At a crossroad

[TooConfused2]

Hi - new poster, but been lurking for a couple of months.

 

Part of this is just to have an outlet and part is to get advice from those who've been there. My story is not new. In fact, its probably textbook and will receive canned answers.

 

Became involved emotionally with a married friend at work (of course, right?). At first it was simple, harmless, platonic. We'd been close friends for more than a year and never really intended on anything else, but the tension became harder and harder to ignore, until we both finally acknowledged it. Over the next few weeks, we did "the dance" - one step forward, two steps back, two forward, one back. Over the next few months, we became closer and closer (never physical) while the marriage seemed to languish further (it was already rocky before these "feelings" became involved). At one point, married friend was openly discussing divorce, planning finances, looking for places to live, etc. Then for some reason, backed away from it. Used a list of reasons - kids (2 of them), feelings of failure, uncertainty, and guilt mostly.

 

The married friend stated that time is needed to determine whether divorce is the right step. I guess I thought all of the previous discussion and financial planning, etc. was evidence that it was strongly being considered.

 

Anyway, it was decided that (for a while) more effort would be put into the marriage. Fine. Except that we work together - every day. And we were friends before this. Now, there's a delicate balancing act of being a friend, being a co-worker and crossing the line back into the feelings we both have. The married friend continues "the dance" of one step forward, two back, etc. during this, which makes my life interesting to say the least. Imagine being told that you can't continue in that fashion, but then the other person periodically sends signals and interacts in "that" way. Even though we're not currently going down the path to a full-blown A, the strong attraction and feelings are still there - I can see it and feel it. I'm so confused!

 

The question is - what to do? Obviously, the choices are:

 

1) Back away, cut off, run for the hills and lose the friendship and possibility of more if the divorce does happen.

2) Hang in there with hopefulness that it does happen, and soon. But, with the understanding that it may never happen and eventually end painfully anyway.

3) Is there another choice?

 

Let me add that I tried to get as close to NC as I could early on (work matters only) and it was painful - and not because the office was tense either. I've never experienced withdrawal like that. It almost physically hurt to cut off a friend and someone you've grown to truly, deeply care for. The relationship has a sexual element to it (extremely high tension), but was never physical, so it grew out of admiration and enjoying our time together. I guess we developed lots of good feelings about being around each other and it grew into more.

 

A big part of me wants to see how this all plays out, because there's so much to gain (we really are great together - not just in work stuff). But another part of me (the part that reads this forum) sees how things like this have ended for so many others and wonders, should I get out before I get hurt more? I think the term "rollercoaster" always seems to capture it perfectly. I don't want to, but recognize that it may be necessary. Its really too bad, because I think the divorce will happen, eventually - just maybe not before I have to move on.

[Holding-On]

Let me add that I tried to get as close to NC as I could early on (work matters only) and it was painful - and not because the office was tense either. I've never experienced withdrawal like that. It almost physically hurt to cut off a friend and someone you've grown to truly, deeply care for. The relationship has a sexual element to it (extremely high tension), but was never physical, so it grew out of admiration and enjoying our time together. I guess we developed lots of good feelings about being around each other and it grew into more.

 

 

wow. I could have quoted your entire post so much of it I can relate to but this part was so true.

I'm new at the ending part myself so I have no advice unfortunately.

I'm feeling terrible myself.

 

I'm guessing you've been reading the withdrawal threads so that should help?

hopefully someone will come on and respond to your thread with more positive news. There is a lot of advice thrown around on here about not hurting the BS but not a lot about how not to hurt the WS (I guess they deserve it??). Sigh.

[Owl]

Once you've confessed those feelings, there is no "going back" to the way things were before that point.

 

As you've found...

 

She's chosen to work on her marriage.

 

The outcome of that decision means that she HAS to give up on any relationship with YOU.

 

You can't go back to being "just friends"...those feelings are still there, and still strong. She's drawn the line that it can't be MORE...so what's left is...NOTHING.

 

If you want to support your friend...then you need to find a way to get completely out of this situation, so that NC really CAN happen.

 

Yes, it'll hurt...a LOT.

 

But...you'll be doing it for two people...yourself, AND for her.

 

Because if you don't do this, you'll be sabotaging what she wants...reconciliation with her husband.

 

Do you have any friends or family that know about this situation, or that you can at least discuss this with to help you deal with all of this?

 

Can you change things at work so that you're no longer in contact with her?

