He's bbbaaaAAAAAaaacck....

[blueberry]

He's back from Mauritius, looking tanned and blonder.

 

First time we have seen each other in a month.

 

We've been at work for over half a day and already I've had a several emails and a few texts - all of which I have responded to. We've just had lunch too.

 

I LOVE to hate this and I HATE to love it.

 

Looks like NC has gone out the window (along with my undergarments no doubt).

 

Not ready (or hurt enough) perhaps.

[JamesM]

Is there a question here?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Is there a question here?

 

No, I believe she just likes to publicize her weakness.

[angie2443]

I LOVE to hate this and I HATE to love it.

 

Looks like NC has gone out the window (along with my undergarments no doubt).

 

Not ready (or hurt enough) perhaps.

 

You're just addicted to the drama. If you except that's a part of your personality, you'll be much happier.

[JamesM]

Well, I am going to assume that there is a question here. And I see the question as has been asked before as....what do I do?

 

And it is a legitimate one.

 

I first want to say that I understand the feelings that you have. I was "in love" with a girl who lived with her BF. She and I had an "affair" right under his nose. I still wonder who he thought I was....I think she told him I was gay. Not that I cared...as long as HE did not make passes at me. Anyhow, I tried to break it off with her three different times with the last one being the successful one. And why? Because I met my wife and this girl had a new job. During the times that I went back to her, I had friend who I moaned to about the addiction I had to this girl...yet I never made the steps to leave her. And that is because I really did not want to leave her.

 

So I see here.

 

I have some recommendations for you. None may be easy, but if you truly want to change this relationship, they will be necessary.

 

First, ask about his trip...and especially ask about how he AND his partner enjoyed it. What did SHE like about it and remark how you would or wouldn't like the same things.

 

Second, every day, ask about his partner. Don't overdo it, but let it be known that she is a part of his life, and you have not forgotten her.

 

Third, if at all possible, meet her. Even go as far as going out to lunch with the two of them. This makes it clear to him that she is part of him in your mind...despite the past, and it makes it clear to her that you consider her a part of his life.

 

Fourth, never have lunches alone with him. His goal is to have more sex with you and nothing more. He does not need you for a friendship...or he would not try to have sex with you. He wants you as his woman on the side. So lunches to him are a way of seducing you. Been there, done that.

 

Fifth, begin dating other men. I understand how traumatic your last marriage has been, but remember that this guy is probably appealing to you because you need someone right now. He is NOT the one. All you are doing is setting yourself up for failure with him. And maybe even in your subconscious you are actually out to get revenge on your husband in a strange sort of way.

 

SO....the decision is yours. Continue in pain or start anew. I promise he will quit trying if you make it clear that you do not want any sort of sexual relationship.

[chasingrainbows25]

Not ready (or hurt enough) perhaps.

 

You will be and believe me. As much as you seem thrilled by the drama of it all, remember there are good people here to help when the drama stops and you're left with what seems like nothing, a black gloomy place that you think you'll never recover from.

 

Think it wont happen? I'd stake my life on it.

[blueberry]

A weakness indeed. We are here because we all have weaknesses - it wouldn't be much of a forum otherwise.

 

Addicted to the drama?

 

Christ people!! Put your claws away!

 

I DO like to publicize my weaknesses, yes. Usually that way I get a good flaming from certain posters and the whole thing reminds me that it is just that - a weakness (and a drama).

 

So thanks.

 

I think.

 

**************

 

Thanks James, nuggets of wisdom and nothing that I haven't already heard. Good to reread. So thanks.

[Terminator]

Blue fwiw, I've also seen people stuck in marriages whom I would say only stay in their M because they are "addicted to the drama" - so yes, take the comments with a grain of salt (or a whole packet if needs be)

[JamesM]

 

Thanks James, nuggets of wisdom and nothing that I haven't already heard. Good to reread. So thanks.

 

You're welcome. The question is....have you tried or done these things that you have already heard?

 

Are you GOING to try some or all of these things you have already heard?

 

Personally, from my own experience, they work but only if acted upon.

 

Hearing great advice and doing nothing is like looking at the most delicious water and not taking a drink.

[jj33]

Well, I am going to assume that there is a question here. And I see the question as has been asked before as....what do I do?

 

And it is a legitimate one.

