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infatuationoftheday

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infatuationoftheday

Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me. It seems like most of the responses are practical, socially-acceptable reprimands for people struggling with their feelings for someone who happens to already be attached.

 

I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous? Many societies aren't. I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

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Well, i'm newly married...and my husband and I got married to commit ourselves to one another.

 

I guess if you enter a marriage with an open arrangement that's a different. As long as all persons involved are aware. Usually that's not the case... and thats when it's very wrong. Why would you want to be in a "relationship" with someone that is taken...and by reading on here, how often do they leave there partners for the OP??

 

As humans we need to suppress some feelings...what do you want...if i get pissed off at someone, and i want to punch them i should go ahead and act on my feelings...not a good idea. we have the ability to "think" and maybe some should do that before they get involoved and act on feelings.

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infatuationoftheday

well.. loving and fighting are 2 different things. i wouldnt condone violence on anyone but i wouldnt guilt anyone into not going after someone they had strong feelings for. i think those two don't really relate. i just dont think "lovey" emotions should be stifled. im sure you could probably prove me wrong, but think of a scenerio where the partner never found out... who is this hurting?

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Oh so it's okay to lie, thats real loving! Where is the Romance in a lie?

 

I've been in a R that my exBF cheated, and everyone knew but me, I found out 6 months after the fact. So no i didn't hurt for the 6 months I didn't know...but after I found out I hurt for years...even though I left him the same week I found out.

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Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me..........................I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

 

I think there is something seriously wrong with an individual who continues to post in a forum that depresses them. I also think you are far too new here to be judging our forums. In my opinion, posts and threads are already answered...for the most part...in the manner you suggested in your OP above.

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I agree that there's too much judgement and not enough empathizing that happens here. Although things seem to be better than they were a few months ago because a few posters who were constantly causing trouble seemed to have either moved on or have come back with new names and have stopped shouting so much. The judgemental stance usually happens because there are people here who have been burned by cheating spouses and they project that onto every other experience that even remotely resembles their situation.

 

People usually get drawn into affairs in such a way that they are often taken by surprise. The betrayed spouse doesn't want to accept this because it's too hurtful to think about. I try to remember that the people who come here are in pain - no matter what kind of hole they've dug for themselves.

 

I've been on just about all possible sides of this affair fence and I can understand it from numerous angles. It does seem to be our instinct to expect faithfulness from our spouse, while at the same time that belief seems to contradict itself every day based on the statistics of affairs. And those are the ones people know about. The man I was involved with has an impeccable reputation and most people would be absolutely astounded to know how he chased and pursued me. His children would fall over in a dead faint if they had a clue.

 

I really think it's only possible for people to be loyal to one person only when they feel a deep committment to that person. And not a committment based on a signed piece of paper that says they're supposed to be faithful. I mean a real committment that wouldn't allow them to feel any connection with anyone else. These types of relationships are rare.

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I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous?

 

Well, when you commit yourself to monogamy, you yourself are saying you're willing to try monogamy. If you weren't, then you shouldn't be promising such a thing. To go back on it without informing the other person is wrong imho.

 

I'm an open-minded person from the point of view of not being against poly, open relationships, and so on. But lying to someone else about what's going on isn't being open-minded, it's being deceptive, and that's unfair.

 

I think that's a whole lot different from being sympathetic and understanding when people get themselves into a hideous situation by falling in love with someone when one or both of them is already committed to someone else. That's not a good situation to be in, and when people come here for help, then bashing them and ramming morality down their throats is counter-productive, again imho.

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bentnotbroken
Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me. It seems like most of the responses are practical, socially-acceptable reprimands for people struggling with their feelings for someone who happens to already be attached.

 

I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous? Many societies aren't. I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

 

 

You know the funny thing about your feelings is you only apply them to having affairs. We are a judgmental society. If we weren't there would be no one in prison or on death row. They were judged and found guilty by society. Some of us really do live our lives with standards and use those as guidelines. I don't think anyone who beliefs that infidelity is wrong hasn't at some point felt an attraction to someone other than our spouse, that's human. But the difference is, we aren't ruled by our feelings. We control our actions because it is the right thing to do, not what society deems okay.

 

If I followed my feelings, I would be in prison for beating the hell out of Mr. Messy after I separated him from his roaming penis. Then I would have gone after the OW and the all the terms that I use to describe her and her open legs. I didn't. Do you know how many days I wanted to? I wanted to PAY them back for the hurt they caused me and my children, and you know what I deserve to feel good by doing that, by your thinking. Life is so short, why not make myself happy anyway I can? I didn't do it because it wasn't right to do. I have children who are watching every move I make and using that as a standard to begin their adult life and making adult choices. They have watched their father and his actions and they have had a negative affect, I have to try to balance that.

