I am not in a good place..

[ilovenewyork]

Hi there, I am a newbie desperately in search of answers, advice, anything I can glean to help me with the mess I am in.

 

I am a 34 year old married woman. Been with my hubby and faithful for 18 years. We both met when we were seventeen. Been having an affair for seven months with a married friend of both me and my hubby. Known him 13 years. To cut a long story short the feelings we have for each other overwhelm us. I am sure you read this all the time but it's more than lust and the physical stuff, I feel genuine love for him and every minute apart from him is killing me. He feels the same way and we have talked at length about being together on a more permanent basis.

 

This affair has been so stressful (trying to fight my feelings, dealing with the guilt, double life etc) that I had to start on anti-depressants and have lost two stone. I couldn't eat, sleep or function. The tablets have helped and I am starting to feel more like myself. He has backed off, not put me under any pressure, whatever I have needed to get me through this bad time. He says he only wants my happiness even if that means my staying with my hubby.

 

The thing I am struggling with is this....things aren't bad at home, can't imagine life without my hubby, we have been together so long but not sure if that is familiarty or love. I do not find him attractive, our sex life is non-existent and feel like I need more than what I am getting from him. I need intellectual stimulation, I need culture, I need to no longer feel invisible.

 

My question is: Can you have an affair and still have feelings of love for your husband? Why can't I end my affair or leave my husband? I feel so stuck and it's killing me. I feel like I love two men but in such different ways. My husband I love as he is like my best friend, brother and husband rolled into one. I love the security of our home and the nice lifestyle we have. I will lose all that if I leave him. But life is too short to be unhappy and I am very very unhappy as I feel so stuck and don't know which way to turn.

 

My lover wants to be with me period but says his primary concern is my happiness and will respect whatever decision I make.

 

I truly feel in love with him.

 

Help!

Help!

[JooLee]

my 2 cents is to come clean to your husband and be with the person you are in love with.

sometimes things dont always work out the way you want to.

and you gotta live up to the mess that you're in.

you can pull through. just be strong.

there is no easy way of doing it, but your husband deserves to know.

[Reggie]

I can only speak hypothetically on this. But, I do not see how you can love your husband if you are willing to put him at such great risk for both emotional and physical harm.

On the physical harm, the risk is tow fold. The obvious one is the risk of STD's, although I saw that your sex life at home is not very active. But, if you are having relations with both men, you are exposing your H ot your affair partner's sexual history .

But, there are other health related risks associated with an affair. Most people that have not been the victim of infidelity may not understand the depth of the pain their actions will bring. We see television shows and movies, etc, that really, really downplay the extent of the devestation with the victim moving on relatively quickly and unscathed. I thought this was how it worked m as well, until I went through it.

The reality of the betrayal was much more damaging than I had imagined. There was a phenomenally rapid loss of weight and the inability to sleep. My job was affected and I almost lost my job. I was, quite frankly, suicidal and needed drugs.

So, I guess I find it difficult to understand how a person could feel love for another and still be willing to hurt them so grievously.

Divorce is readily available these days. There is no need to humiliate your spouse like this and undermine his self confidence and self esteem.

Experts say it takes a betrayed spuse 2-5 years to get back om track after a betrayl like this. Why, if you love your husband would you subject him to so much pain for so long a period of time> You did not have to go this route to pursue your happiness. You could have done the same thing cleanly and honorably.

[Spinning Head]

Affairs are very seductive! When you are in an affair, you literally are living in a bubble with that other person. Yes, it is very intoxicating that there is a person who listens to every word you say, notices changes to your hair or a new outfit, remembers events, etc. I think you get caught up in the excitement of the affair and the believe that the emotions and feelings that you experience in those stolen moments will continue for infinity.

 

Did you feel stuck or unhappy before the affair began? Do you think the other man will leave his wife and marriage for you? Reality is much different than fantasy and you have to be careful about the two when you have an affair.

[whichwayisup]

Are you willing to divorce your husband, reguardless if the MM divorces? You can't stay in the affair, it's just unfair to your husband, he deserves love from someone who isn't going to betray and hurt him in the worst way. He deserves the truth so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, give you a chance to fix things, and go to marriage counselling, or divorce. To stay married and continue your A is selfish. Sooner or later YOU need to decide who it is you want.

[frannie]

Hello,

 

Do you think you can ever find your husband attractive, or value him for anything other than what he provides? Do you think he can stimulate you in all the ways you are craving? Do you want him to?

 

Do you think that your OM can go through with a divorce, and provide you with the material comforts and stability that your H currently provides?

