hayworth24 Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Here's my story. I am dating a separated MM (separated 3 years). My friend and his sister set us both up last year. Keep in mind that I have known of him since the 4th grade. I used to walk by his house every day after school and never really interacted wtih him. Mainly friends with his sister. I have seen him over the years and he would always smile at me and I just totally ignored him. He originally wasn't my "type". So when everyone told me what a great guy his is and how horrible his marriage was - Mommy Dearest/Crazy Cuban wife, I decided to take a chance. The Wife is very demanding and being around her is like walking on eggshells. I have heard this from all of his family members. She got pregnant 15 years ago and he decided to do "the right thing" so he married her at the courthouse. They have two kids who are now 13 and 14. Over the years he and the Wife have been separated 5 different times. This most recent separation has been for three years. He has filed the papers, but he feels really sorry for her because she has no job skills and is a stay at home mom. I understand there is financial worries with his income and the current housing market, but he has not moved forward with anything further. His sister says, "Sweetie, this is how I was too in my divorce. I felt soo bad for my ex, but eventually something clicked and I did it. He will do it too just be patient. He really loves you and I have never seen him like this with any woman EVER". I was hesitant to get involved but he and they assured me it was over. Last June 2007 when we started dating and eventually fell in love it was like connecting with my other half. He said I was his soulmate and he was never this happy. He is respectful, loving, passionate, sweet and he never broke a date or mistreated me. However...... The one area we struggled with is that I am a pretty good communicator and he is the strong silent type. In March 2008 I decided to leave the situation because of our struggle with communication and not moving forward with the divorce and I was frustrated. I loved him very much and this was very hard for me. He said this was very "Traumatic" for him. We crossed paths in July 2008 and started talking again. I was probably more the one that pushed for the reconciliation. He said he was so hurt by my leaving him and that his guard is up. This has caused tension in our normally loving connection. I find myself doubting that I should be with this person, because he can't get past my leaving and I am getting less patient with his situation and his "clamming" up. So, do I stay with a wonderful man that has had a very sucky time with this crazy woman and just let time tell what happens? Or do I walk away and find someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Hes been separated for 3 years? So they are living separately and he is supportingthe family? Then there is no reason for papers not to be filed. He can agree to support her via alimony for the rest of his life if that is what makes sense to him because of her lack of job skills. But if he is already supporting 2 households, then the finances are not the reason he has not divroced. he feels emotionally bound and is not ready to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 JJ has it right. It makes no sense that he will not pull the plug after a 3 year seperation. And, if he is the "strong silent "type(re unable to communicate his feelings and emotions) this does not bode well for a fulfilling relationship. I would imagine it would get lonely if he is this uncommunicative. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 The "strong silent type" comment made me chuckle. No such thing. Just means he can't communicate his feelings so he just says and does nothing. Not a good trait in a man, for me personally. What makes a man leave? Him wanting to. If he hasn't already, its because he doesn't want to. If you are thinking that there is something you can do to help him along, you'd be wrong. He has to do it himself. Separations can go on forever if the couple lets them. He has to want to finalize things or it won't feel right to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hayworth24 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 Hi. Thanks for the comments. I appreciate them. I am not surprised by what everyone writes. Lately I have actually been thinking of telling him to move back home to his wife and two kids. He rents a house in the same town. I am about 40 minutes away. You are all right. I know in my heart and my gut that he has to want to finalize things. I have this feeling that even though they don't get along, he still thinks things will change. He has never said this, but I am starting to not respect him and his inability to pull the plug. I told him if its that bad and she was so awful, why doesn't he just get it over with. All he says is "I know I need to". I told him, don't do this for me or anyone else. If you do finalize things, it needs to be for yourself. Even if I am not around, it needs to be because you are ready. I have been thinking of telling him to either 1) Go save his marriage or 2) live in limbo, but I cannot live this way any longer. It will SUCK and hurt very much, but I feel like I am losing out on an available man. I know I am a "catch" but let me say that my heart is so tied to this person, so I am still trying to talk myself into this scenario and be strong. Once I do this, I have to stick to my guns. Now that is going to be hard, but its the right thing to do I know. Goodbyes suck!! Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 It doesnt have to be goodbye forever. Maybe he will grow a pair and take a stand. And then you will respect him again and you can get back together. But if deep in your heart you think that he is wondering if he is thinking things may someday change with his wife, then you do need to let it go. That is not the hallmark of an available man. You are as you said a catch. You deserve better than to be someone's half way house while he waits for his wife to come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I dont think its your place to tell him to go to move back with his wife....That is his choice... I would not mention this. Just walk away for now and tell him if and when he is able to give you a relationship you deserve to look you up... Let him figure this out himself... Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I have been thinking of telling him to either 1) Go save his marriage or 2) live in limbo, but I cannot live this way any longer. The trouble is, that this man has no idea how to communicate, even if he knew what he wanted to do and was the kind of man who acts on his decisions. So he is likely always to default to 'limbo', which will drive you absolutely crazy. I'm not saying this to criticise him. He might be a wonderful man in other respects, but you're probably asking the almost-impossible of him. And I wonder whether you're at all suited. Really, all those years ago when you used to walk by his house and not give him a second thought because he 'wasn't your type', maybe you were right then? I think you need to ask yourself if you really love him as he is and can put up with his personality. Or is there a way you can work round his way of being? Or is it better to just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 For the men...what makes a man really leave W? Pretty simple. It's when his desire to leave overcomes his fear of leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Like Carhill says...its real simple. He leaves when it is better than staying as measured by whatever criteria are important to him (not you). Link to post Share on other sites
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