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Hello. I am new here. VERY VERY long (but hopefully interesting enough to read)

I read the romantics thread and there were some excellent answers there so I up and joined.

 

I need help in sorting out myself/my MM and the road to take.

This post is actually unfortunately somewhat all about me. I apologize for the narcissism in advance.

 

My situation is a bit complex so maybe a machete?

 

I was never monogamous. I knew this a long time ago but I also crave longterm love, not the butterfly new stuff. Well life has been wonderful to me and I met my husband who is also poly. We haven't had a lot of relationships outside of our marriage (15+ years) because even though love may be boundless, time and energy isn't. Just knowing I wasn't trapped though has worked for me. My husband has had more lovers (higher sex drive/more extroverted). I am happy he has more love, I'm not a jealous person, he always makes me feel valued, listened to and wanted.

 

Eventually, as I predicted about myself, I did fall in love with another.

 

The love is requited. -Joy

The man is married. - not so good

 

Well eventually I asked him if he has an open marriage?? The likelihood of this being next to nil but it was really building up, this love between us, and honesty is a failing for me (not a virtue, really a failing). So I confessed all. He stated that shockingly he loved me - and his wife. And no, he didn't have an open marriage.

 

well we avoided each other for a couple of months but - you guessed it - we work together so we ended up talking to each other and we kept dragging in deeper in our attachment

 

We try again and again to stay away and end up every time in deeper. Honestly it is to the point where I am afraid to even try any more to stay away from him.

 

I have been on and on him to tell his wife, to talk to her. They have fallen on the not appreciating each other problem. As a poly person, monogamy, being everything to someone forever, seems like a horrible burden to put on someone you love but this is the standard in our society and what they chose. Truthfully though, he didn't know there was an option.

 

Well he has finally told her but in a much changed version, as I requested, he has eliminated the past few months agony and simply told her my question as if it happened yesterday. She is flummoxed and cannot say what he should do. He asked what to do with someone who loves him. If he should shun me but apparently she said no (yes, I know that it is possible he is lying about talking to her)

 

Should I try and hold on to see if with time to digest the idea she will indulge him/change the relationship? It would require a face to face meeting with her.

 

I truly am trying to call him/e-mail him/see him less but he pursues me (if one doesn't pursue it seems the other does, we are not succeeding in ever staying away from one another)

 

I am not religious but your take on the morality of the situation would be much much appreciated.

 

My husband knows everything. He says to wait it out.

Thank you!

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Your husband is OK with you falling inlove with another man? What if this man actually divorces? What then? Would your MM be OK with you staying married and having two men? What happens if you fall out of love with your husband and only want MM? Sorry for all the questions..

 

I think this guy IS lying to you about his wife and what he's told her..It's his way of stalling and giving himself more time with you.

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Seems simple to me. The guy represented to his wife that he wanted a monogamous relationship. He met you and changed his mind and acted on it. But, he did not consult with his wife and tell her he wanted to change the agreement. So, he lacked the courage to ask for a change in his relationship and he acted dishonestly.

Once again, he acts dishonestly when he tells his wife about you but does not disclose that you two are already involved.

Since you are poly and having relations with him, and, you have not consulted his wife, knowing he has a contract in effect, you are being dishonest as well. You are exposing her to your sexual history and potential health risks.

Seems you teo are playing God with another's life. You are depriving her of the ability to direct her life and protect her health,

So,what is the issue? You've made a decison to lie and hurt someone else. Do you have some type of code of conduct that you live by? Do you believe your life is more important than others? Is lying okay with you if it gets you what you want?

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whichway - my husband is okay with my having another relationship yes. He is my primary (permanent) relationship. He has loved others and not chosen to divorce me.

MM and I are not good mix for a long term relationship and he knows this.

If he divorced I would not divorce my husband and marry him. He knows this.

 

Reggie - we are not having/have never had sex so his wife is not exposed to any health risks. This is an emotional affair.

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In fairness to MM, I think this is a great deal to digest.

We are brought up with monogamy as the standard. It is much simpler and easier to regulate.

So I do not think that is strange if it took him a few months to admit to himself that he is in pretty deep emotionally and this is actually an affair.

Would you upset the apple cart in your marriage unless it really was something of consequence?

 

He has hinted to her. He has told me things that she has said (referred to me as his "girlfriend"). And now, according to him (I allow the possibility of double deceit here), he has told her that I love him.

The dishonesty is that it didn't happen exactly as he has presented it to her but it is something that he at least did do. He has been afraid to say anything to her. He has tried to not love me and failed. He loves her and does not want to divorce her. I do not want him to divorce her. I do want him to be himself with her. I think she deserves some time to digest this rather strange situation herself and decide what she wants. I fear that if I did try (again) to cut him off completely that

1. I won't succeed (haven't yet)

2. It will stir him to do something rash and push the issue with her whereas with time she may either provide him more affection OR let me do that OR go to counselling or something

3. I will have abandoned him too.

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Yeah, I'd upset the cart in the interest of honesty and fairness.

She gets a say in this, too, right? Without the facts, she cannot make an informed decision.

Your focus is entirely on you and on him. She is left out of the analysis. Seem fair to you? She's your equal, isn't she? Or, are you guys playing God?

It's "I want", "He does not want" in your post. See someone else's "wants" that may be a factor?

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I am not religious but your take on the morality of the situation would be much much appreciated.

Hello and welcome!

 

Not sure why your question was one of morality in particular, but here are my thoughts...

