i said goodbye because i can't trust

[sher78]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been cheating on my husband for a year now. (I am 3 yrs into my marriage, but in total me and my husband have been together 9yrs) I was so much in love with my OM, I am 30yrs old, but have never loved someone so crazy like this ever in my life. I had already stopped having sex with my husband who never had time for me, and during this 1 year affair with OM I have never slept with anyone else. We spent a dreamy, romantic, passionate year crazy about each other. He has told me that he loves me, and asked me many times to leave my husband so that we could be together, but I never gave him a clear answer. Because I always thought that divorce is something really awful, and I was not sure if I could see my OM as a life partner or a husband. But we decided to keep seeing each other until we are sure that we want to be together for life. OM knows that I am not having sex with my husband, and he made it clear that he is in love with me and is not seeing anyone else. And I trusted him.

 

About 3 months ago, OM asks me if I want to go to Mallorca (Spain) with his friend Peter and his girlfriend Linda, something like a double date. He said it would be the last week of October, and that we could stay at Peter's dad's vacation house in Mallorca. But I said no because I didn't like Peter's gf Linda so much. And then he never mentioned it again anymore.

 

Now suddenly last weekend OM tells me that he is going to Mallorca for the weekend during the last week of this month (October) with his BROTHER and JAMES, just 3 guys. And he says they are getting a cheap hotel deal because JAMES's gf works in a travel agency.

Then I suddenly remembered that he actually asked me once about going to Mallorca as a double date. The timing and destination of this trip exactly matches with that double date plan! Am I crazy if I think that he is lying to me and he is actually taking some other girl with to the Mallorca double date? Do you think I am paranoid?

 

I know it's terrible...these affairs. I've been cheating on my husband, and I think others can do the same to me. Because I am cheating and lying to my husband, I think everyone else is also doing the same to me. I am always worried that I will also be cheated on. I cannot trust anyone, even myself. And it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I loathe myself for cheating on my husband, but I am so crazy about OM.

 

I know very well that I have no right to tie OM down when I am having my cake and eating it too, but I was so devastated because I was so sure that he is taking someone else to Mallorca. I asked him if he is going with Peter, but he just said no. Very calmly. I did not ask further and I did not tell him that I felt suspicious about it.

 

I came home and sent him a calm and peaceful text message saying that I want to let him go, set him free. And that this is the right time to end things, and that I wish him well. He called me about 4 times on my cell, but I did not pick up the phone. He sent me a short email saying that "we need to talk", but I did not write back. I didn't think there was anything more to be said, since I do not have trust for him, nor for myself anymore, and I wanted to end it.

 

Today I got a text message from him asking me if it is really over between us. He said that he will try to move on and not to bother me anymore if that is what I want. I sent him a text message back confirming that I really want to set him free.

 

I am feeling very sick and bitter now since things ended like this. But I think I'm an evil bitch who cheated on her husband in the first place, so I deserve this emotional torture. I don't want to obsess over OM anymore since I called it quits now, but do you think I was paranoid about OM's trip? Do you think that my gut feeling was wrong?

 

I don't want to cheat on my husband ever again. I feel terrible about myself and this guiltiness was eating me alive during the whole year. I want to be a good wife and try to make up to my husband. I learned my lessons.

[Geishawhelk]

Hi I am feeling very sick and bitter now since things ended like this. But I think I'm an evil bitch who cheated on her husband in the first place, so I deserve this emotional torture. I don't want to obsess over OM anymore since I called it quits now, but do you think I was paranoid about OM's trip? Do you think that my gut feeling was wrong?

Yes, I think it was.

But it's done now.

And as you say, you suspect a cheater of cheating on a cheater.... round and round in circles.

You were right to end it.

Wrong motive.

Right decision.

 

I don't want to cheat on my husband ever again. I feel terrible about myself and this guiltiness was eating me alive during the whole year. I want to be a good wife and try to make up to my husband. I learned my lessons.

