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Heard his voice...in so much pain


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It's been 55 days of NC with xMM. There (obviously) have been ups and downs but I've been doing better lately. Tonight I called where he works to speak with one of my best friends who works with him. She usually answers the phone and I honestly was driving and busy and I swear to God I wasn't even thinking that he would answer. He did-I haven't heard his voice voice in 8 weeks-and I calmly said that it was me and could I talk to my friend. He said sure and that was that.

 

But all of you OW and OM on LS know that in my warped, heartbroken, lonely, scared brain those few words caused pain. I didn't ask how he was doing-I only asked for my friend. Now I am kicking myself-I feel like I should have tried to initiate some sort of conversation or at least asked how he was doing. I feel like I had an opportunity for something...I don't know what...and I blew it. I have been crying terribly for the past 1/2 hour and I don't even know why. I miss him-right or wrong-healthy or not-it is what it is and I won't deny it. We were such good friends for such a long time. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder why that matters so much to me but it does.

 

My brain (as screwed up as it may be) knows that I did the right thing. In fact, because I let my brain take over, my instant reaction was to immediately ask for my friend and not take it any further. But my heart (screwed up also, and not as quick to catch on as my brain) is breaking at the thought that I missed out on a chance to see how things are going for him. I am so frustrated and confused.

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I'm SO sorry sweetheart.. you WILL be OK... your "brain" is right, you did the right thing.. Your "heart" is right too.. it has the right to hurt, so let it hurt, and let your brain take back over.. You KNOW what is right. Have that good Friday night cry, I know I am, but get over it, because tomorrow is going to be a BEAUTIFUL NEW DAY... OK??

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You did good smile. You did right.

 

What you did took guts and courage. A powerful choice. A painful choice. Few people would have resisted - but you did. You didn't panic, you didn't give in to weakness and temptation. In an unexpected encounter you were calm. Speaks volumes to me.

 

You were strong. A powerful choice. A brave choice. A weaker woman may have succumbed. You didn't.

 

You cannot see tomorrow's possibilities if you constantly look to the past.

 

Oh - and try and live up to your moniker. You should be proud of yourself this evening. Treat yourself to something nice...

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