OM and H

[Icantdecide]

I'm new here, hello all, I've been reading a few weeks though. I know I will get flack for my situation and I deserve it but this seemed like a safer place to post than the infidelity forum because there are many there who are hurting from people like me. Some here may take offense to me as well and please be open with your hostility if need be. I can take it, I am looking for understanding of my situation though. I really do need help and to get my mind unclouded. So here goes....

 

 

I am a MW who has an OM. My H and I have been married 7 years (together for 8) and I must state that I do think I love him (aside from me cheating on him) He is a workaholic and is rarely around. But it is the lack of emotional intimacy and his cheating (he's not blameless he had an affair 3 years into our marriage) that led me down this path to OM. I know I am entirely responsible for my actions and should have gotten a divorce years ago so I am aware, just selfish and scared.

 

I got together with OM 3 years ago and we have been on and off ever since. At first he didnt' want me to leave my H but after a year he did. In the last year OM and I have gotten very very close and I have gotten braver and have taken to lying to my H quite often and seeing OM every day and spending nights with him and going on two weekend getaways with him this summer. OM wants me to get a divorce and marry him. We had made plans (on paper) for what our wedding and life would be like together. We went as far as finding a house to rent together and OM was going to change jobs so he could live with me. At one time I thought OM was all I ever wanted. He left me two years ago because I would not leave my H and I was completely devastated. I couldn't function without him in my life. I started divorce proceedings with my H and OM came back and I was totally happy again. H talked me out of the divorce (he does not know about OM, suspects but has no proof).

 

OM and I have a lot in common, at one time I considered him my soulmate. He gives me a lot of attention and we have a deep emotional connection unlike H and myself. We support each other and at one time I thought I would be happy if OM and I could be together for real and not all this sneaking around. We don't even really sneak around anymore, becoming bolder and I was to the point where I hoped I would be caught!! I really don't want to hurt my H, if that makes sense because I do love him and dont want to cause him pain. Its as though I have this separate life with OM and can protect my H from finding out. OM is not blameless either- he cheated on me at one point and lied to me about it. I know I have no right to be mad but it still hurt. This was not recently but it still bothers me. Also OM and I have made all these plans and he is so excited and wants to marry me as soon as I get divorced. We have made plans to move in together as soon as I file for divorce.

 

I honestly thought I was ready to leave my marriage. I rarely slept with my H anymore, had no emotional connection to him etc. Until I told him about that i want a divorce and started packing to leave. Now I am panicking and all these loving strong feelings for H are coming back!! I was going through pictures trying to decide which ones to leave him and in all these pictures we look so happy and I start crying. I don't want to hurt him. I know if I stay I will always wonder if there is more out there. I am lonely being with him because he is never around. OM filled that void. But I think of all the history with my H and all the holidays spent in our house and our rituals and the sweet things he's done for me and I can't let that go for some reason!! instead of being happy to see OM, I can't wait to get home to my H. I cling to him. He doesn't want to divorce but I dont' know if he will put any effort into fixing the marriage and if I tell him about OM , he will hate me (even though he's cheated in the past). So basically my M is over anyway. I try to decide if I will be happy with my H alone, and I dont' know if I would be.

 

I should be so happy that OM wants to be with me and we have all these plans to move in together and get married and I should be estatic but suddenly I'm not so interested in OM. I keep finding faults with him and if we dont' talk for a day (I don't call him) it bothers him but I really don't mind. I actually feel some relief that I dont have to deal with him. I feel horrible saying this about a man I was sure I loved so much. But now faced with leaving my H and my home to start a new adventure with OM, OM just isn't as appealing as he used to be. I know I deserve both of them to dump me and to be alone!! But why am I feeling this way? can anyone offer some insight as to why when faced with divorce and leaving my H who has hurt me in hte past and obviously I was disatisfied with him for a long time, to be with OM who I was in love with and always felt closer to him than I've felt to my H why can't I just leave and be with OM? Why does OM seem not so appealing anymore? Why did I make all these plans with him (plans I sincerely wanted to follow through with at the time) and now I'm terrified about moving in with him and getting divorced?

 

Why don't I want OM as much anymore even though he's offering me everything I've ever thought I wanted?

[Owl]

Why don't I want OM as much anymore even though he's offering me everything I've ever thought I wanted?

 

Because the fantasy is alway soooo much sweeter than the reality.

 

And deep down, you know this.

 

And right now...what you've shared with OM IS a fantasy. But you're afraid of how this is going to go when it becomes reality.

