Severely Depressed - Need To Check In

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I just dont know how to get out of this dark place Ive been in for months. I cry all the time, never go out unless its to work, it has affected every area of my life. I am forced to move to a new city in 3 weeks as I cant cope with living in this town much longer, I can barely leave the house just in case I bump into MM & his fam. Also have lost my job from being incapable of doing it like I used to due cos of the severe depression. For reasons too complex to go into I have not spoken to my parents or seen some of my best friends since it all happened in June so very much alone in all this.

 

Some background info:

 

Im 26 & got involved with a MM of 48, he was a roommate for over a year as he was working away from home & needed a place to stay during weekdays in this area. He moved out of the house at the end of June this year because W&K moved up to this town to be with him which broke my heart. It was mainly an EA for most of the year then when he gave a months notice to our landlord in May things got physical, we did everything apart from penetration.

 

Since he moved out Ive only heard from him twice even though he did say he would keep in regular contact with me, didnt love W anymore (although did say he didnt love me either) & was only staying for the K & would *possibly* consider leaving but that he didnt know what the future held. First visit from him was to give me the keys back & promised he would call then didnt. He then called out of the blue 5 weeks later & came round to the house & tried to get me to have intercourse - as much as I wanted to I still didnt but once again we did oral. The liason was on 25th July & thats the last I saw/heard of him after he promised he would call 'very soon'.

 

So thats now over 11 weeks of NC on his terms & I will probably never see him again.

 

Have felt physically ill for over 2 weeks & have missed about 6 days of work because of it, my boss actually doesnt believe me that I was genuinely sick - she said I look fine! I was so offended as I would never fake sickness to skive but she obviously thinks I took time off to look for a job/apartment in the new city but in reality Ive been too ill to do that! She blatantly doesnt trust me at all anymore - I think its cos she knows I was involved with a MM therefore Im not trustworthy. She is treating me terribly & you can just tell shes counting the hours until I leave on 31st Oct. In fact she even asked me if I could leave sooner! My self esteem is just so sky high right now - NOT.

 

Went to the Dr earlier in the week & she diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress & is arranging for me to see a therapist.

Im so low that in no way am I in a fit mental state to be able to hold down another job right now so may have to go on welfare for the first time in my life. I cannot even describe the hurt Im still going through, it feels like a physical pain & every day is an uphill struggle.

 

Alot of the LS members & the friends I have told think I was groomed in a predatory way (see my first thread) by the MM - I just cannot get my head round why he would do that to me when he could see exactly what it was doing to me he willingly caused me pain. Just for conquest, control & manipulation. Im furious that his life is probably ticking along just fine & his wife & kids think hes just great - well he f***ing aint! Look what hes done to me! Its not fair that hes got away with ruining my life. Does his W not realize shes married to a complete a**hole?

 

Extra upset right now as I stupidly looked at his eldest kids social network page (Im not a friend, she barely knows me but I was still able to access it) & although it said nothing about her Father it just said shes very happy in this new town with lots of new friends & goes to the best college in the area. This upset me cos it reminded me of how much time has passed & how much has changed since he moved the family to the area in June, also pissed off cos thats what hes like - puts his kids in the most expensive schools/colleges, lives in the nicest area of this town, is very successful - on the face of it they must seem like the perfect family, if only everyone knew how awful he is!!!

Also started to pack my stuff up & tidy my room today & found the condom wrapper that he must have chucked down the side of my bed last time he came in July to tried & penetrate me.

 

Yet despite everything I still have deep feelings for him that I just cant switch off - I feel a mixture of love, lust, anger, jelousy & heartbreak towards him & also very sexually frustrated. How can I start to move forward when this MM situation has taken my whole life into a downward spiral?!

[Meaplus3]

I just dont know how to get out of this dark place Ive been in for months. I cry all the time, never go out unless its to work, it has affected every area of my life. I am forced to move to a new city in 3 weeks as I cant cope with living in this town much longer, I can barely leave the house just in case I bump into MM & his fam. Also have lost my job from being incapable of doing it like I used to due cos of the severe depression. For reasons too complex to go into I have not spoken to my parents or seen some of my best friends since it all happened in June so very much alone in all this.

 

Some background info:

 

Im 26 & got involved with a MM of 48, he was a roommate for over a year as he was working away from home & needed a place to stay during weekdays in this area. He moved out of the house at the end of June this year because W&K moved up to this town to be with him which broke my heart. It was mainly an EA for most of the year then when he gave a months notice to our landlord in May things got physical, we did everything apart from penetration.

 

Since he moved out Ive only heard from him twice even though he did say he would keep in regular contact with me, didnt love W anymore (although did say he didnt love me either) & was only staying for the K & would *possibly* consider leaving but that he didnt know what the future held. First visit from him was to give me the keys back & promised he would call then didnt. He then called out of the blue 5 weeks later & came round to the house & tried to get me to have intercourse - as much as I wanted to I still didnt but once again we did oral. The liason was on 25th July & thats the last I saw/heard of him after he promised he would call 'very soon'.

