Checking in. Good progress!

[wildsoul]

I've been hesitant to post good news, because I've been imagining that I'll get some people poking at me trying to find something wrong. Seems to me that a few peeps have an agenda. But in reality, most of you are really postitive supporters. Besides, this thread could use a happy progress report. It gets so heavy here.

 

My MM has been in his new apartment for over a month, so he is a Separated Man (SM) now. I agreed to start dating him again after he moved out (we were broken up for a month.) So while we were "back together," I've been giving him space to do what he needs to do there. I didn't even spend the night there until week before last. Something has been telling me that I should let him get used to living like a single man again, yanno?

 

He said when he got the lease that he "wasn't going back" and that he knew he needed to stay away from the home he owns with his W so that she begins to shake the denial and realize he is serious. I wanted to see what he actually did in that regard. I've been pleasantly surprised that he has spent every night at his new place, sleeping on foam pad on the floor until the furniture arrived. He has had to make trips to get belongings, but he times it so that he is in/out quickly, no chance of his W drawing him into late discussions or trying to get him to stay there.

 

I'm trying to balance in a place of keeping the focus on my own life, giving him space to sort out his, and yet also building our R at this new level. So I'm taking it a little slower than him (he's still very focused on talking about our future) and I take that in without getting too wrapped up. Make sense? It's a fine balancing act, and I'm finding it getting easier to be graceful.

 

He's been completely wonderful and true to his word in every way. It's SO much better now. We are in this nice relief from having the A dynamic removed. Sure, the D needs to happen next, but I'm not going to push for it. I really don't want to get caught up in having a vested interest in his D. Again, it's all about finding the right balance.

 

One of my conditions of reconcilliation, besides him moving out, was that we begin to become a social couple. I want/need to see how our friends and family circles interact. The A made it so that the normal cycles of dating got off kilter. Usually, you would want to meet your BF's people as that factors into things, but with the secrecy of an A, you end up bonding with your partner and not having those other inputs. (Seriously, I do not want to marry into a whackjob bunch of in-laws, yanno?)

 

He is still in the process of announcing his separation and it's HUGE for him. Some of his family members are testing him hard (and I think that is going to get worse for awhile.) They are trying to talk him out of the separation. He seems to be telling people in a way that makes sense to him, rallying the ones who are most likely to be supportive first. It's important that this process goes well for him, and I try to stay out of it. He is trying to let them know about the separation first, then there's a phase of gradually introducing me. We are trying to be discreet, as much for me as for him. I am concerned that if people think I am the OW that they will hate me, and if we are going to have a long-term future, then I want to have good relations. So we are easing in.

 

Tonight, I'm going to meet the first one of his friends! It's a best friend he's known his whole life. My SM moved to the friends town in part because he knew the friend would be a good support. Turns out that the friend ALSO just told his W that he wants to conisider D. So it's perfect that they are now each other's support team. My guy can talk to his friend instead of me. I don't want to be my guy's D counselor. So we talk just a little bit as we need to, but for the heavy talks he's got his friend--whew!

 

I'm a little nervous about meeting the best friend. I hope he likes me and me him. It's another big step in the right direction. If it goes well, then my guy will probably feel a huge relief too. He's already met some of my friends. Now it's my turn to meet his.

 

Anyway, all is well. I feel solid. My guy has been awesome. One step at a time. I'm soooo glad I put my foot down and broke up with him in July. I couldn't tolerate being an OW any longer. And while it's still precarious to date a SM, it feels like I dropped a ton of bricks now that he moved out.

[2sunny]

hugs ws (((((WS)))))

 

i am so glad that things are moving along in a positive direction for you!

 

as for meeting the friend... just be your kind self and only give him info he asks for... that way you play it safe by not doing any nervous chatter. when we do nervous chatter - we give out unnecessary info.

[jj33]

WS that is great news. I am glad things are going well. Hope you have a fabulous time tonite.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like good news to me. Just keep a portion of your heart safe though.

[mytruelove]

so good to hear good news from you!!! you sound strong.

 

how did the night with the friend go?