 

But lastly I do believe in God and his commandments. I try not to break them, I fail miserably some days, yet I want to do it His way, so I keep trying. I don't need to compare myself to others, because if I did I would need to go rob a bank, because I want more cash, or I need to cheat on a test because I want an "A", or I want a new car, why shouldn't I take it.

 

Yes, you are talking about affections, feelings, and luv:love:, but really what is the difference when it comes to a standard. I always notice that there is a lower standard when emotions are involved, yet people don't apply these lower standards to money( settling for half of what your deserve)homes(a fraction of a house is better than no house at all, I'll just live in this portion and pretend the rest really exist)or food(we are an obese society and it doesn't matter that it will have dire consequences for me in the future), we only think this way with one of the most precious gift that God gave mankind. And we as a whole are willing to degrade it, treat it badly(and as a by product others)and kill it at will. Sad.

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Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me. It seems like most of the responses are practical, socially-acceptable reprimands for people struggling with their feelings for someone who happens to already be attached.

 

I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous? Many societies aren't. I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

 

Before you pass judgement you might want to read further.. the stories of those who have been badly hurt by getting involved with another while in a comitted Relationship and take a look at the outcome's. And if that depresses you, then perhaps you should read some on the other sections on LS that have nothing to do with relationships. Just my 2 cents.

 

AP:)

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LucreziaBorgia
...think of a scenerio where the partner never found out... who is this hurting?

 

It is hurting the partner who...

 

wonders why his/her SO seems 'off'. Whose SO doesn't take time to do the small loving things anymore. Why the sex seems to have dried up. Why the SO is absent without explanation. Why the SO has partially or fully withdrawn into a place that the SO can't reach. Why the SO seems sullen, secretive, and irritated without explanation and refuses to discuss it. Why the SO starts sleeping with the cell phone, refuses to let the spouse use it, or re-passwords it - or... seems to drop his cell altogether (he/she got a new prepaid one to use for his OW/OM). Why the SO becomes hyper protective of his/her computer. Why the SO comes up with 'business trips' or 'buddy only' trips that do not include the partner. Why the SO distances him/herself from the children and family events, preferring to stay home to 'work/think/etc'.

 

See where I'm going? The betrayed partner doesn't have to know about an affair to suffer from it.

It is a rare MM/MW who can completely and seamlessly compartmentalize to the point where the betrayed partner isn't seeing any evidence of change in any way, shape or form. Only experienced cakemen/women can do this - and even they don't get it right most of the time.

 

For nearly all affairs, the MP has to carve away emotional allotment from the primary relationship and sneak it to another one. The pressure from doing this, and the yearning to be with the OP can cause the MP to become an unexplained alien. An unpleasant, baffling replacement for the spouse the betrayed partner thought they knew.

 

Is it wrong for the OP to love a MP? Or a MP to love an OP? Depends on who you ask, but acting on it undeniably suggests some ethical priorities that put the self above the needs of others.

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Well, especially on this board, people that come to post here are generally those that are UNHAPPY with the way their situations are going, so they come her eto vent and get advice and support. So, by default , everything you read here is gonna be kinda depressing.

 

Being an OW myself, at the moment, it's a horrid position to be in. I hate it. Doesn't make it any easier for me to leave it, though. I'm at work today, which makesme jsut thrilled to begin with at having to be here on saturday, but my MM canceled plans with me three times in one week this past week because he was sick one day, and then work obligations caught up the rest of the week. Was supposed to callme last night on his way home and forgot to. Only reason I didn't stay up all night depressed was because I was so exhausted I fell asleep at like 5 pm and didnt wake up till this morning.

 

Of course, when I woke up this morning and saw no missed calls from him on my cell, I got massively depressed and have been feeling this way all morning. i can't even call him to discuss how i'M upset, because i can't call him on the weekends or risk getting him in trouble with his wife. so i have to sit here and seethe and stew all weekend, distracting myself from the million things i have to do because all i can think about is how mad i am at home for not calling me last night.

 

If you think anyone gets into these relationships with a logical mindset, you're wrong. I am a very logical, intelligent person. With this situation I was an idiot and didn't realize it until I was in too deep and now I don't know how to leave and Im miserable for it.

 

Sorry, thats just how these boards are. if MM was running off to be with me and everyone was happy dandy and stuff i'd really have no reason to be posting on here for advice, now would i?

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It is hurting the partner who...