 

I'm not poly, but I've know people who are. The ones I've met explain that they hold a high ethical standard and never have affairs with people who are in committed relationships, unless the other partner knows. So while I don't have any moral judgement against polyamory, I don't think you're in aligned with the poly community's morals. What you're doing is considered cheating. (I'm not judging you; I got caught up in an affair this year too.)

 

From a more practical standpoint, it seems unlikely that you can convert the W at this point. It probably would have been hard anyways, but once you've crossed the cheating line, I don't think you're going to impress her with how great polyamory is. In theory, polyamory should be a way for non-monogamous people to live more honestly, not less.

 

I think at this point you can't end up wth this guy without blowing out his marriage over it. And long term, you don't know that he's really poly either. Sounds more like he is caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and new sexual partner. Does he understand that you aren't going to give up your poly marriage for him?

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Hello Holdin-On,

 

I can completely understand the desire to be poly, and I know it can work out, with complete up-front honesty from all parties. Even so, it can be terribly difficult. I'm not sure why you ask about the morality of it, since you're already involved... did you mean the morality of asking someone else to join who hadn't already considered it?

 

I think the previous poster had a point about this MM being somewhat excited and infatuated with the idea and perhaps going along with it for now.

 

I think it's dangerous for him to suggest this to his W; who knows how she will react or what the fallout for him might be. And similarly, I think it's unfair on him to ask her, given that it doesn't seem to be coming from any deep desire in him (again, just my impression), but rather a desire to please you. And I wonder if she might 'give in' to his suggestion in order to keep him, or any other kind of unfortunate result that might come of it all... It just seems risky and unfair of you to ask/press him, simply because its convenient for you or what you want.

 

On the other hand, if you both feel it's inevitable that you'll get together anyway, it has to be better than the alternative: cheating behind her back. In which case, if he feels it's inevitable, then perhaps this is the best course. The thing is... does he want to lose his marriage over it, because that might be the result.

 

I just can't help but feel it's all going to go horribly wrong. How's that for optimism? :laugh:

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bentnotbroken

Why are any of you even married? There is nothing even remotely resembling a marriage in this mess.:sick:

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WildSoul, Frannie, Reggie. Thank you very much for helping me sort through this. Truthfully I was expecting a complete roasting.

 

Reggie - I am concerned about her wants. That is why I wanted him to tell her that I love him. I want her to be forewarned and to figure the boundaries of their marriage out with MM.

MM & I keep getting in deeper and deeper. If she is going to say "he** no" I want her to say it now. If she knows that I love him and that I am poly then she has a chance to state her views on polyamory. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing what she knows unless I ever talk to her. If he has actually told her nothing (possible) then I do not want to upset the apple cart, I'd rather leave them to their marriage. On the other hand I do NOT want to say "you must let me talk to her now" because I do not want it as an ultimatum precisely for the reasons outlined by Wild.

 

WildSoul - it is exactly that I do NOT want him to put it as an ultimatum. My morality crisis is in the way of asking or waiting. I want him to find out if poly is an option with her and if it is not then avoid me. But I do not know how he can ever find out but by asking her. And yes, I have told him point blank that I would not leave my husband. That I would not ever marry him.

 

 

Frannie - yep. I concur. I am also fearing the horribly wrong ending.

 

Well I sent him an e-mail and asked him to stay away from me and not seek me out. He gave me this as an option a long time ago. We will see if he keeps to it.

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MM & I keep getting in deeper and deeper. If she is going to say "he** no" I want her to say it now.

 

The thing is, even IF she says yes, at anytime she has the right to change her mind. And you'll have to accept that too.

 

It isn't just about sex with you and him, it's an emotional affair, which is JUST as damaging as a physical affair. SHE may not like the thought of him 'loving' and 'being attached' to another woman, let alone another woman loving her husband.

 

Well I sent him an e-mail and asked him to stay away from me and not seek me out. He gave me this as an option a long time ago. We will see if he keeps to it.

 

You make him keep to it, last thing you need to deal with is his broken heart and a very peeved of betrayed wife (his wife) coming at you.

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The decision is yours.

 

Do you wish to continue your affair? And that's what it is from your MM/BS perspective and its also why you are trying to convert them so desperately.

 

You cannot force either of them to accept your lifestyle. He will because it suits him. It adds "legitimacy" to his affair. We know its an affair because they are not poly and he is lying to her. We can guess she won't like it because he lied to her. So he has a fair idea she won't accept it. But he wants his piece on the side - so what's a man to do? Oh yeah, lie to his wife.

 

And there's the issue. Can a poly "convert" a monogamous couple when the W is in the dark. I think you know the answer already - and your H certainly knows it.

 

Listen to your hubby and stay away. Your bf is cheating on his W with you.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

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Frannie - yep. I concur. I am also fearing the horribly wrong ending.

 

Well I sent him an e-mail and asked him to stay away from me and not seek me out. He gave me this as an option a long time ago. We will see if he keeps to it.

 

I think I'm fearing it because none of this seems to be coming from him (correct me if I'm wrong there). And what I see is that their relationship needs to be the primary one. Say a couple wants to experience poly (or simply involving another woman in their bed), they need to be coming from that need within their relationship, not from some woman approaching and already establishing something with the H and then 'telling' the W about it! It's all putting the cart before the horse. I can't see how it would all work out, it's starting out on a really bad footing from the get-go.

 

To me this is not about poly, but about trying to persuade a woman to let her H have a relationship and not mind/not lie to her. Or maybe I'm not seeing this clearly, I don't know.

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