 

I first want to say that I understand the feelings that you have. I was "in love" with a girl who lived with her BF. She and I had an "affair" right under his nose. I still wonder who he thought I was....I think she told him I was gay. Not that I cared...as long as HE did not make passes at me. Anyhow, I tried to break it off with her three different times with the last one being the successful one. And why? Because I met my wife and this girl had a new job. During the times that I went back to her, I had friend who I moaned to about the addiction I had to this girl...yet I never made the steps to leave her. And that is because I really did not want to leave her.

 

So I see here.

 

I have some recommendations for you. None may be easy, but if you truly want to change this relationship, they will be necessary.

 

First, ask about his trip...and especially ask about how he AND his partner enjoyed it. What did SHE like about it and remark how you would or wouldn't like the same things.

 

Second, every day, ask about his partner. Don't overdo it, but let it be known that she is a part of his life, and you have not forgotten her.

 

Third, if at all possible, meet her. Even go as far as going out to lunch with the two of them. This makes it clear to him that she is part of him in your mind...despite the past, and it makes it clear to her that you consider her a part of his life.

 

Fourth, never have lunches alone with him. His goal is to have more sex with you and nothing more. He does not need you for a friendship...or he would not try to have sex with you. He wants you as his woman on the side. So lunches to him are a way of seducing you. Been there, done that.

 

Fifth, begin dating other men. I understand how traumatic your last marriage has been, but remember that this guy is probably appealing to you because you need someone right now. He is NOT the one. All you are doing is setting yourself up for failure with him. And maybe even in your subconscious you are actually out to get revenge on your husband in a strange sort of way.

 

SO....the decision is yours. Continue in pain or start anew. I promise he will quit trying if you make it clear that you do not want any sort of sexual relationship.

 

James you make a really good point. If these men really wanted us as friends and really cared about whether they had a friendship with us, they wouldnt continue to try to put things back on a sexual level once we have said no more the partys over.

 

You dont repeatedly try to introduce sex into a relationship with someone you really care about to sex if you want to have them in your life in the longer term.

 

On the other hand if you see them as someone who fills in the gaps at the moment (sexual flirting etc) then... it makes total sense to proceed on that basis.

[greengoddess]

Seriously, can anyone here besides the poster imagine being with a man before he goes on a two week exotic vacation with his girlfriend and then agreeing to be with him after the exotic vacation?

 

Value yourself more than this and find a real man.

[jj33]

Seriously, can anyone here besides the poster imagine being with a man before he goes on a two week exotic vacation with his girlfriend and then agreeing to be with him after the exotic vacation?

 

Value yourself more than this and find a real man.

 

Ah here we go again with the your situation is more pathetic than mine....

 

Green Goddess you cant be serious. Have you read some of the threads and what some of the people here have endured to continue being with the MM?

 

Why is Blueberry's situation so different than being with someone who goes home to his W after she sees him? Its really not. The only difference is the venue. So her MM has the money to go to Mauritius? That isnt the issue.

 

Most of the time when an OW thinks she is the only light in an MMs otherwise miserable life she is rationalizing. If he were that miserable he would have jumped ship a long time ago.

 

So whether he goes to Mauritius on vacation or stays home and mopes in Toledo doesnt really matter.

 

Either the OW is OK with being the OW or she is not. Or she is not really OK with it but in it anyway because she cant pull yourself away as is the case with so many posters.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[greengoddess]

I repeat value yourself more than this.

 

Obviously she is not his first choice if he is off vacationing with his girlfriend. It's not his wife but his girlfriend. The man is not even married. What does how much money he has have to do with it? He obviously from his vacation choice with his girlfriend chose her.

 

JJ why would you ever NOT tell her to run and value herself more? Why would you ever think it is ok for a woman to be in this situation and to be second best and placed behind his girlfriend? Why would being treated that way be ok to you?

 

If this were my daughter I would be telling her she is a fool and wasting her life on someone who puts her behind his girlfriend. She needs to respect herself and her BODY enough to not put up with this kind of treatment.

 

Blueberry please tell me you don't believe that they didn't have sex in this romantic setting?

[jj33]

Green Goddess I agree with 100%. She is not doing herself any favors. But to say noone else on the boards would do such a thing...

 

Im sure you meant well. In reading your response perhaps you meant to shame or embarrass her into walking away. But to say noone else would stoop so low....

 

if only it were true. Its amazing how often people do things that are not in their best interests because it seems like the right thing at the time.

 

And of course they had sex but most MMs have sex with their wives. I just dont see how this is so much worse than most of the other stories posted on here.

 

The difference is this guy has a nice life and the flaws are not so obvious on the surface.... hes not so different than the guy with 3 kids who sneaks off to be with someone for an hour here or there. He still has little to give an OW who wants more.

