want to con't with no expectation...

[phoenix999]

hi, i am new. here is a long story made short.

 

he is married, with teenager kids. i am married, no kid. we met, fell very deeply in love. his wife was cold to him for 10 over years. as the love felt between us was so strong, he wanted to divorce to marry me. we are separated by distance too, but he came to where i stay to work like once every two or one month. meeting up is not easy, communication is hard too.

 

three months ago, he started to work on the divorce. his wife finally knew about us, she went crazy and started to threaten with suicide to stop the divorce. things were very tough. we broke up about 4 times, but patch up again and again, because we can't leave each other.

 

he also said at first he thought his kids are strong enough, now he saw signs they are not. i understand.

 

he was the one who brought up all our hopes, now he couldn't solve these issues at all. i am beyong disappointment but i don't blame him. i mean, what if the wife really kills herself? she is quite an aggressive and extreme woman. i told him i am married myself, i am not looking for a husaband, it just happened that i love you.

 

when he admits to me that he feels like a wimp, i feel like slapping him. but i am a wimp too, i tried leaving, i felt so devastated that we always get back together.

 

then i found a way to cope. i want to use a new attitude. i will try to continue our relationship with no goal and expectation. just be thankful that we can see each other whenever possible. i keep repeating in my mind " don't think, don't hope, don't ask, don't complain". this is not the best way, but it does reduce the hurt i feel and still enjoy seeing him. another way is to break up, but i will be killing myself, tried before, i feel like i want to die.

 

i hope to find some empathy here, i am glad to find a forum with people in the same boat.

[DealingWDrama]

Please seek therapy. You need someone to talk to who can help you to sort your emotions and actually experience your feelings. WE can't help the way we feel - emotions are not logical and can't be explained away...but we can learn new coping methods.

[Owl]

Just curious...have you considered divorcing your husband?

 

Since you're in love with someone else...it makes sense to me.

 

As far as the 'no expectations' policy...that's good for as long as you can maintain it. Unfortunately, most people tend not to be able to keep that up for as long as they'd planned.

[LakesideDream]

Phoenix. It takes a great deal of stregnth and dedication to do what you are planning to do. You have to be willing to take whatever comes your way. You must be aware that you are never higher than 3d on his list of priorities, behind his wife and children. You must be able to bite your tongue, or hold your pen when plans change or appointments are ignored.

 

Are you willing to do all the above and more without asking for anything in return? Is the emotional bond with your MM so strong that you cannot consider any alternatives?

 

IMO the only way your "arraingment" can succeed is to avoid any and all drama, understand and pretend that every setback is OK with you, and live your life in your MM's shadow. IF you can do that, then you have a chance to make it happen.... someday.

 

Whether what you are doing is right or wrong is immaterial. You are here looking for help and advice. Giving you a lecture on the moral and ethical ramifications of being an "other woman" isn't what you are here to see.

 

Good Luck and gawd speed.

[phoenix999]

he said he won't force me to divorce, but of course, he hopes i would D after he D. right from the start, i am not that naive, i know it is not easy for him to D at all. i am waiting in a sense, if he successfully D, i will do it although it is not easy for me too. if he can do it ( his situation is 10 times more difficult) , i can do it. but well, no hope now...

 

i do have another thinking. u see, if i were to break with him cold turkey, i will be all broken. now that we had patchced back, i have the strength to do daily chores, maybe i could slowly train myself to live without him. as long as the pain is bearable, we can break up one day.

 

even if we don't break up, maybe the intensity of the feelings will die down to a manageable, i can close one eye, live in denial and just see him as and when. life is so short, not every thing is ideal. if i can't have him the ideal way, if i really love him, i should be glad that i could have just a piece of him. same for him.

 

i think is all in the mind set, i think it is possible to train myself, i want to try. i want to change myself, i don't want to be so extreme. i don't want to keep thinking, i would only be happy if this happens. i want to learn to be able to enjoy what little i can get. last night, i went out with him having this new attitude, i enjoyed the night so much, just having dinner with him and breathe the same air as him. i think this is love.

[whichwayisup]

You HAVE to divorce your husband, reguardless of what the MM does. Your husband deserves to be happy and to be with a woman who will love ONLY him. Right now you're being selfish, staying married and doing whatever you want, that's just not cool. Sooner or later your husband IS going to figure out that you're cheating on him and having an affair. Since you don't have kids, you should divorce and then you can do whatever you want.

[phoenix999]

Phoenix. It takes a great deal of stregnth and dedication to do what you are planning to do. You have to be willing to take whatever comes your way. You must be aware that you are never higher than 3d on his list of priorities, behind his wife and children. You must be able to bite your tongue, or hold your pen when plans change or appointments are ignored.

 

Are you willing to do all the above and more without asking for anything in return? Is the emotional bond with your MM so strong that you cannot consider any alternatives?

 

IMO the only way your "arraingment" can succeed is to avoid any and all drama, understand and pretend that every setback is OK with you, and live your life in your MM's shadow. IF you can do that, then you have a chance to make it happen.... someday.

 

Whether what you are doing is right or wrong is immaterial. You are here looking for help and advice. Giving you a lecture on the moral and ethical ramifications of being an "other woman" isn't what you are here to see.

 

Good Luck and gawd speed.

 

thanks, there is no need to give me a lecture on morals, we are all adults.

