He wants to be my friend

[sigh]

I declared NC, he wants to be friends.

A few of my friends (who are not his biggest fans) think he sounds sincere.

I'm sure it wouldn't be best friends, just talking on the phone every once in a while, texts and IMs like it has been for the past few months without any references to anything s*xual.

Any thoughts, ideas or opinions?

[jj33]

Oh Sigh. Dont do it. Not yet.

 

This is about you. Not him. You declared NC because you want it. He didnt respect it, tried you think to get you into a 3 some...

 

Thisi is not what YOU want. that is all that matters.

 

And even if you are on the fence dont do it. He is the type that will worm his way back in..

 

And that is not what you want.

 

Hang tough

[sigh]

You don't think he could legitimately want a friendship?

Supposedly it was never about the sex for him.

Thanks for responding. Your advice has been so helpful through this.

[jj33]

He may but what about your feelings?

[lkjh]

You are fooling yourself into believing he wants to be friends. He does not want to be friends, he wants some action on the side.

[Reggie]

Check with his spouse first and see if the "friends " thing is okay with her.

[sigh]

You are fooling yourself into believing he wants to be friends. He does not want to be friends, he wants some action on the side.

 

We were actually friends for quite a while before anything else ever happened.

[whichwayisup]

just talking on the phone every once in a while, texts and IMs like it has been for the past few months without any references to anything s*xual.

 

What's the point? What good is going to come of this? What do you think you're going to get out of a very casual friendship with him?

 

You still have TONS of feelings for him, so no friendship is going to work. You'll have some sort of expectation, let alone get MORE attached to him emotionally.

 

It just sounds like an ego feed, for both of you. He isn't leaving his wife, yet he IS open to the idea of having you back as the OW, whether it be emotional or physical.

 

Being friends IS going to prevent you from healing, letting go of him, and also you won't be ready to meet anyone else, because noone else WILL compare to him.

 

Don't do it, even though your friends say he seems sincere, they do NOT know his motives nor his intentions.

 

Go back and re-read all your previous threads, remember the pain. Is that what you want?

[sigh]

He may but what about your feelings?

 

I do not know. All I do know is that I can not go back to what it was. I can not do that to myself or his W. His friendship has always meant a lot to me though.

[whichwayisup]

We were actually friends for quite a while before anything else ever happened.

 

You can't go back. Makes no difference if you two 'used' to be (platonic) friends, NOW you two aren't. Too much has happened, alot of pain and heartache, let alone anger and resentment.

 

His friendship meant alot to you, but you both have crossed lines and it became a selfish friendship, not a healthy and open one.

[jj33]

tell him you need time. Tell him you value his friendship immensely and would never want to lose that but he needs to understand that the relationship was a big deal for you and you are not ready yet to move into friendship mode.

 

He cares about you and he will get that. If he presses, it means that he wants to be more than friends. if he respects it, you know you have a true friend.

 

If he contacts you again and you are not ready tell him you need more time. I think it could take up to a year or so to be friends.

 

And again trading emails etc for all of us its because we miss having them in our lives. Not because we are really and truly ready to be lets go out with your wife friends.

 

Maybe someday (we all live in hope) but not yet.

 

Hang in there you are doing great.

[jj33]

And as for the "it was never about sex for him"... then why cheat on your wife? (not judging just saying...)

 

For many men sex is a way of bonding. And the closer you re-bond, it could be hard not to solidify that bond between the sheets.

 

Its way way too soon. Its hard because you have been friends for so many years but you need time to heal.

 

And even if he never ever wants to get naked with you again (which I dont believe) why go back to a close friendship before you are emotionally ready. It doesnt make sense from your perspective.

 

hes been your friend for a long time. You are not going to lose him. You need to be really good to yourself now and do what is going to get you past this.

[sigh]

tell him you need time. Tell him you value his friendship immensely and would never want to lose that but he needs to understand that the relationship was a big deal for you and you are not ready yet to move into friendship mode.

 

He cares about you and he will get that. If he presses, it means that he wants to be more than friends. if he respects it, you know you have a true friend.

 

If he contacts you again and you are not ready tell him you need more time. I think it could take up to a year or so to be friends.

 

And again trading emails etc for all of us its because we miss having them in our lives. Not because we are really and truly ready to be lets go out with your wife friends.

 

Maybe someday (we all live in hope) but not yet.

 

Hang in there you are doing great.

 

It makes me wonder if maybe that's why he wanted me to meet his W. To bring me into his life as a legitimate friend.

I feel so clueless and I am usually on top of everything.

[jj33]

It may be. But even if it is, you are still entitled to do it on your time frame.

 

Friendship is a 2 way street. If you broke your leg and he wanted you to go skiing but your doctor said wait at least 6 months after your cast has come off,

 

Would you go sooner because it might be OK and you wanted to go skiing?

 

No. You would wait because you wouldnt want to take a chance with your leg.

 

Give your heart the same chance.

 

Big hug

[whichwayisup]

It makes me wonder if maybe that's why he wanted me to meet his W. To bring me into his life as a legitimate friend.

