Never thought I'd be an OM, but here I am...

[betwixtandbetween]

Newbie here. Late 30's separated dad of young children, almost a certainty that we will make things "final" over the coming months. Been separated for almost a year now. Had absolutely no interest in even so much as dating for most of the past year. Am an active member of an athletic-related website, where I met this woman who lives a few hours away. She came down to my area to do a race with myself and a group of my friends... and we hit it off, in a huge way. There had been quite a bit of online flirting going on before we met in person, and after we met it was obvious to both of us that there was some major attraction.

 

Since then, she has made a couple more trips down here "for races," and this has turned into a full-blown affair. We've spent a couple of weekends together, a night here and there, etc. She is having major problems at home, which started before she met me, which have gotten worse since she has met me. She also has two rather young children, and is close to the point of a trial separation.

 

I am really starting to fall for her. This wasn't supposed to happen... the first person I had anything with after separating was supposed to be a low-key thing. And she certainly wasn't supposed to be married, and have kids, and live far away. We talk for a couple hours on the phone during the workday, in the evenings we communicate via email, tons of emails, and we see each other every other weekend or so. One night I drove to her location, stayed in a hotel, and she came over in the evening, and again in the morning, saying she was working out. I drove for more time altogether than I spent with her... and we are not talking about an hour's drive here. I feel like it is so stupid for me to be doing things like this... but I can't help myself.

 

My gut tells me, that at some point, she is going to try to fix things at home, and end things with us. I've even told her that's what I think is going to happen. I guess that after feeling so numb for a year, it feels GREAT to actually feel for someone... to be excited when the phone rings, or to get a warm fuzzy when I think of cuddling up with her. And at least I've told myself that the great feelings now, will be worth whatever pain I go through if and when this ends... heck, even pain is still feeling... it's not "numb."

 

I don't feel any guilt about this whatsoever. None. I think going through my separation, I have lost some respect for the institution of marriage, which makes it easier for me to be involved in what I am without a second of guilt.

 

There you have it. Not sure what I am looking for by posting here. I guess just to be able to get this out, since there is not anyone I can talk to about it, or even knows about it. Thanks for listening.

[lkjh]

You lost respect for marriage but did you lose respect for your fellow man or yourself. You have officially went from father and hero(to your children) to sorry to say it scumbag. Just imagine if her two kids were yours and someone was doing this to them.

[betwixtandbetween]

You're free to say whatever you like... like I said, I don't have any guilt about it, and name-calling won't change that. I'm not doing anything to her kids. Her kids, like mine, are better off being parented by a single parent, rather than two parents who despise each other.

[lkjh]

Go read through these threads because usually their M isn't as bad as the cheater says. It sounds like you have resentment towards your M, do you think that its possible that you are not thinking clearly. Is it possible that you are angry because if so one day you may regret this.

[Owl]

What's the status on your seperation? Divorce filed? Pending?

 

I'm curious, because that same risk of her going back to her H to reconcile could (theoritcally, I don't know your sitaution) apply to you as well.

 

Wouldn't it make better sense to back off for a while...take action to end your own marriage, and wait to see if/when she does the same...so that the two of you have time to truly get to where you're both free to be with each other with no issue or fear of going back?

 

There's no reason why you have to rush this forward today, right? And same for her as well...

 

Break off any kind of contact...FOR NOW...focus on getting yourself ready for a new long term relationship. Ask her to do the same.

 

And ask her to contact you when she's free and clear and ready to start that new, kick butt relationship.

 

Make sense?

[jwi71]

You're free to say whatever you like... like I said, I don't have any guilt about it, and name-calling won't change that. I'm not doing anything to her kids. Her kids, like mine, are better off being parented by a single parent, rather than two parents who despise each other.

 

100% agree.

 

Except...how do you know that her marriage is so bad? Read some more threads about how the OM/OW was lied to, in some cases for years, by their lover. You may wish to thoroughly and rationally (if possible) review your situation and hers.

 

She is married. She has kids. She lives at home. She lies to H and kids to visit you in hotels. She tells you how awful it is at home but (and you don't indicate either way) isn't taking steps to leave. You may be the OM for years...miserable while she has all of her needs met.

