her again. You've got to find a way to make it so that you're not seeing her so much...or you're going to continue to have this same issue for as long as you stay where you're at.

[wildsoul]

Great move to tell a friend you were in the danger zone!

 

Remember, you can work her into your steps.

-The relationship with her made you insane/unwell (and will again.)

-It is possible to recover from the insanity, even if you don't know how.

-You can make a decision to turn this over to a power greater than!

 

Be sure to listen for answers from your HP about what to do and how to handle it.

 

PS: She has her own HP and doesn't need YOU to be her savior.

[Reggie]

Sounds like she is nuts. WTF? Mouthing stuff to you and exchanging weird glances , etc. This is one confused woman. Stay strong and true to yourself. Good work on getting away.

I agree with OWL, really go the extra mile to stay NC. No sense torturing yourself.

[tyler123]

I saw her today and we were in the stairwell at the sametime. I felt strong enough to just give her a hug- and peck on the cheek. I stayed no contact and did not say a thing- I even was gracious enough not to walk in the sametime to the meeting as her- I stayed back and waited.. I will say i do have an emotional hangover which tells me that move of hugging her was not smart for me if this is how I feel. It sucks to say but it is the truth that this is very much like an addiction. For me as a drug/alcohol addict I see the same mental obsession of having a sip but wanted more... Just like giving a simple hug but wanted to run away with her forever...

 

I think the only way this is going to get easier is to avoid any contact with her.. And when i see her just ignore her because my thoughts of being with her are very intense. and i need to remember her words to me 6 weeks ago- " my family is my priority and I want you out of my life" - these friendly loving looks she is giving me are confusing..

 

I need some suggestions how to handle these nonverbal caring looks - without it being painful????? HELP

[Owl]

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It doesn't matter what the "look" is...every time you "run into her"...you're renewing your addiction to the affair.

 

This is only going to end when one or the other of you finally move on to another place where you're no longer attending the same meetings/buildings/etc...

 

I personally suggest that you talk with your immediate supervisor about a transfer to somewhere else in the company so that you're no longer working with her.

 

Anything less than that will just prolong this whole thing indefinitly.

[Reggie]

You are one confused person. No contact = hugging and kissing? Can I get some of what you are smoking? How do you write this stuff with a straight face?

[tyler123]

"You are one confused person. No contact = hugging and kissing? Can I get some of what you are smoking? How do you write this stuff with a straight face? "

 

I guess after reading ur post i rationilzed not talking as NC- but a hug and seeing her at AA meetings (alcoholic anonymous) does not count.. This is a farce-- I do sound nuts saying that.. I can not control when I am going to see her at AA meetings, I just need to not make eye contact/or hugging contact..

[Owl]

"You are one confused person. No contact = hugging and kissing? Can I get some of what you are smoking? How do you write this stuff with a straight face? "

 

I guess after reading ur post i rationilzed not talking as NC- but a hug and seeing her at AA meetings (alcoholic anonymous) does not count.. This is a farce-- I do sound nuts saying that.. I can not control when I am going to see her at AA meetings, I just need to not make eye contact/or hugging contact..

 

No...you still have this wrong.

 

You need to find another place to go for you AA support...or meetings on a different day when she's not there...or she needs to change where she's going.

 

Just being there with her is contact. Just knowing that she's there while you're there is contact.

 

Once your crossed the line with her, that created a major conflict with your AA support avenue here. Its compromised...and so you need to find a new one, or she does.

 

It really is that 'black and white'.

[whichwayisup]

Go to a different AA meeting somewhere else, or start picking different times when she won't be there. NC is NC and you need to do everything possible to AVOID running into her. For your sake.

[tyler123]

what is even more complicated is her sister in law is also in the program-I had to listen to the sister in law talk about how her Brother (the Husband) was drinking and drugging all day on sunday and how my MW told him not to come home.. I am aware that we all need to set our own truths and hit our own bottoms in relationships.. I feel i have hit mine 6 weeks now with dealing with this no verbal communication, but it kills me and makes me a little sad that MW has not hit hers yet.. THis is not my problem but i do care and think about it- as i do love her and her 3 gurls very much...

