Oh man, I just don't know anymore...........

[livinginlimbo]

Having a weird kind of regret come over me lately. Me and MM have been back together about 2 months, after breaking up, going back to our respective spouses, and deciding that yes, it was each other we really wanted, not our exes. No question that we both love each other deeply. We are living together but most of his money goes to his ex and their child, and I expect this will be the situation for at least 2 more years. I don't need or want him to support me, so that's not the issue. I just have been experiencing a lot of doubts these past few days. He just finished working out his final separation agreement and seemed upset, so we ended up getting into a conversation about how we still miss some things about our exes, stuff we used to do with them, but not exactly being with our exes. It was an intense conversation, lots of tears from both of us. I don't know, I just am so tired of all the baggage, and don't know if I want to keep this up or start fresh with someone who can spend more time with me, not have these "guilt storms" every so often, and make me their priority, not taking care of their financial obligations to their ex. Yes, I am aware of how selfish that sounds. But I'm tired, weary of always sacrificing something, although I know he has made the ultimate sacrifice (not being in the home with his son). Is this normal? Am I a shrew? It's very likely he will not be divorced until his son starts school and his ex can work full time to get her own health insurance, this is just over two years away. I have these crazy impulses to just say "get out and leave me to have my own full life, you take care of all your BS and then afterwards, in two years, we can talk". But where would he go, really? No money, no family close by, no chance his ex will let him stay in the home again, even though he IS paying for the mortgage. Oh my God I feel so confused. I love him and want to support him through this, but I am starting to get overwhelmed by it all. He is so good to me, I feel obligated to be as good to him. But it's just so hard lately........... any words of wisdom?

[bentnotbroken]

What is it you are looking for? The end of the fairytale is what you have. Isn't that what you both wanted? Each other all the time? That means everything that goes with the person too.

[whichwayisup]

This is real life now, no more hiding behind the good stuff an affair has...Fun, fantasy, easy going and no real test.

 

You love him, stick it out and deal with the issues head on. Seek counselling to cope with your losses of your marriages. EACH of you have your baggage and it'll take time to work through that.

 

Another thing, I don't think EITHER of you are giving eachother 100%, working on building a new relationship with one another - So that makes it harder.

 

Maybe don't live with him, start dating and give eachother time and space. It's not normal to end a marriage, and then quickly start a new life with someone else.

 

One more thing, maybe what you two shared isn't as deep as you once thought or wanted...The feelings are based in an affair setting and there's not alot of history there, families, friends and lives entwined in everyway.. ALL that takes time to build and create.

[Dominique]

I agree with the above two posters. If this is love--true love--then you commit to the committment and you are going to have to weather some storms. You do not come this far and then say "I want to be with someone fresh without baggage, call me when you are truly free"--I mean, come on. It starts to sound a bit flakey after a while. If you truly do love him, keep your eye on the big picture.

 

You can meet someone new of course, but who is to say he will not be without baggage? You will start comparing your "MM" with him, and what if he--and the next and the next--fall short? Then again, you might meet someone wonderful. But the point is, you have stuck through thick and thin with this MM and there is a reason. Too much easy come easy go when the going gets rough is no way to conduct a personal life. (Not that being with an "MM" is a way to, but I am referring to the patience we must bring to love in any serious relationship...).

 

Why are you two back together so quickly? The best would be to be in a lighter NC--I guess it is called LC here--and just keep an eye on how things are going. Be reassuring, be there for him, and put yourself in his shoes from time to time as a check on your perspective.

 

You don't want to look back and think: "MM and I were almost there...If only I had been more understanding...."

 

DOM

[KismetGirl]

Well, you can't expect this time will be easy, no? Logistics often are in conflict with idealism, however, I guess.

 

Ideally you and MM should be living seperately to give each other the chance to normally date, REALLY get to know each other in a way that stolen moments in an affair don't let you have. You're out of a honeymoon phase right now, and he's likely having massive guilt panic attacks with respect to not being with his son full time, and possible even about hurting his wife, depending on how his relationship with her was before. He's probably financially strapped, and is having moments where despite how much he loves you, is wondering if this was really all worth it, because at the moment, the only good thing appears to be being with you, and that is going to seem dim sometimes compared to not being with his kid anymore, or accepting that that house he worked so hard his whole life to buy is no longer his, and on top of it, he's still paying for it. His whole comfortable family life is gone, and as wonderful as you may be, he's going to have moments when he wonders if you were worth it.