 

And get your divorce already. You have already cheated on your W...might as well go on and get your divorce filed.

[betwixtandbetween]

What's the status on your seperation? Divorce filed? Pending?

 

I'm curious, because that same risk of her going back to her H to reconcile could (theoritcally, I don't know your sitaution) apply to you as well.

Can't file until January 1st... in Virginia you need to be separated for a year before one can file. I don't see any reason why we wouldn't file.

 

Wouldn't it make better sense to back off for a while...take action to end your own marriage, and wait to see if/when she does the same...so that the two of you have time to truly get to where you're both free to be with each other with no issue or fear of going back?

 

There's no reason why you have to rush this forward today, right? And same for her as well...

Yes, it would make sense, and no, there isn't a reason why I need to rush it forward... but I'm not really rushing towards anything at the moment, if that makes any sense. I'm just trying to kind of enjoy the moment... don't have any expectations of anything in the future.

 

Break off any kind of contact...FOR NOW...focus on getting yourself ready for a new long term relationship. Ask her to do the same.

 

And ask her to contact you when she's free and clear and ready to start that new, kick butt relationship.

 

Make sense?

It does all make sense... but it also assumes that I want a new, kick butt relationship. I've told myself that I don't really want that... that this sort of thing, where I can go on a date and have fun, without having to have any kind of commitment, is just the thing for me right now. But OTOH, I then wonder if that is just rationalization.

[betwixtandbetween]

100% agree.

 

Except...how do you know that her marriage is so bad? Read some more threads about how the OM/OW was lied to, in some cases for years, by their lover. You may wish to thoroughly and rationally (if possible) review your situation and hers.

That never occurred to me (all the veterans are shaking their collective heads and smiling knowingly as they read this...), she did forward me an email he sent her expressing how bad things are, was kind of long... although I suppose she could have written it. I guess with the amount of communication we have, how could they NOT be having major problems?

 

She is married. She has kids. She lives at home. She lies to H and kids to visit you in hotels. She tells you how awful it is at home but (and you don't indicate either way) isn't taking steps to leave. You may be the OM for years...miserable while she has all of her needs met.

I sincerely hope I don't allow that to happen (OM for years). I guess that at least from what she tells me, the shtye is starting to hit the fan with them, and that she first mentioned wanting to "try separation" to him last night. Of course, I (now) realize that means little, and it may, or may not, be true.

 

And get your divorce already. You have already cheated on your W...might as well go on and get your divorce filed.

I will, once I can. January 1 is the day I have to wait until.

[Owl]

 

It does all make sense... but it also assumes that I want a new, kick butt relationship. I've told myself that I don't really want that... that this sort of thing, where I can go on a date and have fun, without having to have any kind of commitment, is just the thing for me right now. But OTOH, I then wonder if that is just rationalization.

 

I can understand that...but two thing to consider in this.

 

First...YOUR expectations of the relationship are likely to change. You might want a 'non-commitment' relationship now...but you've already stated that you're "falling for her"...and if you re-read your opening post, it sounds like you're already more invested in her than you realize.

 

Second...the drama will get MUCH worse before it gets better, and that wears on you far harder than you might realize. At some point...the fun starts go out of the affair as the drama increases...which is another reason to go NC at some point.

 

Just some things to consider.

[betwixtandbetween]

I can understand that...but two thing to consider in this.

 

First...YOUR expectations of the relationship are likely to change. You might want a 'non-commitment' relationship now...but you've already stated that you're "falling for her"...and if you re-read your opening post, it sounds like you're already more invested in her than you realize.

 

Second...the drama will get MUCH worse before it gets better, and that wears on you far harder than you might realize. At some point...the fun starts go out of the affair as the drama increases...which is another reason to go NC at some point.

 

Just some things to consider.

 

Thanks. I know myself well enough to know that I'm not the type to have a "fun" relationship for very long... I either fall, as you've pointed out that I am starting to... or I lose interest.

 

I also know myself well enough to know that going NC *right now* isn't something that I will do... I "can" do it, I just know I won't right now. I do think there is a point where I would. Not there now... almost kind of a "know it when I see it" (or know when it is time) sort-of-thing. I did read a few other threads about folks who got much deeper in than I did, which is helpful to be aware of, as I go through this.