 

So, how is that good for you? You get to be around a guy who you love and want, watch him still be married up close and personal, get the friendship out in the open.. Who's that better for? You or him? How on earth can you get over him with him still in your life? How can you even be open to meeting someone else, letting them into your heart when you're still very much into the MM?

[jj33]

WWIU - exactly. That is exactly the point.

[jj33]

And Sigh look at some of your old posts. Its a good way to remember WHY you started the NC in the first place. As I recall he really put you through the wringer emotionally over the past month or 2.

 

You are just starting to get past this. Dont do a U turn now.

[sigh]

And Sigh look at some of your old posts. Its a good way to remember WHY you started the NC in the first place. As I recall he really put you through the wringer emotionally over the past month or 2.

 

You are just starting to get past this. Dont do a U turn now.

 

You are right. He did get kind of strange, showing up where he knew I was and things of that nature.

Also, when we were doing our thing, he always encouraged me dating and finding someone, but whenever I did, he kept telling me why they were not right for me. Would that change if we were to remain friends?

[NoIDidn't]

Can't be friends. You will want more, he will tell you he can't - but allow you to be the OW - because you are friends and he is married. Its the perfect set up for him.

 

Friends hardly ever works out for the OW. It usually hurts you more. And if you had actually met his W and she didn't know that you were sleeping with her H at one point, you would have stepped into some SERIOUS do-do. Its also never a good idea to meet the W under the pretenses of only being a friend.

 

Put the shoe on the other foot for a second. Let's say you are with this guy in an exclusive R. Things are just moseying along and you don't know he's cheating on you - but he is - and he introduces you to his "friend". They've stopped sleeping together, but they still talk frequently and because you met her, you feel obligated not to control his friendships. THEN, you find out about the previous sexual relationship. How would YOU feel towards her? How would you feel about your boyfriend having done this with her to you?

 

The "friends" thing is just a landmine. One that one of you WILL step on one day and things WILL blow up in your face when you do.

[jj33]

Sigh he misses you and he is trying to do everything in his power to keep you in his life.

 

Thats great for him.

 

Bad bad bad for you.

 

He wanted you to date other people while you were together and then dissed the people you met? No. It would not change and even if it would what about your heart?

 

This is an accident waiting to happen.

 

And as No I didnt said, you really cant be friends with his wife.

 

Very very bad form to do that. its very unfair to the W. You would never have a real friendship with her. This VERY big dangerous hurtful secret would always bind you and MM.

 

Its another way of making you co conspirators, keeping you a secret.

 

Dont do it.

[sigh]

Sigh he misses you and he is trying to do everything in his power to keep you in his life.

 

Thats great for him.

 

Bad bad bad for you.

 

He wanted you to date other people while you were together and then dissed the people you met? No. It would not change and even if it would what about your heart?

 

This is an accident waiting to happen.

 

And as No I didnt said, you really cant be friends with his wife.

 

Very very bad form to do that. its very unfair to the W. You would never have a real friendship with her. This VERY big dangerous hurtful secret would always bind you and MM.

 

Its another way of making you co conspirators, keeping you a secret.

 

Dont do it.

 

I agree. Meeting W would be so bad for her and me. What if I grew to really like her? That would make my guilt a million times worse for what happened. Also if she did find out, it would be so much worse for her to find out if we bonded rather then if she somehow found out not knowing me. Does that make sense?

We went NC for a few months before, I declared it and he respected it and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I am just so frightened of that again

[jj33]

Unfortunately that is the way it is. In order to break the tie you need to not be in touch with him not have the little emails the texts etc. otherwise the bond doesnt break and you are vulnerable to going back into it.

 

I know that when MM and I were in touch it was very difficult. Being out of touch at the beginning was even more difficult just speaking for work and not talking at all personally used to kill me.

 

Now I just look at it differently. What we had cant go on so this is the only answer. Getting too friendly always leads things down the wrong path.

 

I think its different for Nora Jane. A call every few months is very different from staying in weekly or bi weekly contact by email and text. Theirs is more a catch up its not the same as being in someone's life on a constant basis.

 

Sorry babe but you have to bite the bullet on this one if you really want to get past it.Its something you do when you are ready. But youve gotten this far, why go backwards.

 

He hurt you really badly. You deserve the time to heal, regardless of what he wants.

[lkjh]

We were actually friends for quite a while before anything else ever happened.

 

 

Look, he does not want to be friends, you can trick yourself into believing that your friendship means so much to him but it doesn't. He just wants to keep you around so one day he can get some action on the side. Everyone always warns women that the guy is not just a friend but you all never get it.

[pkn06002]

Don't do it, I tried this and the pain it caused is just not worth it. You cannot go back into the friend zone.

 

You will just become one of several things.

 

1) A backup plan

2) That "friend" where you will hear everything and get hurt beyond belief.

 

It is a loser idea that sounds good only on paper.

[jj33]

And I am living proof of that.

 

Nothing like having a telephone conversation with xMM where W is chiming in sitting next to him to remind you of the way things are....