 

I would say the thing that stands out here is the OM who has given you 'space' and said he just wants you to be happy, even if it's with another man. While you're on anti-depressants, filled with guilt and losing weight and sleep... he seems a lot more able to cope here. And I wonder if, for all his dreaming of a future with you it's not something he would bring himself to achieve, even if you decided it was what you wanted.

 

I think the sanest thing to do is to work on your marriage, and see whether or not those things that are missing can be regained (or perhaps achieved for the first time with this man). That way, if it doesn't work out, you will feel a lot less guilty and awful about setting him and yourself free to pursue something more satisfying with new partners.

[lkjh]

First off the guy will not leave his wife for you! Read other threads on here, people always say that but when the time comes he will throw you under the bus. You may think he loves you but you are simply the OW to him. When everyone finds out about you two(they will) he will make it seem like you wouldn't leave him alone. Im sure your SO's have already picked up on something. They have been with you for along time and they know you.

 

Come clean to your H and be ready for whatever comes your way.

[jwi71]

Couple of options really.

 

1) Continue the A(ffair). Live a nice lifestyle on his paycheck and screw his friend behind his back. Continue to expose your H, your MM and his W to venereal disease and possibly even pregnancy. Continue to take meds, lose weight and, well suffer.

 

2) Go to MC. Tell your H of your A. Face the repercussions of your choice. You actually might have a chance at saving your M. You might even continue to have your lifestyle and have a happy marriage. Of course, he could also drop you like a heavy weight.

 

3) Divorce hubby. You have already betrayed him and indicate you only stay for the money, lifestyle and security. You also say you are not happy and have only one to live...so, be poor and happy or rich and unhappy? What'll it be?

 

4) Talk to hubby about being swingers or in an "open relationship". Now you can have your lifestyle and the "culture" you crave. Without the lies and secrecy. You can have your cake and eat it too.

 

I can see four paths for you. Each comes with it certain risks, certain benefits and certain costs as well. You must choose what you think is best for you. You will be tempted to choose number one because its the easiest for now. You feel its "costs" now - and it only gets worse. Your real options are numbers two or three.

[Mino]

First off the guy will not leave his wife for you! Read other threads on here, people always say that but when the time comes he will throw you under the bus. You may think he loves you but you are simply the OW to him. When everyone finds out about you two(they will) he will make it seem like you wouldn't leave him alone. Im sure your SO's have already picked up on something. They have been with you for along time and they know you.

 

Come clean to your H and be ready for whatever comes your way.

Thats such a generic answer and absolutly not true.. When I hear " your just the ow and he will not leave. You cant know that? So Honey... If you open your eyes a bit.you will see.. they do sometimes leave.. Every A is different.. So Please don't through it all in one hat... cause your WRONG:o

[Mino]

Couple of options really.

 

1) Continue the A(ffair). Live a nice lifestyle on his paycheck and screw his friend behind his back. Continue to expose your H, your MM and his W to venereal disease and possibly even pregnancy. Continue to take meds, lose weight and, well suffer.

 

2) Go to MC. Tell your H of your A. Face the repercussions of your choice. You actually might have a chance at saving your M. You might even continue to have your lifestyle and have a happy marriage. Of course, he could also drop you like a heavy weight.

 

3) Divorce hubby. You have already betrayed him and indicate you only stay for the money, lifestyle and security. You also say you are not happy and have only one to live...so, be poor and happy or rich and unhappy? What'll it be?

 

4) Talk to hubby about being swingers or in an "open relationship". Now you can have your lifestyle and the "culture" you crave. Without the lies and secrecy. You can have your cake and eat it too.

 

I can see four paths for you. Each comes with it certain risks, certain benefits and certain costs as well. You must choose what you think is best for you. You will be tempted to choose number one because its the easiest for now. You feel its "costs" now - and it only gets worse. Your real options are numbers two or three.

one more option. She could D and go to work, support herself so she wont be poor!!! Then she can be happy and rich!!!

[jwi71]

one more option. She could D and go to work, support herself so she wont be poor!!! Then she can be happy and rich!!!

 

I stand corrected .

[lkjh]

Thats such a generic answer and absolutly not true.. When I hear " your just the ow and he will not leave. You cant know that? So Honey... If you open your eyes a bit.you will see.. they do sometimes leave.. Every A is different.. So Please don't through it all in one hat... cause your WRONG:o

 

Ok fine the vast majority of the time they don't leave. Actually almost all of the time, just read through these threads if you want proof. My eyes are wide open and I have seen this exact same thread on here many times and almost always the OW/OM gets left behind. Every OM/OW wants to believe that somehow they are special and the MM or MW is going to runaway with them but 2 years down the road they are sitting alone wondering why.