 

I certainly appreciate the advice, comments, and sanity checks.

[betwixtandbetween]

I am having massive doubts and hesitations this morning after posting here, reading some of the other threads with people in my situation, and reading some of the thoughts people have posted here. I'm pretty much confused as h3ll... on one hand, it's nice to have a romantic interest (and be having sex again, if I am being honest), it's nice to have someone to cuddle with... on the other, it sucks that if we're on the phone and her H shows up, it's "whoa... H is here... gotta go!! *click*" and that we can't just go on a normal "date"... I can't talk to my friends or family about it... the list just goes on and on. This past weekend, she was supposed to be here all weekend... came down Friday afternoon, had a great time, then Saturday morning she started feeling guilty about leaving the kids like that, and went back home in the afternoon, which had me feeling kind of empty. Kind of illustrated that this is so not about what *I* want, or need, in any form. And she has acknowledged this... she has said things like "I feel bad that it feels like I'm using you to fulfill certain needs..." to which I reply, "well, I'm a big boy, I know what I am getting into..." .... but do I? really? I'm not so sure.

 

I said something jokingly in an email about her and the kids moving down here and she got all serious on me and said words to the effect of that she'd never move, she loves where she lives, etc. And neither would I... my kids are here and I wouldn't move away from them. I don't really want her to move at the moment, but it did get me thinking, "what is the point of this relationship?"

 

I've had other women show interest in me... quite a few, actually. And I ignore them, or don't pursue them, because of this. I think I am afraid that since I don't feel "ready" for a real relationship, this will suffice for now.

 

And the biggest thing, is that I don't trust her. She hasn't done anything explicitly to cause this... but I just don't trust her. How ironic that I don't trust her because of what she's doing with me.

 

So effed up. I think intellectually I know what the right thing for me to do is, but OTOH, is a time that I feel nothing but confusion the right time to do anything, or take any concrete steps? And even if it was, I'm not sure that I am ready to do it. Part of me is inclined to just keep what I am doing for now until something "happens"... although I don't know what that something is, I just think I will know it when I see it.

 

Sigh... thanks for listening to this rambling...

[whichwayisup]

on one hand, it's nice to have a romantic interest (and be having sex again, if I am being honest), it's nice to have someone to cuddle with... on the other, it sucks that if we're on the phone and her H shows up, it's "whoa... H is here... gotta go!! *click*" and that we can't just go on a normal "date"... I can't talk to my friends or family about it...

 

It must suck to have to keep this to yourself, not be involved in eachothers' lives out in the open. How long do you think you can go on like this? Be the OM, fall deeper and know this woman will never be yours. She'll always choose her H over you..

 

Maybe now you can handle it, but as time goes on, you'll suffer, you'll feel alot of pain and then you'll want even more from her, but she won't be able to meet your expectations, your needs - Well, she will, but on HER time frame.

 

She's selfish, and the more you realize that this is ALL about her, not what she feels for you, maybe afew bad days, some tears, more pain will make you realize she is NOT worthy of your love, your effort and your energy.

 

You don't trust her, rightfully so. I mean, what if she left him, how could you trust her fully? This woman is and has been betraying and cheating on her husband, the man she said vows to infront of family and friends.

 

It'll hurt, but you need to end it, for your own sanity. If you continue on, you'll lose who you are along the way..

[pkn06002]

If you keep pursuing this keep your emotions in check. Because if you let your emotions run (sounds like you are already) you are just in for a world of hurt.

[jwi71]

... she has said things like "I feel bad that it feels like I'm using you to fulfill certain needs..."

 

...she got all serious on me and said words to the effect of that she'd never move, she loves where she lives, etc.

 

My friend she is telling you in no uncertain terms that this has no future. She will not leave her family. If you want her just for sex - that's fine. But you have to keep your emotions out of it. And that is almost impossible - you have already become invested in her.

 

My advice? Dump her. Say goodbye and tell her to never contact you again. Tell her if she does, you will have a fascinating chat with her H. Then hang up, give her no chance to respond. End it. End it now.

 

I think I am afraid that since I don't feel "ready" for a real relationship, this will suffice for now.

So stop getting sucked into one with your MW. Take a break from women. Focus on you and your kids.