 

For goodness sake don't tell him.

I know many will disagree with this, but given that your R. with your H. was already on a back-burner and stagnating, maybe you should opt for MC and see if anything can be salvaged. I also definitely recommend you consider IC....

 

MC may not save the marriage (it's not designed to) but it could open up communications and make you communicate better.

So far, it's sucked, huh?

[Ronni_W]

Yes. I do think that was one helluva HUGE jump to the conclusion that you reached, given what you say you knew and also based on what you were told.

 

OTOH. Maybe some deep-down part of you has been looking for something (anything) to help you make the decision to end things? And this really is as good as anything else that might crop up.

 

Stick with your new resolve, and just do everything you can to achieve your new personal goals that you've set for yourself.

Hugs, and best of luck.

[Owl]

I do disagree with GW...tell your H.

 

One of two things will happen as a result...and EITHER is an improvement in the situation.

 

Either your husband will see this as a tremendous wake up call, and this could be the catalyst for massive changes that could save your marriage (it happens...my marriage went through this process).

 

Or...he'll be hurt beyond belief and file for divorce. Which would be good for both of you...it frees you up to be with someone else, and does the same thing for him. It lets him be with someone who will love him...just as it would for you.

 

Personally...I don't see a downside to either option at this point.

 

But it all starts with you taking action to change the situation.

 

Sit your H down tonite and tell him what's going on.

[Al_Bundy]

I know it's terrible...these affairs. I've been cheating on my husband, and I think others can do the same to me. Because I am cheating and lying to my husband, I think everyone else is also doing the same to me. I am always worried that I will also be cheated on. I cannot trust anyone, even myself. And it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I loathe myself for cheating on my husband, but I am so crazy about OM.

 

Then you should divorce your husband. Do right by him and set him free.

 

 

I know very well that I have no right to tie OM down when I am having my cake and eating it too, but I was so devastated because I was so sure that he is taking someone else to Mallorca. I asked him if he is going with Peter, but he just said no. Very calmly. I did not ask further and I did not tell him that I felt suspicious about it.

 

I came home and sent him a calm and peaceful text message saying that I want to let him go, set him free. And that this is the right time to end things, and that I wish him well. He called me about 4 times on my cell, but I did not pick up the phone. He sent me a short email saying that "we need to talk", but I did not write back. I didn't think there was anything more to be said, since I do not have trust for him, nor for myself anymore, and I wanted to end it.

 

Today I got a text message from him asking me if it is really over between us. He said that he will try to move on and not to bother me anymore if that is what I want. I sent him a text message back confirming that I really want to set him free.

 

I am feeling very sick and bitter now since things ended like this.

 

Bitter? Why would you be bitter? Only one that should be bitter is your husband.

 

 

 

But I think I'm an evil bitch who cheated on her husband in the first place, so I deserve this emotional torture.

 

But your husband doesn't deserve to be married to someone like you. So are you going to do right by him and get a divorce?

 

 

I don't want to obsess over OM anymore since I called it quits now, but do you think I was paranoid about OM's trip? Do you think that my gut feeling was wrong?

 

I don't want to cheat on my husband ever again. I feel terrible about myself and this guiltiness was eating me alive during the whole year. I want to be a good wife and try to make up to my husband. I learned my lessons.

 

I don't think you did.

 

You broke it off with the OM for the wrong reason. You broke it off with him because you didn't want to be unfair to the OM. You didn't break it off with him because of what you were doing to your husband.

 

So question now is, since you have this feeling that you can't trust anyone, does this now mean because of your own actions that you cannot trust your husband too?

[stampdaddy]

NO WAY you are done with your OM. No way in this world.. You SHOULD be, but you WON'T be..

 

AND, do you really think you can just walk back in your husbands arms and not miss what was lacking in the first place? I don't mean to sound nasty to you (cause as others will tell you, that's not me), BUT, you arent done with this thing at all...

