Will it work out if he leaves

[jj33]

I was speaking to a divorce lawyer the other day at party and I asked him about how many people leave for other people and how much repeat business he gets from that.

 

I thought you might find this interesting.

 

He agreed that while people rarely leave FOR other people lots of people need a trigger - meeting someone who makes them want to take that leap of faith and get out of a marriage they have been thinking of leaving.

 

He said he knows of some relatoinships where the MM has left for the OW that last.

 

However sadly that is his best source of repeat business. He said that usually in these situations the OW is the transitional relationship and that in time it isnt what the MM thought it would be. Sometimes he goes back to the W and other times he just move on.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I was speaking to a divorce lawyer the other day at party and I asked him about how many people leave for other people and how much repeat business he gets from that.

 

I thought you might find this interesting.

 

He agreed that while people rarely leave FOR other people lots of people need a trigger - meeting someone who makes them want to take that leap of faith and get out of a marriage they have been thinking of leaving.

 

He said he knows of some relatoinships where the MM has left for the OW that last.

 

However sadly that is his best source of repeat business. He said that usually in these situations the OW is the transitional relationship and that in time it isnt what the MM thought it would be. Sometimes he goes back to the W and other times he just move on.

 

A term I have come to hate. My MM and I met when we were both separated. The natural assumption we both had (though didn't verbalize until too late) was that we were each others' transitional relationship. Because of this and that desire to try and make his M work for his kids, he went back when she asked.

 

4 years later, it is pretty clear that it isn't transitional. If he leaves, I have no doubt that it would work for us. Not that it wouldn't be difficult, but that it would work.

[Angel1111]

The problem I have with these statistics is that they don't take into account the relationships that do last, or the relationships where the couple had an affair but kept quiet about it. I can guarantee you that there are a LOT of relationships like that. Deny, deny, deny would be my motto because there's too much judgement that would creep into the relationship. So, again, I just think these statistics are very skewed because of data that simply does not exist.

[norajane]

The problem I have with these statistics is that they don't take into account the relationships that do last, or the relationships where the couple had an affair but kept quiet about it. I can guarantee you that there are a LOT of relationships like that. Deny, deny, deny would be my motto because there's too much judgement that would creep into the relationship. So, again, I just think these statistics are very skewed because of data that simply does not exist.

 

What statistics? The divorce lawyer was just answering her question about his clients' experiences.

[Angel1111]

What statistics? The divorce lawyer was just answering her question about his clients' experiences.

 

Yeah, I see your point. Well, I was just speaking generally because I hear this all the time and regardless if it's one attorney or just statistics in general, they all say the same thing. I always go back to that one thought - that attorney's clients are often not going to admit to having an affair. These couples can marry and carry that secret with them to the grave. I know of couples like this and it's the wild card that has too much impact on this answer.

[Adunaphel]

I guess that it is normal that most relationships with OW won't last, as most relationships (in general) don't last. If you are in an A it might take considerably longer to find out if you and the other person are right for each other, as it's harder to spend *real*, "average" time together.

 

Your post also made me thought that feeling that someone is leaving their partner FOR you must be awful. I'd feel like it is my fault that they broke up (no matter who pursued whom), and I'd feel guilty to break up with the guy if I realized that he is not the right person for me.

[jj33]

What statistics? The divorce lawyer was just answering her question about his clients' experiences.

 

Exactly. And lets face it I couldnt pump too hard on that particular point without sounding all too interested.

 

I also asked him about people dating during divorce - he said its never a good thing for the divorce settlement unless the one who was left has found someone - but that people do what they will do (not rocket science).

 

These are NOT statistics and they dont relate to everyone I just thought it was interesting.

 

And yes Aphundel I would feel badly if someone left FOR me and then it didnt work out but thats kind of what this man was saying people dont leave FOR someone the someone is a motivator for them to do what they were thinking of doing but they needed that extra incentive - being in love with someone else.

 

I know there are some success stories here but for the most part the conversation was not encouraging.

[GreenEyedLady]

You know, one never knows if it is going to work out with anyone, period.

 

But I'd bet you a million dollars if you spend all your time wondering what if, instead of working towards for sure, it won't work out.

 

Doubt is the number one killer of R's. It destroys the trust that is the essential ingredient for a successful R.

 

Who wants to be in a R with someone who doesn't trust them? It's kinda pointless, don't ya think?

[loveORlogic]

You know, one never knows if it is going to work out with anyone, period.

 

But I'd bet you a million dollars if you spend all your time wondering what if, instead of working towards for sure, it won't work out.

 

Doubt is the number one killer of R's. It destroys the trust that is the essential ingredient for a successful R.

 

Who wants to be in a R with someone who doesn't trust them? It's kinda pointless, don't ya think?