 

i've actually hung out with some of my guys friends and family. the one friend is really accepting and great (knows everything between us). i love all his family- our two families are close. my mom actually was the one that told me i had to meet him years ago because i would really "like" him.

 

you will be proud to know i'm taking a stand on one friend next week. he's going to be there when he wants me to come around for him to do some stuff for me...but, last time this certain friend was around we had to "pretend" and i didn't like that, so i'm going to tell him that if that is what will happen next week, i'd rather stay away

 

do you think maybe through all this i'm starting to get a little bit of a backbone?

 

you give me strength girl!!! good going

[Confused4Now]

I've been hesitant to post good news, because I've been imagining that I'll get some people poking at me trying to find something wrong. Seems to me that a few peeps have an agenda. But in reality, most of you are really postitive supporters. Besides, this thread could use a happy progress report. It gets so heavy here.

 

My MM has been in his new apartment for over a month, so he is a Separated Man (SM) now. I agreed to start dating him again after he moved out (we were broken up for a month.) So while we were "back together," I've been giving him space to do what he needs to do there. I didn't even spend the night there until week before last. Something has been telling me that I should let him get used to living like a single man again, yanno?

 

He said when he got the lease that he "wasn't going back" and that he knew he needed to stay away from the home he owns with his W so that she begins to shake the denial and realize he is serious. I wanted to see what he actually did in that regard. I've been pleasantly surprised that he has spent every night at his new place, sleeping on foam pad on the floor until the furniture arrived. He has had to make trips to get belongings, but he times it so that he is in/out quickly, no chance of his W drawing him into late discussions or trying to get him to stay there.

 

I'm trying to balance in a place of keeping the focus on my own life, giving him space to sort out his, and yet also building our R at this new level. So I'm taking it a little slower than him (he's still very focused on talking about our future) and I take that in without getting too wrapped up. Make sense? It's a fine balancing act, and I'm finding it getting easier to be graceful.

 

He's been completely wonderful and true to his word in every way. It's SO much better now. We are in this nice relief from having the A dynamic removed. Sure, the D needs to happen next, but I'm not going to push for it. I really don't want to get caught up in having a vested interest in his D. Again, it's all about finding the right balance.

 

One of my conditions of reconcilliation, besides him moving out, was that we begin to become a social couple. I want/need to see how our friends and family circles interact. The A made it so that the normal cycles of dating got off kilter. Usually, you would want to meet your BF's people as that factors into things, but with the secrecy of an A, you end up bonding with your partner and not having those other inputs. (Seriously, I do not want to marry into a whackjob bunch of in-laws, yanno?)

 

He is still in the process of announcing his separation and it's HUGE for him. Some of his family members are testing him hard (and I think that is going to get worse for awhile.) They are trying to talk him out of the separation. He seems to be telling people in a way that makes sense to him, rallying the ones who are most likely to be supportive first. It's important that this process goes well for him, and I try to stay out of it. He is trying to let them know about the separation first, then there's a phase of gradually introducing me. We are trying to be discreet, as much for me as for him. I am concerned that if people think I am the OW that they will hate me, and if we are going to have a long-term future, then I want to have good relations. So we are easing in.

 

Tonight, I'm going to meet the first one of his friends! It's a best friend he's known his whole life. My SM moved to the friends town in part because he knew the friend would be a good support. Turns out that the friend ALSO just told his W that he wants to conisider D. So it's perfect that they are now each other's support team. My guy can talk to his friend instead of me. I don't want to be my guy's D counselor. So we talk just a little bit as we need to, but for the heavy talks he's got his friend--whew!

 

I'm a little nervous about meeting the best friend. I hope he likes me and me him. It's another big step in the right direction. If it goes well, then my guy will probably feel a huge relief too. He's already met some of my friends. Now it's my turn to meet his.

 

Anyway, all is well. I feel solid. My guy has been awesome. One step at a time. I'm soooo glad I put my foot down and broke up with him in July. I couldn't tolerate being an OW any longer. And while it's still precarious to date a SM, it feels like I dropped a ton of bricks now that he moved out.