 

Add to that the sheer weight of seven years of marriage...its hard to break that inertia.

 

I don't have much in the way of sage advice...your choices are pretty simple.

 

Either continue down the path you're headed...divorce...and be with OM. OR...put the divorce on hold, see what can be done to salvage your marriage. Just realize this...and this is probably the BIGGEST thing holding you back right now...one way or another...you're going to HAVE TO give up one or the other. Either OM or your H is no longer going to be a part of your life going forward...

 

The problem is that you have to make that decision.

[NewSunrise]

You're not done with your M. You used your H's cheating as a "license" to cheat and and get even.

 

Your OM filled a "void" that wasn't being filled by your H or M. You saw your M as "half" empty rather than half full. When you take out the fantasy of the OM, the real honest to goodness truth comes out which is your love for your H. It was always there.

 

No one deserves to be a recipient of any cheater. Easier to say, you don't deserve either men. The fact of the matter is NO ONE deserves to be in either position. You do not deserve to be in any meaningful relationship even if you were not married.

 

BUT, the fact remains is that you are very much married. That marriage DESERVES to be given a shot. And it seems you're willing to remain married. So decide if you and your H are willing to fill up cup.

 

Bottom line: You and your H did NOTHING to repair your marriage. So time took care of your marriage. You both cheated.

 

Bottom line: DECIDE which relationship you want to nurture. You do NOTHING and time will decide it for you.

[stampdaddy]

Because the fantasy is alway soooo much sweeter than the reality.

 

And deep down, you know this.

 

And right now...what you've shared with OM IS a fantasy. But you're afraid of how this is going to go when it becomes reality.

 

Add to that the sheer weight of seven years of marriage...its hard to break that inertia.

 

I don't have much in the way of sage advice...your choices are pretty simple.

 

Either continue down the path you're headed...divorce...and be with OM. OR...put the divorce on hold, see what can be done to salvage your marriage. Just realize this...and this is probably the BIGGEST thing holding you back right now...one way or another...you're going to HAVE TO give up one or the other. Either OM or your H is no longer going to be a part of your life going forward...

 

The problem is that you have to make that decision.

 

I do... Sage is a wonderful herb to use in making stuffings for Thanksgiving.. Store in a damp paper towel inside a plastic bag in the fridge for up to 5 days, or you can buy dried sage in a jar..

[lkjh]

Either way you have to come clean! Like you said your H suspects something but with no solid proof and that is like torture.

[NewSunrise]

I do... Sage is a wonderful herb to use in making stuffings for Thanksgiving.. Store in a damp paper towel inside a plastic bag in the fridge for up to 5 days, or you can buy dried sage in a jar..

I just painted part of my bathroom wall sage. Ahhh...sooo spa looking.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if you are dealing with two entirely separate questions:

1. Do I want to stay married to my husband?

2. Do I want to be in a serious, permanent, exclusive relationship with the other guy?

 

Those are not related in any way except, perhaps, in your own mind. That is, you are totally entitled to decide that neither one of them has what it takes to support and encourage your long-term happiness and personal fulfillment.

 

Staying with an unsuitable husband will be as unpleasant and depleting as choosing another unsuitable partner. (So) I'd encourage you to make a decision that will best serve YOUR OWN needs, desires and goals.

 

If it is that you are simply missing the strength and courage to "get out there" and become completely self-reliant, then perhaps you'll want to consider building those inner resources, self-confidence, personal skills, etc. ...whatever you will need to fully take charge of your own life, and be able to create and support your own happy experiences.

 

Best of luck.

[lkjh]

You were living in a fantasy world, everything was fake with the OM and now its about to become a reality. It is the same thing when a 10 year old girl pictures her future wedding; its just fantasy.

[jwi71]

Your moniker says it all and is the problem.

 

You must choose between a shattered marriage or the OM.

 

Maybe you can be honest with your H (and I mean go to MC and divulge your A) and rediscover why you married him.

 

Or file for divorce. And run off with your OM.

 

Either path is hard...but not deciding is far than either...

[jwi71]

Your moniker says it all and is the problem.

 

You must choose between a shattered marriage or the OM.

 

Maybe you can be honest with your H (and I mean go to MC and divulge your A) and rediscover why you married him.

 

Or file for divorce. And run off with your OM.

 

Either path is hard...but not deciding is far worse than either alone or combined...

 

EDITED for content

[2sure]

I'd like to smack all three of you.