 

So thats now over 11 weeks of NC on his terms & I will probably never see him again.

 

Have felt physically ill for over 2 weeks & have missed about 6 days of work because of it, my boss actually doesnt believe me that I was genuinely sick - she said I look fine! I was so offended as I would never fake sickness to skive but she obviously thinks I took time off to look for a job/apartment in the new city but in reality Ive been too ill to do that! She blatantly doesnt trust me at all anymore - I think its cos she knows I was involved with a MM therefore Im not trustworthy. She is treating me terribly & you can just tell shes counting the hours until I leave on 31st Oct. In fact she even asked me if I could leave sooner! My self esteem is just so sky high right now - NOT.

 

Went to the Dr earlier in the week & she diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress & is arranging for me to see a therapist.

Im so low that in no way am I in a fit mental state to be able to hold down another job right now so may have to go on welfare for the first time in my life. I cannot even describe the hurt Im still going through, it feels like a physical pain & every day is an uphill struggle.

 

Alot of the LS members & the friends I have told think I was groomed in a predatory way (see my first thread) by the MM - I just cannot get my head round why he would do that to me when he could see exactly what it was doing to me he willingly caused me pain. Just for conquest, control & manipulation. Im furious that his life is probably ticking along just fine & his wife & kids think hes just great - well he f***ing aint! Look what hes done to me! Its not fair that hes got away with ruining my life. Does his W not realize shes married to a complete a**hole?

 

Extra upset right now as I stupidly looked at his eldest kids social network page (Im not a friend, she barely knows me but I was still able to access it) & although it said nothing about her Father it just said shes very happy in this new town with lots of new friends & goes to the best college in the area. This upset me cos it reminded me of how much time has passed & how much has changed since he moved the family to the area in June, also pissed off cos thats what hes like - puts his kids in the most expensive schools/colleges, lives in the nicest area of this town, is very successful - on the face of it they must seem like the perfect family, if only everyone knew how awful he is!!!

Also started to pack my stuff up & tidy my room today & found the condom wrapper that he must have chucked down the side of my bed last time he came in July to tried & penetrate me.

 

Yet despite everything I still have deep feelings for him that I just cant switch off - I feel a mixture of love, lust, anger, jelousy & heartbreak towards him & also very sexually frustrated. How can I start to move forward when this MM situation has taken my whole life into a downward spiral?!

 

While I dont know your entire story, it looks to me like you really need to find away to move on from this xmm. It's very normal to have all the feelings your having, however not so much so if they are really messing up your day to day life. Have you considered Therapy? I went to a Therapist at the end of a long emotional affair and I found it to be very helpful. Also, do you have friends who can distract you by keeping you busy? What about outside interests like a hobby? The most important thing is for you to take care of YOURSELF. I know it's tough, but it can be done.. with some hard work. You can do it. Stay strong.

 

AP:)

[Angel1111]

I know you don't believe this but you'll get past this. It probably doesn't feel like it now, but you will. Also, it's actually a good thing that you're letting yourself cry and grieve because that's part of healing. People often try to sedate themselves and never really learn to grieve anymore. It's a process that you just need to go through but it will pass. Losing someone you care this much about is very much like a death. So don't underestimate it's power and how much it can take out of you. But you are going to heal and there is light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

 

I'm glad to know that you'll be moving away. It won't change things right away but it'll be a start. Constantly living in fear of running into him and his family is weighing very heavily on your mind so it's good you're getting away from this. You'll eventually start to love the world around you again, I promise. In the meantime, I hope you'll come here often to talk to us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so sad that anyone ever feels this kind of pain. Hugs, sweety.

[smile711]

heartbroken, please stay strong! You can't be alone right now-you MUST surround yourself with family and friends who can support you. That is the only way that I have made it through 50 days NC with xMM. All of your feelings are completely normal-let yourself feel them. Acknowledge them but don't let them rule you and determine your day. Please see a doctor or counselor or minister or whoever you feel comfortable with as soon as possible. I have been talking to all 3 and they have all helped me immensely. You sound like you are in the throws of a deep depression and you need help out. THERE IS A FUTURE FOR YOU WITHOUT HIM! Please keep posting-we would like to keep tabs on you and make sure you're OK!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I know you don't believe this but you'll get past this. It probably doesn't feel like it now, but you will. Also, it's actually a good thing that you're letting yourself cry and grieve because that's part of healing. People often try to sedate themselves and never really learn to grieve anymore. It's a process that you just need to go through but it will pass. Losing someone you care this much about is very much like a death. So don't underestimate it's power and how much it can take out of you. But you are going to heal and there is light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

 

I'm glad to know that you'll be moving away. It won't change things right away but it'll be a start. Constantly living in fear of running into him and his family is weighing very heavily on your mind so it's good you're getting away from this. You'll eventually start to love the world around you again, I promise. In the meantime, I hope you'll come here often to talk to us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so sad that anyone ever feels this kind of pain. Hugs, sweety.