 

In my situation all my family has met my MW...and I'm waiting to get to a point as you. We've come this far already like you she wants family to know it wasn't about me when she divorces H.

 

I'm happy things are progressing very well for you. Even though I've read a lot of sad stories around here..its always nice to see success stories as well.

[White Flower]

That is great news! He is putting his words to action and I am so happy for you. There are many OWs who wish they were in your shoes right now.

 

Hugs and wishes for continued happiness,

WF.

[Agent_99]

WS~

 

That's great! I'm glad that you are balancing everything okay and that things are progressing well.

 

~99

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Really pleased for you that things are all falling into place and youre happy!

 

Excellent news & best of luck for the future!

 

[Angel1111]

Yes, you do sound very centered and strong. I'm so glad things are going well. Keep us posted.

[blinded]

It's just the beginning, but things sound like they're on the upswing. YAY!

[wildsoul]

Checking in after being away on a business trip. Things are progressing on the relationship front. We're starting to bump against some forseeable challenges and learning how to navigate past them.

 

I didn't have time to meet his live-long best friend the night before my trip, as I was packing and so forth, but my SM arranged for us to to get together upon my return. I was a teeny bit nervous, as this is the first one of his friends I met since my guy has been separated and living in his own place. His friend was a super warm and friendly guy. He is also separating from his own M (of 30 years with teenage/collage age kids.)

 

I'm glad that these two have each other to lean on. My guy told me that both of their wives are in touch, each trying to get their husbands to stop the separation and so forth. For their part, the guys are encouraging each other to hold firm and not give the women false hope. It's a blessing that they can share their challenges with each other. I'm equally glad that I don't have to hear every struggle my guy goes through--he's got his buddy for that. I want to hear just enough about where my guy is at, but not too much, yanno? It's his divorce, not mine.

 

His friend did tell us that he would like to spend more time with us, but he doesn't want his wife to know that my guy is already seeing someone. But at the same time, I imagine that meeting me is opening up a window into his own future when he will start dating again. They both want to handle their divorces well, and I am proof that it can be done (as my own M ended very very smoothly.)

 

It was interesting to see what surfaced for me upon leaving for 10 days. I'm not surprised, because it is my nature to find the faulty thing in a good situation. After a couple days of reflection, I'm good and stable. Here's what came up that I had to work through:

 

We are in a good phase of him being separated. When I was preparing to travel, he was very sweet and insistant on driving me to and from the airport. (No guy ever offered to do that before; I'm used to being an independant biz woman.) He was romantic and attended to all my needs. We spoke every night while I was gone and during the day when I had time. It was all good, but....

 

The worrying part of me noticed the downside of him having his own apartment, thinking he could very easily cheat on me, especially while I was gone. I know this is a normal concern given our past, so I did my best to push the feelings aside. However, just because I knew (since the beginning) that trust issues would eventually surface when we became a couple, there is no getting over it. I've got to go through it.

 

Upon my return, he was fantastic. Greeting me with flowers and having dinner ready at his home. But my shadow side started to wonder if he might have had someone over, and I was compelled to quiz him about it. He handled my interrogations pretty well, but I had a hard time letting it go. He couldn't really win with me. He'd express his commitment and I would be okay for several hours, then I'd get it going again. Ugh. So we had a couple days together that were a mix of really nice, but then some angst-ridden talks.

 

Ultimately on Sunday, I left his house to go back to my own. I was praying for help and guidance when a friend called. I went to visit her and she completely calmed me down. I was then able to see how my anxiety was triggered by him being separated, ironically--the very thing I insisted on previously. In a backwards way, this is still a sign of progress. We are going through the next level of becoming a couple. Also ironically, the reason I was out of town was that I was teaching a seminar on team development and how it's normal for people to go through a testing and power-struggle phase at this juncture.

 

We did have some good conversations about trust & monogamy though. More importantly, we got to experience having difficult conversations without us breaking up over it. If we are going to be a couple, then we must develop that skill set. My guy definitely got stressed by my tearful worries and confrontations. He tends towards shutting down, which makes me worse. But then he turned it around and came towards me, expressing his devotion, and that helped anchor me. In the last couple days, he has been taking great care to tell me repetively how he is committed to me and wants us to go deeper. I'm feeling much better now. I also expect that we'll go through more rounds of this sort of thing. That helps me to be more mature about it.