 

And who better to trust than the MM you were having an affair with ? right?

[GreenEyedLady]

And who better to trust than the MM you were having an affair with ? right?

 

Hmmm....I wasn't the one having an A.

 

And if I listened to bitter, miserable people like you who had been burned and didn't get over it, I'd have missed out on the love of a lifetime.

 

So if you think that's funny, then keep on laughing.

 

I'll just keep on living my life, with the man I love and the family we're blending together, happy.

 

So who has the last laugh?

 

Not you.

 

GEL

[OWoman]

I was speaking to a divorce lawyer the other day at party and I asked him about how many people leave for other people and how much repeat business he gets from that.

 

I thought you might find this interesting.

 

He agreed that while people rarely leave FOR other people lots of people need a trigger - meeting someone who makes them want to take that leap of faith and get out of a marriage they have been thinking of leaving.

 

He said he knows of some relatoinships where the MM has left for the OW that last.

 

However sadly that is his best source of repeat business. He said that usually in these situations the OW is the transitional relationship and that in time it isnt what the MM thought it would be. Sometimes he goes back to the W and other times he just move on.

 

Pretty interesting, and no doubt varies from lawyer to lawyer.

 

When I D'd, I went to the lawyer my father had used to D my mother, as he sounded like a good bet and I knew too many other lawyers socially. He asked after my dad and I told him - he was really thrilled that things had worked out for them and told me that me who leave long marriages for "the one" usually make a good go of it, because they know what the dangers are, what the risks are and they know how easy it is to slide into hell if you don't treasure a good thing.

 

My MM's lawyer belongs to an association of specialist D lawyers that aim to resolve things amicably and support as well as just do the paperwork, providing a holistic service that, while costly, aims at sustainable resolution for the entire family. He's really ace. He and MM were talking at their last consult the other day, about our marrying once the D is finalised, and he was giving MM some advice on how best to time things and how to insulate our M from interference of various kinds from BW. He told MM that BW's lawyer - also a member of that assocation - would be advising BW on picking up her life afterward in a sustainable way, without interfering in ours, and mentioned that while he'd likely not see MM again (in a professional context) once the D was through, BW's lawyer may well see her again if that post-D advising wasn't effective as he'd seen so many BSs leaping into Ms too soon after a break-up occasioned by an A, as they need to prove they're still attractive to someone and feel a need to level the ground with their X who has moved on with someone else, while they're sitting abandoned on the shelf. Those, he was saying, were the "repeat business" rather than the CS and their AP.

 

So I guess it varies from pracctice to practice, from what the lawyer gathers the person asking is wanting to hear.

[jj33]

You know, one never knows if it is going to work out with anyone, period.

 

But I'd bet you a million dollars if you spend all your time wondering what if, instead of working towards for sure, it won't work out.

 

Doubt is the number one killer of R's. It destroys the trust that is the essential ingredient for a successful R.

 

Who wants to be in a R with someone who doesn't trust them? It's kinda pointless, don't ya think?

 

You are absolutely right. You never know until you try. I did try when we were together, I dont have that luxury at the moment. But I am glad it is working out for you.

[JamesM]

I'd have missed out on the love of a lifetime.

 

 

I say this not at you GEL, although your comments brought this to mind.

 

The thing about affairs is not only they are built on distrust but they can actually PREVENT someone from meeting "the love of a lifetime."

 

Here is why I think so.

 

First, the MM has decided that his marriage is over either before he met the OW or after he met the OW. At this point he quits working on his marriage. For me if I had met an OW during the time I thought my marriage was not worth working at, I may never have worked at it. Hence, while it still is not perfect, I do realize that she still is the love of my life. If I had met another woman during that time and started an affair, then I could have easily lost my wife and ended up settling for someone less.

 

Second, the OW has decided for one reason or another that the MM is the perfect man, when in reality he is committed to someone else. And as a friend recently pointed out to me, the things or people that we cannot have seem even more special than the ones that we can have. So, this OW setltles on remaining second fiddle in hopes that the MM leaves his wife.

 

But while she is in that affair, the perfect man actually comes along, and he is single. If she was not involved with the MM, then under normal circumstances she would have begun dating him and found him to be the love of a lifetime. Since the MM takes up her time, she never does.

 

The MM no longer works at his marriage, and the OW never looks for a man with whom it is worth building a trusting relationship.

 

For many this is where it goes until one or the other ends it. Only a few leave and "commit" to one another. And then statistics show that most of those end up in divorce.

 

My two cents.

[Dominique]

I say this not at you GEL, although your comments brought this to mind.

 

The thing about affairs is not only they are built on distrust but they can actually PREVENT someone from meeting "the love of a lifetime."

 

Here is why I think so.