 

Losing someone you care this much about is very much like a death.

 

In a way its actually worse - with a death you have closure & usually the chance to say goodbye to the person. With this situation hes just been taken from my life with no explanation & its very painful knowing hes just getting on with his life, the new life hes started by moving the W&K to the area & is probably happy with them. Kills me to think of him having sex with his W as well. I just hate it that hes gone from my life and Im suffering yet hes probably just living his like nothing ever happened with me - like I dont exist hence the disappearing act. His actions have also proved he actually doesnt even care about my feelings & never has.

 

Constantly living in fear of running into him and his family is weighing very heavily on your mind so it's good you're getting away from this.

 

Yes I only go out to go to work - evenings & weekends are spent shut in my room with the blinds drawn! I only go grocery shopping if I really have to - I do it very quick in and out after checking the parking lot in case his car is there. Its turned into a phobia, the bus route on the way to work even passes his street so I actually close my eyes when it drives past that bit cos Im scared of seeing his car drive past the bus. Saw a glimpse of him that way soon after he moved out & it had me crying for hours. I fear further pain so to avoid it I try to avoid going out.

 

It's so sad that anyone ever feels this kind of pain. Hugs, sweety

 

Thank you for the support

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

While I dont know your entire story, it looks to me like you really need to find away to move on from this xmm. It's very normal to have all the feelings your having, however not so much so if they are really messing up your day to day life. Have you considered Therapy? I went to a Therapist at the end of a long emotional affair and I found it to be very helpful. Also, do you have friends who can distract you by keeping you busy? What about outside interests like a hobby? The most important thing is for you to take care of YOURSELF. I know it's tough, but it can be done.. with some hard work. You can do it. Stay strong.

 

AP:)

 

Yes saw a Dr earlier this week & was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress & I am being referred to a therapist, waiting to hear back from them. As for hanging out with friends, well most of them live in another area & I have not seen them since June for complex reasons. I have roommates here but feel too depressed to hang out with them most of the time, I usually just come home from work & shut myself in my room. Also as I am still in the same house that MM used to have a room, there are constant reminders of him everywhere. Still feel severe emptiness 4 months on. At least when I move to a new city some of the reminders will be taken away.

[Meaplus3]

Yes saw a Dr earlier this week & was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress & I am being referred to a therapist, waiting to hear back from them. As for hanging out with friends, well most of them live in another area & I have not seen them since June for complex reasons. I have roommates here but feel too depressed to hang out with them most of the time, I usually just come home from work & shut myself in my room. Also as I am still in the same house that MM used to have a room, there are constant reminders of him everywhere. Still feel severe emptiness 4 months on. At least when I move to a new city some of the reminders will be taken away.

 

I'm sorry to hear you were diagnosed with PTS, however therapy will help you with that, so try and feel postive there. I realize you have painful reminders around you and that's never pleasant.. but you can choose not to react to those things. You mention a new city.. so you could always think about what an adventure moving can be.. and look forward to a fresh new start. Hang in there. and keep posting.

 

AP:)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

heartbroken, please stay strong! You can't be alone right now-you MUST surround yourself with family and friends who can support you. That is the only way that I have made it through 50 days NC with xMM. All of your feelings are completely normal-let yourself feel them. Acknowledge them but don't let them rule you and determine your day. Please see a doctor or counselor or minister or whoever you feel comfortable with as soon as possible. I have been talking to all 3 and they have all helped me immensely. You sound like you are in the throws of a deep depression and you need help out. THERE IS A FUTURE FOR YOU WITHOUT HIM! Please keep posting-we would like to keep tabs on you and make sure you're OK!

 

Have seen a Dr, have now been referred to a Therapist so hopefully that will help. The majority of family & friends live 2 hours drive away & for reasons too complex to go into I have not been back to my hometown since all this happened in June so have been lacking much needed support. I try & get them to come & see me here as much as possible. So far only my 2 sisters have visited me.

 

Would like to thank you for your support, have replied to your threads in the past - your situation must have been very hard as well, hope youre doing OK.(((HUGS))) Well done for going 50 days NC!

It must have been soooo hard for you when your MM actually left W & lived with you for 4 months then went back, it cant get much worse than that. I think you know youre better off without your xMM though, I mean he was always intoxicated which is no good at all. You sound like you have gone though similar feelings as me, like when you said its not fair that he gets away with this & everyone respects & likes him but if only they knew what he was really like! And like you, my xMM was alot older - 22 years older than me! People cant believe Im attracted to a guy old enough to be my Father!

