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I'm the OM & have come here for clarification/perspective


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I've experienced a whirlwind of romance, passion, extreme happiness and perpetual sadness the past 14 months of my life and it's obvious to say I've finally hit rock bottom.

 

Where do I start? Well, I'm in my late 20's and became the OM in a rollercoaster relationship. I'm embarrassed to admit I fell in love with a MW in April of 2007 and ever since my life has been turned upside down to say the least.

 

The relationship began with simple flirting at a local bar,as we would run into one another every couple weeks, and soon enough the flirting evolved into much more. In only two months, the MW with two children had moved out of her house to be with me. This wasn't the first time she had moved out. The husband had cheated on her with 20-30 different women and she finally had enough. Two years prior, she decided to separate from her alcoholic, unfaithful husband of 10 years and after a few months they reconciled.

 

I have never had a connection with a person like I had with this amazing human being. It was as if I had met my soulmate, we could talk for hours about anything, make passionate crazy love all night, and enjoyed one another's company every passing minute we were together. No one has ever made me feel so alive as this person did. I knew I was a pretty romantic guy, but I was going to the lenghths of singing to her, writing songs for her, placing candles around the hot tub, etc. She told me in November 2007 I "was everything she had ever wanted" and "was the man of her dreams."

 

What happened next blindsided me and sent me into a tailspin for quite some time. Approximately A WEEK after the MW had declared her love for me, I discovered she was talking with one of her husband's best friends. I found a text message she had sent this guy stating that she would do whatever it takes to get her husband back.

 

Why the sudden change of heart? Well, the MW had found out her husband had a girlfriend. She broke it off with me at the end of November and proceeded to move back in with the husband in time for Christmas.

 

Then, I started receiving late night phone calls from the MW, telling me how much she missed the way I treated her, kissed her, made love to her, etc. These calls started in January and occurred once or twice a week until April. We had also met up five or six times in that time period. During the first week of April 2008, the MW had a friend call me to tell me that the MW couldn't see me anymore. This set me off and I proceeded to send her a few nasty text messages calling her names and telling her how she was a coward for not being able to tell me herself. Three weeks later, I saw the MW and it rekindled the flame. We were talking everyday, seeing one another a couple times a week. On Memorial Day weekend, she had gone out of town with her family and she called me to see what was going on. For some reason, I ended up asking her if she was still sleeping with her husband to which she replied yes. I told her not to text or call me until she was divorced and hung up. However, I couldn't stay away, we were up to our old tricks within a few days.

 

This whole situation was eating me up inside because I finally realized I was being used for the attention, love, companionship, and friendship that was missing from her relationship with her husband. But I could never bring myself to cut ties with her.

 

I moved away this past August to a city 60 miles away to go back to school and attempt to distance myself from the MW. She sent me a text in September to inform me she was thinking about me and then called that same evening. Yes, I answered the damn phone. The MW told me how she wanted to come see me and was still in love with me. Well, it never happened. She had been notorious for making plans and then pulling a 180 and not wanting to go through with it after mulling things over. A couple weeks ago, the MW sent me another text. This time she was complaining about how she feels like the person she's living with(husband) knows nothing about her or doesn't care. She sends me a few more texts pleading to come see me. I agreed to see her the following week. However, when I sent a text to inquire about our plans, she responded how it wouldn't be a good idea. I asked why and she became upset and explained, "this is the side of you that always ends up turning me off, so maybe we should cut ties for good now."

 

This woman has messed with my mind time and time again, yet I can't seem to move on. Why does this MW still contact me and want to see me, then change her mind???

 

I know I need to cut ties and start living my life. Please give me some advice on what to do here. I'm too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this series of events.

 

Thanks

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LucreziaBorgia

For as complex as it seems, its simple in a tragic way: she's like an insecure monkey swinging through the trees - she has to have a vine in each hand to feel secure, and if she loses hold of one vine she'll scramble to get it back in hand.