 

That's not to say you aren't worth it, or that you two can't have a future together that's very happy, and eventually everyone learns to adjust to this new way of liviing, BUT, the future is the future, and people live in the present and that is what is going to bear the most on him right now.

 

You aren't selfish to want things to feel better, but you have to weather it for now. Im not sure that its financially feasible for him to live seperately from you, the way you make it out to be....but you have to see that YOU will never be a priority. You will be important, but kids are always the priority for a parent. Even if you and him have kids of your own, its not like hes going to treat his other son and less.

 

Im not sure why it has to be two more years for his wife to start working, though. How old is the kid? There are plenty of families where both parents work before the kids have all reached school age. My mom had to put my little brother and sister in daycare from the time there were 3 or 4 for pre-school because she couldn't wait 7 years for both of them to be in kindergarden, it's just not always feasible in this day and age. And to be honest, there is no proof that someone who has mom stay home until they are 5 is any better off than someone who has mom stay home until they are 3. Maybe that's something that could be considered, as I feel that once his wife is more self-reliant, has her own insurance for medical, etc, that he will feel less responsible for her. As it is now, he feels that since he left, he's still responsible for making sure his son's mother is not homeless and lacking in medical care and etc. If he's a good person , of course he'd feel bad about this. So that might be an area that can be addressed so that alot of burden would be lifted, or at the least, shared by him and his STBxW , rather than just him trying to full support both himself and her.

 

Otherwise, I think this is just going to take time. The guilt is going to stay around for a while, and while you have to be understanding, don't be afraid to tell him , to an extent, how you feel. That you understand all the guilt and pain he's going through, and you want to know what you can do to help him through this, if anything. See what he says. Tell him you understand his son will always come first, but that you love him and want to have a chance to make this work, and you are willing to listen to whatever he has to say, and that you'd like him to be aware of your concerns, and that you both ned to work together to get through them.....

 

You must have known this would never be an easy transition. There's a chance you won't make it through as a couple, but that doesn't mean it's never happened and that you can't try.

 

I wish you all the best....it's a rough road but you have him, which is a point alot of people never get to.....so you both have to work at it if you want it to work. But don't feel bad about how you feel....it's totally natural to want to have some attention from him, and you deserve it, just give him a little space to breathe, the first 6 months , maybe up to a year, are going to be the toughest. The first child's birthday while mom and dad are sperated, the first holiday season, the first christmas when dad isnt under the same room, all these little milestones the first year are going to be tough, but you can get through them and i wish you both the best. You are only given one life to live, and the point of life is to be aware- serenely, divinely, happily aware.

[livinginlimbo]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all make so much sense at a time when I can make no sense at all of this crazy situation I'm in right now. Me and MM had a series of talks today, throughout the day (we work together), about many of these issues and I'm still no more convicted one way or the other than I was yesterday when I posted. I think I'm just unhappy, but afraid to admit it. I think (as he put it) that I bit off more than I can chew. I was so upset today because we were supposed to spend time together after work, but he picked up overtime (yes, he works a ton of ovetime to pay THEIR mortgage). I just can't find the strength to say OK, I'll deal with seeing you once or twice a week while you stay married to your wife for 2 1/2 years and work like a maniac to pay for her whole life (but I know that she's his son's mother & takes care of his child). Where do I find this strength? Is it attainable? Is it supposed to be enough when he says "I'm here with you, not her"? Am I supposed to take the high road and be glad he's meeting his responsibilities & just suck it up & deal with it, or is it OK to consider saying "I can't do this, call me if you ever manage to get divorced"? Or will I regret that? I'm getting what I need from him now only in very small, widely spaced out increments, yet I flat out know that he is doing his best. Things are going to come to a head very soon, it's inevitable. He says all he can do right now is hope that something comes through for him financially to the point where he can afford COBRA, and can get divorced sooner while still taking care of her medical benefits. But to me, it's like hearing "the check is inthe mail", kinda like yeah, right, uh huh, sure it is. So do I, as some suggested, suggest limited contact? What does that entail? Or is no contact better? So I can truly find out if I can cope better without him around and in my face, hoping for something that I don't know I'll have for a long time yet?