 

Thanks for reading this lengthy check in. I hope it might also help someone who is going through some of these phases. It's so easy to get freaked out when in reality, we just need to accept that forging a relationship borne out of an A is not easy. It's an imperfect situation, and we are imperfect people. The love and chemistry are still strong. If we can get though this, then we can get through anything.

[whichwayisup]

The worrying part of me noticed the downside of him having his own apartment, thinking he could very easily cheat on me, especially while I was gone. I know this is a normal concern given our past, so I did my best to push the feelings aside. However, just because I knew (since the beginning) that trust issues would eventually surface when we became a couple, there is no getting over it. I've got to go through it.

 

Upon my return, he was fantastic. Greeting me with flowers and having dinner ready at his home. But my shadow side started to wonder if he might have had someone over, and I was compelled to quiz him about it. He handled my interrogations pretty well, but I had a hard time letting it go. He couldn't really win with me. He'd express his commitment and I would be okay for several hours, then I'd get it going again. Ugh. So we had a couple days together that were a mix of really nice, but then some angst-ridden talks.

Somehow you need to trust him and start fresh. If you let the past and the cheating stuff get in the way, your relationship isn't going to last. Even after he tried to reaffirm his committment to you, the faith and trust still isn't there.

[SerenityX2]

Since you are feeling angst and don't see that ending...I'd like to say...

 

I hope you don't lightly brush off the intuition speaking to you. There's good reason for it.

 

It's still very new, I'd be shocked if you saw more of the behavior that caused you concern in the past, but if he hasn't sought professional help to solve it, it's still there, please please don't be so blinded by love that you miss that.

 

Honestly I'd advise you to step completely out and away and let him heal himself. I'm from the camp that believes a healthy r'ship can never be born from just hopping from one to another. People need time to heal, broken r'ships need time to grieve.

 

You can't do that when your trying to give your all to someone else, it's like trying to instantly replace something to avoid a harsher pain. You can only do that with puppies, not people. People need to be wholly there to give to one another, when one is broken they are not capable of that, no matter how hard they try.

 

I realize you weren't looking for advice, and most likely will gloss over what I've said, and that's understandable for wanting what you want.

 

A r'ship should never ever have angst or pain between the people. Life circumstances sure. But in relation to each other, never. Life and love was never meant to be that difficult, we humans do that to force our agenda instead of letting what will be take over. Took me a while to get that...but now I get it, and I wish everyone could see it doesn't have to be that hard. I could never imagined how blessed I could be but it wasn't until I stopped forcing my free will that things changed.

 

Your concern that he'd have someone over speaks volumes that you don't trust him unless he's in your sight and that's not really trust. I wish you'd see that.

 

He truly needs to not only be sorry for how this started with you but WHY he chose to cheat instead of owning up to his unhappiness. People don't make each other happy, happiness comes from within.

 

It seems you forced his hand in his decision to move. That works in the short term for success, but not likely the long unless he addresses why he wanted out and why he couldn't be honest with anyone.

 

Good luck to you. I know you want this. I'm trying not to be harsh but to keep you grounded, there are great guys out there, personally I don't see it with him. Flowers and dinners are lovely but honestly not that hard to come by. Neither are pretty words or guys that will make you feel on top of the world. But all of that plus lasting love that you don't doubt or have questions fused with passion but grounded in peace, that's rare. I see this as a source of stress for you...I wish you strength.

[jj33]

So good to hear good news from you. It all sounds very positive to me.

 

If the thought that he might cheat DIDNT cross your mind, you would be out of touch and blinded by love. The fact that it does means your finger is on the pulse. You have a strong and well honed intuition. If this were more than growing pains, you would know it (or so Id like to think).

 

Contrary to what most posters will say, I think that your gut when you are still and listen very hard, tells you what you need to know. Do you trust this man. Has he grown since the night he put up his ad on Craigs List? If you didnt think he had, you wouldnt be with him now.