 

wonders why his/her SO seems 'off'. Whose SO doesn't take time to do the small loving things anymore. Why the sex seems to have dried up. Why the SO is absent without explanation. Why the SO has partially or fully withdrawn into a place that the SO can't reach. Why the SO seems sullen, secretive, and irritated without explanation and refuses to discuss it. Why the SO starts sleeping with the cell phone, refuses to let the spouse use it, or re-passwords it - or... seems to drop his cell altogether (he/she got a new prepaid one to use for his OW/OM). Why the SO becomes hyper protective of his/her computer. Why the SO comes up with 'business trips' or 'buddy only' trips that do not include the partner. Why the SO distances him/herself from the children and family events, preferring to stay home to 'work/think/etc'.

 

See where I'm going? The betrayed partner doesn't have to know about an affair to suffer from it.

It is a rare MM/MW who can completely and seamlessly compartmentalize to the point where the betrayed partner isn't seeing any evidence of change in any way, shape or form. Only experienced cakemen/women can do this - and even they don't get it right most of the time.

 

For nearly all affairs, the MP has to carve away emotional allotment from the primary relationship and sneak it to another one. The pressure from doing this, and the yearning to be with the OP can cause the MP to become an unexplained alien. An unpleasant, baffling replacement for the spouse the betrayed partner thought they knew.

 

Is it wrong for the OP to love a MP? Or a MP to love an OP? Depends on who you ask, but acting on it undeniably suggests some ethical priorities that put the self above the needs of others.

 

As a married man who had a 3-5 years affair with a married woman, this brilliant post expresses cold emotional truths.

 

Affairs change for the worse the best of marriages even if there's no "overt" discovery. In the affair, an "Otherness" takes over. While not much happens on the surface, you're always distracted with thoughts of your lover. On top of this permanent distractedness, your spouse becomes an "Other" and you feel like an "Other" with her. Strangers in a strange bed.

 

You say and do the right spousal things, but with no feeling, no comfort, no authenticity. You become a counterfeit spouse, an intimate stranger. The tone is wrong. Everything is off-kilter. The fine tuning is lost.

 

An alienation effect takes over. You feel you're playing a role, going through the motions of a loving husband, worthy son -in-law. You feel like a bad actor in a tawdry third-rate play.

 

An affair is an act of deception and violence. Not the dramatic physical kind of violence that the movies portray. The violence is silent, subtle. It rips apart one's sense of self as a person, parent, child and spouse. Worlds are ripped open, affectional bonds shredded.

 

Every affair has its costs.

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Thanks for the honest insight Grogster

 

You're welcome, bent. The best arguments against affairs are the lived ones. ;)

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IfWishesWereHorses

Firstly,

LB and Grogster, those posts should be pinned. They are dead on honest to God reality of the workings of an affair in a marriage.

 

I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

 

IOD,

 

I've decided that the kids across the street are much more respectable, responsible, easy going, and productive than my own. Infact the more time I spend with them the less attatched to my own kids I become. I've spent alot of time wondering what it would be like if those kids were mine. I've changed my mind about being the mother of my children, certainly NO ONE should fault me, and I have no reason to feel guilty for my feelings.

Anyone want an 11 yo or a 20 yo???? :rolleyes:

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Everyone's essentially made this point already, that it is not the multiple lover lifestyle that most find objectionable. It's the deception of the unsuspecting partner, who is directing his or her own behavuiors based on the assumption that the cheating spouse is abiding by the contract, sticking to the promise to be faithful.

I'm surprised the original poster did not consider this, as it is so obvious. Few people care if a person wants to expierience multiple lovers in their lifetime. But, if that is what a maried person wants, why not tell the spouse so he or she can decide if they are okay with it?\As to secret affairs hurting an unsuspecting spouse and the family, in addition to what Grogster points out, the faking it, in many cases there is active hostility toward the betrayed spouse. I've heard it explained that the cheater needs to believe his or her actions are justified. So, the betrayed spuse is thought of as evil or whatever. After a while, the cheater starts to act on the belief that the betrayed deserves this. The hostility and abuse emerges.

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I don't think it's a matter of being open-minded or not.. I just think it's impossible for 2 people to be faithful all their life to the same person.. if they are.. then one of them have long settled for a monotonous, routine life and they're OK with it.. it's that simple in my mind.

 

It doesn't make sense to me. I think that it's about the same percentage for humans to be monogamous as for the animals.. (extremely rare).

 

A lot of women/men out there THINK that their partner has never cheated .. they just never CAUGHT them.. :D

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I don't think it's a matter of being open-minded or not.. I just think it's impossible for 2 people to be faithful all their life to the same person.. if they are.. then one of them have long settled for a monotonous, routine life and they're OK with it.. it's that simple in my mind.

 

It doesn't make sense to me. I think that it's about the same percentage for humans to be monogamous as for the animals.. (extremely rare).