 

I don't doubt that she loves you and misses you and wants to be with you. That in no way changes the fact that she doesn't want to lose her husband either.

 

She wants you on her terms: ie - she sets the pace 100% of the time. If you do something to make her think you are 'pushing' then she will back off, only to contact you desperately in order to keep you from backing too far off.

 

I'm sure if you walk away and slam the door so hard in her face that she literally can't find you to stay in contact, she'll find another OM in under 6 months.

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betwixtandbetween

^^^

Yes, you are in the right place. I posted here for the first time yesterday about my MW and they've got me ending things today. That said, I came here basically looking to hear what I was told... as it seems you are as well.

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Welcome, rockbottom. I think you have a good handle on your situation.

 

I finally realized I was being used for the attention, love, companionship, and friendship that was missing from her relationship with her husband. But I could never bring myself to cut ties with her.

 

The question is: WHY can't you bring yourself to cut ties with her?

 

If you concentrate on your own needs here, rather than try to work out her issues, then I think you will be on the right track to getting away from her mentally/emotionally in the way you got away from her physically.

 

Forget about what she needs from you, and ask yourself: what is she providing for you, what need in you is she fulfilling, and how can you untie those knots..?

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A few simple facts; At this moment you are her second choice, the fall back guy. Yes, she may love you but it seems she is still in love with her husband. Which brings me to the next fact; “she is a married woman”, she has children that makes your relationship with her wrong. Anther fact is; she is cheating, or has cheated on her husband. She needs to get a divorce before perusing another relationship. I think this says something about her character. Where her children when she was living with you? I know this is painful but you had to know she was married when you got involved or did she lie to you about that? I got involved with a MW when I was in my early twenties. She told me her and her husband where; “getting a divorce”. Several months later when I asked about the divorce she confessed they where still living together. Yes, it hurts, but I broke it off and have never seen her again. I vowed then never to date a woman until the divorce had been final for at least a year. I was and you are basically a perpetual rebound guy to her. Like LucreziaBogia said; you are a life line, a security blanket, second choice. It’s going to hurt and maybe that will keep you from dating married women in the future. It did it for me. I don’t care what sort of jerk her husband is, she needs to deal with that before clinging to someone else, in this case; you. Change your email address, change your phone number, date single woman. I’m sorry for your pain and for the tough life lesson you’re going through but are you really the type of person who is satisfied with being the OM, second choice, and with a woman who cheats on her husband and children and is using you? You wanted advice, don’t walk away, run and don’t look back.

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DealingWDrama

Something else you should realize is that MW and MM who are in A's with others often tell outlandish things about their spouses to the OW/OM so that they do not seem to be the cheating person they really are being. It's like making excuses to themselves and others so that they can believe what they are doing is right.

 

It's not right. Run away. People's emotions are not to be toyed with - she is obviously toying with you. Sorry about the hurt you are experiencing...with time and counseling all wounds heal. Think about going to see a counselor to talk about your feelings - you will go through the same feelings of 'grieving' that people go through when someone dies....shock, pain, denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance - though not in that order nor one at a time.

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Rockbottom-

Don't pass go and don't collect 200.00 on your way to the doctor for a full battery of testing. Condoms, even if consistently used, do not provide 100% from STDs.

She is sleeping around, her H is sleeping around and you are sleeping with them all.

No excuses. Go.

 

This woman is trouble. Nothing good will come of this and you know it. Married, two kids and a philandering hubby....trouble on two legs buddy.

 

I would change your phone number so she cannot contact you anymore. Desperate times call for desperate measures rockbottom. Then, if possible, take as many classes as possible to distract yourself even further.

 

I happen to agree with frannie - she is a monkey woman. Cannot let go of one branch w/o first having another in her grip.

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If you want an unstable, volatile relationship with a woman who is insecure, lies and cheats on her husband, but loves to have sex and play with people's emotions, she's your perfect mate.

 

If you want a secure, honest, loyal one man woman ....well...she ain't it.