[smile711]

heartbroken, I also want you to come to believe in karma. It's gotten me through some tough days. You reap what you sew, what goes around comes around-whatever you want to call it. If someone treats others badly (as our MM have) and doesn't truly feel remorse or want forgiveness, it will come back around to them. If we had our way, it would come back around immediately, but that's not the way the universe works. In time, I promise you, your xMM will realize that he can't do the things he does and get away with them. Until then-you be the best person you can be. Grieve, but live. Remember, but don't dwell. And don't fear the future (which is always my greatest challenge). I have been reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle (outstanding for people in our situation) and here is a quote that struck me the moment I read it-

 

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

 

Tough to hear while in the midst of all this but so true. All you have is this moment. Yesterday is gone-you CANNOT change that. Tomorrow is not here-you CANNOT worry about it. Live in right now, this moment, and let life happen, even when it sucks. This situation will eventually be a piece of the quilt that is your life-how big and how important of a piece it becomes is up to you. It needs to be only a little piece, heartbroken. You and I are young and we have a lot of living to do. We need to stop giving our time away to these older men with no consciences. I am here for you anytime!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

heartbroken, I also want you to come to believe in karma. It's gotten me through some tough days. You reap what you sew, what goes around comes around-whatever you want to call it. If someone treats others badly (as our MM have) and doesn't truly feel remorse or want forgiveness, it will come back around to them. If we had our way, it would come back around immediately, but that's not the way the universe works. In time, I promise you, your xMM will realize that he can't do the things he does and get away with them. Until then-you be the best person you can be. Grieve, but live. Remember, but don't dwell. And don't fear the future (which is always my greatest challenge). I have been reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle (outstanding for people in our situation) and here is a quote that struck me the moment I read it-

 

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

 

Tough to hear while in the midst of all this but so true. All you have is this moment. Yesterday is gone-you CANNOT change that. Tomorrow is not here-you CANNOT worry about it. Live in right now, this moment, and let life happen, even when it sucks. This situation will eventually be a piece of the quilt that is your life-how big and how important of a piece it becomes is up to you. It needs to be only a little piece, heartbroken. You and I are young and we have a lot of living to do. We need to stop giving our time away to these older men with no consciences. I am here for you anytime!

 

You reap what you sew, what goes around comes around-whatever you want to call it. If someone treats others badly (as our MM have) and doesn't truly feel remorse or want forgiveness, it will come back around to them.

 

Yes I would like to think that what goes around comes around but Im wondering whether some people just go through life being complete obnoxious a**holes & get away with it. I mean take my xMM. Hes very clever, really good looking, successful, earns good money, has a lovely wife & 4 beautiful kids. Why does he get all that when hes been so cruel to me & probably others?! Yet look at me, Im a really genuine, nice, funny girl & very attractive or so Im told - what did I ever do to deserve such pain & have my whole life affected? Same with you - do you ever question why? I wonder in what way will karma get repay them for this?

And how can the MM have no conscience? Its crazy - they must be socially inept. They just dont care who they s*** on to get what they want do they? All mine wanted to do was to get another notch on his belt by the looks of things but why put me though all this in the process & f*** my head up with the lie after lie after lie?

[Meaplus3]

 

Yes I would like to think that what goes around comes around but Im wondering whether some people just go through life being complete obnoxious a**holes & get away with it. I mean take my xMM. Hes very clever, really good looking, successful, earns good money, has a lovely wife & 4 beautiful kids. Why does he get all that when hes been so cruel to me & probably others?! Yet look at me, Im a really genuine, nice, funny girl & very attractive or so Im told - what did I ever do to deserve such pain & have my whole life affected? Same with you - do you ever question why? I wonder in what way will karma get repay them for this?

And how can the MM have no conscience? Its crazy - they must be socially inept. They just dont care who they s*** on to get what they want do they? All mine wanted to do was to get another notch on his belt by the looks of things but why put me though all this in the process & f*** my head up with the lie after lie after lie?

 

I mean take my xMM. Hes very clever, really good looking, successful, earns good money, has a lovely wife & 4 beautiful kids. Why does he get all that when hes been so cruel to me & probably others?! Yet look at me, Im a really genuine, nice, funny girl & very attractive or so Im told - what did I ever do to deserve such pain & have my whole life affected? Same with you - do you ever question why? I wonder in what way will karma get repay them for this?

 

I spent alot of needless hours asking that same question to myself over and over again and you know what? It just caused me more upset and confusion. You need to let go of that question. The focus should be on YOU and YOUR life. I know it may seem so unfair and unjust right now.. but with time and NC those feelings will become less and one day gone. I now laugh at the fact that I ever found xmm attractive... that feels good.

 

AP:)

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm so sorry that you're enduring this pain. In reading your post I am reminded of the "Olde Vampire Lore" that warns all that one must invite the Vampire in before he'll cross your threshold. I wholeheartedly agree with your need for therapy because your OM's negative essence is so strong in your life, mind, and heart that you can't break free on your own. I would suggest that in addition to therapy you look into self-meditation techniques and make a daily habit of prayer. Pray for strength, inner peace, and wisdom to heal and reinvigorate your soul. By putting this full court press on your woes your woes will surely wash away.