 

There are things you can do to help you deal with the withdrawl...and we can talk about that once you get closer to actually needing that kind of support.

 

First step...get thee back into NC with her, ASAP.

[taylor]

I, too, could have written your post. In fact you described my relationship with my OM and our circumstances better than I did when I first started posting on this forum. My first post was called, "Ready to Cross the Line."

 

I can only give you the Married person's perspective, as I have been there:

 

Your married person, FOR NOW, has decided to return to the marriage. That is why all discussion of divorce has ceased and reasons were given for returning to the marriage.

 

This does not mean your married person's marriage is suddenly all better..back on solid ground..happy. It means your married person has decided to try to reconcile the marriage, rather than divorce.

 

Your married person is going to have a tough time reconciling the marriage if you are still in the picture. Your married person has feelings for you and those feelings will continue as long as you are around. That is why your married person is still doing the dance with you...sending you "those" signals and then pulling back.

 

Is your married person in counseling? Has your married person admitted to the spouse any feelings for you? There's no way for the marriage to get back on track unless this happens.

 

So here you are in the middle of a couple's troubled marriage. What to do?

 

First, don't cross the line into a sexual relationship with your married person. That was the best piece of advice this forum gave me when I was at the crossroads you are at now. It was also THE LAST piece of advice I wanted to hear at the time.

 

If you enter into a sexual relationship, you will become MORE emotionally attached and it will become even that much harder to LET GO. You will get hurt 100X more than you are now.

 

Tell your married person that you need to distance yourself because you have such strong feelings AND because you respect your married person and their marriage enough to step aside and give them a chance to reconcile. Tell your married person to respect your desire for distance. No more "signals."

 

It's selfish of your married person to lead you on with signals while attempting to reconcile the marriage. If your married person cares about you, he/she will leave you alone.

 

I know it is hard to distance yourself from someone you love and care about, but it is the right thing to do in this case, for all concerned. Withdrawal is hell. I've been there. Was on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication for 2 months to cope. But the pain of holding on to someone who doesn't belong to you and who may never belong to you is far worse.

 

If your married person ever does divorce (warning: it can take years for a marriage to hit rock bottom), I am sure he/she will find a way to contact you even if you go NC and run for the hills.

 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.

[TooConfused2]

If you want to support your friend...then you need to find a way to get completely out of this situation, so that NC really CAN happen.

 

.....Do you have any friends or family that know about this situation, or that you can at least discuss this with to help you deal with all of this?

 

Can you change things at work so that you're no longer in contact with her?

 

.......First step...get thee back into NC with her, ASAP.

 

Never said it was a "she", but I'll play along to protect the innocent..

 

Can't change the work situation - economy's not strong enough right now and the job is a bit specialized.

 

I have a couple of close friends that know just about everything. Enough to be supportive and understanding.

 

The sad thing is, I "know" that reconciliation is not the ultimate goal. In fact, that term was never used in the conversation. Actually, I think its more to get the spouse to make the first move to divorce - looking for a definitive way out, a sign. When it was suggested that time was needed to make sure divorce was the right step, I don't think the intent was for me to disappear. And, it caused a rather interesting "argument" between us a couple of days later when I tried. That's why I said, I'm fearful that the divorce will happen, but too late.

 

You are right about not going back to being friends. I tried that for a short period, too - it doesn't work, for either side. Every time I'd pull away, back off to a "friendly" role, the chase begins.

 

NC would suck, but I often wonder if it would speed up the decision process too. Is that wrong?

 

Does anyone else think they'd be a better fit for their married friend? Anyone else been caught in a situation where you "knew" (felt) the divorce was coming soon? Am I being naive?

 

One thing that hasn't changed - future speculation. There have been comments like, "when we do xxx thing" or "my mom/dad/kids will love you..." or something of the like. It can be absolutely confusing.

[Heather1]

I had this happen 10 yrs into my marriage & we are now good friends. The BIGGEST mistake I made was telling him how I felt about him & that I had to back off. I should have just backed off & realized that truly, people can't read minds. He was shocked when I told him & worked it for quite some time after so that I didn't know up from down with him. I've known him now for 10 years, and just last year he got divorced. I was glad to talk him through it, etc. & be his friend. We never did have an affair....I had a weird chemistry with him & he is now a complete alcoholic sitting on a barstool with his new bartender girlfriend. Makes me wonder what his wife was really going through with him when I made her out to be a huge B.