[Al_Bundy]

I do disagree with GW...tell your H.

 

 

Or...he'll be hurt beyond belief and file for divorce. Which would be good for both of you...it frees you up to be with someone else, and does the same thing for him. It lets him be with someone who will love him...just as it would for you.

 

I agree completely.

[sher78]

Wow I am really surprised about the comments coming up so quick...

I appreciate all the comments. Whether they are nasty or nice, thank you in the first place for reading my thread and sharing your two cents.

[stampdaddy]

Wow I am really surprised about the comments coming up so quick...

I appreciate all the comments. Whether they are nasty or nice, thank you in the first place for reading my thread and sharing your two cents.

 

listen, your words are exactly what I heard from my exMW (you).. 4 plus years later.... our affair just ended

[Owl]

Believe it or not...no one has been nasty to you.

 

What you've gotten was honest feedback, with honest advice and suggestions from people who have been in similar situations...from the various viewpoints.

 

Look back at the advice you've been given in that light...it might make it a little more palatable for you.

[pelicanpreacher]

Don't be surprised if you become privy to a little bad news of your own from the homefront. All kind of bad things can happen when you fall asleep at the wheel.

 

You haven't had sex with your husband in a year and you don't think he's noticed? You don't think he's noticed your comings and goings or the distance you've expressed toward him and never questioned what's going on? You don't think he was capable of finding someone else while you've be gallavanting about?

 

Don't be surprised that the marriage you want to come back to left for the coast a long time ago!

[stampdaddy]

Believe it or not...no one has been nasty to you.

 

What you've gotten was honest feedback, with honest advice and suggestions from people who have been in similar situations...from the various viewpoints.

 

Look back at the advice you've been given in that light...it might make it a little more palatable for you.

 

OWL, I think she was referring to my "use" of the word nasty in my post... But with that being said, she will hear some nasty replies, that is for sure

[sher78]

I'm not trying to defend myself and justify my wrong deeds, but things happen for a reason. I did not write in the first thread about how my husband treated me since the first year of marriage, only because I did not want to say anything bad about him here. But I would like to try hard so that my marriage will work.

[Reggie]

Seems like a theme I see often, the doubt cast in one's mind by being involved with a cheater. Some folks can compartmentalize pretty well constructing some distinction between the willingness of their affair partner to be involved in cheating and the way they themselves expect to be treated. I think this doubt gnaws away at one over time and grows. The affair has not withstood the crucible of reality and its effect on a romantic relationship. So, when the inevitable stresses of a real relationship are introduced, the doubt may grow.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not trying to defend myself and justify my wrong deeds, but things happen for a reason. I did not write in the first thread about how my husband treated me since the first year of marriage, only because I did not want to say anything bad about him here. But I would like to try hard so that my marriage will work.

 

 

It seems to me if he treated you so bad you would have left him, instead of sleeping with someone else. Seems like you added your own years worth of crap to the crap you feel he dished out.

[marriedandsad]

I'm not trying to defend myself and justify my wrong deeds, but things happen for a reason. I did not write in the first thread about how my husband treated me since the first year of marriage, only because I did not want to say anything bad about him here. But I would like to try hard so that my marriage will work.

 

 

Why does this seem to be a pattern. The cheater doesn't mention how awful their spouse is which led them to cheat, then once people start being sympathize to the BS all of a sudden the BS is the one in the wrong? I don't want to be unsympathetic, but you could always ask for a divorce as well, it doesn't just land on your husband's shoulders. If he was bad enough to warrant you having an affair and basically falling in love with other man and considering going to Spain with him (how were you going to explain that to your husband btw?), then you should've either asked for a divorce or MC. You are far from done with this OM, if your feelings run as deep as you claim they do on both sides, I can't really see him or you just walking away.