 

That being said, You sound like a person her has problems making decisions. Being one myself, I'm not bashing, you sound self aware enough to recognize this for yourself. So, I'm sure you have heard this before:

 

IF YOU DONT MAKE A DECISION, ONE WILL BE MADE FOR YOU

 

You have to come to terms that A) You can no longer control the lives of the other two people involved and B) You cannot do this alone because you are not alone.

 

You are having a problem walking away from your marriage because you know in your heart that for the last three years you havent been trying. You have to come clean with your H, starting from the reason for his own affair and why you both decided to stay with the marriage then. You two have to decide together where you want to go.

 

As for the OM, you are at this point keeping him as a safety net in the event your H rejects you. We cant keep everyone we love in our lives.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your situation typifies the typical roller coaster of emotions one goes through when having an affair. On the one hand you state that you've never felt closer to another man as you feel for the OM but, on the other hand when you looked at pictures of you and your husband in times past you seemed so happy together. I'd say that your affair has caused you to rewrite history a bit because if you search back in your mind to the happiest moments in your life shared with your husband you'll find that you did experience the same warmth, love, giddiness, security, or contentment that you're now feeling with the OM. The day your husband proposed to you, your wedding day, the birth(s) of your children, special vacations taken together, and other moments of endearment fall short in comparison to the new feelings emoted with the OM only because they're new.

 

One thing you fail to realize is that, until your husband's affair, your lives were pretty balanced. Some days better than others, some worse, but the extreme highs and lows of your relationship came so far and few between that in total you were at least satisfied to pursue your marriage into the future unbidden. When your husband indulged in his affair it rocked and devestated your world bringing into question over time how you felt about him and your marriage. From what I gather, your OM intercepted you at this emotionally low and confused state and rocketed you up to the same emotional high you felt, say, when you said "I do" on your wedding day. You've never experienced this abrupt and extreme transition of emotional states with your husband so, in your confused state of mind, associated this heightened thrill with the classic "soul mate" syndrome so many other posters lament about. The fact of the matter is, if you were completely healed and back in love with your husband before the OM came into the picture, the high(s) you felt in the affair would have been equally comparable to the moments you experienced to your husband in the past.

 

Of course it doesn't help that your husband is a workaholic or that real effort was never made to heal and deeply reconnect after his affair which left you vulnerable to the situation you find yourself in today. Your reticence to move forward in an exclusive relationship with the OM is testament to the fact that you still carry deep feelings for your husband and recognize that maybe, with the right encouragement, those highs you felt with him can be achieved again.

 

Luckily for you, your moral fiber kicked in and admonished you to slow your roll and assess your situation more critically. The fact that you've taken the time to truly see the faults that lie within your OM tells me that your "sixth sense" has flagged those aspects of his being that you know deep down are terminally incompatible with you and caused you to really think about what you're about to sacrifice.

 

The real problem you face is the problem that needed to be faced all along and that is where you're at emotionally with your husband's infidelity. You've compounded this problem with infidelity of your own which may greatly impede your effort to repair your marriage now. Dishonesty, mistrust, and lack of communication have now crept into the core essence of your marriage and it is nigh time to correct these issues if you ever want to truly remain married to your husband!

 

Good luck.

[NewSunrise]

I'd like to smack all three of you.

:laugh::laugh:!!!!

 

Need an extra pair of hands?:laugh:

[bentnotbroken]

Your H didn't lead you anywhere. You led yourself. Willing and with hidden malice.

[frannie]

I think there's a lot of fear here. You married your H, and three years into the marriage he cheated on you, and there doesn't seem to have been much work done to heal from that. He's also quite distant from you, working long hours.

 

I would say that you think forward to being with your OM, talk of marriage and moving in, and that would scare you. I think it's too soon, to opressive to your thoughts, although in many senses it's what you want.

 

I think you're wondering what would happen if you leave this safe though stale environment, start again, and the OM cheats on you. He's done it once before and lied to you, right?

 

I think you need to find the courage in yourself to be your own person, stand on your own feet, and become stronger emotionally and not so reliant on the marriage and happy-ever-after ideal as the thing that will save and support you. That way, you can think of the future with optimism and hope, rather than fear and dread, which you seem to be currently.

 

I think you also need to tell OM this, if you're actually thinking of leaving: that while marriage is a goal, it won't be your immediate plan. That you need to find out who you are, and have some time to 'recover' from things you haven't yet dealt with. I think that's fair enough, even though as I type it I can see that a lot of OM and OW on this forum have become very unhappy dealing with newly-separated partners who really DO NEED that time to readjust to single life.