 

Also Blueberry is in the UK where living together in a long term partnership is very common. Loads of people live together for years and dont marry. But it doesnt mean the relationship is less difficult to unravel than a marraige. So if you are saying hes not even married I dont see that as a real distinction.

 

Im not saying I think Blueberry is doing something good for herself I am just saying its no worse than any of the other stories we read on here.

[greengoddess]

Green Goddess I agree with 100%. She is not doing herself any favors. But to say noone else on the boards would do such a thing...

 

Im sure you meant well. In reading your response perhaps you meant to shame or embarrass her into walking away. But to say noone else would stoop so low....

 

if only it were true. Its amazing how often people do things that are not in their best interests because it seems like the right thing at the time.

 

And of course they had sex but most MMs have sex with their wives. I just dont see how this is so much worse than most of the other stories posted on here.

 

The difference is this guy has a nice life and the flaws are not so obvious on the surface.... hes not so different than the guy with 3 kids who sneaks off to be with someone for an hour here or there. He still has little to give an OW who wants more.

 

Also Blueberry is in the UK where living together in a long term partnership is very common. Loads of people live together for years and dont marry. But it doesnt mean the relationship is less difficult to unravel than a marraige. So if you are saying hes not even married I dont see that as a real distinction.

 

Im not saying I think Blueberry is doing something good for herself I am just saying its no worse than any of the other stories we read on here.

 

I NEVER said stoop so low. YOU DID.

I also NEVER said no one else would do this and stoop this low. YOU DID. I ASKED if anyone else would do this? Which gives plenty of opportunity for someone to raise their hand and say sure I would do this. I would remain with a man before and after his exotic vacation with his girlfriend thus totally validating what she said and trying to make us understand..

YOU put words into what I said and changed the meaning to bad and LOW not me.

[jj33]

excuse me if I misinterpreted your words. That was how I read it I am glad I was wrong

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I like to hope that eventually, all these head-over OWs come to their senses and see their own value and ACT on it. Thing is, you can't talk somebody into something like that. Berating a person for their choices only makes them defend their choices.

 

There's very few people on here who WANT to be the OW/OM. That's where the problem lies--people want more but won't allow themselves to get it. They create lives where they ensure that they will NEVER get what they want, for whatever reason.

[jj33]

When I was with MM he went on loads of vacations. They used to go away with friends several times a year. Do I think they slept together? No why would they if they havent in years. Its what they did and still do. its their life. They go on great vacations. The time he was away with her and their friends was no different than the times he was home. They are married. I personally dont see the difference.

 

If someone is involved with someone else and not leaving, how the time is spent doesnt really matter as far as I am concerned. They are still unavailable for a full time relationship and either that suits you or it doesnt.

 

Why the constant value judgements? Why is one situation more awful than the next? Very few people other than Lizzie and OW are really OK with it. I was OK with it for awhile and when I wasnt I got out. People that arent ok with it get out in their own time. Telling them its wrong or they should value themselves more doesnt really make a difference so far as I can see. People do what they do when they are ready to do it. And the other person (the MM) does what he wants to do. Sometimes he leaves the marriage sometimes he doesnt.

[blueberry]

strip away the intricute details of ALL OF our situations:

 

the hot married man / woman, the secrets, the openess, the lies, the truths, the money, the lack of, the stress, the holidays, the step kids, the proximity in the office, the neighbour, the best friend,the ow/om/o whatever, blah blah blah.... when you break it down, it doesn't matter. we're all experiencing a f*cked up situ.

 

we're feeling something for someone else that society has deemed a no-no. i'd love to meet these rule-makers. its all free will.

 

in my situ - luckily, he has no kids. thats the only thing i would truly take issue with and run a green mile.

 

i am here because i want to be honest - someway/somehow. because by doing it, sharing my journey, it makes me feel more human - regardless of the actions i choose to make with my SO.

 

THIS is my forum. a sounding board. a smack round the ears when (or indeed IF) i need it. I am merely keeping you informed, and therefore myself, in check.

 

this forum is as open as a most of our legs are at the weakest of times. so do me a favour and hop off that high horse before you break something. life is life - however you choose to stumble through it. i'd rather experience an amazing connection with someone and eventually watch him make his life with someone else - than never to have ever experienced him at all. i'm prepared for the crying and wailing and teeth gnashing.

 

foolish? maybe. Brave? without a doubt.

