Jump to content

Need some perspective


Recommended Posts

livinginlimbo

So amazed I found this site. I'm going through a lot and reading these posts has made me feel that I'm not alone. I am asking for an honest appraisal of the situation I'm in, since right now I don't know what to think or do next......

Been involved with my MM for about a year. Met him at work and we became confidants first, then things got romantic. I was in a long term relationship & he was married (still is). I ended mine, after being found out. It was brutally painful to end things with my ex, but I wanted to and did. MM was found out too. We both moved out of our homes. We then moved in together, but after a month he left to go resolve his issues with his wife, and I ended up going back to my ex. My reconciliation did not work out, his was whatever it was, but they did not go back to living in the same house. He was supposed to have NC with me, but we did start talking again after a couple months. We ended up falling for each other all over again.

So, fast forward to today. We are living together again. He has visitation with his child three times a week. He says he is still legally separated, and is supposedly working on an updated separation agreement. So, get this, this is where I'm having trouble. He is going to agree to provide health insurance for his wife until the child is 5 (about 2 1/2 years) and she can work full time and get benefits.......... by staying married to her, because he can't afford cobra. They are in a very bad financial situation, this I know. He doesn't want to leave her uninsured. He says if he can afford cobra sooner than 2 1/2 years, he will do that and she will agree to the divorce, no fighting, no court battles.

Am I crazy to agree to this???? I love him dearly, and he's very good to me in other ways. He's met my family and they like him very much. Things are wonderful, but terrible at the same time, because he knows I have a hard time being the other woman, but his hands are tied financially. He says if this 2 1/2 years goes by and then things end cleanly, it will be easier than fighting in court with her for a lot longer than 2 1/2 years.

(sigh)

Am I stupid? Am I gullible? Am I being taken for a ride? Somebody please help before I lose my mind. Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What he's suggesting seems to make sense financially. You said yourself they are in bad shape with money.

 

You are no longer the OW by the way and maybe that's something you really need to recognise. They tried to work it out and they couldn't. You are the woman in his life now.

 

What is it that truly worries you about him staying married to her?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
livinginlimbo

Thank you for your reply. I guess I still feel like the OW because she is still legally his wife, not in practice, but in formality. What worries me about him staying married to her is that we can't be married, and we've both expressed a deep desire to do that, and 2 1/2 years seems like forever. Maybe I have a problem with the whole "having patience" thing. And that she will have a guarantee, in writing, of what she wants (health insurance) and I have basically nothing. Not that life really gives any guarantees, I guess.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two and a half years isn't long surely? You've only been dating one year. Why not focus on the fact that you two are now together and enjoy the next two and a half years really getting to know each other while sharing a home.

 

Being married does not secure your relationship - just ask his ex. Maybe you feel you need the wedding ring to show the world and especially his ex that you're not just a fling?

 

I think you need to relax and "smell the flowers". The two of you have been thru some tough times in order to be together, why not take a break from all that worrying?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am seriously questioning the whole "have to provide insurance" for her deal. Depending on the state she lives in, there are resources available to her, even if she is only working part time or not at all and most states now provide coverage for children. Granted, it's not FULL coverage, but there is no need for her to be uninsured.

 

He can still provide insurance for his child under his own coverage as a dependant.

 

Just my opinion, but if he is cutting the ties, then he needs to do so.

Link to post
Share on other sites

it may very well be that this *is* the best option in his case to be able to provide for his child.

 

sounds like he's trying to do right by his child, and therefore the child's mother, because no matter what he does or who he is with, he is bound to them the rest of his life and the child's life. Meaning, if you plan to be with this guy, and he's doing the honorable thing by stepping up for the kid, you're going to have to accept that this is how it's going to be for the next couple of years.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken
I am seriously questioning the whole "have to provide insurance" for her deal. Depending on the state she lives in, there are resources available to her, even if she is only working part time or not at all and most states now provide coverage for children. Granted, it's not FULL coverage, but there is no need for her to be uninsured.

 

He can still provide insurance for his child under his own coverage as a dependant.

 

Just my opinion, but if he is cutting the ties, then he needs to do so.

 

 

In a majority of states, if the wife has been a stay at home mom, the system will insist that he continue to provide insurance for her until the child is school age. It is part of preventing as little upheaval as possible for the child, by mom having to work after the dad moves out.

 

In some states he would even be required to help her until she is either educated to provide for herself or she has a job that can enable her to care for herself in a manner(from what you said, with debt, that won't be hard)to which she has become accustomed. Unless he wishes to become a deadbeat dad, like he became a dead beat spouse.

 

I don't mean to sound cruel, but really the only say so you as the ow has in this situation is whether or not you will wait until he is divorced, whenever that is. You are still legally the outsider in that family unit. So if providing her with insurance gets him in your bed every night, what's the gripe?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My H and I were 'legally separated' for more than 4 years before I finally filed for divorce.