 

You may not think so now because you're so deep in la-la land that you can't muster to shovel your way out of it until the next go around. Hey, maybe you love volatile relationships. Explains why people go through the off and on type of relationships simply because they don't know what the heck they want. Like you.

 

Honey, she's not all that in to you. But man, you sure are that into her. And why again?

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The relationship began with simple flirting at a local bar,as we would run into one another every couple weeks, and soon enough the flirting evolved into much more. In only two months, the MW with two children had moved out of her house to be with me. This wasn't the first time she had moved out. The husband had cheated on her with 20-30 different women and she finally had enough. Two years prior, she decided to separate from her alcoholic, unfaithful husband of 10 years and after a few months they reconciled.

 

She flirted with you at a bar and moved in with you after 2 months. She's running away from her problems and using you to cope.

 

Her husband cheated on her with 30 women and is an alcoholic yet she continues to want him back, even after she met you and lived with you. She wants her husband, no matter how badly he treats her. You treat her well, but she gives you up to be with him. She is not that into you.

 

It was as if I had met my soulmate, we could talk for hours about anything, make passionate crazy love all night, and enjoyed one another's company every passing minute we were together. No one has ever made me feel so alive as this person did. I knew I was a pretty romantic guy, but I was going to the lenghths of singing to her, writing songs for her, placing candles around the hot tub, etc. She told me in November 2007 I "was everything she had ever wanted" and "was the man of her dreams."

 

You ARE into her, way more than she is into you. Her words mean nothing. She just told you what you wanted to hear to make you fall for her. And you did. But she didn't. If she did, she would be with you, not running back to her scumbag husband. Pay close attention to her actions. They speak much louder than words.

 

What happened next blindsided me and sent me into a tailspin for quite some time. Approximately A WEEK after the MW had declared her love for me, I discovered she was talking with one of her husband's best friends. I found a text message she had sent this guy stating that she would do whatever it takes to get her husband back.

 

Reread this: she would do whatever it takes to get her husband back. Does this not tell you WHO she REALLY wants?

 

 

Why the sudden change of heart? Well, the MW had found out her husband had a girlfriend. She broke it off with me at the end of November and proceeded to move back in with the husband in time for Christmas.

 

It wasn't a sudden change of heart. Her husband never left her heart. He probably gave her some hope that he would change, that they could work things out...that he loved her and only her. That was enough for her to run back to him and leave you hanging. Again, does this not tell you WHO she REALLY wants?

 

Then, I started receiving late night phone calls from the MW, telling me how much she missed the way I treated her, kissed her, made love to her, etc. These calls started in January and occurred once or twice a week until April. We had also met up five or six times in that time period. During the first week of April 2008, the MW had a friend call me to tell me that the MW couldn't see me anymore. This set me off and I proceeded to send her a few nasty text messages calling her names and telling her how she was a coward for not being able to tell me herself. Three weeks later, I saw the MW and it rekindled the flame. We were talking everyday, seeing one another a couple times a week. On Memorial Day weekend, she had gone out of town with her family and she called me to see what was going on. For some reason, I ended up asking her if she was still sleeping with her husband to which she replied yes. I told her not to text or call me until she was divorced and hung up. However, I couldn't stay away, we were up to our old tricks within a few days.

 

This whole situation was eating me up inside because I finally realized I was being used for the attention, love, companionship, and friendship that was missing from her relationship with her husband. But I could never bring myself to cut ties with her.

 

I moved away this past August to a city 60 miles away to go back to school and attempt to distance myself from the MW. She sent me a text in September to inform me she was thinking about me and then called that same evening. Yes, I answered the damn phone. The MW told me how she wanted to come see me and was still in love with me. Well, it never happened. She had been notorious for making plans and then pulling a 180 and not wanting to go through with it after mulling things over. A couple weeks ago, the MW sent me another text. This time she was complaining about how she feels like the person she's living with(husband) knows nothing about her or doesn't care. She sends me a few more texts pleading to come see me. I agreed to see her the following week. However, when I sent a text to inquire about our plans, she responded how it wouldn't be a good idea. I asked why and she became upset and explained, "this is the side of you that always ends up turning me off, so maybe we should cut ties for good now."