 

That sounds like I transitioned easily into a friendship, but there was quite a bit of obsessive torture that went along with it for YEARS. What helped was just taking a break & I started running, etc. to get my mind off of it. I also told my parents & my H everything so I had some help. I can't tell if this is a man or a woman, but I found that women realize the affair is going to start & try to analyze it WAY before it happens. I noticed men don't realize they're in trouble until the physical contact. The only thing I can think of is (in my case) I've only really been attracted to a few men in my life. Men are not the same in that.

 

Show him interest, tell him you're attracted to him & you'll light a bomb. The bad marriage deal is probably bogus or he might actually be the cause?

[greengoddess]

tooconfused I'm confused. Has your relationship turned physical or has he always backed off before it went that far?

[TooConfused2]

tooconfused I'm confused. Has your relationship turned physical or has he always backed off before it went that far?

 

Never said it was a "he", but I'll play along to protect the innocent..

 

It has not been physical ... But it has been close. very close... Yes, there's been touching, not so much "intimate" touching as hands, arms, shoulders, maybe an occasional touch of hair or face, but that's been rare. We decided that it cannot go further than a certain point which, to be honest, is probably already too far. It has been highly emotional - to the point that the tension is pretty intense/unbearable. But, we are both "responsible", in that violating the physical rule, until the relationship is different, is unacceptable. I think the relationship is very strong and could result in something wonderful for both of us, as long as we follow the rules we've established.

[whichwayisup]

He/she? An alien? Just being funny here..

 

Problem is, even if the lines and boundries are set in place, can you handle it? Being around someone you want, you love and can't have isn't easy. I know you've read in this section..

 

Is it possible to transfer departments? Or change shifts, if that is an option depending on the type of work you do?

[TooConfused2]

He/she? An alien? Just being funny here..

 

Problem is, even if the lines and boundries are set in place, can you handle it? Being around someone you want, you love and can't have isn't easy. I know you've read in this section..

 

Is it possible to transfer departments? Or change shifts, if that is an option depending on the type of work you do?

 

You caught me. It is an alien. Actually, you all know him. Its Alf. He's so sweet, but his breath smells like cats and chinese food.

 

I know my posts are ambiguous, but I am new to the internet forum and do not want to provide too many details, if at all possible. The subject is touchy enough.

 

Seriously, no on the job change. At least, not until the economy changes.

 

Can we handle it? We are both trying. It has been months now, and it has been tough at times. It is best and worst when the tension is high. While it is intoxicating, it is also excruciating not being able to act on our impulses. Who knows, maybe the self-control now will result in a lifetime of intensity between us down the road. :bunny:

[norajane]

1) Back away, cut off, run for the hills and lose the friendship and possibility of more if the divorce does happen.

 

That's why I said, I'm fearful that the divorce will happen, but too late.

What's confusing is why you think it would be "too late"? Too late how? Too late for what?

It's ONLY IF he actually gets divorced that you can ever really BE with him.

 

Are you afraid if you don't continue this dance, don't continue to hang around flirting, that he'll lose interest in you? And after he gets his divorce, that he'll forget that you ever existed and go off with someone else? Unless you have sex with him now?

 

This is faulty logic.

 

One relationship at a time. If he and his wife actually split, ONLY THEN will he ever really have a heart to give you. Until then, it's just a dance. And if you keep hanging around, yeah, you're going to get in too deep and then he'll be cheating and you'll be spending your holidays alone while you're waiting for him to...how did you put it...?

 

Oh yes:

The sad thing is, I "know" that reconciliation is not the ultimate goal. In fact, that term was never used in the conversation. Actually, I think its more to get the spouse to make the first move to divorce - looking for a definitive way out, a sign.

He'll be a cheater and you'll be the OW waiting for HIS WIFE TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE TO DIVORCE.

 

Do you really want to hang around, basing your future happiness on what his wife may or may not do? You want HER to be holding your future in her hands? You want to be holding on to hope that maybe this week, this month, this year SHE will make a choice that your entire life (both love and work) depends upon?

 

When it was suggested that time was needed to make sure divorce was the right step, I don't think the intent was for me to disappear.

Of course. Why would he want you to disappear? You're giving him a huge ego boost and a lot of sexual flirtation that makes him feel sooooooo good every single day. And then he goes home to his wife every single night.

