making the transition from "affair" to real relationship

[mytruelove]

how do you do it? i am looking for advice on this now that my guy is newly single.

 

i can see where it is going to be a hard transition and am not sure how to handle it. i don't know that either of us are comfortable in this new ground yet and i'm scared and afraid that we won't be able to move into this new type of relationship.

 

i don't want to let him go because i love him, but i don't want to push either. i'm afraid that i might lose him either way (by doing or reacting too much or too little).

 

things like now it should be to call his cell phone, leave a message (never done this), text, etc.

 

we could hang out at his house when he doesn't have the kids.

 

the free weekends without the kids.

 

all the time we could have together now in the evenings.

 

i feel frozen on how to proceed from here.

 

do i just proceed the way things have been and not bring up any of the above - let him take the lead on this? or do i bring it up?

 

any advice - please help! thanks

[norajane]

Ideally, if he wants to move forward with you, he will begin seeing you in the evenings and on weekends without you having to ask him to. He may need some time to adjust to his new life as a single guy, and the end of his marriage, but he shouldn't be shutting you out completely, and he should be gradually moving toward a closer, open relationship with you.

 

Are you saying he's told you (while married) to never call his cell number, leave message or text? Do you even have his cell number? Perhaps you should ask for the number, and then do what normal people do, just leave messages or text as you feel like it.

 

What I'm saying is, most of this should come from him - he should be encouraging more contact and a closer, freer relationship. If you see that he isn't offering that, then you probably need to discuss with him what his expectations and intentions are regarding the two of you.

[jwi71]

Valid questions.

Valid concerns.

Valid feelings and fears.

 

Why are you asking us and not him? Talk to him...

[whichwayisup]

Is he officially divorced, or has he just moved out?

 

Take it slow. Date him and build the relationship - Don't expect to be with him every single minute he has free time - Don't make your life revolve around him. Don't lose yourself.

 

He's newly free and single, then allow him time to adjust without pressure from you, lots of expectations of how things should be - Let it happen naturally.

[mytruelove]

he wasn't married. he had a live in EX-girlfriend.

he gave me his cell # a while ago, said i could use it during working hours. i've just never been brave enough to use it -lol. always used work phone.

 

"He may need some time to adjust to his new life as a single guy, and the end of his marriage, but he shouldn't be shutting you out completely, and he should be gradually moving toward a closer, open relationship with you."

 

i'm hoping this is what is happening. he is adjusting now and has told me that he has a lot going on and doesn't want to complicate things. i understand this...for a while. i'm think i'm going to have to put a time limit on this though.

 

i know he has been more receptive in taking my phone calls than he was for a while and seems to be working through it.

 

i've been hesitate to really talk to him a lot about how i am feeling because i don't want to put extra pressure on him.

 

is it the right approach to not ask too many questions and let him go through this on his own? i'm searching for the fine line between being a friend during this time (which all advice i have seen is to NOT be their friend during this time) and not being supportive enough or "there" enough.

[norajane]

he wasn't married. he had a live in EX-girlfriend.

 

he is adjusting now and has told me that he has a lot going on and doesn't want to complicate things.

 

is it the right approach to not ask too many questions and let him go through this on his own? i'm searching for the fine line between being a friend during this time (which all advice i have seen is to NOT be their friend during this time) and not being supportive enough or "there" enough.

 

What "things" does he not want to complicate? It's a serious question. Has he expressed what his concerns are? What does he think might get complicated, or what does he consider a complication? You? Does he think you are a complication of some kind?

 

No, don't be his therapist, his shoulder to cry on, his crutch. Be his DATE, the woman he wants to go out with and enjoy having a relationship with. If he had just started seeing you, he wouldn't be dumping all his post-break-up issues on you - he'd be all charming and flirty and trying to win you over and get into your pants. So don't let him treat you like anyone other than his gf. Be sympathetic, but don't let his past relationship take over your present.

 

In any case, does it seem like he's looking for you to be "there" more as his therapist/friend? He isn't asking for that, is he? He doesn't dwell on his break-up when he's with you, does he? Does he treat you like his lover, his date?

 

Give him some room and and give it some time to see how he treats you. If you aren't comfortable with it, then talk to him.

[Holding-On]

Since you asked I think you need to step back and let him make the next move.

 

You will find out if you were just a stepping stone or if he is truly into you.

If he's crazy about you he will call you.

If you were the rebound girl, he won't.

 

Go on making your life and you fascinating and fun. He will either come and join in your wonderful life or you will end up with someone more decisively into you.

[Angel1111]

Let him figure it out and let him take the lead. Men do not like to be told how to do things. It says you question his judgement and his ability to make decisions. I don't know of any man who doesn't know how to proceed in order to be with the woman he wants to be with.

[wildsoul]

I don't know of any man who doesn't know how to proceed in order to be with the woman he wants to be with.

Agreed. Especially when the guy already knows you will say yes.