[wildsoul]

Seems like a theme I see often, the doubt cast in one's mind by being involved with a cheater. Some folks can compartmentalize pretty well constructing some distinction between the willingness of their affair partner to be involved in cheating and the way they themselves expect to be treated. I think this doubt gnaws away at one over time and grows. The affair has not withstood the crucible of reality and its effect on a romantic relationship. So, when the inevitable stresses of a real relationship are introduced, the doubt may grow.

Eloquently phrased. I'm in that phase with my separated man now. Saw it coming, of course. Navigating through it. Seems a near-unavoidable part of forging a relationship that started as an A.

 

If I was the OP, can imagine questioning those dates too.

 

It seems a mute point now, but if I were in the OP's shoes, I would directly ask, "Aren't those the same dates you said you wanted to stay with your friend Peter and his gf? Are you all going to be there together or what?" Then I'd see how he responded.

 

Although the REAL underlying point is that if one is married, there is a lack of control you have over the dating life of your single affair partner. Since you already have a R with someone else, it's not fair to get jealous and possessive over your OM/W. In an A, both parties have to deal with the downsides of being in an affair situation.

[whichwayisup]

You need to tell your husband everything so HE can decide if he wants to give you another chance, so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you.

 

Your husband deserves to be with a woman who will love only him. IF you don't love your husband anymore, DIVORCE him so HE can find someone who won't cheat on him.

 

Let HIM have a choice here.

[soda]

You need to tell your husband everything so HE can decide if he wants to give you another chance, so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you.

 

Your husband deserves to be with a woman who will love only him. IF you don't love your husband anymore, DIVORCE him so HE can find someone who won't cheat on him.

 

Let HIM have a choice here.

 

Exactly. You made the choice to cheat. You made the choice to end the affair and go back to your husband. Now, you owe your H the opportunity to make a choice too...based on the truth.

 

If he knows the facts and chooses you, you will be better off because I suspect that he'll work on the M like he never had before.

 

If he knows the facts and chooses to divorce you, you will also be better off because you will be free to do whatever you want without being an adulterer.

 

There's the distinct probability that he's going to discover the truth anyway, and then you'll have no chance of saving the marriage.

 

By the way, and I don't mean to sound rude here, but I'm going to say this anyway.

 

I don't believe you when you say that you did not have sex with your H for a year. You might have been able to convince your OM of that, but I don't buy the fact that your H didn't have real suspicions when the sex dried up.

 

Listen, I was a betrayed spouse. I eventually caught my W at her sneaky game and unceremoniously dumped her on her rear. I would have caught her much, much sooner had she thrown out that HUGE red flag of not having sex with me.

[Owl]

I'm not trying to defend myself and justify my wrong deeds, but things happen for a reason. I did not write in the first thread about how my husband treated me since the first year of marriage, only because I did not want to say anything bad about him here. But I would like to try hard so that my marriage will work.

 

First off...things don't "happen for a reason". That's standard "affair talk 101". They happened because you allowed them to happen. They happened because you CHOSE to pursue this course of action.

 

Don't delude yourself into thinking that some higher power condones and planned for your choice to cheat on your husband. It doesn't work that way.

 

I don't know how your husband treated you in your first year of marriage. Nor can anyone offer accurate advice with only half the picture painted. If there are important details to your situation, spell them out if you want advice.

 

But here's the thing. If he did mistreat you in some fashion...you had the opportunity for annullment then, yes? Divorce still remains an option as well. You've got to understand...cheating hurts far, FAR more than you can imagine until you've had it done to you. If your intent is to 'get even' with him for whatever's happened in your first year of marriage....this would definitely be the way to go about it. If your intent was NOT that however...there were undoubtedly better ways to go than this.

 

Here's the bottom line...what do you want from here, and what's the BEST way to get to it for all three parties involved???

 

If its life with OM...then divorce is your first step. That means telling your H.

 

If its life with your H...then ending the affair, and taking steps to rebuild your marriage on a better, more honest foundation...then that starts with telling your H.

 

If its just to continue the affair...what advice do you need to do that???