 

First, the MM has decided that his marriage is over either before he met the OW or after he met the OW. At this point he quits working on his marriage. For me if I had met an OW during the time I thought my marriage was not worth working at, I may never have worked at it. Hence, while it still is not perfect, I do realize that she still is the love of my life. If I had met another woman during that time and started an affair, then I could have easily lost my wife and ended up settling for someone less.

 

Second, the OW has decided for one reason or another that the MM is the perfect man, when in reality he is committed to someone else. And as a friend recently pointed out to me, the things or people that we cannot have seem even more special than the ones that we can have. So, this OW setltles on remaining second fiddle in hopes that the MM leaves his wife.

 

But while she is in that affair, the perfect man actually comes along, and he is single. If she was not involved with the MM, then under normal circumstances she would have begun dating him and found him to be the love of a lifetime. Since the MM takes up her time, she never does.

 

The MM no longer works at his marriage, and the OW never looks for a man with whom it is worth building a trusting relationship.

 

For many this is where it goes until one or the other ends it. Only a few leave and "commit" to one another. And then statistics show that most of those end up in divorce.

 

My two cents.

 

 

1. Or you might have met someone better

 

2. A man is committed if his heart is committed. Not all men will stay in a miserable marriage and sometimes another person will bring him out of his resignation of life

 

3. Maybe the MM is/was perfect for the woman. Maybe she fell in love with his intelligence or creativity--who is to say, let alone judge? What if she met the single man who still was not on the same level?

 

4. Ah, those "statistics" again...

 

I am not an OW, nor was I, but I know of a couple of situations where the OW and MM were indeed the true loves of one another, and they ended up together. One should not be so strident in judgment or in throwing around "data".

 

DOM

[loveORlogic]

Hmmm....I wasn't the one having an A.

 

And if I listened to bitter, miserable people like you who had been burned and didn't get over it, I'd have missed out on the love of a lifetime.

 

So if you think that's funny, then keep on laughing.

 

I'll just keep on living my life, with the man I love and the family we're blending together, happy.

 

So who has the last laugh?

 

Not you.

 

GEL

 

Actually dear, i was replying nicely to your post, why do you think i am bitter, is it just because you dont like what i say? that doesnt make me bitter, does it? no need to resort to personal offences dear, i never had an Affair, i never cheated on my wife, i always respected everyone. So plz, you can redirect that comment about me being miserable to someone else.

And my dear, dont get so offended when someone says something you dont like, or you will turn to be a very bitter person... ohh wait.. now i said this... you will burn me.

 

As for the last laught, i keep laughting because i have nothing to be ashamed of, never commited a crime or hurt others to find my happiness directly or indirectly. I just hope you can say the same about yourself!

 

see what i did there? i am being nice to you even after you posting i was "miserable people like you who had been burned and didn't get over it"

 

As a side note: i have never been "burned".

[GreenEyedLady]

What I find so interesting is that if his XW doesn't care, why should you?

 

I'm happy living my life with the man I love, and was meant for and who was meant for me.

 

If that just gets lots of people's panties in a ruffle, well too bad.

 

Such is life.

 

GEL

[jj33]

Do you mean me or someone else?

[greengoddess]

What I find so interesting is that if his XW doesn't care, why should you?

 

I'm happy living my life with the man I love, and was meant for and who was meant for me.

 

If that just gets lots of people's panties in a ruffle, well too bad.

 

Such is life.

 

GEL

You are way to defensive and lashing out. Why is that?

Loveorlogic voiced a common concern. Is the mm trustworthy since he spent a very long time lying daily. I'm sure lying gets easier when it is a habit. I do think that is a concern by many op's not just the bitter husband or wife who wishes you good luck with that.

[GreenEyedLady]

Do you mean me or someone else?

 

I didn't mean you. I meant *certain* posters.

 

Everyone makes their own decisions based on their needs and wants. I'm happy with my choice and as you should be with yours.

[GreenEyedLady]

You are way to defensive and lashing out. Why is that?

Loveorlogic voiced a common concern. Is the mm trustworthy since he spent a very long time lying daily. I'm sure lying gets easier when it is a habit. I do think that is a concern by many op's not just the bitter husband or wife who wishes you good luck with that.

 

Is there anything defensive in saying I don't care about whether strangers on the internet think my R will make it or not?

 

No.

 

I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am living it. No one else here is. No one here knows my circumstances or us.

 

I'm not other OP's. I'm not worried about whether he's going to lie to me or cheat on me or if it will all work out in the end. I know.

 

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm making sure mine rocks!

 

GEL

[loveORlogic]

Is there anything defensive in saying I don't care about whether strangers on the internet think my R will make it or not?

 

No.

 

Its funny reading you saying that... cause you seem to get so upset when ppl say something you dont endorse... it would make me suspect that you actually care what ppl think of your ideals..