 

There are no guarantees in love or in life. Yes you could walk away and say heal, on your own, and come to me whole and healed and "fixed". But are any of us every really that healed and fixed? And what is the barometer? We are not cars. We dont come with inspection tags. Only your gut and time and his actions will tell you what you need to know. And they seem to be telling you all the right things.

 

Could it go wrong in the future? Sure but so could a relationship with Mr Perfect Single Guy with no baggage. We are not children. We all have challenges and baggage in some form or other. The love is there you are learning how to communicate on difficult issues and you are enjoying each other out in the open. You are exactly where you need to be together right now.

 

I am very happy for you. Dont let your shadow side get you down.

[SerenityX2]

Could it go wrong in the future? Sure but so could a relationship with Mr Perfect Single Guy with no baggage. We are not children. We all have challenges and baggage in some form or other. The love is there you are learning how to communicate on difficult issues and you are enjoying each other out in the open. You are exactly where you need to be together right now.

 

I am very happy for you. Dont let your shadow side get you down.

 

Does such a person really exist? Seriously ...we do all have baggage but many of us don't cover that baggage with a layer of lies. Not to mention when she was afraid when he flipped out and called her names and almost wanted a PFA.

 

Sorry, but lies and name calling are dealbreakers in my book, perhaps they're not for others....that's what this forum is for, to provide different insight...we won't all agree, use what you can disgard the rest.

 

It took me 12 years after my D of bad dating and then finally aloneness to find myself. It was damn hard but the best thing I ever did. It took my husband 5 years before he would even date, he put his daughter 1st. It's been 8 since his D. Sometimes I see that people are too damn impatient and want to rush things instead of waiting for the good no matter the timeline. It's not just been me, it's been other's experiences too...that's how I know it's out there. If I just relied on my experience it would be pretty myopic of me.

 

I found I could be alone and be happy. It blew me away when I did actually meet and remarry someone that I clicked with so passionately but yet effortlessly. I just like to share that it can be out there.

 

A person is healed when they can stand on their own and not be afraid in life b/c one is never "left alone" there is always family or friends. When you don't need someone to complete you, but want someone to enhance you...that's when you're whole.

 

All I am saying is I hope he hasn't just swept what caused him to do this under the rug and feel it'll be different now b/c he found true love with Wildsoul. People need to heal it's just a fact.

 

There are enough supporters, but I truly don't like to see others get hurt.

 

ah well we must all stumble along the path and get cut up and bruised sometimes. Maybe some prefer it that way, seems more worth it or something I don't know.

 

Wildsoul I do wish you the best. I hope I didn't offend. I just wanted to offer different perspective.

[wildsoul]

Somehow you need to trust him and start fresh. If you let the past and the cheating stuff get in the way, your relationship isn't going to last. Even after he tried to reaffirm his committment to you, the faith and trust still isn't there.

I agree with you. Yet being in this particular forum, the standard advice is to watch the actions, not just listen to the words. Hence, I'm trying to balance between trusting and keeping my eyes open too. Tricky to do that without being suspicious. Mostly, I just keep praying for God to show me the truth and tell me what to do. That helps a lot.

[SerenityX2]

I agree with you. Yet being in this particular forum, the standard advice is to watch the actions, not just listen to the words. Hence, I'm trying to balance between trusting and keeping my eyes open too. Tricky to do that without being suspicious. Mostly, I just keep praying for God to show me the truth and tell me what to do. That helps a lot.

 

 

BEAUTIFUL! wildsoul...you do get it.

 

That's exactly what will show you. From experience the decisions will be surrounded by peace though...no kidding...when they're filled with angst that's how you know it's your free will kicking in, not God's.

 

Remember God never choreograph's with deception OR pain...ever.

 

Peace and Hugs.

[wildsoul]

There are no guarantees in love or in life. Yes you could walk away and say heal, on your own, and come to me whole and healed and "fixed". But are any of us every really that healed and fixed? And what is the barometer? We are not cars. We dont come with inspection tags. Only your gut and time and his actions will tell you what you need to know. And they seem to be telling you all the right things.