 

A lot of women/men out there THINK that their partner has never cheated .. they just never CAUGHT them.. :D

 

I must give you credit where credit is due, Lizzie: You do stay on message. ;)

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Hi there. I am of the opinion that if you are with someone and you meet someone else, if that person makes you happy, you are number one. I know a lot of people will disagree, but we are only on this earth one time. If someone makes me happy I will enjoy it and go with it. I have been hurt in the past and have recently hurt someone. I feel terribly guilty about it - but it was over years ago, and I am the one who had to do the dirty work. I met up with an ex months ago - and I see him now and then - and when I think of him - I feel so high, so happy. My ex is still living with me, unemployed etc., but I gave him so many chances... I want to be happy and loved and I will be...

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Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me. It seems like most of the responses are practical, socially-acceptable reprimands for people struggling with their feelings for someone who happens to already be attached.

 

I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous? Many societies aren't. I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

 

It just depends on your personal beliefs.

 

If someone is naturally polyamorous, they should be straight fwd about it and not try to drag others into monogamous relationships. Moral differences set aside, there are health issues with this as well.

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Hi there. I am of the opinion that if you are with someone and you meet someone else, if that person makes you happy, you are number one. I know a lot of people will disagree, but we are only on this earth one time. If someone makes me happy I will enjoy it and go with it. I have been hurt in the past and have recently hurt someone. I feel terribly guilty about it - but it was over years ago, and I am the one who had to do the dirty work. I met up with an ex months ago - and I see him now and then - and when I think of him - I feel so high, so happy. My ex is still living with me, unemployed etc., but I gave him so many chances... I want to be happy and loved and I will be...

 

 

Emotions are hard to understand, tho, and most people are afraid to upset their "life balance" just to try anew with someone all over again. Especially when they've got a family with someone. The hopeless romantic might say it's all worth it in the end, and maybe it is, but in the here and now, it's hard to imagine that its going to work out the right way.

 

In reality, divorce is very painful and difficult in the short term, but usually everyone learns to live with it and i becomes normal. My parents divorced, and I rememvber before they did every time they had a fight I would think "please don't let them get divorced", as it was the worst thing I could imagine happening to my family. But i think i turned out all right despite it, and i have a little brother and sister that my mom had with her fiance that i never would have had had my parents stayed together. So maybe everything happens for a reason. but it's hard to imagine that things will work out ok when all you can imagine is breaking up a family, not seeing your kids every day, going through financial hardships, and dealing with the dissapproval of friends and family and society

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As a married man who had a 3-5 years affair with a married woman, this brilliant post expresses cold emotional truths.
Agreed. I find LucreziaBorgia's posts to be amongst the most insightful.
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Reading the posts in this forum always depresses me. It seems like most of the responses are practical, socially-acceptable reprimands for people struggling with their feelings for someone who happens to already be attached.

 

So they have no blame of having pursued the relationship? of course, i am in love so what the heck, lets just forget the wife and kids. What it matters is that i an in love. Is that the thought?

dont give a beep to others and only about what i want?

 

I don't get why we can't be more open-minded and consider the fact that these people may actually be finding a meaningful connection with another person (regardless of whether they are already in a relationship). There are a lot of cool people in the world, and confining yourself to a strict 1-lover existence might mean you're missing out on what life has to offer.

Sure... sure.... read above.. same answer... as above

 

Who says that humans are even supposed to be monogamous? Many societies aren't. I'm just tired of judgmental people who try to make others feel guilty for natural, human instincts and feelings they are having towards someone else. I don't think these strong feelings should be suppressed, and I don't think they are anything to feel guilty for. Just my 2 cents.

 

 

I'm new here, and just opening a discussion.. what does everyone think?

 

I think you are selfish, and doing judments on ppl that follow common moral conduct. wich makes you judjamental yourself.

What i find it funny, is that you not only break the common moral conducts, you also condemn who doesnt see that as a good, appropriate or even acceptable behaviour.

The funnier part is that you forget all the other ppl that are involved, because its not only about the OW and MM, its about the MM wife and in some cases, kids. If anyone doesnt want to be monogamous DONT MARRY, and if you do, then make sure your wife or husband knows that before the marriage and agress to it. BUT CHEATING?! its bad itself, and even trying to defend the act of CHEATING itself is even worse.

 

Keep this in mind, we are not irrational animals, we are persons.

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Wow - Grogster you are completely right. I never thought of A the way you put it -- but that is exactly the way that it is. So why do some of us do this when we know that it won't work?

 

Maybe instead of looking for something that is missing from the marriage from another, try to find it with your spouse??

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