Is anyone here friends with their ex MM?

[dreamy1945]

Just wondering if you saved your friendship and if so how's it going?

[jj33]

I am in touch with him for work and its fine. He is very supportive of me in business and I of him.

 

We do not get together socially anymore. that would be a big big mistake. The only thing that leads to (we have tried it every few months) is nostalgia and should we get back together. And the answer to that is no.

 

Every situation is different but I think its very difficult to really be friends with someone in that situation unless you are happy and seeing someone else and clearly unavailable to get back into the A.

 

Its possible to still have friendly feelings but spending time socializing one on one seems to be very dangerous.

 

Dreamy how long ago did you stop seeing each other?

 

I have been out of the A for a year and it still isnt possible for us to socialize without the old feelings creeping back in. I would be very very careful.

 

If its you that wants to be friends, look at your motives. If its because you miss him that in itself tells you to stay away.

 

If he is saying lets be friends and you still have feelings for him then say no or you could find youself swept back in.

[jj33]

The other thing is "friends" is a relative term. Everyone says oh but lets be friends.

 

These men are married. Does that mean going to his house for dinner with him and his wife? Going out to dinner with them? Going to the movies with them? etc etc.

 

No it does not.

 

How can you be friends in a real sense where you socialize. You can have lunch every few months but you can be pretty sure he wont be tellling his wife.

 

You can email each other again you can be sure its a secret...

 

Its a difficult road.

 

So it seems to me that you can have pleasant feelings for one another but really really friends where you actually socialize in the open. Highly unlikely.

 

If MM and I did not have business in common we would not see each other at all. We would still have fond feelings but there would be no contact. There is simply no basis for it where it would not have to be a "secret".

[KismetGirl]

The other thing is "friends" is a relative term. Everyone says oh but lets be friends.

 

These men are married. Does that mean going to his house for dinner with him and his wife? Going out to dinner with them? Going to the movies with them? etc etc.

 

No it does not.

 

How can you be friends in a real sense where you socialize. You can have lunch every few months but you can be pretty sure he wont be tellling his wife.

 

You can email each other again you can be sure its a secret...

 

Its a difficult road.

 

So it seems to me that you can have pleasant feelings for one another but really really friends where you actually socialize in the open. Highly unlikely.

 

If MM and I did not have business in common we would not see each other at all. We would still have fond feelings but there would be no contact. There is simply no basis for it where it would not have to be a "secret".

 

I agree with JJ. The "friends" thing never works in these cases, unless MAYBE you are happily in another relationship and have no real desire to recconect with the MM romantically, AND their wife never knew of your affair to begin with.

 

Me and my MM tried to be "just friends" after not speaking for a year. He obviously couldnt tell his wife he was seeing me for lunch, hell, he won't even be on my friend's list on bloody facebook.com because she also has a profile on there and would see that me and him are speaking.

 

And anyway, our "just friends" lunches quickly became full of awkward tension, and then lunch turns into a surprise visit at my aprtment because he was "in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi", and before you know it, its almost a year later and you're sleeping together again.

 

yeah, so, highly unlikely that you can stay just friends with a person after an affair....very very rare case where either it was really JUST a brief physical affair AND the wife doesn't know that you were his OW at one point AND you are in your own happy relationship and not tempted to get back with the MM. But otherwise, it just isn't that feasible, IMO....I think its easy to get sucked into the notion of "oh lets be friends", because you still care about the person and miss seeing them and rationalize that if you can't BE with them, at least being "friends" would satiate some of that longing for not being with them, but it never does....it's another half-assed attempt to fullfill a void, just like the A fullfills a void, and in the end, they both make the void even bigger than it started out....

[Angel1111]

I'm still friends with xMM. We talk at least once a week, if not more. Admittedly, this 'friendship' is based on us missing one another. He lives out of town but when he's here, we go out to dinner. It is a dangerous game because it's hard not to be with him. The last time he was here, talked because we were upset with one another. This was because he keeps trying to draw me back in and then keep me at arms length, and he thinks I keep hurting him. So, 'friends' is a lose term with us because we're still very much emotionally involved. He said that he loves coming here so that he can see me and it's not all about the sex. Still, that's always between us.

 

I never intend to stop trying to make our friendship work - and neither does he - so we'll just have to keep working on it. I can't imagine life without him in it in some way. It would be a huge loss and I'm not willing to go there.

[jj33]

Totally agree KG.

 

The thing is where real feelings are involved they dont just evaporate. MM asked me a month ago to try again. We have not said a word to each other about anything other than work since that evening. And have not actually spoken in weeks.

 

But does that mean that if we went to dinner the same thing wouldnt happen again? of course not. That little intro came out of the blue really.

 

Well not really because I knew he still had feelings for me but we have been apart for well over a year. And still... its not just friends.

 

The feelings become buried but not quite in the way they would for other people you date because the possibility of going back to what you had is always there if both of you are willing to do that again.

 

Its not like breaking up with a single person where one of you decided the other one wasnt for you. Others will say yes he did he stayed with his wife but the opportunity to have the same type of a relationship, an affair, is still there if thats what you both want.

 

And you might say you dont want it but if you are in contact with him, hes being sweet and funny and caring and all the things he was before...

 

its a slippery slope.

 

I live with the fact that xMM will likely try again and again to reignite the affair. But I know that its not good for me so I am not going back. If we started having dinners etc or lunches or chatting on the phone about personal things would I fall back into it? Its a possibility. So I dont even let myself go there.