[lkjh]

If you want more proof just go a couple of threads down and you will find a thread dedicated to why MM/MW don't leave

[D-Lish]

Life is so short, you're only 34. Go be with the man you love.

From the outside looking in the choice seems simpler I suppose, easier said than done. If you two are really in love- you should relieve your spouses and be together.

[Mino]

Ok fine the vast majority of the time they don't leave. Actually almost all of the time, just read through these threads if you want proof. My eyes are wide open and I have seen this exact same thread on here many times and almost always the OW/OM gets left behind. Every OM/OW wants to believe that somehow they are special and the MM or MW is going to runaway with them but 2 years down the road they are sitting alone wondering why.

So you say because of the posters threads you have read on LS since April 2008 majority dont leave? Hmm, That really cannot be used as a measuring stick.. since its about a dozens or so ow/om posting... 12 out of the millions that are surely out there, its kinda of hard to come up with the real numbers. Divorce rate is up to about 60% in the US. I know it takes time, (years) before a mm/mw takes the steps to leave. So its kinda of hard for you to make this assumption from only being here since April 2008. And even if you have been here before, the dozen or so that are here... is not enough "proof" for you to make such a blanket statement...

[Meaplus3]

Hi there, I am a newbie desperately in search of answers, advice, anything I can glean to help me with the mess I am in.

 

I am a 34 year old married woman. Been with my hubby and faithful for 18 years. We both met when we were seventeen. Been having an affair for seven months with a married friend of both me and my hubby. Known him 13 years. To cut a long story short the feelings we have for each other overwhelm us. I am sure you read this all the time but it's more than lust and the physical stuff, I feel genuine love for him and every minute apart from him is killing me. He feels the same way and we have talked at length about being together on a more permanent basis.

 

This affair has been so stressful (trying to fight my feelings, dealing with the guilt, double life etc) that I had to start on anti-depressants and have lost two stone. I couldn't eat, sleep or function. The tablets have helped and I am starting to feel more like myself. He has backed off, not put me under any pressure, whatever I have needed to get me through this bad time. He says he only wants my happiness even if that means my staying with my hubby.

 

The thing I am struggling with is this....things aren't bad at home, can't imagine life without my hubby, we have been together so long but not sure if that is familiarty or love. I do not find him attractive, our sex life is non-existent and feel like I need more than what I am getting from him. I need intellectual stimulation, I need culture, I need to no longer feel invisible.

 

My question is: Can you have an affair and still have feelings of love for your husband? Why can't I end my affair or leave my husband? I feel so stuck and it's killing me. I feel like I love two men but in such different ways. My husband I love as he is like my best friend, brother and husband rolled into one. I love the security of our home and the nice lifestyle we have. I will lose all that if I leave him. But life is too short to be unhappy and I am very very unhappy as I feel so stuck and don't know which way to turn.

 

My lover wants to be with me period but says his primary concern is my happiness and will respect whatever decision I make.

 

I truly feel in love with him.

 

Help!

Help!

 

If this mm was truely concearned about your happiness than he would divorce his wife and be with you period. You ask if you can still love your H and have an affair? IMO you don't hurt someone you love in the way you have.. think about that for a moment. Either come clean with your H and head to MC or grant your H a divorce so he can find happiness.

 

AP:)

[lkjh]

So you say because of the posters threads you have read on LS since April 2008 majority dont leave? Hmm, That really cannot be used as a measuring stick.. since its about a dozens or so ow/om posting... 12 out of the millions that are surely out there, its kinda of hard to come up with the real numbers. Divorce rate is up to about 60% in the US. I know it takes time, (years) before a mm/mw takes the steps to leave. So its kinda of hard for you to make this assumption from only being here since April 2008. And even if you have been here before, the dozen or so that are here... is not enough "proof" for you to make such a blanket statement...

First off, I have been reading these for a lot longer than 6 months. I just started posting since April. Second are you trying to say that I am wrong and most of the time they don't run back to their SO? A few desperate OW/OM want to believe that is the case but its not. People in most cases are not going to leave their family, home, and way of life. Proof is what you can go by not the hypothetical case that eventually when some people divorce their OW/OM could have or maybe played some part

[pelicanpreacher]

ilovenewyork, it is said that you cannot serve two masters so, no, you cannot love two men with the same unbidden desire and devotion. You've pointed out that you feel invisible in your marriage and I think the loneliness that situation presents has opened the opportunity for your temptation. I believe that you need to sit down with your husband to find out where his head and heart is for you might be shocked by his answer. Remember, he is living the same existence within your marriage as you are and may be feeling invisible as well! I'd advise that you both get into counseling to make a concerted effort to reconnect to determine options for your future. If there truly is nothing left of the marriage but the material comforts then be brave enough to make the hard decision to begin anew on your own but without the influence of an outside love interest providing impetus to your motivation.