 

Most of it had to do with health insurance benefits.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Bent... Wow, I never thought about the health insurance coverage.... I guess I will be dealing with that too. I know the children would be under the plan as dependents, but the spouse... Does anyone know how much corbra would cost monthly... I guess I learn something new everyday....

Link to post
Share on other sites

The cost of COBRA coverage is based on the cost of the plan to the employer so every plan will be different.

 

http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_cobra.HTML this gives you all the information you need on COBRA.

 

I think you are making a bigger deal of this then it is. He is separated he is working on a divorce agreement. He is doing what he needs to do for his children. If you are able to accept the fact that the finances are a problem then why not accept that he is acting responsibly to care for his family and find a solution?

 

its not a clean slate this is a man with a family and financial obligations. But he loves you and you are together. Glass half full....

Link to post
Share on other sites
LakesideDream

Aside from what many are apt to say, 30 months isn't a long time. Months pass by so quick for me, I can't even grab them and they are gone.

 

If this is "the guy", and you are willing to gamble, why not? The only thing harder than love, is living without it. You don't seem to want that.

 

Good luck, and keep in touch on LS. Most folks here are pretty reasonable.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if this sounds flippant, but i am sincere. It seems to me , in light of your willingness to have an affair, that the concept of being "married" has little meaning for you. So, I do not understand why his status makes a difference to you.

What he is proposing makes perfect sense as his company will be footing the bill for a large part of her premium, a premium he seems to think will come out of his pocket if he fights her on this. That's a judgement call on his and his attorny's part.Prsumably, his legal counsel knows the lay of the land in your jurisdiction and can advise him.

But, again, it seems silly to worry about his remaining married in name when the concept of marriage means so little to you in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
livinginlimbo

Thank you everyone for all your comments. Each one made me think, and helped me gain some much needed perspective. Tonight me and MM had a very honest conversation about the whole thing and I told him some of the replies I had gotten on this site, and our discussion was a revelation. I guess there are some things that are too hard to say until someone else says them for you (as some of you did here), then you can admit them. Yes, for me it's all about insecurity, and for him it's all about alleviating some small part of his guilt by doing right by her in terms of health coverage. So, glass half full, half full of a lot of very good things that don't have to be overshadowed by the difficult things. Again, thank you so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady

WTH is wrong with you people?!

 

Why don't you look up TogetherForever?

 

There's always financial reasons for staying "legally" married. Do you want to be the OW forever? Because that's how people will see you until they're really divorced on paper. Look at Bent's post.

 

Personally I see it as a tie/excuse. And he left once and went back. Who's to say it won't happen again?

 

Why does he have to provide insurance for her anyway? When you divorce, you divorce.

 

And 2 and half years is a hella long time. Especially with all the marital and financial stress.

 

I wouldn't be ok with it. It affects the two of you's future. Insurance for the kids, of course. Besides who knows what the W will want in 2 and half years. Nothing good for you i'm sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would try to get him to focus on his financial issues as they are straitjacketing him; until there is a light at the end of that tunnel you will have many reasons to remain insecure. He needs a reasonable plan both for separating/divorcing as well as for emergencies. You will feel much more secure knowing he is prepared because unprepared, yes, there is a greater chance he may go back out of pure financial necessity.

 

The world economy is not in good shape right now and if things worsen he may be delayed in extricating himself. He needs to plan for that too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WTH is wrong with you people?!

 

There's always financial reasons for staying "legally" married. Do you want to be the OW forever? Because that's how people will see you until they're really divorced on paper.

They are in a very bad financial situation, this I know.
He and his wife are in dire financial straits, I believe this is usually termed "baggage."

 

 

 

 

Personally I see it as a tie/excuse. And he left once and went back. Who's to say it won't happen again?

We then moved in together, but after a month he left to go resolve his issues with his wife, and I ended up going back to my ex. My reconciliation did not work out,
Apparently, they both went back.

 

 

 

 

Why does he have to provide insurance for her anyway? When you divorce, you divorce.
Why doesn't he simply gain custody of the child as the better provider and turn his back on her? Especially if she is the only one responsible for their financial crisis. I mean we can't have anyone waiting or inconvenienced, now can we?

 

Insurance for the Mother of his child as that child's primary caretaker isn't exactly a luxury item. Mother's well-being and health has a profound impact -- especially on small children.

 

As responsible adults we might be expected to tolerate some measure of inconvenience, even discomfort, as opposed to seeing Mother living on the streets and a small child thrust into an uncomfortable living arrangement with Father and a stranger.

 

 

And 2 and half years is a hella long time. Especially with all the marital and financial stress.

 

I wouldn't be ok with it. It affects the two of you's future. Insurance for the kids, of course. Besides who knows what the W will want in 2 and half years. Nothing good for you i'm sure.

Hmm, illustrative...