[frannie]

Hello TC

 

Similar kind of thing happened to me when I met MM. At first he was all gung-ho and chasing me and telling me that his 'marriage was over' and talking about a future, etc. At the time I was suggesting he work on the marriage, but we were becoming very close and emotionally attached at the same time. Then, for no obvious reason, he suddenly said he couldn't go through with it, got really cold feet and backed off. That was about 3 months into knowing him, and it wasn't physical at that time with us, either.

 

I think what people getting involved with a married person who is complaining about their marriage and talking divorce don't realise is the sheer amount of 'space' between that feeling and actually getting the divorce. There is simply acres between 'my marriage is over' and the big D. And it's that space in which the affair, uncomfortably, and unwantedly, exists.

 

That is how I got into it. A man who was saying it was all over bar the shouting realised he couldn't pull the trigger (doesn't really matter what the reason), and the OW ends up wallowing around in those acres wondering what will make him jump? By far the largest number of OW I know didn't intend on an affair, they intended on waiting while he got the divorce. Har har.

 

The question is - what to do? Obviously, the choices are:

 

1) Back away, cut off, run for the hills and lose the friendship and possibility of more if the divorce does happen.

2) Hang in there with hopefulness that it does happen, and soon. But, with the understanding that it may never happen and eventually end painfully anyway.

3) Is there another choice?

 

I think you're framing the questions wrongly (jmho). They look more like this:

 

1) Back off and let him sort his head out, and stay sane yourself. Tell him no more dreaming-of-the-future conversations, for the sake of your well-being. Tell him you value yourself more than that and don't see him as the kind of man who would lead a woman on. You're framing this as losing out on a potential future, but that's not the case at all. IF he gets a divorce you can still have a future with him, right? Tell him you don't want to go down this route:

 

2) Have an affair. That's bluntly what 'hang in there with hopefullness' IS. It's seeing him, crossing lines, drawing back, hoping, listening to his half-baked 'plans', driving yourself crazy and ensuring he has no real reason to leave... for years on end. BTDT as have most of the never-wanted-to-be-an-OW OW on this board.

 

3) No, there isn't a 3. Is there..?

[TooConfused2]

What's confusing is why you think it would be "too late"? Too late how? Too late for what?

 

Too late as in, I've moved on, started something new and then the divorce happens...

 

Are you afraid if you don't continue this dance, don't continue to hang around flirting, that he'll lose interest in you? And after he gets his divorce, that he'll forget that you ever existed and go off with someone else? Unless you have sex with him now?

 

No, not at all... I don't think the interest is going to subside. Truly. In fact, its been agreed that sex, kissing, etc. will not happen until the situation changes. At worst, this has been a very strong, deep, EA between two people who have been good friends for some time. At best, its two people who have finally found something special in each other that they didn't know existed anywhere, including their previous relationships.

 

Do you really want to hang around, basing your future happiness on what his wife may or may not do? You want HER to be holding your future in her hands? You want to be holding on to hope that maybe this week, this month, this year SHE will make a choice that your entire life (both love and work) depends upon?

 

This is a unique perspective on the situation that I hadn't considered before. There's definitely merit in contemplating that idea.

 

Maybe its just me, but I don't think every situation is as black and white as he/she is a cheater and that's all they'll ever be. I don't know what's going to happen at this point, but I hope that one day, I'll be able to come here, post the rest of the details of my story and provide the ending that I believe is coming. I could be wrong... and if I am, I'll concede it when it happens.

[TooConfused2]

Hello TC

I think you're framing the questions wrongly (jmho). They look more like this:

 

1) Back off and let him sort his head out, and stay sane yourself. Tell him no more dreaming-of-the-future conversations, for the sake of your well-being. Tell him you value yourself more than that and don't see him as the kind of man who would lead a woman on. You're framing this as losing out on a potential future, but that's not the case at all. IF he gets a divorce you can still have a future with him, right? Tell him you don't want to go down this route:

 

2) Have an affair. That's bluntly what 'hang in there with hopefullness' IS. It's seeing him, crossing lines, drawing back, hoping, listening to his half-baked 'plans', driving yourself crazy and ensuring he has no real reason to leave... for years on end. BTDT as have most of the never-wanted-to-be-an-OW OW on this board.

 

3) No, there isn't a 3. Is there..?

 

What I meant by my original post was that I could hang around, intent on being there when things change, or I can move on with my life (as difficult as that would be). The concern I had was around moving on to someone else, then the D happening anyway (meaning we still couldn't proceed).