 

I understand you're worried about missing his window of opportunity, but I think your over-eagerness might backfire in the long run.

 

What kind of relationship do you want? Is romance and dating important to you? Do you enjoy feeling womanly and being swept off your feet? Because if you do, the absolute worst thing you can do right now is chase this guy. By walking into his life right now as supportive friend and instant-girlfriend, you and he may never have all the romance and fun that a new relationship deserves. And honey, if you don't have that in the very beginning--you'll never have that with him.

 

I have a friend who's been doggedly persuing a relationship with a guy for over 2 years now. (This isn't an A; they're both single.) She's always trying to help, heal, and nurture him. Most of the time after sex, she has to go home alone, because he likes his space. He has gone out with her on ONE date. One. And she took him out that nite, because it was his birthday. It's so sad that my friend, who is a romantic at heart, has never had any romance in her R with him. She's "in love" but they skipped all the fun stuff. I don't think he will ever marry her. They are stuck in the FWB thing that he wants, and he's not motivated to want more from her.

 

My suggestion is that if you want to have a big-time R with this guy, you need to back off and let him pursue you. Give him some space to get in touch with his desire. If you fill in all the gaps in the short term, I think you could really be losing out in the long term.

[mytruelove]

i think this thread is just packed with great thoughts and advice.

 

this was his first weekend with the house to himself - no kids or anything - to get some things settled there. he was looking forward to it and i'm proud to say i let him have it and didn't bother him one bit

 

it is a fair question about my "complicating" things. he said that he is getting it on all ends from the now three ex's and he can't handle any more. he will crack. i can understand that things are disrupted now. i mean, he had a little "family" set up with the kids. i know it has to be harder than i can imagine to have that taken away and i'm sure the ex's aren't thrilled...even though it is for the best in the long run.

 

"be his date" - that's a great idea. just continue being the sweet loving person i am. i think it is best if we don't talk about relationships at all right now and just "be" without the pressure, except, of course, when the time is right, for me to address my disapproval of the way he is treating me during the process. i know i need to do this.

 

i think i just have to calm down and take it all in stride. i'm soo scared of losing him, but, he did break up with her and that does say a lot. i don't think he would have if he really didn't want to be with me.

 

even though some things he is saying right now hurt. i think i have to just take it all with a grain of salt. i have to remember he is hurting and it does take time to get over a break up.

[mytruelove]

i'm happy to report that my guy seems to be recovering and handling things even much better than i thought he would.

 

she officially moved out this weekend and he took the time to clean house and start to get things settled for him and his kids.

 

i realized much thanks to another post on this board right now and some supportive friends that i was being a little selfish and inconsiderate also out of fear, not realizing the crisis he is going through right now and what a really tough thing he is doing. not seeing that even though he is going through this, he is still taking the time to try and protect me, explain himself to me, and giving me what he is able at the moment, and be considerate.

 

i'm taking the approach right now to just be my sweet, sexy, flirty, supportive, loving self. i think it is best to not even address the topic of relationship right now and just be "us" while making very slow forward progress, texts and phone calls at night to start -lol:) he seems to be responding well to this.

 

he even flirted back some today and got some of his sense of humor back, more like his old self.

 

so, slow but sure.

[Mino]

i'm happy to report that my guy seems to be recovering and handling things even much better than i thought he would.

 

she officially moved out this weekend and he took the time to clean house and start to get things settled for him and his kids.

 

i realized much thanks to another post on this board right now and some supportive friends that i was being a little selfish and inconsiderate also out of fear, not realizing the crisis he is going through right now and what a really tough thing he is doing. not seeing that even though he is going through this, he is still taking the time to try and protect me, explain himself to me, and giving me what he is able at the moment, and be considerate.

 

i'm taking the approach right now to just be my sweet, sexy, flirty, supportive, loving self. i think it is best to not even address the topic of relationship right now and just be "us" while making very slow forward progress, texts and phone calls at night to start -lol:) he seems to be responding well to this.

 

he even flirted back some today and got some of his sense of humor back, more like his old self.

 

so, slow but sure.

Now brace yourself... The first 3 weeks were great for us too. then he hit the depression and guilt mode...so far 3 months of that... I am taking one day at a time, but its hard, I will not lie, harder then when he was at home...Good luck sweetie

[wildsoul]

Great progress for everyone!!!!

[mytruelove]

"great progress for everyone"...we're all learning soo much from each other aren't we? i'm so glad i found this place.

 

i will brace myself because i know it is not going to be all roses...believe me, but...

 

i'm really encouraged by the pride he seems to be taking in making a better life for himself and his kids. i'm gathering strength from that. him doing all this on his own (and wanting to) is awesome. he seems to be taking on the challenge of raising his kids on his own full force. i think this is so important for him.

 

he told me today that he thinks he can do it. i told him i know he can

 

hopefully, eventually, i'll fit in there too.