OW strategy

[mzdolphin]

First let me say I'm in my 40s and have never dated a married man until now. My situation is that I met this man in 1991 when we were both single. We dated, fell in love, but due to distance and my career, it ended. We had a strong connection and it did not end badly (no hate or never want to see you again stuff).

 

This spring I run across his byline (we: myself, his wife and he are all journalists) and find out he's living with 90 miles of me (we met in completely different states when we were younger). I contact him and he says he's been looking for me. I am divorced five years at this point. He says he is divorced. I find out later that he lied. He is still married, although he and his wife have been living in different states (Va and Ohio) for almost four years. I get angry and contact his wife, via email. I figured it's over.

 

He calls later and apologizes to me. Saying he should have been honest and didn't want to lose me. He said his marriage has been over for some time and now he just needs to take care of things (divorce).

 

At first I told him, call me after you're divorced. Then I started thinking, Hey, you didn't break this marriage up. They have been living in different states for four years (1 year he lived in Florida and saw her three times that year). I figure if he were trying to work things out with the wife ther is no way he'd go back to a woman who contacted the wife. She does not want a divorce.

 

Anyway, instead of pushing him away I'v decided to plan on how to beat the competition. Her strength: She's he wife, they share property, history, no biological kids but step kids in common, family, they were at one point crazy in love with each other (I assume).

 

My strength: He lives near me and can see me weekly. We share similar backgrounds and interest. I'm 15 years younger than her, but only 7 years younger than him. We have a past and many mutual friends. His best friend left his wife and married a younger woman (I'm not cheering this one, but I have to count it as an asset). FYI: I'm not looking to get married. I've made him aware of this. He is truly everything I want in a man, except the married part. So I've decided to fight for the relationship.

 

Has anyone approached the OW status like this? Tell me what your strategy was? What worked? What didn't? He calls everyday and has spent the night here. I took a sneak peak at his cell phone and noticed no calls out to the wife, but she calls him. My name is saved in the cell phone (cell phone activity is the best way to see what your guy is really up to.)

[2sunny]

this sounds familiar... didn't you already have a thread about this previously?

 

what are you trying to accomplish - you already have a piece of him :lmao: and you say you don't want to marry him.

 

so what else is there to accomplish - just ousting the wife? and that will change things because....????

[GPFan]

Why is he choosing to remain married after four-years separation and no children?

 

Why does he need to be enticed away from the marriage?

 

I believe most OWs would recommend denying him the pleasure of your company whilst he is married, else he is allowed to have his cake and eat it too.

[Trimmer]

Anyway, instead of pushing him away I'v decided to plan on how to beat the competition.

What exactly is it you're "fighting" for? By what means will you measure "victory?" What would be a "loss?"

[Angel1111]

You're missing a key point here. You haven't fought for this man, you haven't seen this man, and you haven't competed for this man for about 15 years or more. And depsite all that, he hasn't forgotten you and was looking for you. So now, suddenly, you think fighting and competing is going to have more impact than what you've been doing up until now. Why is that? Because, in reality, doing nothing and not being present has actually worked incredibly well. You're the prize and he needs to take the steps he needs to take in order to have you.

 

But let's say you try it the other way around. Let's say you spend time to develop a relationship with him, and after awhile you get close and intimate, have great sex, the works. It'll feel like you're winning and that nothing can defeat you. At least until reality sinks in. Because as soon as you start having a relationship with him, this will set things into motion that you may not be anticipating.

 

First, he'll wonder about you and why you're willing to lower yourself by sleeping with a married man. He'll wonder why you don't have higher standards. He'll also wonder why you didn't stand your ground when you found out he lied to you. He'll never tell you these things, but he'll be thinking them. And it'll chip away at your relationship. If you ask him about it, he'll laugh and say that's silly. But it'll happen.

 

The next thing that will happen is that his wife will sense that something has changed and she'll amp up her attempts to keep him. And if you think you have the advantage, don't be too certain of that. Marriage is an extremely tangled web and men are far more motivated by guilt and responsibility than they are by love. Don't ever underestimate the power of those two things or you will end up being complete blindsided. There's a reason why he hasn't divorced her and don't be naive about that. It doesn't matter why, the fact is they're still married and that's all you need to know. Tell him to let you know when his divorce is final and then you'll date him. And let him know also that you don't tolerate lies. If you don't do that, you'll start your relationship out on a path that you'll wish you hadn't gone down.

 

Plus, I'm having trouble with something - you're the one who contacted him, not the other way around. Maybe he has been looking for you but you don't know that for sure. And maybe he found you but wasn't quite ready to contact you. That can translate into him not being ready to disconnect completely from his marriage. This could mean trouble for you if you've interjected yourself into this situation too soon. Not to mention that he lied to you about it. If he had been really concerned about you finding out about his lie, he would've at the very least started divorce proceedings. But he didn't do that.