 

my return is the quality time spent together with him.

 

i do not mind being lower priority than the kids. i don't want to compare anymore. it will only end up in breaking up and killing myself.

 

keeping a piece of him, i am able to enjoy other areas of life normally, like my work, or mere joy of watching tv, or time spent with my own husband. i don't want to be extreme, just take things easy. i think it is possible.

[whichwayisup]

or time spent with my own husband.

 

So you put your husband as second fiddle, just like your MM puts you second fiddle...

 

If you're happy being "just" the OW and settling, then do it. BUT, don't do that on the expense of your innocent husband. You're having your cake and eating it too.

 

Another option is, tell your husband the truth so HE can decide if he wants to stay married to you. Who knows, maybe he'll be into the idea of having an open marriage, so both of you can have someone on the side.

[phoenix999]

my husband knows about this one year ago, i gave him the choice to divorce me, but he chooses to stay. he loves me. he is another manifestation of true love.

 

same for me, if my love for MM is so true, i can sacrifice too, just like my husband.

 

imo, this is unconditional love. how many people can do this? everyone expects expects and expects, who is not selfish here?

 

i just want to give my love. i want to love both men.

[phoenix999]

no body is in the dark right now, all parties involved know about the truth. even my MM's parents. MM's parents even want him to be with me, they like me. they feel our pain, but there is no solution.

 

his wife wouldn't let go, i don't want anyone to die either, and i myself don't want to die by breaking up. so, we'll just continue like this.

[jwi71]

he said he won't force me to divorce, but of course, he hopes i would D after he D. right from the start, i am not that naive, i know it is not easy for him to D at all. i am waiting in a sense, if he successfully D, i will do it although it is not easy for me too. if he can do it ( his situation is 10 times more difficult) , i can do it. but well, no hope now...

 

OK...so you will D your H to be with your MM - but only if he jumps first. True love alright. You can feel the trust between you and your MM.

 

my husband knows about this one year ago, i gave him the choice to divorce me, but he chooses to stay. he loves me. he is another manifestation of true love.

 

same for me, if my love for MM is so true, i can sacrifice too, just like my husband.

 

imo, this is unconditional love. how many people can do this? everyone expects expects and expects, who is not selfish here?

 

i just want to give my love. i want to love both men.

Wait. You lost me. First, you want to D your H but only if your MM jumps first. And in the above quote it sounds like you are making a sacrifice by staying married. WTH? Why, given what you have said, do you want to remain married to your H? You are perfectly willing to divorce him...you already said so (read the bold face quote).

 

So do it. Set your H free from you. Go and get the true love you feel with your MM.

 

With there being no secrets, all you are doing is robbing a deserving woman of your H's love. You obviously don't care for it. And that's fine. If you are better off with a D...go and do it. No one will think less of you. I won't think less of you.

 

BUT.

 

To keep him around solely because your MM won't jump first is abusive, manipulative, deceitful and just plain evil. This is where I draw the line. Let him go...you already have in your heart. Let another woman bask in his light as you bask in the light of your MM.

 

Set him free.

[LoyalGirl]

Wow!

He must be a great guy! It seems as if everyone wants to die without him... Examine that, please.

[bentnotbroken]

What a jacked up group of people. I wonder what a golden penis looks like, cause apparently this guy has one if both women are talking about dying without him.

[pelicanpreacher]

I know how to make this easier for you. Why don't you help your husband by introducing him to attractive and available women you know that would be most suitable for him. This way you can help him build a relationship with the right type of woman that may prove more lasting than the one he has with you and also give him enough confidence and self-esteem to shed his fear of divorcing you. At this point you'll be able to leave the marriage without regret because you will have helped your husband to transition out of the marriage on a high note while allowing yourself the opportunity to live your life the way you want to.

[frannie]

Hello, I've tried something similar (only in our case, I was single, and his BW knew nothing, which was a huge problem for me). I found it infinitely better NOT to cut him out of my life. As you say, you can get on with daily chores, and enjoy lots of aspects of your life without the nagging feeling of missing him and wondering what he'd have to say about this and that. Being NC with him was always a problem for me, and rather than 'move on' I'd actually devote more of my thoughts to him than if I knew I'd be hearing from him later.

 

No doubt it's all highly dysfunctional and whatnot, but there didn't seem to be a way round it for me. So, what I'm saying is, yes, I did it and we had quite a good long run of 'no expectations', and when I became completely angry with him for ruining our future I knocked it on the head and went NC with him, because at that stage that's what I wanted.

 

I think that all you can do is what makes you feel comfortable. Other people in your situation are in the know, so they can make their own decisions. One person (or two people) can't make all the 'right' decisions for everyone, life just isn't like that. If it were all so simple and straighforward this entire forum wouldn't be here.

 

Best of luck, anyway.

[GreenX]

my husband knows about this one year ago, i gave him the choice to divorce me, but he chooses to stay. he loves me. he is another manifestation of true love.

 

same for me, if my love for MM is so true, i can sacrifice too, just like my husband.

 

imo, this is unconditional love. how many people can do this? everyone expects expects and expects, who is not selfish here?

 

i just want to give my love. i want to love both men.

Kind of confused with this but do you mean your husband 'knew' of an affair a year ago and it ended - or - that he knew then and still knows that it is going on?