I'm the OW now with a 27 yr-long Torch

[LavendarGirl]

Hello,

First off, I want to say hurray for my finding this forum. I have read through pages of posts and am relieved in reading other peoples’ experiences and relating them to my own. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories

 

I find myself in the role of OW here. MM is the love of my life, we first 27 years ago and had a wonderful relationship for 5 years before things fizzled (mutually monogamous, HS/college thing). Suffice to say, we were both young and going through our own dramas, maybe for the best that we went our separate ways when we did. I broke up with him way back when, certainly he kept the torch going for me, gave up on my returning to him some 3 years later. We always kept in communication as sort of platonic friends (though the attraction never waned). He supported me through my first marriage, and likewise I supported him through his. We had contemplated having an affair back then, but managed to hold off, and when I got divorced I went NC on him, best in my mind to prevent any affair from occurring (he was still married to W#1).

 

I remarried H#2, and was two years into the marriage when MM called to say he was considering getting married (W#2). But he’d call it off if I told him to. Well, what was I to say to him? I was married. I just cried over the phone. They got married 6 months later. Meanwhile, my marriage was a sham, it was sexless from about 2 months into it (baby on the way), and didn’t improve over the course of 8 years (sex less than 4 times in 8 years total, STBExH had serious hangups).

 

A year after his marriage, and my not dealing well with the nonsexual element of mine, we discussed ad nauseum regarding the possibility of an affair. Over the course of 18 months we met three times intimately and communicated on the phone and emails (we lived 2,000 miles apart). We had agreed to keep things as noncommittal as possible. Only, I couldn’t bear it, I was already hopelessly in love with MM from the start, and the affair only made matters worse. I called it off, and went NC for another 2 years. He tried reestablishing communications and I’d chase him off.

 

Finally, this past June, he contacted me from Iraq (he’s military). He’d been there for 2 months, had time to think away from his W, and wrote to tell me that I was the love of his life, he was miserable, he’d do anything to get us back together. I admitted the same. Within a month, I finally opened my eyes to see that my marriage was simply one of insecurity (not even rating as one of convenience). I separated from my STBExH at that point, and have no regrets whatsoever (regardless of the outcome of my A).

 

He said he was going to leave his W too, as we had agreed that there’s just no way to balance a marriage and an affair (much less the moral issue of deceiving the W). They have no kids (though she is seriously wanting them), they went to marriage counseling last year but with no success, and according to him they fight constantly on the phone and have very little really to talk about.

 

As I said before, he’s in Iraq right now. So this is an affair via phone and email. He’s said he can’t exactly divorce her while in Iraq, and I can certainly see his point. He’ll be back in the states in April, and I could hold out then. But here’s where the problems arise.

 

My gut instincts are telling me he’s pulling the classic MM who promises to leave his wife and never does routine. First, I was talking about seeing him in May, a good month after he returns (even in the States we are long distance, and we already have a meeting in April planned). He was at first not wanting to plan something so far out, then he started talking about a good cover so the W doesn’t figure out where he is. I picked up on this (I’m thinking, how long does it take to tell his W that he wants to leave her). I have a fit, he begs for me to give him a year from now (or 6 months from the time he returns home) to get his direction in order. I agree, not because I want to wait another year, but because I feel it’s a sort of compromise. But then my radar is picking up other things this last month. He’s not talking any more about anything in the future (like trips we can take, what to do next Christmas, yadda yadda). He’s not talking about his W at all (which tells me he’s playing cautious around me). He’s not talking about his next duty station (which would impact me directly or indirectly if we’re in a relationship). And he’s talking about ways to sneak off in May for a week without her suspecting in order to be with me. Again I’m thinking, why is she still around a month after he breaks the news to her? Granted, May is still within the one year timeframe he’s planned on. But I’m just not liking things. My gut tells me it’s just not right.

 

I believe wholeheartedly that he loves me (as I know I love him). I just think that I’m filling a void he has in his marriage, and by my plugging that dam, I’m perpetuating his imbalanced marriage. He did tell me a few weeks ago that he and W are not fighting as bad (and I’m thinking, yeah, because he’s getting his intimacy needs met by me). And also he’s supportive of her starting a new business (which would be silly to do as a single newly divorced woman trying to be financially independent). But most alarming to me is that she really, really wants kids and at 39 her biological clock is ticking full speed. She gets pregnant, I can promise you I’m long gone.

 

I’m beginning to also believe that I can’t hold out for another year. That at the most, I can hold out for 7 months – that is, 6 months to return home, and a month to drop the bomb. Otherwise, I can’t possibly stomach the idea that the love of my life is stringing me along, whether he’s doing it intentionally or not.

 

Any advice? I am thinking of telling him how I feel and then telling him we’re NC until he’s suitably separated as a minimum. But then I feel guilty because he is in a War Zone, after all. One thing I can say about him, is that in the course of 27 years of knowing him, I’ve never caught him lying to me. I just don’t know if I have the strength to trust him in this.

 

And to add, as much as I've looked these last 22 years I've never found love like what I've always had for him.

 

 

Thanks guys,

Lavendar

[wildsoul]

Any advice? I am thinking of telling him how I feel and then telling him we’re NC until he’s suitably separated as a minimum. But then I feel guilty because he is in a War Zone, after all. One thing I can say about him, is that in the course of 27 years of knowing him, I’ve never caught him lying to me. I just don’t know if I have the strength to trust him in this.