 

I hate to tell you but I see a lot of red flags here. It's a mistake to start a relationship with him under these circumstances. Tell him what you were going to tell him initially - to get a divorce and let to let you know when it's done. Men are far more smitten by virtue and high standards than women ever know. Don't destroy that for yourself after all this time. This thing about fighting for him is nonsense. Women shouldn't be in a position to fight - that's a guy's job. He's the one who needs to be fighting for you.

 

Just my thoughts....

[whichwayisup]

I get angry and contact his wife, via email. I figured it's over.

 

You mean you thought she would divorce him immediately and hand him over to you?

 

They have a history, and you have a distant history with him. A 15+ year gap where you didn't have contact with him. They DO have a family, even if it involves stepkids.

 

You're putting yourself in a situation where you're going to get hurt. They aren't going to divorce, even if that is what he's told you. He's lied to you before, what's stopping him from lying again? You want to believe what you want to believe and for that, it'll come and bite you in the 'you know what..'

[SoleMate]

Has anyone approached the OW status like this?

No. And I recommend rejecting and fleeing from that "status", not approaching it.

 

 

Tell me what your strategy was? What worked? What didn't?

Like another poster, I have to ask...what does victory even look like? Him moving in with you? And BTW, I am questioning your claim that you don't want marriage. I suspect that you do and just have not admitted it, maybe even to yourself.

I took a sneak peak at his cell phone and noticed no calls out to the wife, but she calls him. My name is saved in the cell phone (cell phone activity is the best way to see what your guy is really up to.)

"The best way?" Have you ever considered a relationship where the best way to see what your partner is up to is just to roll over and look at him? Or have dinner together and ask him?

[LadyDi]

I think you should just do what your doing now. Just be yourself, he'll remember why he fell in love with you all over again and things will be on again. I wouldn't plot, just be yourself, you guys have some fun and get to know each other again. Enjoy yourselves and let the rest fall into place itself. Good Luck!

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he should get divorced FIRST, before pursuing another woman.

[norajane]

I don't think your strategy will work. What you call "fighting" for him, really just means handing yourself to him on a silver platter and allowing him to see you AND stay married.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with norajane.. if you want to remain the OW.. I don't see how it can't work... that's exactly what he wants.. he wants both of you.. her as his W and you as his OW... there is no need to fight here..

[serial muse]

He says he is divorced. I find out later that he lied. He is still married, although he and his wife have been living in different states (Va and Ohio) for almost four years. I get angry and contact his wife, via email. I figured it's over.

 

He calls later and apologizes to me. Saying he should have been honest and didn't want to lose me. He said his marriage has been over for some time and now he just needs to take care of things (divorce).

 

Hi dolphin. I read your other posts looking for more info, but there wasn't much yet...there's a point you haven't really addressed here, though. Which is: what did his wife do/say in response to your email?

 

I'm assuming, since you didn't mention it, that she didn't contact you directly. Obviously she said something to him, since that's what prompted him to call you and apologize for his lies. But what did she say to him? Why doesn't she want a divorce? Is she angry/heartbroken about his cheating? Was it a wakeup call for her? Are you even his first affair? What's really going on here?

 

I agree with those who have said your proposed "strategy" isn't likely to get you what you want. On the contrary. It's far more likely to draw things out for ages while he dithers and can't decide what to do/how to do it and instead chooses to avoid the pain of confrontation.

 

But you're in a bit of a fix, it seems, because this is not a guy who fights for what he wants, from what little you've said. He turned to her because you left him? Swell. So you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Continue the affair, and he probably can't be bothered to leave. Tell him to call you when he's divorced, and he probably won't bother to do that, either. He may not be a bad guy at heart, but he sounds pretty passive. What's so appealing about him, again?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The W isn't your competition. The image of the W in MM's mind and heart is your competition. Regardless of what you do, how hard you fight, you won't win until he changes that image of the W in his mind. You can't reach inside his brain and change things, so you will have to wait until he changes how he feels about divorcing her. Until that happens, no amount of fighting will matter, really. You'll just giving him the best OW a MM can have while still staying married.

[Karma101]

The W isn't your competition. The image of the W in MM's mind and heart is your competition. Regardless of what you do, how hard you fight, you won't win until he changes that image of the W in his mind. You can't reach inside his brain and change things, so you will have to wait until he changes how he feels about divorcing her. Until that happens, no amount of fighting will matter, really.

 

Well said, and what an eye opener for me and my own situation. Perception is not always reality, but he needs to figure that out on his own.

[Lookingforward]

Soooo....if he was "looking for you" how was it you found him easily enough first?

 

Seems he wasn't looking all that hard.

 

You may want to think on that.

[Adunaphel]

The only strategy I believe in is *not* to compete, as I feel that if an OW situation is perceived as an "OW vs W" competition it is automatically a no win situation.

 

If "his marriage has truly been over for some time and now he just needs to take care of things (divorce)", then it is IMO weird that you feel there is competition at all.