 

No-one should live in fear or shut themselves away in dark rooms because of it! Leaving the familiar shores behind is a good step but don't rely too heavily on the move alone for your memories and angst will follow you wherever you go for the remainder of your days if you don't face and deal with them with an yen towards finality. It's time to let this whole thing go!

[smile711]

I question why all the time-which is less than I used to! You can't rush yourself through this, but you have to get to the point where the "why" doesn't matter. His life will NOT be perfect. His lies WILL catch up to him. But by that time you will have moved on and it won't matter. You will look upon him with pity for the mess he has created for himself. We all have free will-we can pray and ask why we are going through this, but the answer is-free will. We control our day to day existence. We make bad choices and suffer and we learn from that. Try to see this not in isolation but as a stepping stone towards something else. I have come to the conclusion that the xMM doesn't even know WHY he did this-his thinking is so impulsive and without order. And if he doesn't know why, then I certainly never will. And while I understand (boy do I understand!) how important the WHY is to you, we need to get you to the point where you realize that the WHY isn't important in the grand scheme of things. If you promise to try to worry only about YOU and not HIM, I promise you that I will try to worry only about ME and not HIM! We can get through this together!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm so sorry that you're enduring this pain. In reading your post I am reminded of the "Olde Vampire Lore" that warns all that one must invite the Vampire in before he'll cross your threshold. I wholeheartedly agree with your need for therapy because your OM's negative essence is so strong in your life, mind, and heart that you can't break free on your own. I would suggest that in addition to therapy you look into self-meditation techniques and make a daily habit of prayer. Pray for strength, inner peace, and wisdom to heal and reinvigorate your soul. By putting this full court press on your woes your woes will surely wash away.

 

No-one should live in fear or shut themselves away in dark rooms because of it! Leaving the familiar shores behind is a good step but don't rely too heavily on the move alone for your memories and angst will follow you wherever you go for the remainder of your days if you don't face and deal with them with an yen towards finality. It's time to let this whole thing go!

 

Hey, once again many thanks for posting on a thread of mine. You are actually one of the people who made me realize that the MM groomed me in a predatory way which I find very disturbing. I just cannot get my head round the fact that he was my 'friend' for over a year - in fact my best buddy, we had so much in common, were very alike in many ways, he did me loads of favours & also helped me through a few problems - and all the while was just planning on how he could get me into bed. I mean thats alot of effort he made for more than a YEAR just to make me his conquest! And there was no guaruntee I would fall for him anyway. But I did big time & I dont know what hes done to me, its like hes brainwashed me or something cos even though I recognize what a game of cat & mouse he played with me I still love him & hes the one I fantasize about.

 

So as well as having deal with the severe hurt & emptiness of him leaving the house we shared in a roommate situation & losing the easy access to him, I have also had to face the fact that he was not genuine, wasnt really my friends & only wanted to use me for sex - not cos he loved me but because he saw me as a conquest & wanted another notch on his belt. He just isnt the person I thought he was which is so hard to deal with as I miss his company, eating dinner together, having a laugh with him and his very helpful advice on the problems I was having at the time. Have also had to cope with him doing a disappearing act & not staying in touch with me post moving out of here. The lies he told as well - really shocking. Could this man actually be potentially dangerous?!

 

You also mentioned in the previous post on another thread of mine that you think he is very frustrated about the fact I have not actually let him penetrate me yet & that he probably wont give up until he has my body completely so I wonder if I aint actually heard the last from him.

Its been over 11 weeks NC on his terms, last time I saw him was that morning on his way to work when he tried to have rushed sex with me & I have not attempted to make contact with him for fear of more rejection & further upset - he just left me out in the cold. Wonder if it really is all over, or whether he will try again in the future until he gets his ultimate conquest? He probably thinks Im not worth the trouble anymore he

[pelicanpreacher]

All this wondering wondering wondering is taking you nowhere but "Hurtsville". You've romanticized your Vampire to the point that you're obsessing over him which keeps you open and vulnerable anytime he wishes to enter your life again. You know he is absolute scum yet you still harbor a secret wish that one day he'll come back and tell you all the things you want to hear to counter all you've grown to know about him. In thinking about your MM I'm reminded by all the interviews taken of people who associated with Ted Bundy. To a person, they all viewed him as bright, charming, charismatic, and handsome man. Sadly for those women who fell victim to his savage lust, they'll never be able to tell us who this man really was at the moment of truth.

 

Look, obviously your MM isn't a serial killer but he exhibits the same sociopathic tendencies of someone without a conscience so don't wait around for any kind of meaningful closure from him. Take a step back and observe yourself for a moment. What kind of advice would you be giving the individual you are looking at right now to help her move forward with her life?

 

You hold the key to your salvation. Close your heart to this Vampire and vanquish him from your thoughts from this day forward.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

All this wondering wondering wondering is taking you nowhere but "Hurtsville". You've romanticized your Vampire to the point that you're obsessing over him which keeps you open and vulnerable anytime he wishes to enter your life again. You know he is absolute scum yet you still harbor a secret wish that one day he'll come back and tell you all the things you want to hear to counter all you've grown to know about him. In thinking about your MM I'm reminded by all the interviews taken of people who associated with Ted Bundy. To a person, they all viewed him as bright, charming, charismatic, and handsome man. Sadly for those women who fell victim to his savage lust, they'll never be able to tell us who this man really was at the moment of truth.