[jj33]

Angel my point exactly. Its based on missing each other. Its not about him saying hey my W and I are going to be in town next month how about the 3 of us have dinner. And its very difficult to keep a sufficient distance. Its a delicate dance.

 

I imagine that when MM retires we wont be in contact anymore. We might but its hard to imagine the basis for it. He has a place in town just a mile or 2 away from me. Far enough that we dont pass each other on the street and our lives would be unlikely to be intertwined anymore. Not that he is planning to retire anytime soon so far as I know.

[Angel1111]

Angel my point exactly. Its based on missing each other. Its not about him saying hey my W and I are going to be in town next month how about the 3 of us have dinner. And its very difficult to keep a sufficient distance. Its a delicate dance.

 

I imagine that when MM retires we wont be in contact anymore. We might but its hard to imagine the basis for it. He has a place in town just a mile or 2 away from me. Far enough that we dont pass each other on the street and our lives would be unlikely to be intertwined anymore. Not that he is planning to retire anytime soon so far as I know.

 

Regardless of the relationship I have with him where others are concerned isn't relevant to me. He and I are friends - it's got nothing to do with anyone else. That's more of a bond between us than anything and it's real.

[KismetGirl]

Regardless of the relationship I have with him where others are concerned isn't relevant to me. He and I are friends - it's got nothing to do with anyone else. That's more of a bond between us than anything and it's real.

 

 

 

I think what JJ meant is that your "friendship" is not a platonic friendship in the sense that you don't desire each other. It's based perhaps on you two missing each other's company, and the "friendship" is second best to an actual relationship, but sinc ea relationship is perhaps a bad idea, you settle for a friendship as opposed to cutting off contact completely.

 

Hey, i dig it. I know how you feel. I cant imagine a life without MM in it, knowing he is 15 minutes away and not being able to speak to him. Its part of the reason I caved after a year of NC, calling him and agreeing we should try to be friends. It just didnt work too well, apparently....

[Angel1111]

I think what JJ meant is that your "friendship" is not a platonic friendship in the sense that you don't desire each other. It's based perhaps on you two missing each other's company, and the "friendship" is second best to an actual relationship, but sinc ea relationship is perhaps a bad idea, you settle for a friendship as opposed to cutting off contact completely.

 

Hey, i dig it. I know how you feel. I cant imagine a life without MM in it, knowing he is 15 minutes away and not being able to speak to him. Its part of the reason I caved after a year of NC, calling him and agreeing we should try to be friends. It just didnt work too well, apparently....

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the foundation of our relationship is based on a deep bond of friendship - a genuine connection of mutual admiration, trust, and like. We feel like each other's best friend, if that makes any sense. Yes, there's passion, too. But that feeling of friendship runs very deep and is always at the forefront of everything else.

 

Just a few days ago, he told me that I can just about read his thoughts and finish his sentences. And we both totally love to laugh and find humor in just about everything. That's what I'm trying to say - that we're so similar to one another, think so much alike that it's sometimes like being with the best parts of myself when I'm around him. I know people say that opposites attract, but there's usually a lot of conflict with opposites. We don't conflict in so many key areas because we see things so similarly. Yet there's nothing boring about it. Very hard to find and very hard to let go of.

[KismetGirl]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the foundation of our relationship is based on a deep bond of friendship - a genuine connection of mutual admiration, trust, and like. We feel like each other's best friend, if that makes any sense. Yes, there's passion, too. But that feeling of friendship runs very deep and is always at the forefront of everything else.

 

Just a few days ago, he told me that I can just about read his thoughts and finish his sentences. And we both totally love to laugh and find humor in just about everything. That's what I'm trying to say - that we're so similar to one another, think so much alike that it's sometimes like being with the best parts of myself when I'm around him. I know people say that opposites attract, but there's usually a lot of conflict with opposites. We don't conflict in so many key areas because we see things so similarly. Yet there's nothing boring about it. Very hard to find and very hard to let go of.

 

 

Yeah.....I feel like that about my best guy friend and my MM. The only difference is that no matter how many platonic lunches or phone calls I have with MM, if I never saw him in private again for teh rest of my life, I would be madly in love with him underneath it all. And that is the difference between my firndship between "just a friend" and a friendship between you and someone you have a romantic history with. It's not the same, and it never will be. Just my opinion, of course.

[Angel1111]

Yeah.....I feel like that about my best guy friend and my MM. The only difference is that no matter how many platonic lunches or phone calls I have with MM, if I never saw him in private again for teh rest of my life, I would be madly in love with him underneath it all. And that is the difference between my firndship between "just a friend" and a friendship between you and someone you have a romantic history with. It's not the same, and it never will be. Just my opinion, of course.

 

Yep, I totally agree with that. Having a 'frendship only' relationship is very difficult because the passion and desire are always there.

[norajane]

Yes, we're friends. We don't talk frequently, but catch up with each other now and then, and im on occasion. He he lives elsewhere and travels for work, as always. He is divorced now, or divorcing, and he's moved across the country.

 

It's a nice relationship, friendly and flirtatious without intent. Kinda like it was before we let things get a little out of control all those years ago.

[Lizzie60]

Just wondering if you saved your friendship and if so how's it going?

 

I kept contact with most of them.. we exchanged emails (mostly jokes)..