[greengoddess]

strip away the intricute details of ALL OF our situations:

 

the hot married man / woman, the secrets, the openess, the lies, the truths, the money, the lack of, the stress, the holidays, the step kids, the proximity in the office, the neighbour, the best friend,the ow/om/o whatever, blah blah blah.... when you break it down, it doesn't matter. we're all experiencing a f*cked up situ.

 

we're feeling something for someone else that society has deemed a no-no. i'd love to meet these rule-makers. its all free will.

 

in my situ - luckily, he has no kids. thats the only thing i would truly take issue with and run a green mile.

 

i am here because i want to be honest - someway/somehow. because by doing it, sharing my journey, it makes me feel more human - regardless of the actions i choose to make with my SO.

 

THIS is my forum. a sounding board. a smack round the ears when (or indeed IF) i need it. I am merely keeping you informed, and therefore myself, in check.

 

this forum is as open as a most of our legs are at the weakest of times. so do me a favour and hop off that high horse before you break something. life is life - however you choose to stumble through it. i'd rather experience an amazing connection with someone and eventually watch him make his life with someone else - than never to have ever experienced him at all. i'm prepared for the crying and wailing and teeth gnashing.

 

foolish? maybe. Brave? without a doubt.

 

Hi, not having children is another reason why you should run or demand more. He will not give you more. You will remain second best if you let him treat her to the lovely vacations and then come home to F$%^ you. Seriously you are worth more than this and I think you know that and that's why you get so defensive and think people are riding a high horse when they aren't. When they just want you to see what we see. To see your worth and not be treated as someone's second best.

[blueberry]

GreenGoddess - Thanks for your comments, and I appreciate you taking your foot off the aggressive pedal somewhat. However, I don't think you're quite hearing me.

 

I'm well aware of the situation and what he is prepared to do and not do. I have never - and will never - issue him an ultimatum.

 

Does this mean I do not have self-worth? Not at all. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I entered into this dangerous liason because it was SAFE for me. He couldn't get close. It was a win/win situation.

 

<if you find it hard to understand what I am banging on about - read my previous posts from a couple of years ago>

 

And Now? Well, now - I fall. And I have no-one to blame but me. So bare with me whilst I work through this. If I feel the need to post silly, dramatic updates to my situation - the I will post silly, dramatic updates to my situation.

[jj33]

i'd rather experience an amazing connection with someone and eventually watch him make his life with someone else - than never to have ever experienced him at all. i'm prepared for the crying and wailing and teeth gnashing.

 

foolish? maybe. Brave? without a doubt.

 

That was exactly how I felt when I was in it that it well said.

[blueberry]

That was exactly how I felt when I was in it that it well said.

 

 

eyes are open eh...

[MizzBlue72]

Go easy on her guys - she is having a bad day. Everyone has bad days and are sometimes weak!

 

When you are ready to start NC again, you will. If this is what you need right now, then have it. When you hit your bottom, you will know.

[whichwayisup]

Addicted to the drama?

 

Christ people!! Put your claws away!

 

See the part I bolded. Some get addicted to that rush of the hi's and low's. F*cked situation or not, the drama and rollercoaster ride is still there..

 

strip away the intricute details of ALL OF our situations:

 

the hot married man / woman, the secrets, the openess, the lies, the truths, the money, the lack of, the stress, the holidays, the step kids, the proximity in the office, the neighbour, the best friend,the ow/om/o whatever, blah blah blah.... when you break it down, it doesn't matter. we're all experiencing a f*cked up situ.

 

we're feeling something for someone else that society has deemed a no-no. i'd love to meet these rule-makers. its all free will.

 

in my situ - luckily, he has no kids. thats the only thing i would truly take issue with and run a green mile.

 

i am here because i want to be honest - someway/somehow. because by doing it, sharing my journey, it makes me feel more human - regardless of the actions i choose to make with my SO.

 

THIS is my forum. a sounding board. a smack round the ears when (or indeed IF) i need it. I am merely keeping you informed, and therefore myself, in check.

 

this forum is as open as a most of our legs are at the weakest of times. so do me a favour and hop off that high horse before you break something. life is life - however you choose to stumble through it. i'd rather experience an amazing connection with someone and eventually watch him make his life with someone else - than never to have ever experienced him at all. i'm prepared for the crying and wailing and teeth gnashing.

 

foolish? maybe. Brave? without a doubt.

 

I hope real soon you gain the strength to walk away and heal yourself. When you've had enough, you'll end it.