 

Look, obviously your MM isn't a serial killer but he exhibits the same sociopathic tendencies of someone without a conscience so don't wait around for any kind of meaningful closure from him. Take a step back and observe yourself for a moment. What kind of advice would you be giving the individual you are looking at right now to help her move forward with her life?

 

You hold the key to your salvation. Close your heart to this Vampire and vanquish him from your thoughts from this day forward.

 

 

Believe me I wish I could just move forwards & forget this person who has caused me terrible pain & ruined my life but its just so hard. If I could I would - its not like I enjoy being in this awful state. How do you make yourself fall out of love with someone - even when you know they are a complete a**hole? I feel he has brainwashed me or something cos I just cant snap out of it & switch my feelings off even though Ive seen his true colors.

 

I am trying to help myself by moving away from this town to get away from the memories for good - I know you mentioned before that the hurt will follow me unless I start to heal myself, you are quite right - its not just going to go away overnight but being in a different city will take me away from the constant reminders of him, also eliminates the risk of bumping into him and/or his family. That will help me no end - at least I will be able to start going out again relaxed knowing I wont be likely to see him.

 

He will never give me closure, even though I have so many unanswered questions I deserve explanations to. If ever I find myself in a situation in the future where Im able to talk to him about it he will just feed me more lies, the guy has no conscience & does not care how much hes hurt me - he proved that many times before. So I will never really know why he did the things he did - I will have to heal myself & find my own answers I guess. Its just so painful & gutwrenching and there are many other manipulative games he played & lies he told me but if I mentioned every single incident in my threads they would go on forever! The things I have mentioned on LS are just the tip of the iceberg.

[pelicanpreacher]

To turn those feelings off you must first begin by having a love affair with yourself. Pamper yourself to the extreme and strive to continue exploring your world to find out all the things that make you happy. Do things that force you to give your full concentration to like taking up horseback riding, or dirtbike riding, or jetbike riding. Anything that will give you hours and hours experiencing the euphoric thrills of life while distracting yourself from obsessing about your MM. In the meantime keep your eye out for the eyes on you for love can pop in at the strangest moments when you're smiling and life is smiling back!

 

Soon enough, as with anyone indulging themselves this way over time, you will arrive at a point where all you'll recollect about this guy are his negative qualities. You might even see yourself nitpicking him in your mind about unsightly flaws in his looks (ie, potbelly, balding head, crooked or stained teeth, bad breath, crossed eyes, big nose, and etc...) At this stage your feelings for him will turn completely off, your heart will close to him and heal, your self esteem will rise, the flower of your soul will open up with the sweet perfume of your being, and you won't ever want to look back again!

[serliana7]

Reading your post tonight has been for me a chilling reminder of the pain I went though after things with my MM ended, It co-incided with me losing my Grandmother (who was my best friend), my job (credit crunch redundancy) and a **** load of money on my property. The difference is I broke it off with Him. Which was the hardest thing I have ever done, I had 4 months of crying, feeling unable to leave the house, developed stress related acne, loss of motivation to look for another job etc, belive me I KNOW the pain you are suffering.

 

That pain also turned to anger, I felt angry that after all of those tender moments - all of those times I/we were bowled over in amazement at the bond we shared - after all that, he'd slid back into his family routine, like nothing had ever happened. And what was I left with? Stone cold singledom.

 

But you have to beleive me, time really does heal, you WILL laugh again, you WILL giggle when a guy at the office flirts with you, its all there for you in the future, almost certainly the near future.

 

Move house, to somewhere with no memories of him - Change jobs, and never mention him to colleagues and tell your friends never to mutter his name again. He doesnt exist anymore.

 

The good thing about being your age is there's plenty of single guys - Take advantage of that sooner rather than later!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Reading your post tonight has been for me a chilling reminder of the pain I went though after things with my MM ended, It co-incided with me losing my Grandmother (who was my best friend), my job (credit crunch redundancy) and a **** load of money on my property. The difference is I broke it off with Him. Which was the hardest thing I have ever done, I had 4 months of crying, feeling unable to leave the house, developed stress related acne, loss of motivation to look for another job etc, belive me I KNOW the pain you are suffering.

 

That pain also turned to anger, I felt angry that after all of those tender moments - all of those times I/we were bowled over in amazement at the bond we shared - after all that, he'd slid back into his family routine, like nothing had ever happened. And what was I left with? Stone cold singledom.

 

But you have to beleive me, time really does heal, you WILL laugh again, you WILL giggle when a guy at the office flirts with you, its all there for you in the future, almost certainly the near future.