You are saying what my best friend said to me on Sunday.

 

We were talking about how all of are imperfect and it's unrealistic (and unloving) to expect a partner to have zero baggage. We briefly lamented how so much of the pop psychology media tells women to tolerate no b.s. with a zealous "you go girl!" attitude. Is that love? Keep in mind that both she and I are post-modern femininsts, NOT the bible belt stand-by-your-man at all costs type of girls. If anything, she and I suffer from being overly independant. To our circle of women, it's safer to be alone than to trust another person, especially a man.

 

Not sure if I'm making sense, but I'm trying to say that it's a good deal harder to accept a real man, with real baggage, and real life than it is to be single.

 

I was praying for God to speak to me that day. I asked for spirit to channel through clearly, to address my doubts and tell me what to do. Her wisdom of learning to accept a partner's baggage helped to ground me again. Yes, of course boundaries are HUGELY important, but so is acceptance.

 

Besides, at our age (early 40's) everyone has baggage! That's life.

[wildsoul]

BEAUTIFUL! wildsoul...you do get it.

 

That's exactly what will show you. From experience the decisions will be surrounded by peace though...no kidding...when they're filled with angst that's how you know it's your free will kicking in, not God's.

 

Remember God never choreograph's with deception OR pain...ever.

 

Peace and Hugs.

I mostly agree with you. Yet I would like to underline the point that while spirit might not choreograph with deception or pain, pain and suffering are part of the human condition. There seems to be truth that the more accepting we are of life, and the less grasping and contolling we are, the less pain we experience.

 

Yet I draw the line at inferring that if we are experiencing pain that our relationship is wrong, we are wrong, or are partner is wrong. It does not mean that we are off God's path either. Life changes. We change. God makes changes for us. Sometimes adjusting and growing is painful until we adapt to the new.

 

When in doubt, I do try to pray. In the example of last weekend, I could have interpretted my fears as either valid red-flags, or as fears to let go of. Honestly, it was a pickle. I am scared of being hurt. Were my fears intuition or F.E.A.R. false evidence appearing real? In the end, praying got me all calmed down.

 

==> And somehow, even in this, I think my reacting might also have served a purpose. My guy also needs to know how I get worried about this. The discussions might have been a bit tense, but I still think that only good can come out of having them. The ability to talk openly builds trust too.

[jj33]

I mostly agree with you. Yet I would like to underline the point that while spirit might not choreograph with deception or pain, pain and suffering are part of the human condition. There seems to be truth that the more accepting we are of life, and the less grasping and contolling we are, the less pain we experience.

 

Yet I draw the line at inferring that if we are experiencing pain that our relationship is wrong, we are wrong, or are partner is wrong. It does not mean that we are off God's path either. Life changes. We change. God makes changes for us. Sometimes adjusting and growing is painful until we adapt to the new.

 

When in doubt, I do try to pray. In the example of last weekend, I could have interpretted my fears as either valid red-flags, or as fears to let go of. Honestly, it was a pickle. I am scared of being hurt. Were my fears intuition or F.E.A.R. false evidence appearing real? In the end, praying got me all calmed down.

 

==> And somehow, even in this, I think my reacting might also have served a purpose. My guy also needs to know how I get worried about this. The discussions might have been a bit tense, but I still think that only good can come out of having them. The ability to talk openly builds trust too.

 

Couldnt agree with you more. And also probably why they say couples who never fight are most likely to be unhappy - fighting doesnt ahve to be ugly but can be civilized disagreements and discussions of tricky issues. The important stuff needs to be aired even if it is uncomfortable. That is how people and relationships grow.

[jj33]

You are saying what my best friend said to me on Sunday.

 

We were talking about how all of are imperfect and it's unrealistic (and unloving) to expect a partner to have zero baggage. We briefly lamented how so much of the pop psychology media tells women to tolerate no b.s. with a zealous "you go girl!" attitude. Is that love? Keep in mind that both she and I are post-modern femininsts, NOT the bible belt stand-by-your-man at all costs type of girls. If anything, she and I suffer from being overly independant. To our circle of women, it's safer to be alone than to trust another person, especially a man.

