jan2202 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Started affair with MM Sep 07. Our paths had crossed numerous times over the years but nothing happened previously. He has been married for 19 years and worked away from home for last 16 years. He was working very closely with me at my place of work and our relationship grew and grew. He moved in with me and my boys and lived with us until Apr 08 when his work took him to Germany. He used to visit his wife and boys one weekend a month while living with me. Once he was in Germany I used to visit him once a month, he visited me and boys once a month and he also visited his wife and boys once a month. In July someone told his wife about us. She didnt act on it but he was told she had been told so he rang her and confessed to it all. They had huge row but she didnt throw him out. She doesnt work and he supports her and boys. She likes a lavish lifestyle and I think she is only with him because of his money. He says they are more like brother and sister now and have been for a few years. He doesnt hate her but doesnt love her like a wife. She obviously doesnt trust him now and is constantly wanting to know what he is doing and where he is. He has now returned back to the UK to work, and will be working near me and about 3 hrs from her. He constantly tells me he loves me, we talk every day, text every day and see each other most days. I have now got to the stage where I need him to either leave his wife or tell me its over. It will destroy me if its over but I cant continue as things are. Its not fair on anyone. He says he doesnt want to lose me and I think he knows how serious I am about him making a decision. Being the OW is not a nice place to be but I know how much I love him and I know he loves me but he doesnt want anyone to get hurt but he knows that one (or all of us) will get hurt in the end. It would be nice to hear your views on this. I do believe MM stay with their wives even when they dont love them. Link to post Share on other sites
marriedandsad Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I feel bad for the kids in all this. How confusing it must be for them....and what kind of role model does that set for your children? I don't think you should give him the options...that gives him too much power over the situation. What you say is "I have my children to think about and what all this will do to them in the long run, your children too. When you are divorced we'll talk" and leave it at that. Even then I don't know if I would talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2202 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 I have not allowed him to see my kids since his wife found out. He knows he can see them again once he leaves her. We have talked a lot and he agrees that things will be harder and get worse the longer he leaves it. I feel I am now giving him his last chance to sort things out once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I feel bad for the kids in all this. How confusing it must be for them....and what kind of role model does that set for your children? MarriedAndSad said it ALL. What were you thinking moving some married man into your home with your children living there? I can't even imagine being so damned selfish about my own needs that I'm willing to compromise the proper raising of my children in order to satisfy myself. Where do the kids think this guy has suddenly gone off to? No doubt, you've continued lying to them about why he's no longer living with you. Did you tell them he's been shipped off to Iraq to fight the good fight? Or that he was kidnapped by a band of rogue gypsies? Sheesh. And we wonder why today's youth is so screwed up and have no values. You asked for our views (collectively) and that's mine, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
marriedandsad Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I just want to add, and I've mentioned it before on other posts. My father did the same thing your MM is doing. I saw him about once a month, my sister and I, we noticed, trust me. It hurt us in ways you can't imagine. Then later one when we found out it was because he was with another woman, I have never ever ever forgiven him for it. He put US last to get his rocks off. Thanks to him I have so many trust issues it's not funny. What have you said to your kids about not seeing him? Have you not said anything...did you say he's busy? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Jan, from what you posted, you are ALL being hurt ALREADY...ALL the adults and ALL the children have already been hurt and continue to be hurt. As already noted, leaving the fate of your relationship in his hands puts you in position of not having power, of being helpless, of being (his) victim. In reality, though, you do have freedom of choice. Yes, you will need to exercise your power of will, but you are the only one in charge of that. He is NOT the only one who is making, or who has the power to make, decisions that are hurting all involved. You are doing that, too. And you can stop participating in that, all by yourself...you ARE empowered to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 She doesnt work and he supports her and boys. She likes a lavish lifestyle and I think she is only with him because of his money. Who has told you this? Him? Have you spoken to her? Do you know this for sure? If you only have his side of it, then I wouldn't believbe it.... TBH, he will tell you naything to justify his having an affair. he's hardly going to paint a wonderfully perfect picture of her... Ok, so they obviously have problems, but until you know things about someone for sure for sure, don't believe it, and don't jump to conclusions., remember, whatever's happening, he's cheating on her, not Vice-versa. So he's the deceitful one! He says they are more like brother and sister now and have been for a few years. He doesnt hate her but doesnt love her like a wife. She obviously doesnt trust him now and is constantly wanting to know what he is doing and where he is. Obviously....! You don't blame her - do you? I have now got to the stage where I need him to either leave his wife or tell me its over. It will destroy me if its over but I cant continue as things are. Its not fair on anyone. How was it fair before? Being the OW is not a nice place to be but I know how much I love him and I know he loves me but he doesnt want anyone to get hurt but he knows that one (or all of us) will get hurt in the end. People are already hurting. Suggest to him he decides what he wants to do, tell you, then stick to it. Life's a gamble. you throw the dice, you wait for them to fall. You just have to suck it up, I'm afraid....... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I wonder how many other women there are (or have been). This guy is very good Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2202 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 My kids knew he was working in Germany. They dont know he is back in UK - he only got back last week - thats why the decision now has to be made. His friends know about me and they have told me what their marriage is like and what she is like. I have also heard them on the phone and they have nothing to say to each other. He has been working away from home for the last 16 years. He used to go home every weekend which reduced to fortnightly before he moved in with me. He then reduced to monthly just after christmas. I have now told him to either leave her or we are finished and YES I will stick to it. If he cant leave her then he knows Im not here waiting for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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