That plan makes sense to me! It definitely sounds like he is waffling and hoping you might agree to be his OW...after all, you've both discussed this idea before!

 

As far as timelines go, those seem way to hard to estimate and meet. Too much can change by then. Maybe his M will work. Maybe his W will get pregnant. Maybe he wont be ready to seperate for another year after the first estimate. It seems SO much easier (for you, not him) if you simply wait until he is fully separated.

 

If you've had this strong pull all these years, then you can trust that it will still be there. Have you ever thought that maybe there is a reason why you've never been single at the same time? For whatever reason, it just wasn't right back then. And it STILL isn't right now. Just go with that. If you are meant to be together, it will happen when you're both single. You deserve to be the priority, not the option!

[LavendarGirl]

Wildsoul, thank you for the sage advice. My brain over here is on full alert for a reason, I am sure. The more I read posts on this forum from jilted OPs the more I'm thinking deja vu, and not in a good way! I told him that I can't stand being Girl on the Side when I should be Girl in the Center (or more appropriately Only Girl), and he argued that I'm Girl in the Center. Well I counter that I'm not, the ring on his finger, the law, who he answers to at the end of the day, who he's going to come home to in April, who gets a say in when/where he sees me (haha)....that's Girl in the Center. I'm seeing the writing on the wall, and it's not pretty. But better to face now than putting my heart on hold for a year or two or indefinitely until he gets his act together.

 

I didn't mention, he's seeing her in December in Europe for his two week leave. My jealousy hairs are standing on end, number one. And number two, if he's truly intending on divorcing his W, wouldn't he take the time then to tell her? And the alternative, that they patch up their M and/or get a bambino on the way, I just can't bear to be on the sidelines to witness all of that.

[Mino]

Wildsoul, thank you for the sage advice. My brain over here is on full alert for a reason, I am sure. The more I read posts on this forum from jilted OPs the more I'm thinking deja vu, and not in a good way! I told him that I can't stand being Girl on the Side when I should be Girl in the Center (or more appropriately Only Girl), and he argued that I'm Girl in the Center. Well I counter that I'm not, the ring on his finger, the law, who he answers to at the end of the day, who he's going to come home to in April, who gets a say in when/where he sees me (haha)....that's Girl in the Center. I'm seeing the writing on the wall, and it's not pretty. But better to face now than putting my heart on hold for a year or two or indefinitely until he gets his act together.

 

I didn't mention, he's seeing her in December in Europe for his two week leave. My jealousy hairs are standing on end, number one. And number two, if he's truly intending on divorcing his W, wouldn't he take the time then to tell her? And the alternative, that they patch up their M and/or get a bambino on the way, I just can't bear to be on the sidelines to witness all of that.

I think you need to trust your instincts. Could be she gets prenant during their vacation. You may want to tell him he has got a month after he returns to leave. it would be easy for him to start the process now through emails.. letting her know he wants out as soon as he returns... JMO...

[frannie]

I think you should stay well clear until he has told her, and if fact until he is divorced. There is way too much leway in his situation to lie to you and say things are in the pipeline when he's telling her that he's 'not taking leave' or something along those lines.

 

Please protect your heart.

[LavendarGirl]

Well, we talked on the phone yesterday and I told him exactly how I felt. He offered that in December when he sees her that he will tell her and get the ball rolling then. Also offered to not be intimate with her in December (said he hadn't intended on it anyway). And that he has no timetable on when exactly his D will happen, but that within a month of his return, he will be physically separated from her.

 

I accepted his timeline offer, and feel much better. I couldn't bear to think 6 months from his return.

 

Thank you guys,

Lavendar

[OpenBook]

Well, we talked on the phone yesterday and I told him exactly how I felt. He offered that in December when he sees her that he will tell her and get the ball rolling then. Also offered to not be intimate with her in December (said he hadn't intended on it anyway). And that he has no timetable on when exactly his D will happen, but that within a month of his return, he will be physically separated from her.

 

I accepted his timeline offer, and feel much better. I couldn't bear to think 6 months from his return.

 

Thank you guys,

Lavendar

 

Lavendar, that's not your call. "Offered to not be intimate" with his own W?!?? I could be totally wrong, but to me this is a big red flag (along with a refusal to commit to going thru with a D -- hell, going to the grocery store could qualify as "physically separated" in his mind!!) that he's blowing some major sunshine up your skirt. I hope you have prepared yourself for that possibility.

[marlena]

Lavendar, that's not your call. "Offered to not be intimate" with his own W?!?? I could be totally wrong, but to me this is a big red flag (along with a refusal to commit to going thru with a D -- hell, going to the grocery store could qualify as "physically separated" in his mind!!) that he's blowing some major sunshine up your skirt. I hope you have prepared yourself for that possibility.

 

I agreee with OB. It doesn't look good. Here's what I think. If he doesn't leave of his own accord (without any coaxing,cajoling,bagaining) within a year, tops, chances are very,very slim that he will ever leave his marriage. If an affair drags on, you-know-who is gaslighting both spouse and lover.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Marlena and OB,

Thank you for your posts. Honestly, I count the A from June. Prior to that (in 04-06) we had mutually agreed upon a noncommittal casual thing, both being married. We were NC for two years, when he came back in June 08 wanting to initiate something more committed between the two of us. And he's been in Iraq this whole time. Yes, I'm prepared for the heartbreak should it come to that, and I realize I'm going out on a limb here.

 

And no, he is committed to a D, only he's not going to file until he gets back from Iraq.