 

Not sure if I'm making sense, but I'm trying to say that it's a good deal harder to accept a real man, with real baggage, and real life than it is to be single.

 

Besides, at our age (early 40's) everyone has baggage! That's life.

 

And that is one big thing that keeps so many people single. the fear of accepting an imperfect partner into the world they are otherwise trying to make perfect for themselves.

 

I think in certain religions they say only God is perfect. Humbling. As you say real love is accepting someones weaknesses and challenges as well as their strengths.

[jj33]

I think the trick is to pick your baggage. Everyone has different triggers good and bad. What one person finds to be an acceptable imperfection will be a deal breaker for someone else. Without being too nostalgic that was one of the things that surprised me about MM. He was not perfect in so many many ways. But I found that his imperfections were not deal breakers. Didnt love them all but they were not as important as the things that I loved most about him.

[SerenityX2]

Wildsoul

 

Yes, I completely agree that pain is part of the human condition, part of what makes us grow. But I guess we must agree to disagree on the sources b/c I never have that within my marriage. Outside sources and life absolutely. But we are each other's unwavering rock to weather all else. We've had to learn fair fighting and all that other happy crap that I won't bore you with, but my point is we're always united even in an argument we have the security than neither is going anywhere, it's hard to explain though.

 

My mom recently passed away 1 month ago. So trust me when I say I know and feel human pain all too well right now. On top of getting the strength to stay with my last year of nursing school and figuring out where I want to go for my MSN. Anyway I'm sure you get the point.

 

I've heard people say you never get over the loss of your mom (lost my dad 5 years ago) and I believe that's true. I take comfort in that they're together now, and will have the best seats in the house to watch me graduate. I so wish they could see this though...it pains me, so Yes I do get pain. And I greatly believe in it's purpose, but I disagree that for ME it's what would make a r'ship or marriage stronger. Perhaps others have different experiences and that's what they must go through.

 

At times I need to put my grief on hold b/c I have too much to do. Couple Saturdays ago I needed to study for a big test and I had a stressful week back after the funeral so I didn't have time to grieve, however that Saturday I was sitting at my computer and spaced my log in and was locked out and I started to cry hysterically, that was the straw that opened the floodgates. My husband took my computer to Circuit City even though he had a billion things to do himself that day.

 

He does stuff like that. He's the one not only working but taking care of the house stuff so I can focus on studying to maintain my GPA. It's a tradeoff for 2 years that we agreed on and we're in the home stretch. He gives me massages, cooks, cleans my car from snow, even gases the damn thing for me. I also understand when you say he does stuff for you and you were used to doing stuff on your own. Me too, I could fix chimney flues and broken sinks...now I'm so pampered at times it's sickening. If you would have told me I not only have this but enjoy it, I would have said you were nuts b/c I couldn't stand to be smothered. For the first time I have PDA, not obnoxious and I am comfortable! That's how I know this is right for me...it's surrounded with peace.

 

 

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling...I understand now there's no getting back to normal, I must forge a new normal without her. My point is life, mine anyway is fraught with enough struggles and day to day stuff. I'm glad and blessed that my marriage is never a source of that, but rather my rock to lean on.

 

Your situation may be different I'm glad to hear your eyes are open and prayer is your strength...really I wish you the best.

[SerenityX2]

Couldnt agree with you more. And also probably why they say couples who never fight are most likely to be unhappy - fighting doesnt ahve to be ugly but can be civilized disagreements and discussions of tricky issues. The important stuff needs to be aired even if it is uncomfortable. That is how people and relationships grow.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. disagreements are part of it. But it doesn't need to be handled like 4th graders.

 

I admit I was really gun shy on that coming from an abusive exH. I don't like any sort of drama and was pretty drama free for those 12 years...'cept for the occassional dope I was dating. That was something we definitely had to navigate through. Mutual respect is what makes that work.

 

You should never be uncomfortable to talk about anything. That's just crazy if you have to play mind games and put on an act for peace. Communication is the foundation for trust.