[frannie]

What I meant by my original post was that I could hang around, intent on being there when things change, or I can move on with my life (as difficult as that would be). The concern I had was around moving on to someone else, then the D happening anyway (meaning we still couldn't proceed).

 

And my point is, what does that mean in actual fact? If you're 'hanging around waiting', what is that? Committing to him in some way? Seeing him, talking of the future? As opposed to what... dating others? In what way would continuing to live your life mean that you couldn't be together with him one day anyway?

 

You have it like if you don't 'wait' then you are effectively saying 'no' to anything in the future. I'm saying it doesn't have to be that way at all. In fact, all you would be doing would be buying into a lot of doubt and uncertainty and negativity. I take it you're following the various threads by women doing exactly that currently (the Holiday threads, the 'is he giving the W the impression it's a trial separation?' threads), etc.

 

At the moment you can maintain some distance from his potential divorce (if there even is such a thing in the offing), and maintain your life without having to 'take a break' from him, second-guess him and yourself, and all the madness that ensues with involvement with his inaction. Because you're not in it up to your neck now.

 

It's OK though... I've been there, so I know how it feels. Just trying to throw you a lifeline...

[wildsoul]

The concern I had was around moving on to someone else, then the D happening anyway (meaning we still couldn't proceed).

The thing that jumps out at me is how you have an operating belief that the "someone else," will seem like the consolation prize should your MM become available.

 

Honey, I guess it's possible that if you never detach from MM that you might not choose to let someone replace him. However, the more likely scenario is that your NEW love will be at a higher level, leaving you shaking your head and wondering why you were so hung up on old what's his name.

 

One thing I learned many years ago (and especially use right now) has to do with the fear of letting go. Try it on for size. It's a can't-lose belief:

 

I can have the kind of relationship I want, and am willing to let go of my attachment to that person having to be (insert name here.) All that matters to me is that I'm with the right partner.

 

Instead of feeling like all your future hopes and dreams will be lost if you let go of your current partner, it helps you to remember that those are YOUR dreams and your right to have the love you deserve. Sometimes I find that a current partner will start showing up at a higher level, other times they will fall away a bit, but you won't feel like you're falling apart. You can't lose.

[norajane]

The thing that jumps out at me is how you have an operating belief that the "someone else," will seem like the consolation prize should your MM become available.

 

Honey, I guess it's possible that if you never detach from MM that you might not choose to let someone replace him. However, the more likely scenario is that your NEW love will be at a higher level, leaving you shaking your head and wondering why you were so hung up on old what's his name.

 

Exactly! If you meet someone who you want to move on with, don't you think he'll be even more compelling than this guy?

 

The intensity you feel now may not be the same with the new person. However, THIS intensity developed over months of knowing MM, months of the dance and the flirt, all while knowing you can't have him. How often do you spend a year getting to know a guy, flirting and teasing and building that desire? My endless love, my forbidden love...?

 

However, that new love will be more compelling and rich and satisfying because you will actually HAVE it and be able to enjoy it, instead of just wanting it and pining for it and waiting for it to maybe one day be yours if it divorces someone else first.

[jj33]

This concept of waiting is false. Time moves on nanosecond by nanosecond. THe question is what are you going to do with that time. Are you going to let your life pass you by (even if its just a few weeks or months) while you wait to see what he does or are you going to be a full participant in your life in the meantime.

 

The choice to wait is really a choice to put off the pain of accepting that he is not available and has decided to work on his marriage. And do you really want to "bet" on someone's attempts at reconciliatoin not working? That cant be good karma.

 

Yes there is an attraction and yes he is doing the dance but you do yourself a great disservice by participating. Your best bet is to tell him that if he has decided to work on his marriage that is what he needs to do and that you need to keep a distance and move on with your life too.

 

You are not a consolation prize to be considered if and when he decides his marriage is over. You have your own life to live why should your life be hostage to his decisions?

[wildsoul]

However, that new love will be more compelling and rich and satisfying because you will actually HAVE it and be able to enjoy it, instead of just wanting it and pining for it and waiting for it to maybe one day be yours if it divorces someone else first.

You're so right about the extended romantic phase. In a new R, that good tension of "do they like me," and so forth creates sexual tension and fullfillment. But then when the R begins to be secure, it loses some of the excitement. If both people were available, the time of tension ends sooner than with these "waiting for them to be free," R's.