 

And if the lack of sex is killing you...remember when you were 13? Grab a National Geographic and lock the bathroom door. African bush women with animal skull jewelry are hot! Hot I tell you!

[betwixtandbetween]

My friend she is telling you in no uncertain terms that this has no future. She will not leave her family. If you want her just for sex - that's fine. But you have to keep your emotions out of it. And that is almost impossible - you have already become invested in her.

 

My advice? Dump her. Say goodbye and tell her to never contact you again. Tell her if she does, you will have a fascinating chat with her H. Then hang up, give her no chance to respond. End it. End it now.

 

I know that I am emotionally invested in it. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be posting here, I don't think... I know what I need to do... I need to get myself to the point where I am ready to "man up." And I am getting there, more quickly than I once thought I might.

 

And if the lack of sex is killing you...remember when you were 13? Grab a National Geographic and lock the bathroom door. African bush women with animal skull jewelry are hot! Hot I tell you!

Hot day-um!! I need some of that!! Seriously, though, I alluded to other women... there is a friend of a friend, 10 years younger than me (I'm 37), who somehow I ended up had a really steamy text conversation with a few weeks back. And my friend has told me that her friend gets Brazilians. So there goes the "no sex" reason to continue with the MW.

 

I'm getting where I need to be.

[betwixtandbetween]

If you keep pursuing this keep your emotions in check. Because if you let your emotions run (sounds like you are already) you are just in for a world of hurt.

 

yes, they are running. I'm terrible at keeping my emotions in check.

[betwixtandbetween]

It must suck to have to keep this to yourself, not be involved in eachothers' lives out in the open. How long do you think you can go on like this?

Yep, that about sums it up... it sucks. Actually both of us have noted how we'd love to be able to just go out on a normal date like normal people.

 

she won't be able to meet your expectations, your needs - Well, she will, but on HER time frame....

we are already at the point where she's not meeting my needs, and I am already at the point where I want more than she is able to or wants to give.

 

You don't trust her, rightfully so. I mean, what if she left him, how could you trust her fully.....

Although I feel bad for saying that I don't trust her, because really, am I any better? Maybe a little bit. Not all that much, though.

[pkn06002]

yes, they are running. I'm terrible at keeping my emotions in check.

 

You need to check out of this relationship, trust me have been down this path and the end is not enjoyable.

 

Tell her how you feel and if she ever gets a divorce to look you up, but just walk away. From this point on you will only get more and more hurt.

[betwixtandbetween]

You need to check out of this relationship, trust me have been down this path and the end is not enjoyable.

 

Tell her how you feel and if she ever gets a divorce to look you up, but just walk away. From this point on you will only get more and more hurt.

 

I think her ears were burning... I am listening to her prattle on about childcare logistics for some concert that she is going to. I so do not care about this... ugh. Probably won't "do it" on this particular phone call.

[Owl]

So...make a plan for when you WILL do it.

 

Today, tonite. At the latest...tomorrow.

 

Before you talk yourself out of it.

 

Have planned out what you're going to say, and how you're going to say it.

 

And then...walk away.

 

Yes, you'll hurt, you'll cry...but then you'll also feel alot better about YOURSELF.

 

There are a few others here who have done this...they can help guide you through the aftermath....but the first step...starting the NC...is totally yours to make happen.

[betwixtandbetween]

Ugh. I have started the ball rolling on this. Phone is not an option, so email will have to do. Was going to wait until the morning, when we normally talk, but I feared that I'd lose my nerve... my email... I just couldn't be as harsh about it as I suspect some of you might like me to be...

 

That's cool. I think that I am actually glad about what you said, because it makes it easier for me to say what I am about to say, and what I have been thinking about since this weekend.

 

If I am being honest as well, I've been having a lot of thoughts about you and I, myself, since this weekend. You leaving on Sunday really made me think about "what I am doing?" Of course nothing you said, or have said to me at any time through this whole thing, has not been honest. But, you leaving was kind of a wake-up call to me that while we have fun together and it is fun for both of us go to out to (detail omitted) and come home and have more fun, at the end of the day, my thoughts and/or feelings aren't relevant in the bigger scheme of things to you, and if you decide to leave on a whim, what I think doesn't matter. And I deserve better.