 

I do believe her life is her life and her choices are her choices but when is enough is enough? Not being in the picture is helpful and i can say today that my life is not as complicated with her running to me only to go back her marriage... I get this... I do feel that the loss of this A/R has allowed me to establish a relationship with myself. But it is not easy and there is a JEckle and hyde aspect to it.. I am finding it more peaceful and serenity praying for god to help them with their situation. MM/MW are going to florida for a week without the kids and on one side I am jealous and hurting but I am also not wishing any harm or for them to have a bad time.. They need a lot of help and i know all i can do for their families sake is stay far away and be respectful to myself and to them by letting them live their life.... WOW that helped to write I think i will print that out and keep that the next time i get squirley

[Owl]

So what's your plan of action for going TRUE no contact?

 

Finding a new AA meeting to attend? Different date/time?

 

You started this thread with the title of "struggling to take action"...so what action are you taking?

[whichwayisup]

There are so many AA meetings in various places and times. For your own sanity, find another location. As Owl has said, be active in making the changes so you won't have to deal with her, see her anymore.

[tyler123]

SINCE THE "A" HAS ENDED SHE HAS ONLY SHOWN UP AT THE 8 AM MEETING ONCE A WEEK.. i AM GETTING VERY COMFORTABLE GOING THERE M-F.. dO YOU ALL THINK I NEED TO GO TO A DIFFERENT MEETING BECAUSE SHE MIGHT SHOW UP ONCE A WEEK. sHE HAS PRETTY MUCH STOPPED ATTENDING THIS MEETING.SHE GOES TO A 12PM MEETING THAT I WILL NEVER GO TO. i VIEW THIS MEETING AS HERS.. UNFORTUNATELY I DO NOT BELIEVE SHE TRULY FEELS THAT WAY ABOUT THE 8 AM. IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF I COULD NOT GO TO THIS MEETING BECAUSE SHE WILL SHOW UP ONCE A WEEK OR ONCE EVERY 2 WEEKS.

 

i AM DEFINITELY STRUGGLING TODAY WITH THE NOTION THAT SHE HAS SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN IF HER HUSBAND DOES NOT CLEAN UP AND GIVE UP DRINKING SHE WILL LEAVE HIM.. SHE HAS GIVEN HIM THE CHOICE SO MANY TIMES OF HER AND THE KIDS OR HIS DRINKING/DRUGGING-- BUT SHE HAS YET TO FOLLOW THRU--- IT SADDENS ME THAT SOMEONE THAT I THOUGHT HAD SOME COURAGE IS SO FEARFUL OF LETTING GO... IT SEEMS SHE HAS NO BOTTOM WITH HER MARRIAGE.. AND 2 DAYS AFTER HE WAS OUT ALL DAY SUNDAY THEY ARE OFF TO MIAMI.... I AM STRUGGLING THINKING OF THEM GOING AWAY TOGETHER... IT JUST SEEMS SO SICK AND TWISTED.. JUST BEING HONEST WITH MY THOUGHTS...

AS FOR MY ACTION DO U REALLY THINK I NEED TO COMPLETELY CHANGE MY MEETING BECAUSE OF THE CHANCE SHE DOES COME???

[Owl]

Go back and reread your own last post.

 

The first paragraph asks why you should change your meeting schedule since she only shows up once a week.

 

Your second paragraph starts out with you thinking back on the things she said during the affair...and that line of thought was TRIGGERED by her presence at these meetings.

 

It kind of answers the question in the first paragraph if you ask me.

 

Yes, you change the meeting times/places if she's showing up to them, even occasionally. And you do so because you know that this is the only way that you get over your addiction to her. And you know this already...because you can look back at your posts, look back and see that the times you've been struggling through all of this are DUE TO HER ATTENDING THE SAME MEETINGS AS YOU.

 

Does this seem unfair? Yes...it is. That doesn't change a darned thing...these are all consequences of having an affair in the first place. Its all part of the "price you pay to play".

 

Its up to you at this point. Either end the affair, or don't. As long as she's showing up at these meetings...you're maintaining an emotional connection and its still ongoing. (note the "hug" the last time you saw her).