 

This woman has messed with my mind time and time again, yet I can't seem to move on. Why does this MW still contact me and want to see me, then change her mind???

 

You already answered your own question. She continues to contact you and see you because she is using you to cope with her unhappy marriage. She messes with your mind to keep you dangling. She knows you care for her. She knows you are in love with you. But she doesn't feel the same for you. If she did, she would be with you, not her H. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't use you like this. She would take into account how you feel about her and she would LET YOU GO knowing she doesn't have the same feelings for you and knowing that she is hurting you by playing with your feelings like this.

 

I know I need to cut ties and start living my life. Please give me some advice on what to do here. I'm too embarrassed to talk to family or friends about this series of events.

 

Again, you already answered your own question. Cut ties and start living your life.

 

You made a great decision to move away and to go to school. Good for you. Now you need to cut the emotional ties to this woman and heal yourself. You won't be able to do this until you are able to go complete NC with her - NO CONTACT whatsoever.

 

Do you want to continue to be used by her? If you do, she will use you up and in the end you will still be alone, weak, broken and bitter.

 

If you don't want to be used any longer, walk away.

 

There are plenty of single amazing women out there to connect with who won't use you or play on your vulnerabilities.

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You crossed that emotional boundary that will make the next few months just hell. But stay strong and stay NC it is the only way. If you see her or talk to her it will only start over for you.

 

By all means write things down, take up hobbies do what ever you need to get the thoughts of her out of your head. Because those thoughts will drive you crazy for a while and I found that writing and posting helped me greatly.

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I just want to extend a big thank you to all of you that have replied to my original post. I realized what was happening to me, but I kept lying about the reality of the situation. Everyone has given me a great perspective on what truly has transpired and I am extremely grateful for all the feedback.

 

I feel empowered to take the proper steps to get my life back on track, and it's obvious NC must be the number one priority.

 

Being able to post what I've experienced is one of the best things I could have done. It's a huge relief to get this off my chest and hear perspectives from empathetic people.

 

 

Thanks LS!!!!

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So...in your quest for NC...there are some definite, specific actions you should take:

 

1. Send her an "its over, forever" email. Don't make it mushy, regretful, etc... Make it short, sweet, and to the point. "I can't take this any more. Its over. Please do not contact me again."

 

2. Take action to help you hold your end of NC. Delete her from your phone, email, IM, etc... Remove any evidence of her from your life.

 

3. CRITICAL Take steps to prevent her from contacting you. Change your phone number(s). Delete email accounts that she would contact you in, or even ones she could figure out that you might have (if you use a common username, for example). Delete IM accounts, connections to her facebook, block her from your facebook/myspace/etc...

 

4. Make sure you've got a support plan and someone who can "talk you down" when you feel that you might get week and contact her.

 

5. DO THIS...TODAY!!!

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bentnotbroken
Everything that Owl posts is important! The sooner people come to that conclusion, the happier we'll all be!!! :)

 

 

You so funny dude.:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

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And if #4 on OWL's list hard to do, just come back on LS.

 

There's always someone with a shovel to help dig you out of the rut.

 

Meanwhile, work on yourself. Figure out WHY you chose to be with someone who is cheating on her H.

 

Now, imagine if you were her H.

 

Quite a different perspective, don't you think?

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I just want to extend a big thank you to all of you that have replied to my original post. I realized what was happening to me, but I kept lying about the reality of the situation. Everyone has given me a great perspective on what truly has transpired and I am extremely grateful for all the feedback.

 

I feel empowered to take the proper steps to get my life back on track, and it's obvious NC must be the number one priority.

 

Being able to post what I've experienced is one of the best things I could have done. It's a huge relief to get this off my chest and hear perspectives from empathetic people.

 

 

Thanks LS!!!!

 

 

Good luck, let us know how things turn out.

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