 

Move house, to somewhere with no memories of him - Change jobs, and never mention him to colleagues and tell your friends never to mutter his name again. He doesnt exist anymore.

 

The good thing about being your age is there's plenty of single guys - Take advantage of that sooner rather than later!!

 

Hey Serliana, thank you for posting on my thread, I just read your 'Wasted Year' thread from back in June & you do sound like you have been through a tough time as well. In fact our situations happened at very similar times - it was end of June that MM moved out of this house we shared in a roommate situation so for me June was the end too.

 

You are very strong to have finished it with him & for being able to stick to NC for most of the time, you recognized that you were persuing an obviously self damaging course of action with MM & had a lucky escape really even though it doesnt feel that way when you love someone so deeply. Have you heard from him recently?

 

Yes I am in so much pain I cant even tell you. Every day is an uphill struggle & can hardly face getting out of bed in the mornings - I wish I could just crawl away under my duvet & not come out sometimes! And it has affected me physically as well, been really run down & very tired and achy, get headaches alot too - also like you I have found my acne has flared up from all the upset. Have taken quite alot of time off work recently but leaving soon anyway to move to a new city which will hopefully remove some of the pain.

 

Im angry too that MM just carried on with his family like nothing happened & left me out in the cold in all this pain. How are you coping these days? Four months on has some of your pain gone away? Mine hasnt and I think its alot to do with discovering the 'real' him, also having no closure so I obviously have alot of unanswered questions which will probably never be answered.

 

As for meeting a new guy, Im almost certainly not going to be ready for a while as Im carrying this emotional baggage, another problem is its very rare I meet someone I have extreme chemistry with like I did MM. Im very fussy & never seem to like anyone. Ive always found the ones who like me I never fancy & when I occasionally get the hots for someone they either dont feel the same or are unavailable like MM. Seriously I really am that choosy, so much so last time I felt similarly strongly for someone prior to MM situation was back in 1999, I liked that particular guy from then until 2002 but he didnt feel the same. So there you have it, I really have not had much luck with men & I am not the sort of girl who would date a random guy I didnt connect with just to have someone to sleep with. I would rather be alone than with someone I loved like a brother. Sorry gone off on a bit of a tangent here!

 

But once again thanks for posting, I hope youre doing OK now!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

To turn those feelings off you must first begin by having a love affair with yourself. Pamper yourself to the extreme and strive to continue exploring your world to find out all the things that make you happy. Do things that force you to give your full concentration to like taking up horseback riding, or dirtbike riding, or jetbike riding. Anything that will give you hours and hours experiencing the euphoric thrills of life while distracting yourself from obsessing about your MM. In the meantime keep your eye out for the eyes on you for love can pop in at the strangest moments when you're smiling and life is smiling back!

 

Soon enough, as with anyone indulging themselves this way over time, you will arrive at a point where all you'll recollect about this guy are his negative qualities. You might even see yourself nitpicking him in your mind about unsightly flaws in his looks (ie, potbelly, balding head, crooked or stained teeth, bad breath, crossed eyes, big nose, and etc...) At this stage your feelings for him will turn completely off, your heart will close to him and heal, your self esteem will rise, the flower of your soul will open up with the sweet perfume of your being, and you won't ever want to look back again!

 

I know I have to start focusing on healing my life & start doing things I enjoy again. I need to think of ME. However something I was thinking which I know I probably shouldnt: Does his wife know what sort of man shes married to? And if not should she find out? I would never dream of telling her everything but it just makes me angry that her & the 4 kids probably think hes great but look at what hes done to me! Who knows what other things he may have done in the past as well when you consider what hes like. Im just angry how he could carry on like nothings happened you know? How can he even look his family in the face?!

 

I look forward to the day where I no longer care what hes doing now or why he treated me so appallingly. Also the day I start nitpicking his physical flaws will be the day! He may be 48 but he is really handsome & very well groomed - he actually has very few unsightly flaws IMHO. Maybe one day I will look back & laugh that I was once attracted to him though. That day cant come soon enough!

[pelicanpreacher]

Somehow I'm imagining "Dudley Doright"...."Here I am to save the Daaaaaay"! Don't tell me he's got a big chin with a cleft in it too?!

[wildsoul]

Hey there sweetheart...

I'm sorry you're down so low. Yes, sure sounds like a trauma reaction.

 

Take a look into EMDR. It's the very best (and easiest) treatment for PST. It works wonders! Myself and many of my friends have used it successfully. It works very fast too. In just a couple sessions you will notice big improvements. LINK

 

As bad as it is, do try to remember that it's a temporary phase in your healing process. Chin up. Be kind to yourself. It WILL get better.

 

(((hugs)))

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey there sweetheart...

I'm sorry you're down so low. Yes, sure sounds like a trauma reaction.

 

Take a look into EMDR. It's the very best (and easiest) treatment for PST. It works wonders! Myself and many of my friends have used it successfully. It works very fast too. In just a couple sessions you will notice big improvements. LINK

 

As bad as it is, do try to remember that it's a temporary phase in your healing process. Chin up. Be kind to yourself. It WILL get better.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Thank you so much for all your support throughout this difficult time & for posting the helpful link, that was very thoughtful of you.