 

I suppose on the other hand she could throw a tantrum and storm away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's perfectly reasonable in many ways. On the other hand, what other financial obligations will he still have to her... debts run up over the next 2.5 years..? And what happens if she gets a new boyfriend?

 

I'd also make sure that the W isn't being spun a completely different line, i.e. make sure he's not giving her the impression that the emotional part of the marriage is not properly over, and giving her (false?) hope. That particular door needs to be closed, firmly, and not getting a divorce could be sending a wooly message. You say he's met your family, but have you been similarly introduced to his, or are you still a secret?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's perfectly reasonable in many ways. On the other hand, what other financial obligations will he still have to her... debts run up over the next 2.5 years..? And what happens if she gets a new boyfriend?

 

I'd also make sure that the W isn't being spun a completely different line, i.e. make sure he's not giving her the impression that the emotional part of the marriage is not properly over, and giving her (false?) hope. That particular door needs to be closed, firmly, and not getting a divorce could be sending a wooly message. You say he's met your family, but have you been similarly introduced to his, or are you still a secret?

 

You make a very good point. If the wife were to run up debts, livinginlimbo's man would be responsible for them. This needs to be established between husband and wife as well as the emotional side of things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
livinginlimbo

Woke up this morning feeling much better. Here's some more details of my situation, things that all of your posts have made me think about...........

Yes, I think she knows the emotional part is over. I've actually had contact with her via email a couple times, and she has flat out said that she knows the divorce is going to happen. I've seen her yahoo personals page and know she goes on the site every day, and he knows she is in contact with at least one guy.

I haven't met his family, his mom lives in North Carolina and his brother lives in Tenessee. But I've been right in the same room with him when he's mentioned me to his Mom, and just yesterday he said he wants to take a picture of me and him to send to his Mom so she can see me.

I am 39 years old, financially secure, and not planning on having any kids, so there's no pressure there to resolve everything tomorrow. I guess I've come to the conclusion that there's no reason not to give this a fair chance. If at some point I feel like I'm not being satisfied by our relationship, it would be OK for me to call the whole thing off and pick up the pieces and move on. So, I'm not trapped. In the meantime, I have him in body and heart, and he does everything he can to support our life together, whether it be cooking or cleaning or taking care of the cats. He's definitely pulling his weight. Who knows what tomorrow brings? My last relationship was a big emotional drain, and even though I knew I had my ex and didn't fear losing him, I just didn't want him and was mostly belittled and treated like an idiot. So the way MM behaves toward me is very refreshing, and it's maintained for over a year, and I think I just need to learn to appriciate that. Thank you all for making me think, and helping me realize this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband is not, typically, responsible for personal debts of his wife. If he co-signs or co=applies for something, he would be. But, something like a credit card in the wife's name is not his problem. It's simply a personal contract between the wife and her creditor.

Link to post
Share on other sites
A husband is not, typically, responsible for personal debts of his wife. If he co-signs or co=applies for something, he would be. But, something like a credit card in the wife's name is not his problem. It's simply a personal contract between the wife and her creditor.

 

Yes but come the divorce when both partners declare their assets and debts, wouldn't her debts be taken into account when hubby has to pay her maintenance? After all, the wife in question doesn't work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The mutual debts could be considered. But, typically, when there is a physical seperation, as is contemplated here, the debts that accrue after seperating stay with that person alone. But, not always.

Bottom line, if she is in a position to get spousal maintenance, she's probably in a position to get the maintneance upped enough to include the COBRA payment. So, maybe a seperation agreement would work and cover how future debts will be handled. He could check with HR to see if a seperation disqualifies his wife from coverage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Livinginlimbo -

 

Health Insurance is no small problem, and I can see where it is important for him to keep her covered. Because of the age of their child, and because she not been working full time during the marriage - the courts will stipulate in the divorce that he has to pay to have her covered for whatever time period they deem fair. Cobra is very expensive, and he is choosing the practical course of staying married until the child is in school.

HOWEVER....it should also be noted that the length of a marriage is a major factor in divorce settlements. The longer they are legally married, the longer he continues to be her main means of support - the more the court will take into consideration the length of his obligation.

 

His staying married is CERTAINLY not the answer here.

 

You said you were financially secure with no children of your own. You love him and are willing to accept the fact that he has some baggage. Who doesnt? Since you are already partners in almost every sense but on paper - why not share the cost of the health coverage payments with him so that you can move on together?

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
Yes but come the divorce when both partners declare their assets and debts, wouldn't her debts be taken into account when hubby has to pay her maintenance? After all, the wife in question doesn't work.

 

Yes, they would in any community property state. And her maintenance would be paid according to the AMOUNT OF TIME they have been married. If she doesn't work and they've been married for 10 years, the alimony would be for the rest of her life or until she remarries.

 

So add 2.5 years to the time they've already been married, plus the actually getting ready to file date.

 

How many years is that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...