 

The thing is, XXXX, as much as I love spending time with you, I don't think I am willing to settle for that, or just be someone who fills a void, or fulfill needs that you aren't getting at home. Don't get me wrong... I don't have hard feelings about it, or expect that you should put me first... I certainly don't. You ought to be putting your husband and family first, and trying to fix it first. It's the situation, it's not you per se.

 

I still don't think I want a real relationship with anyone... on the other hand, I don't want a relationship that only exists when the other person is available for it.

 

I don't know. I really don't know.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can relate. Here is a thread that might give you some insight on what she is thinking:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=119842

 

I know this won't be great to hear, but long story short - five months later he ended it and by this summer I was back with my H.

[hurting_in_MA]

Ugh. I have started the ball rolling on this. Phone is not an option, so email will have to do. Was going to wait until the morning, when we normally talk, but I feared that I'd lose my nerve... my email... I just couldn't be as harsh about it as I suspect some of you might like me to be...

 

That's cool. I think that I am actually glad about what you said, because it makes it easier for me to say what I am about to say, and what I have been thinking about since this weekend.

 

If I am being honest as well, I've been having a lot of thoughts about you and I, myself, since this weekend. You leaving on Sunday really made me think about "what I am doing?" Of course nothing you said, or have said to me at any time through this whole thing, has not been honest. But, you leaving was kind of a wake-up call to me that while we have fun together and it is fun for both of us go to out to (detail omitted) and come home and have more fun, at the end of the day, my thoughts and/or feelings aren't relevant in the bigger scheme of things to you, and if you decide to leave on a whim, what I think doesn't matter. And I deserve better.

 

The thing is, XXXX, as much as I love spending time with you, I don't think I am willing to settle for that, or just be someone who fills a void, or fulfill needs that you aren't getting at home. Don't get me wrong... I don't have hard feelings about it, or expect that you should put me first... I certainly don't. You ought to be putting your husband and family first, and trying to fix it first. It's the situation, it's not you per se.

 

I still don't think I want a real relationship with anyone... on the other hand, I don't want a relationship that only exists when the other person is available for it.

 

I don't know. I really don't know.

 

 

Betwixt--

I have been reading this thread, and feel like you have found yourself in a very difficult situation. I think the e-mail you wrote is good...well written, honest, and from the heart.

 

It is hard to do what we know is the right thing when our hearts tell us otherwise.

 

I have recently had to make changes in an unhealthy situation for myself, as well. It really hurts. Wishing you strength.

[pkn06002]

Now just stay NC after you send the e-mail, warning it will be hard but there is no other way. What ever you do NO lets stay friends!!!!! The only way you are going to move past this is to stop all contact.

 

You did kind of leave the door open if she ever resolves her marriage in a fashion where she is free. If she really wants to get in touch with you I am sure she can find you.

 

So be strong man

[BentSpine]

Keep meeting your woman for the sexual needs that you both have. And to keep your emotions in check, also start meeting up the woman with the Brazilian for sex as well. How could you become attached to one when you're treating them both the same?!

 

I'm going to assume that the suggestion to substitute sex with masturbation was a bad joke.

 

Why get married, really? If you want to stay together for the rest of your life then DO stay together the rest of your life! That's a major challenge to achieve and I'd say actions speak louder than words. And by not marrying you remain honourable, in case you fall out of love, by not breaking any promises that aren't within your control. Your feelings are not yours to give away. Your feelings are not under your control. How many times do people have to stand before the priest and remarry, each time promising forever, before they realise: maybe, just maybe I shouldn't say "forever"?

 

Or you can choose to be unhappy within your marriage and hope that your sacrifice won't go unnoticed in heaven so that you can reap the benefits in afterlife.

 

Children, research tells that divorce don't cause kids to end up worse. It's when parents don't get along that the children reach less success in life.

 

Since slavery is forbidden, each person is free. Free to give their body to whoever they choose. Regardless if they are in a relationship (fyi marriage is a relationship) or not. You don't have to wait for the woman to file for divorce, because slavery is forbidden.

The choice we have as partners is if want to remain being a partner with someone who doesn't value us as much as we would like.