[frannie]

Am I supposed to take the high road and be glad he's meeting his responsibilities & just suck it up & deal with it, or is it OK to consider saying "I can't do this, call me if you ever manage to get divorced"? Or will I regret that? I'm getting what I need from him now only in very small, widely spaced out increments, yet I flat out know that he is doing his best. Things are going to come to a head very soon, it's inevitable.

 

Suck it up vs. complete separation... seems to me like you're doing exactly what I always do... from one extreme to the other. I'm the world's worst at that. I think there is a middle ground, which yes, is difficult, but it has to be gone through. You have to talk, and work through these things with him. Wasn't that conversation the other day where you both were honest with each other and cried, wasn't it cleansing?

 

I don't know either of your personalities of course, but I would have said you need to do more talking (when you're both up to it), and spend more time apart/dating. So you can really get to know each other outside the strange, intense and yet apartness of an affair. And also give each other time individually to process the changes that are taking place for both of you.

 

Just because it's difficult and imperfect doesn't mean you have to run away (repeat to myself ten times a day).

[InLimbo2]

what's that old saying? be careful what you wish for?

 

Yes, you should be glad that he's living up to his responsibilities to his future ex-wife and child - it shows what he's made of - and if heaven forbid you are ever in her shoes, you already see that he lives up to his responsibilities.

 

From what I read in this thread - he was married, you two had an affair, his wife was a stay-at-home-mom, and the child is young (tender years doctrine). Yes he should be paying the mortgage, yes he should be paying for their healthcare, and yes there is much more money that will be going her way in the coming years. Even after she goes to work he'll still be paying child support.

 

Did you think that he'd leave her and leave all his responsibilities behind too? That that was his 'prior life' and would have no impact on his life with you?

 

I am not one of those 'adulterers - tar and feather them' - stuff happens. But sounds like you have a view of what it would be like when he was all yours that was through some rose colored glasses - and now you are not liking the reality a whole lot.

 

Really does sound like the guy is doing his best. And from an outside point of view - if a woman has an affair with a married man, he leaves his wife for her, and then she's not happy because it's taking him some time - even a couple of years - to unravel that marriage and family and live up to his legitimate responsibilities - and suggests maybe they should part ways until he's totally divorced - I'd advise him he'd be crazy to ever go back to her - he should take care of his business and move on without either of them.

 

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all make so much sense at a time when I can make no sense at all of this crazy situation I'm in right now. Me and MM had a series of talks today, throughout the day (we work together), about many of these issues and I'm still no more convicted one way or the other than I was yesterday when I posted. I think I'm just unhappy, but afraid to admit it. I think (as he put it) that I bit off more than I can chew. I was so upset today because we were supposed to spend time together after work, but he picked up overtime (yes, he works a ton of ovetime to pay THEIR mortgage). I just can't find the strength to say OK, I'll deal with seeing you once or twice a week while you stay married to your wife for 2 1/2 years and work like a maniac to pay for her whole life (but I know that she's his son's mother & takes care of his child). Where do I find this strength? Is it attainable? Is it supposed to be enough when he says "I'm here with you, not her"? Am I supposed to take the high road and be glad he's meeting his responsibilities & just suck it up & deal with it, or is it OK to consider saying "I can't do this, call me if you ever manage to get divorced"? Or will I regret that? I'm getting what I need from him now only in very small, widely spaced out increments, yet I flat out know that he is doing his best. Things are going to come to a head very soon, it's inevitable. He says all he can do right now is hope that something comes through for him financially to the point where he can afford COBRA, and can get divorced sooner while still taking care of her medical benefits. But to me, it's like hearing "the check is inthe mail", kinda like yeah, right, uh huh, sure it is. So do I, as some suggested, suggest limited contact? What does that entail? Or is no contact better? So I can truly find out if I can cope better without him around and in my face, hoping for something that I don't know I'll have for a long time yet?