Ask yourself if you *truly* believe his words.

[Lucky_One]

I went and read your other posts. I don't think you really know one single thing about their marriage, nor do I think that you are more compatible with him that she is. It sounds like he tells you some things, and your mind takes them and runs with it and assumes a whole lot. And as for being everything he says? Pffft on THAT.

 

You contacted an old BF. He lied to you about his marital status. You met up for sex, and now you want him to get a divorce. I would guess that a divorce will be a long time in coming.

 

Sounds more like he has convinced his wife that you are a nutjob who has a crush on him bc he is "famous", and she trusts him inplicitly.

[White Flower]

What exactly is it you're "fighting" for? By what means will you measure "victory?" What would be a "loss?"

Excellent questions.

 

Why make him divorce if you don't want marriage yourself? If he rarely sees his wife, why not just enjoy him while you have him, especially if you have him a lot more often?

[whichwayisup]

we: myself, his wife and he are all journalists

 

It's a small world in journalism. Is this guy worth ruining your reputation?

[mzdolphin]

You mean you thought she would divorce him immediately and hand him over to you?

 

They have a history, and you have a distant history with him. A 15+ year gap where you didn't have contact with him. They DO have a family, even if it involves stepkids.>>>>>>>

 

No I thought this would end things with he and I. At that point I was angry with him and thought I'd end it with him by telling the wife. I figured if he was trying to "play me" then his wife would know and he'd be caught and it would be over between the to of us. At that point I thought I was being used. I thought he lied to me about his marital status and the nature of his relationship with his wife. I thought they might be "more together" than he was telling me. Turns out I was wrong. He seems more interested in repairing things with me than with her.

[mzdolphin]

Excellent questions.

 

Why make him divorce if you don't want marriage yourself? If he rarely sees his wife, why not just enjoy him while you have him, especially if you have him a lot more often?

 

Because no matter how much time he spends with me, it bothers me that he's married. I think it's something he needs to take care of. He asked me to give him "until the end of this year" to put things in order, taking care of property issues (she's on his health insurance) and other financial matters. I'm thinking that's only a few months and seems reasonable.

 

I don't believe all committed relationships need to end in marriage. I'm divorced and this would be his second. I never say never, but right now I'm just looking to have a committed relationship with him with no other parties involved. And marriage, even if long distance, puts someone else in the picture.

[mzdolphin]

The only strategy I believe in is *not* to compete, as I feel that if an OW situation is perceived as an "OW vs W" competition it is automatically a no win situation.

 

If "his marriage has truly been over for some time and now he just needs to take care of things (divorce)", then it is IMO weird that you feel there is competition at all.

Ask yourself if you *truly* believe his words.

 

 

Interesting. He says there is no competition. But as I said before, when you're married, I mean that is a legal committment if nothing else. At least that's the way I see it. He counters that his marriage has been over for a while. She last visited him at his home this February, when their adult daughter came to visit him. Although they have been living separately for nearly four years, they last had sex in December of 2007. It doesn't feel like we are sneaking around. I'm free to call anytime of day. He calls any time of day. I can call him at work. We talk at least twice a day.

[mzdolphin]

Men are far more smitten by virtue and high standards than women ever know. Don't destroy that for yourself after all this time. This thing about fighting for him is nonsense. Women shouldn't be in a position to fight - that's a guy's job. He's the one who needs to be fighting for you.>>>>>>>>>>>

 

You make some good points. And it is not that I haven't thought these things. I go back and forward on this in my mind all the time. If he's serious, then he will get the divorce and make things work. If he is not, then it's not worth wasting my time.

 

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I think the real ambivalence is in "what do I want?" I like the fact that he lives 90 minutes a way. I don't want him living in the same city. I can have my life, my space and romance too. This is what I’m struggling with. But I am up front with him about it. I’m not demanding that he get a divorce in the hopes that I will be the future wife. Cause that’s just not going to happen. I need to add, if I haven’t, that I have an 11 year old. I really don’t want to complicate his life. So I only like to see “my guy” when my son is not around.

[mzdolphin]

"The best way?" Have you ever considered a relationship where the best way to see what your partner is up to is just to roll over and look at him? Or have dinner together and ask him? >>>>>>

 

This is the OW thread. And no I really don't want marriage. I'm honest about that. At least not until my son is an adult (that's 7 years from now).

[OWoman]

"The best way?" Have you ever considered a relationship where the best way to see what your partner is up to is just to roll over and look at him? Or have dinner together and ask him? >>>>>>

 

This is the OW thread. And no I really don't want marriage. I'm honest about that. At least not until my son is an adult (that's 7 years from now).

 

It's perfectly possible to have that (quoted above) as an OW - btdt - if that's what you want. But the real advantage of the OW-type R is hat you don't HAVE to have someone in your face all the time. You get to choose the kind of R you want, and fashion it according to your own needs and wants. It's not socially prescribed and delimited in the way that something like marriage is.