[ilovenewyork]

Thanks for all your replies an advice.

 

I am truly ashamed of my actions believe me. I know I am a bad person and do not deserve my husband.

 

Yes..before the affair I was feeling 'is that is'??. To the extent that I cancelled the infertility treatment we were going through as I wasn't sure I even wanted a baby with him after all the hard work we had gone through.

 

I do love him though.

 

I am so confused and unhappy.

 

Thank you for your advice. Got some serious thinking to do.

 

I appreciate your honesty.

[ilovenewyork]

P.S I am English living in Yorkshire in the UK. I hope it's ok for me to use your forum. It's just fantastic! Thanks again.

 

P.P.S I don't think I explained myself properly regarding 'lifestyle'. It's most certainly not about living off my husband - we both earn the same. We started out with nothing and have slowly over the years built up what we have and now have a lovely home and are able to eat out, holiday etc. We both have worked very hard to achieve what we have. It's not about me living off him - sorry, it's my fault for not explaining myself properly.

[ilovenewyork]

P.P.S - I don't think I made myself clear regarding 'lifestyle'. We are not rich but any means. We both have worked very hard throughout the years to make a nice home and life for ourselves. We earn the same. It's not about living off him. What I meant was having started from nothing I really do appreciate what we have now as it's taken years and years to achieve it. By this I simply mean a home, a car, a holiday once a year and no major money worries.

 

I didn't explain myself properly sorry.

[ilovenewyork]

Hi, please read!!!!

 

I don't think I made myself clear regarding the lifestyle issue.

 

I do work full time and always have. I actually earn slightly more than my husband.

 

What I meant was we started out from nothing and over the years have worked hard to achieve what we have now. We are not rich by any means but have a home, a car, can afford to go on holiday, treat ourselves etc.

 

I have never lived off him, not worked or claimed a penny off the system. Never.

 

Sorry, I didn't explain myself properly.

[ilovenewyork]

Woops sorry! I am just getting the hang of this forum and posted my reply and it didn't work so tried twice more...and now there are three saying the same thing - apologies! I think you get my drift now.

[not_clever]

Hiya Ilovenewyork this is not just am american site. There are a few British posters on here. Yorkshire is nice!

[frannie]

Originally Posted by Mino

Thats such a generic answer and absolutly not true.. When I hear " your just the ow and he will not leave. You cant know that? So Honey... If you open your eyes a bit.you will see.. they do sometimes leave.. Every A is different.. So Please don't through it all in one hat... cause your WRONG

 

Ok fine the vast majority of the time they don't leave. Actually almost all of the time, just read through these threads if you want proof. My eyes are wide open and I have seen this exact same thread on here many times and almost always the OW/OM gets left behind. Every OM/OW wants to believe that somehow they are special and the MM or MW is going to runaway with them but 2 years down the road they are sitting alone wondering why.

 

What's funny about this is you're arguing with someone whose MM has left, even though he's been dithering. I think people see what they want to see on a forum. To you, the place is full of MM who don't leave. Personally I've been here longer than my username suggests too, and I've seen enough OW whose MM have left eventually to know that it definitely happens... just doesn't happen quickly enough for most. And so the majority of threads on here are posted over the years when the MM is umming and arring about what they're going to do.

 

Forums like this by their very nature are about when things go wrong. You aren't going to get anyone coming here to say, hey, you know what, everything has gone just swimmingly and I don't have a thing to complain about. Add to that the fact that if he does leave, and the OW comes back and reports on it, they get hammered by people saying well I hope you're satisfied now you disgusting homewrecker. Consequently, those 'success' stories aren't all over the board.

 

Similarly, for the MM/MW who is just getting their act together and leaving... they're not going to be the ones posting about how conflicted they are. The only ones you see on here (and Infidelity) are those who are worried about what they're going to do. So... it's all skewed towards the negative.

 

P.S I am English living in Yorkshire in the UK. I hope it's ok for me to use your forum. It's just fantastic! Thanks again.

 

Hello again ilny. I'm in England too, in the Midlands *waves*. There are a few of us on here