 

Someone once said to me, "A lot of people associate the feeling of longing for love." The romantic tension phase feels so good because it makes us awake and alive.

[TooConfused2]

This concept of waiting is false. Time moves on nanosecond by nanosecond. THe question is what are you going to do with that time. Are you going to let your life pass you by (even if its just a few weeks or months) while you wait to see what he does or are you going to be a full participant in your life in the meantime.

 

I wasn't really looking when all of this occurred. I don't think that life is passing me by right now - I still have a lot going on. I still feel like I have choices and am in control of them.

 

The choice to wait is really a choice to put off the pain of accepting that he is not available and has decided to work on his marriage. And do you really want to "bet" on someone's attempts at reconciliatoin not working? That cant be good karma.

 

I'm not betting on anything. The word "reconciliation" was never used and I don't know if it is a karma issue at all. Is it bad karma to see a situation for what it is and decide to wait it out for a little bit to see what happens? Its one thing if the marriage were actively being sabotaged. Its another to realize that two people have strong emotions and a connection with one another, but never "act" on them until the marriage is actually over.

 

You are not a consolation prize to be considered if and when he decides his marriage is over. You have your own life to live why should your life be hostage to his decisions?

 

I don't think my life is being held hostage. I will concede that the situation is difficult at the moment, but I don't see it as being a consolation prize either. Maybe my attitude will change if the situation remains the same for a while.

 

Has anyone else been in a position where "waiting it out" for a little while seemed to be a reasonable option? How did it end up?

 

Does it seem crazy to think that maybe I am supposed to be patient and wait a little bit before making a long-term decision?

[jj33]

You misunderstood my intent. Waiting it out never does any good. If you look at any of the success stories on here they didnt get where they are because they waited it out. Its because they let the person do what they needed to do and then they got back together.

 

Why would you EVER put your life on hold for someone else? The mere fact that you say you are waiting means your heart is not open to someone else and you are allowing yourself to be an option. You just dont see it. I didnt see it when I was in your situation either.

[frannie]

Has anyone else been in a position where "waiting it out" for a little while seemed to be a reasonable option? How did it end up?

 

Does it seem crazy to think that maybe I am supposed to be patient and wait a little bit before making a long-term decision?

 

Errr yes. I 'waited it out' for four years . It ended up with my having to end it anyway. Not everyone's situation ends the same, however. And it's up to each of us to decide what we want to do. I wouldn't go back and do it differently now, truth be told. Which is why I understand completely where you're coming from.

[TooConfused2]

You misunderstood my intent. Waiting it out never does any good. If you look at any of the success stories on here they didnt get where they are because they waited it out. Its because they let the person do what they needed to do and then they got back together.

 

Why would you EVER put your life on hold for someone else? The mere fact that you say you are waiting means your heart is not open to someone else and you are allowing yourself to be an option. You just dont see it. I didnt see it when I was in your situation either.

 

I get it. And you're right. I'm not really open to anyone else right now. And I have not really looked at the situation as "being an option". I guess that's what it is.

 

It is funny (and I don't mean comical). The discussion about D has started again since the original post. Things are not getting better there, but we have not been too close recently either.

[TooConfused2]

Errr yes. I 'waited it out' for four years . It ended up with my having to end it anyway. Not everyone's situation ends the same, however. And it's up to each of us to decide what we want to do. I wouldn't go back and do it differently now, truth be told. Which is why I understand completely where you're coming from.

 

Thanks frannie. Waiting it out for 4 years would take commitment. I made a deal with myself that I'd wait no more than 6 months, if that's what I decided to do. I'm willing to accept that ending a marriage takes time and one needs to be absolutely sure that its the right thing to do (not just for love).

 

As insane as I can imagine the situation sounds from the outside, I think we're both well-adjusted and fairly normal people. Neither of us has a history of affairs.

[TooConfused2]

You misunderstood my intent. Waiting it out never does any good. If you look at any of the success stories on here they didnt get where they are because they waited it out. Its because they let the person do what they needed to do and then they got back together.

 

Why would you EVER put your life on hold for someone else? The mere fact that you say you are waiting means your heart is not open to someone else and you are allowing yourself to be an option. You just dont see it. I didnt see it when I was in your situation either.

 

One question (and please don't take this as a personal attack, because I don't mean it that way). Would your opinion/advice be different if your relationship had worked out?