 

I really hope this is a temporary phase as I feel so low right now I just dont know where to put myself! This is the most pain Ive ever been in and I actually feel guilty as Im aware there are alot worse things that happen to people in this world & they pick themselves up & get through it - why cant I? To some this would seem so insignificant - to me its major & so unbearably painful I cant even describe it.

 

It would help me if I had answers to my questions about him & some closure but it looks like that wil never happen which has made it harder to move on. Hes very cruel what hes put me through, Im so angry.

 

Well hopefully the move to a new city will help me somewhat.

 

Im glad your situation is going well its a very positive thing & I bet you must be so pleased - alot of OW would love to be in your shoes right now including me! Not that Im even an OW anymore but hey. Keep posting updates of how its going, I wish you best of luck with everything.

[SerenityX2]

heartbroken...

 

Although I'm remarried and never been an OW...I think I can reach back to my past with my exh to maybe shed a little light...and hopefully help

 

Sometimes there is no closure. When I finally succumbed to therapy back in 2000, because although I left in 1993...I too had no closure. His verbal abuse was slowly turning physical and on top of which he had been cheating which was almost impossible to prove b/c he's a private detective and could cover his tracks.

 

The hx and what not isn't important, but I'd like to provide some background so you see the picture.

 

I was right in my decision to leave but I'm not an advocate for divorce. So it was hard for me to reconcile what I *perceived* at the time to be a great guy, b/c now I see how foolish that was when I have a real love to think what he was offering was even close. They are seriously night and day.

 

But at the time it pained me, I kept going back in my head to the good times, we dated for 4 years then I was married to him for 6. In the beginnning it I was young so I had that "he picked me??" feeling, he was good to me as far as guys went but what did I know? Again, I know completely differently. I'd break up w/him during dating several times b/c I didn't take crap or so I thought! But he would show up and beg me back, he'd lay flowers on my car and he lived over an hour away. I was touched by what I thought real love looked like. So I stayed, married him and that's when he slowly started to change, took about 8 mos to see the changes. He'd build with one hand and tear down with the other.

 

I was told by my therapist though that he is narcisstic and and shoots from the hip. He doesn't *think* about what he is saying or who is may hurt it's all about him and what works for him. It's scary b/c the guy can wear a mask. When I saw it when my husband,me, myexh and his wife all went out for a meeting to be on the same page with my son...I saw the look, the tiredness in her eyes, her exhaustion...I even defended her at that sitting when he barked something at her...and she is a Harvard trained Psychogist! And SHE didn't see this going in? Heart...don't be so hard on yourself...some of these guys are good at their deception.

 

I was further told that since I like to basically have things all neat with bows. I left without closure...I had no choice, it would waver from threatening to give me nothing in a settlement, to throwing my stuff back in a closet if I said "fine I'm leaving" ...so I knew I had to leave when he wasn't expecting it...it was a matter of survival at that time. The weeks that followed...I had to get a PFA, he followed me. He filed false charges on me with child svcs that were dismissed and I'm sure he knew they would be, but he did it literally on my birthday one day just to make my life a living hell.

 

He was so angry that I left, even though I walked away from the house, it wasn't about money for me. He bascially admitted to me that he thought we were just going through a rough patch and that things would be okay by summer!!! He thought he had destroyed my self esteem so much and gaslighted me so well that I'd stay through anything.

 

All of that and I'm not bitter...in fact I embrace my past to have let me become who I am today, if that's what I had to go through to have the appreciation that I do for life and be blessed as I now am, I welcome now all of that which shaped and molded me. Every bit of pain has made me stronger.

 

Now, that said you continue with your therapy. Please understand there will be a ton of q's. Even though he confessed that little bit to me later...I still could sit and wonder why this or that...or what was he thinking during this or that...but you know what? Not only does it not matter, I bet he himself does not know.

 

Pelican said it to you best, stop letting this vampire suck more life from you. He has your past. DON'T give him your tomorrows.

 

Give yourself a time frame to grieve. If you feel sad, go with it, but stop yourself and do something else. A good way to get over your pain is to do something for someone else. Take focus from yourself as hard as that sounds, just do something simple in volunteer work. You need to get out of *yourself* and put the focus elsewhere to heal. Moving will be very good for you.

 

I hope I could shed some light that sometimes as much as it sucks, there are no pretty boxes with bows and everything all neatly tucked away inside. Sometimes life is just a mess with no answers until we go "home" and things are revealed. As my husband likes to say "fold the corner and go on" There's always life lessons here, but the rough times will shape us towards a better tomorrow.

 

Peace and big hugs to you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Somehow I'm imagining "Dudley Doright"...."Here I am to save the Daaaaaay"! Don't tell me he's got a big chin with a cleft in it too?!

 

:lmao::lmao: