People who've had a affair with a woman in a Abusive Marriages

[Confused4Now]

I was curious if anyone here has been involved with a married person (woman preferably) who was married to a abusive person. My situation has been pretty much documented on both Infidelity and OW/OM.

 

My MW has finally gotten the H out of the house but he finds any excuse to come back to visit. Their kids are 18 and 22. So after pulling information from her she tells me he might be there 3 times a week. Mind you this is suppose to be a separation. It's been roughly almost a month since he's moved out.

 

I notice her getting online during the night and chatting with me when before it never happened. Maybe in a couple of instances there was silence a couple of nights. Well the other night I was done with my Bowling league and since her house on the way by my house. I glanced over and saw husbands truck there. So this was about 9:30pm at night. So about midnight I came back and it was still there. So you can imagine what I was thinking. Well stoopid me got up at 4:30am and drove by again and guess what his truck is there. So my guess is he spent the night there.

 

So I really wasn't going to say anything to my MW cause I didn't want to appear as a stalker. So in a round about way I said "Hey I know how your hubby can be with the abusiveness. I was curious since he's moved out has he been at home at all to spend the night?" And she says NO he hasn't......so to me that tellls me she's lying. So my question to you folks is victims of a abusive partner. Does the situation make them better liars cause they are always scared? Cause this is the first time I've ever caught her in a lie. I'm sure if she answered yes...she'd know I would be very upset so she might chose to lie so she didn't have to fight that battle.

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline - She has cheated on her husband, lied to him. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she would never ever lie to you. She has, and now you have proof.

 

This is the 'first' lie you've caught her in...That doesn't mean she hasn't lied to you before. You probably didn't see the red flags, nor did you ever want to.

 

She's selfish and thinking of herself, not you, and not him. IF this man was TRULY abusive, physically anyway, he would NOT be in her house, let alone sleep over. Do you not see this?

 

Has she talked to a lawyer?

 

They aren't divorced, they're separated yet he is there....Sleeping over.

 

I know you want to believe in her, believe in you two as a couple - BUT, the thing is, she is STILL married, like it or not. There is more going on than she is letting you know about.

 

If you want to stop hurting, stop being the OM. Tell her it's OVER, as much as it will hurt you, tell her goodbye. IF she wants you, she can divorce, and then pursue you, have you in her life. Until then, do your best to focus on you and your life.

[Angel1111]

Hey, Confused. Good to hear from you....except that I wish I were hearing more positive things. Oh, well. I think it's progress that he has moved out because the more she's away from the abuse, the less tolerant she will become of it; and the more she realizes that she can physically survive without him, the stronger she'll become.

 

As hard as it is to swallow this apparent lie she told you, I think you need to consider the very deep-seated, even sick dynamics that go on between people 'hooked' in these relationships. I was married to an abusive man for 4 yrs and, even though I consider myself a strong person, he nearly broke me. I think your MW is broken inside and this lie is not about you. I know that sounds strange but the energy between them has probably lessened but it's going to take a little while before it finally dies between them. Now, don't mistake this for love - it's just a sick and twisted dance they do together and it's as real as anything.

 

Honesty, hon, I know you love this woman more than life itself but I do think you need to step back and stop being there for her so much. I don't mean that you need to get cold and ugly with her, just stop always being there and stop having expectations. Marriage is a very tangled web, as you know, and this thick, sticky web of their marriage needs to unravel itself. I know you want to be there, I know you want for the two of you to be together but she has to disentangle herself first - and that's probably not going to happen at the pace you want it to.

 

I know none of it makes sense but an abused person has a true love/hate relationship with her abuser. She honestly feels that she cannot survive without him. She also believes that she's undesireable and less than human because he has convinced her of that. So when he comes back and charms his way back into her life, she lets it happen because she needs to feel lovable and human. Abusers take away the most basic needs that are within us. She has to experience this so that she can escape from it. As I said, this is very positive that he has moved out. But don't expect it all to end there. You need to be come to terms with her inner struggle and be her friend and, for now, stop being her lover. I know it stinks and I know how badly you want her.

 

Honestly I believe that the two of you will be together someday and, when you are, she'll wonder what on earth she had been thinking before. But she has to do this at her pace. And the truth is, she doesn't even realize what's going on and she thinks she must be insane - that's really more of what is behind her lies to you. She thinks that you'll think she's as nuts as she thinks she is. You're going to have to find a place inside yourself where you can step back but still be in her life somehow. By trying to make a future with her right now, you're confusing things even more and it will create a rift between the two of you. She needs so much to know that she is free to get through this, and that you'll still love her when it's all over with. You can say all of that without saying a word. Try to give her that space.

[whichwayisup]

Even if they do end up divorcing, she will need therapy to help her change her thinking patterns and own self destructive behaviour. She's too reliant on you, like you're saving her from her bad marriage. Problem is, she has nothing to give to you now. And with that, you are going to be very hurt..

[Die Hard]

the mw i was involved with has an abusive husband. punched her in the mouth one night and i had to pull her upper front teeth back forward for her since she wouldn't go to the hospital.

 

i don't think it makes them better liars but it sure makes them broken people. she doesn't have to be abused to tell a lie. we all can do that.

 

like wwiu said, she'll need lots of therapy. if she ever gets it, she will probably change VERY much as a person, as she should.

[bentnotbroken]

It's not the first time you caught her in a lie, it's just the first time that she lied to you instead of to him. You knew she was lying to him, but you didn't care. You felt as if it was justified. Maybe she is has justified her lying to you as well. Get used to it. A cheater lies, for whatever reasons. Be it abuse, loneliness or just plain evil. They lie.

[agate]

I can only speak from my own experiences here so can't speak for your MW. I had been in an abusive marriage and to protect myself emotionally I convinced myself that the abuse wasn't that big a deal and because of this it DID cause me to become a better liar. I had so much practice lyeing to myself that lyeing to friends and family didn't seem like a very big deal either. I was rather numb inside. I was finally able to break free of the prison I had created in my mind (as a form of emotional protection

) because one person was finally able to reach me, to wake me up. Even after my ex moved out he still held a very strong controll over me, emotionally and otherwise because it took a very long time for me to beable to see my own selfworth again. That is what abusers steal, our selves, and it takes a fight to get that back. If I had not had my friend standing beside me and not allowing me to hide behind my wall and to face reality I would probably STILL be in that horrid marriage.

 

I suppose what my point is, is that your MW may not feel cappable of telling the truth about him spending the night because it would be admitting that she is not as strong as she wants to believe and that this man still has some power over her. That is something that probably shames her. I can not see what is in her mind and heart but that is just my view of a possibility. I would suggest still standing by her if that is what feels right to you. Please also let her know that you are concerned that the H may have spent the night. Please don't say it as an accusation, but as if you are concerned for her. Just a suggestion. I have a feeling she is lucky to have you standing by her side because she may just need your strenght and understanding to get through this and to rebuild herself when it is finally done.

[MizzBlue72]

I agree with some of what is said here - sometimes women build the walls around their hearts so high that it's hard to let them down - easier to lie.

[carhill]

OP, a couple things...

 

H isn't as bad as she's made out to you, trust me. MW has to rationalize things to a certain degree.

 

She has learned to lie when it's expedient for her to so. Path of least resistance. She has decades of practice. She likely will never change. It's a coping mechanism.

 

The "dance" with her H will likely go on for some time. The kids are adults now so perhaps that time isn't what it used to be but a habit, even a bad one, is hard to shake.

 

You can't "fix" her. Only time, introspection and professional help will, IMO, and those things should take place without being in a relationship.

 

From my own experience, I can opine you'll likely never know or comprehend the depth and extent of her "baggage". It can be truly staggering...

 

I wish you well, and, truthfully, I think she's someone you should love enough to let go

[Confused4Now]

 

As hard as it is to swallow this apparent lie she told you, I think you need to consider the very deep-seated, even sick dynamics that go on between people 'hooked' in these relationships. I was married to an abusive man for 4 yrs and, even though I consider myself a strong person, he nearly broke me. I think your MW is broken inside and this lie is not about you. I know that sounds strange but the energy between them has probably lessened but it's going to take a little while before it finally dies between them. Now, don't mistake this for love - it's just a sick and twisted dance they do together and it's as real as anything.

 

Honesty, hon, I know you love this woman more than life itself but I do think you need to step back and stop being there for her so much. I don't mean that you need to get cold and ugly with her, just stop always being there and stop having expectations. Marriage is a very tangled web, as you know, and this thick, sticky web of their marriage needs to unravel itself. I know you want to be there, I know you want for the two of you to be together but she has to disentangle herself first - and that's probably not going to happen at the pace you want it to.

 

I know none of it makes sense but an abused person has a true love/hate relationship with her abuser. She honestly feels that she cannot survive without him. She also believes that she's undesireable and less than human because he has convinced her of that. So when he comes back and charms his way back into her life, she lets it happen because she needs to feel lovable and human. Abusers take away the most basic needs that are within us. She has to experience this so that she can escape from it. As I said, this is very positive that he has moved out. But don't expect it all to end there. You need to be come to terms with her inner struggle and be her friend and, for now, stop being her lover. I know it stinks and I know how badly you want her.

 

Honestly I believe that the two of you will be together someday and, when you are, she'll wonder what on earth she had been thinking before. But she has to do this at her pace. And the truth is, she doesn't even realize what's going on and she thinks she must be insane - that's really more of what is behind her lies to you. She thinks that you'll think she's as nuts as she thinks she is. You're going to have to find a place inside yourself where you can step back but still be in her life somehow. By trying to make a future with her right now, you're confusing things even more and it will create a rift between the two of you. She needs so much to know that she is free to get through this, and that you'll still love her when it's all over with. You can say all of that without saying a word. Try to give her that space.

 

The one thing that I have tried to do is take the backseat approach however I find myself trying to help out to much and that's when she feels I push....I do know she needs me as a friend cause she has said many times that I'm her best friend. But I want more and after almost 3 months of not having sex with her I did last week and it messes me up.

 

I've read many books on abuse and the one thing I know is he will find anyway he can to charm his way back into the house. The fact she's told me that he's there 3 or 4 days weeks to visit really shows me the is not a true separation and I really don't think her closest family members even know there is a separation yet.

 

She's assured me that we will be together on Christmas and again I fall for the dates she gives me....however with the stuff i know now...I can't even see that happening. I guess you can say the fog is being lifted or my eyes are finally opening. She always know the things to say to keep me baited and I stay. I will continue to be her friend and take what scraps she gives me till I finally get tired or she's finally with me. I know she has to do things at her pace.

[bish]

Bottomline - She has cheated on her husband, lied to him. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she would never ever lie to you. She has, and now you have proof.

 

That and how does he know he is abusive? Because she said so? Not saying she is lying about that at all, but how does he know?

 

And men who sleep with MW that say they are abused could be seen in the same light as a chickenhawk.

[bish]

the mw i was involved with has an abusive husband. punched her in the mouth one night and i had to pull her upper front teeth back forward for her since she wouldn't go to the hospital.

 

Now there is where you had real proof of abuse. Did you tell her to go to the cops? Cheating or not, one would always hope that the abused wife has a couple of brothers that would take a trip over to her hosue and just beat the living dogs##t out of the husband.

[whichwayisup]

The one thing that I have tried to do is take the backseat approach however I find myself trying to help out to much and that's when she feels I push....I do know she needs me as a friend cause she has said many times that I'm her best friend. But I want more and after almost 3 months of not having sex with her I did last week and it messes me up.

 

Why are you pushing? Ask yourself this - WHAT are you getting out of this affair/relationship? You haven't had sex in months, then you two did have sex, and it has messed you up. What good is that? What happiness does this woman give you? To me it seems she has nothing TO give to you. Just what's left over and that isn't much.

 

I've read many books on abuse and the one thing I know is he will find anyway he can to charm his way back into the house. The fact she's told me that he's there 3 or 4 days weeks to visit really shows me the is not a true separation and I really don't think her closest family members even know there is a separation yet.

 

Why not? Don't they know she's in an abusive marriage? Don't you think they would be HAPPY she got out? Why isn't she asking for their help? Why is it 'just' you trying to bail her out?

 

She is playing both of you. Not maliciously, but SELFISHLY. Her ways of handling ALL of this is unhealthy, which also proves how messed up she really is.

 

She's assured me that we will be together on Christmas and again I fall for the dates she gives me....however with the stuff i know now...I can't even see that happening. I guess you can say the fog is being lifted or my eyes are finally opening. She always know the things to say to keep me baited and I stay. I will continue to be her friend and take what scraps she gives me till I finally get tired or she's finally with me. I know she has to do things at her pace.

 

She is not going to be with you at Christmas. You know this in your heart. I am glad to see that the fog is lifting and you're doubting her and her empty promises. Wishful thinking and hoping gets you NOWHERE. Go read stampdaddy's threads!

 

Why do you stay? Why are you settling for table scraps? You are aware she knows how to manipulate you, rope you in - WHY are you letting her treat you like this? Where's your self esteem?

 

It's sad that you will stick around until you get tired of her treatment or until she gives you the boot for good. What you have in your life right now with her is doing tons of damage to you. You've lost yourself because of her, and allowed it all to happen.

 

She is INCAPABLE of being in ANY type of healthy relationship, let alone leave her marriage.

[Crow9726]

I was in a relationship with a lady who had been in a couple of abusive relationships. This relationship ended a couple months ago...but now I am scarred from it.

 

She had led a lifetime of abuse in some form or another. The last one she was in...she was deeply in love/lust with him. Even the times she left him and came to me for solace and emotional support...she ended up going back. It even evolved into her having sex with him in order to get some of her stuff back from when they lived together.

 

When she and I became a couple...and eventually moved in together...everything seemed fine. However, emotional barriers started to arise. Intimacy issues arrived. Rules regarding physical intimacy and affection cropped up. It got so bad that the things in my nature that originally attracted her to me then became issues. I was too romantic...I was not demanding enough...I required too much affection...I gave too much affection. It finally came to the point that sex could only be done mechanically with her being totally detached. Little signs of affection were dismissed...and she gave none in return. I ended up changing into someone I know longer recognized. My emotional well was being emptied more and more every day.

 

I know she loved me...and still does. But I question if she was ever truly in love with me. She had passion for her ex...but displayed no true passion for me. I will always think that she settled for me...but only for the short term.

 

When we did split up it was very amicable. She is a much stronger person as a result of being with me...but she could not deal with being in a healthy relationship. I gave her all I could and tried my best to make her life as idyllic and stress free as possible. I refused to let drama creep in. Unfortunately she seems attracted to being used and abused. I guess it gives her some twisted sense of affirmation.

 

So, my suggestion is to protect yourself. Perhaps my experience with this is more isolated than most...but know that some people are drawn to an abusive partner for reasons they will never fully know or comprehend.

 

Maybe healthy relationships aren't for everybody.

 

I do know I miss her terribly...and not a moment goes by when she isn't in my thoughts. I am deeply in love with her...but will never know what it feels like to have her love me back with the same depth and ferocity. And that saddens me greatly.

 

I often wonder if I would have been more like her prior partners...and less like myself...if it would have worked out.

 

Too late to find out.

[whichwayisup]

but she could not deal with being in a healthy relationship.

 

Confused - Read this about 1000 times! Your MW is not capable right now, nor for a long time, of being in a healthy relationship. Inside she is a broken woman, has deep issues, pains and hurts that YOU cannot take away from her and fix. She is stuck in a holding pattern and you can't rescue her - BECAUSE she doesn't want to be rescued.

[DealingWDrama]

My mother was in a VERY abusive realtionship and stayed with the man for 9 years until he finally found another lover and left and divorced her. I dno't understand why women stay with people who beat the stuffing out of them, but it happens every day. Perhaps she doesn't feel like she deserves you...perhaps she, on some strange level, enjoys the ups and downs and constant drama. Good luck!

[Confused4Now]

Now there is where you had real proof of abuse. Did you tell her to go to the cops? Cheating or not, one would always hope that the abused wife has a couple of brothers that would take a trip over to her hosue and just beat the living dogs##t out of the husband.

 

Do your research....abuse is not always physical...there is verbal and emotional abuse.

[whichwayisup]

Do your research....abuse is not always physical...there is verbal and emotional abuse.

 

Then how you are helping HER in this situation, having an affair with her when she is this messed up from emotional and verbal abuse? You said you've been pushing her and then she distances herself from you.

 

Do you NOT see how wrong that is? ESPECIALLY because this woman's MINDSET is in a holding pattern OF being an abuse victim. To you, to push her because 'you want sex, intimacy, closeness' but to her it's 'what does want from me, it's freaking me out, I can't handle it'... DO you see that she has UNHEALTHY reactions and actions to YOU as well?

 

What are YOU getting out of this? What does she actually have to offer you?

[bish]

Do your research....abuse is not always physical...there is verbal and emotional abuse.

 

Gee...no kidding?

 

But the person I was replying to was citing a case of witnessed PHYSICAL abuse.

[bish]

Then how you are helping HER in this situation, having an affair with her when she is this messed up from emotional and verbal abuse? You said you've been pushing her and then she distances herself from you.

 

Perhaps preying on vulnerabilities? Just a thought.

 

 

Do you NOT see how wrong that is? ESPECIALLY because this woman's MINDSET is in a holding pattern OF being an abuse victim. To you, to push her because 'you want sex, intimacy, closeness' but to her it's 'what does want from me, it's freaking me out, I can't handle it'... DO you see that she has UNHEALTHY reactions and actions to YOU as well?

 

What are YOU getting out of this? What does she actually have to offer you?

[Confused4Now]

I was in a relationship with a lady who had been in a couple of abusive relationships. This relationship ended a couple months ago...but now I am scarred from it.

 

She had led a lifetime of abuse in some form or another. The last one she was in...she was deeply in love/lust with him. Even the times she left him and came to me for solace and emotional support...she ended up going back. It even evolved into her having sex with him in order to get some of her stuff back from when they lived together.

 

When she and I became a couple...and eventually moved in together...everything seemed fine. However, emotional barriers started to arise. Intimacy issues arrived. Rules regarding physical intimacy and affection cropped up. It got so bad that the things in my nature that originally attracted her to me then became issues. I was too romantic...I was not demanding enough...I required too much affection...I gave too much affection. It finally came to the point that sex could only be done mechanically with her being totally detached. Little signs of affection were dismissed...and she gave none in return. I ended up changing into someone I know longer recognized. My emotional well was being emptied more and more every day.

 

I know she loved me...and still does. But I question if she was ever truly in love with me. She had passion for her ex...but displayed no true passion for me. I will always think that she settled for me...but only for the short term.

 

When we did split up it was very amicable. She is a much stronger person as a result of being with me...but she could not deal with being in a healthy relationship. I gave her all I could and tried my best to make her life as idyllic and stress free as possible. I refused to let drama creep in. Unfortunately she seems attracted to being used and abused. I guess it gives her some twisted sense of affirmation.

 

So, my suggestion is to protect yourself. Perhaps my experience with this is more isolated than most...but know that some people are drawn to an abusive partner for reasons they will never fully know or comprehend.

 

Maybe healthy relationships aren't for everybody.

 

I do know I miss her terribly...and not a moment goes by when she isn't in my thoughts. I am deeply in love with her...but will never know what it feels like to have her love me back with the same depth and ferocity. And that saddens me greatly.

 

I often wonder if I would have been more like her prior partners...and less like myself...if it would have worked out.

 

Too late to find out.

 

Why is it I could see myself in this very predicament I truly believe that abuse has been her whole life and you might be right...I'm in the middle of drama every day. I keep thinking if she removes herself from it and comes to me things will be better. Even my friends have said this has been part of her whole life. This is all she knows....from childhood to marriage..all about abuse of some kind. The good thing is she is going to weekly therapy so she's finding out a lot about herself.

 

Maybe that has been my only role to get her out of her marriage.

[Angel1111]

Why is it I could see myself in this very predicament I truly believe that abuse has been her whole life and you might be right...I'm in the middle of drama every day. I keep thinking if she removes herself from it and comes to me things will be better. Even my friends have said this has been part of her whole life. This is all she knows....from childhood to marriage..all about abuse of some kind. The good thing is she is going to weekly therapy so she's finding out a lot about herself.

 

Maybe that has been my only role to get her out of her marriage.

 

Well, that actually makes sense because I do know that if someone else had come along and offered love in place of the crap I was living with, it would've been much easier to walk away. But I did not grow up with abuse and that was the only abusive relationship I had ever been in. Plus, I was older when I met him, which meant I had a different frame of reference about relationships anyway. It still had an incredible effect on me and there were times when I realized that I had actually forgotten what it was like to be with someone normal - like that life I had once known was from another space and time.

 

I was always confused about why your MW didn't run to you as though you were a lake in the desert. Now I think I get it. It's not to say that all is doomed - if she's in therapy, I think that's very promising. She knows that her behavior isn't normal and she wants to know why. But I don't think this is going to change anytime soon. And the dates that she's giving you is not meant to fool you - she really believes it. But everytime she gives you a timeline, the pressure increases. You need to let her know that the date is no longer important and that you're there for her as a friend. I know this is really tough because you want to be with her but she just can't give that to you right now. She is in a very different place.

 

Just let her talk, listen without judgement, and she'll realize that you're her dearest friend, the one who is truly kind to her, and that she is truly loved with you. This separation between them is good - even if he is there a lot - because the next time they fight, she has a little more wiggle room. It shows that she's getting tired of him and wants out. It may not seem like it to you, but that's where she's headed. She just has to do it in small steps. As you said, you're going to either get tired of this, or something will give and you'll be together.