Jump to content

Empathy for BS?


Recommended Posts

I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

 

That's not true of all us OP's....Im an OW, not proudly, but it is one thing that I am right now and , for lack of better words, can't be helped right now.

 

But anyway, I hold no ill will towards my MM's wife. I'm pretty sure she's a very nice woman, a great mom, and there's nothing inherently WRONG with HER, per say. There's definitely something wrong with the marriage if he's been hooking up with me for four years almost, but I do feel bad when I imagne the hurt she'd feel if she found out.

 

It's not as simple as people make it out to be. Every day I wake up and I think about him, and I get mad about this situation, and I vow to end things, and tell him off, and etc and as soon as he walks through the door or calls me or whatever, I forget about it all.

 

You can't help who you fall in love with. I've never held any ill will towards his wife, and I never will, not just for her being his W, at any rate. I don't think the problems in their M is either just his fault or just her fault. I think they don't belong together, but it isn't my job to give them marriage counseling.

 

The funny part is, their marriage is probably much happier nowadays because he gets the stress relief from me, and then gets to go home to the family and be the good husband and father.

 

So don't feel too bad, all you BS's out there. Nine times out of then, the MM or MW will choose to stay with you. Nine times out of ten, the only one left lonely in the wind is people like me, the OW or OM, so sit back and revel in our misery, I guess, if it makes you feel better.

 

I dont know anymore. Im tired....

Link to post
Share on other sites
I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

 

Who knows? maybe because very few people are capable of true empathy when the issue doesn't affect them directly. It's a fundamental human flaw. Wondering about the feelings of the BS would mean the OW/OM would have to be selfless, ignore their wants and desires and not even get into the affair in the first place. And what would then be the fun in that:p

 

We also have the capacity to practice selective hearing and tunnel vision and just generally stick to anything that supports our agenda.

 

Emotions, love, call it what you may is incredibly complex and will make you rationalize things you never believe you're capable of.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never talk against the W.. except when I see them in person (lol.. one of them has a horse face)... I don't know them personally.. and I don't really care about them..

 

Do I hurt them.. not at all.. I think I help them.. they don't like sex.. I do.. their H gets what they want and they're happy.. then they (W) gets him every night, every weekend.. every holidays.. so the H is a happy sexless husband (in most cases).

 

Do I feel guilty... not one bit.. I really don't have the feeling I'm hurting anyone.. (in my mind I'm helping them).. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never talk against the W.. except when I see them in person (lol.. one of them has a horse face)... I don't know them personally.. and I don't really care about them..

 

Do I hurt them.. not at all.. I think I help them.. they don't like sex.. I do.. their H gets what they want and they're happy.. then they (W) gets him every night, every weekend.. every holidays.. so the H is a happy sexless husband (in most cases).

 

Do I feel guilty... not one bit.. I really don't have the feeling I'm hurting anyone.. (in my mind I'm helping them).. ;)

 

HA! Lizzie, that made me laugh in a weird way, because i suspect you will get alot of sh*t for that post!

 

Its true in a way , if the W doesn't know about the A, she can't really be hurt, now can she. They do usually eventually find out, I think, but some take longer than others. But its true! H gets nooky, excitement, affection from the OW, and goes home to be the dutiful and great husband and father! Everyone's happy? Well, not everyone. Some OW's don't want the H, so theyre happy with a "friends with benefits" relationship.

 

I started this A thinking it would be just a fling, and I wouldnt care, but unfortunately, four years later, here I am again, deeply in love with someone Im pretty sure I can never have.

 

c'est la vie

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's not true of all us OP's....Im an OW, not proudly, but it is one thing that I am right now and , for lack of better words, can't be helped right now.

 

But anyway, I hold no ill will towards my MM's wife. I'm pretty sure she's a very nice woman, a great mom, and there's nothing inherently WRONG with HER, per say. There's definitely something wrong with the marriage if he's been hooking up with me for four years almost, but I do feel bad when I imagne the hurt she'd feel if she found out.

 

It's not as simple as people make it out to be. Every day I wake up and I think about him, and I get mad about this situation, and I vow to end things, and tell him off, and etc and as soon as he walks through the door or calls me or whatever, I forget about it all.

 

You can't help who you fall in love with. I've never held any ill will towards his wife, and I never will, not just for her being his W, at any rate. I don't think the problems in their M is either just his fault or just her fault. I think they don't belong together, but it isn't my job to give them marriage counseling.

 

The funny part is, their marriage is probably much happier nowadays because he gets the stress relief from me, and then gets to go home to the family and be the good husband and father.

 

So don't feel too bad, all you BS's out there. Nine times out of then, the MM or MW will choose to stay with you. Nine times out of ten, the only one left lonely in the wind is people like me, the OW or OM, so sit back and revel in our misery, I guess, if it makes you feel better.

 

I dont know anymore. Im tired....

 

 

Why should someone gloat in misery? Why should you be miserable, you didn't have to be in this for four years? Don't fool yourself about him being a good anything, husband or father. He isn't. And life is murky when you make it murky.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Who knows? maybe because very few people are capable of true empathy when the issue doesn't affect them directly. It's a fundamental human flaw. Wondering about the feelings of the BS would mean the OW/OM would have to be selfless, ignore their wants and desires and not even get into the affair in the first place. And what would then be the fun in that:p

 

We also have the capacity to practice selective hearing and tunnel vision and just generally stick to anything that supports our agenda.

 

Emotions, love, call it what you may is incredibly complex and will make you rationalize things you never believe you're capable of.

 

Yes, but, as your post indicates, you are aware of this self deception. And, I don't agree that it is a rare person that can feel emapthy for another's situation unless it directly affects him.

I have not figured this out yet. The OM in my wife's affair is not a monster, but I am pretty sure he is not very self reflective. Based on a conversation I had with him, he believed all the stuff my wife was feeding him about me and our marriage. I don't know how he could reconcile that with who I am, how my wife's family and my kids felt about me, and the way I've conducted my life.

Perhaps if I could get one message across to OP's it would be to really consider all the evidence before accepting things about someone that you do not know. And, to consider how you'd feel in that person's shoes.

I must confess that before I went through this, I probably had less of an understanding about the level of pain a BS goes through. So, my empathy was not as great. But, I did understand on some level, not as deep, that it sucks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reggie,

Hi. It is strange that you mention this today. I just found out that my exMM's step-son died this morning. I haven't spoken to my ex for over a year, but I feel so sad for him and his family. I really feel badly for his wife. All 3 of her sons are drug addicts and I am assuming that this son died of an overdose. I don't know for sure. The thing I want to say is that I have felt guilt over being with her husband. It was the first and last time I have ever been involved with someone who was married. I still love him, but I know his place is with his family-especially now. I am really praying for his wife-I know her heart is broken. I would never wish that pain on anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reggie-it's funny that you should post on this topic. I just finished writing on my last post that I am drowning in guilt over what I did to my xMM's W. I knew her-I know what I did was wrong-I know that she must be in a great deal of pain right now and knowing that I caused part of that pain is eating away at me from the inside out. I cannot change what I did, i can only move forward. I apologized to her, though I'm sure that doesn't even begin to make up for the betrayal that I was a part of. She will probably never forgive me...the only thing I can do is to try and work every day to forgive myself. Hopefully, in time, all parties involved can find their own personal peace.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HA! Lizzie, that made me laugh in a weird way, because i suspect you will get alot of sh*t for that post!

 

Its true in a way , if the W doesn't know about the A, she can't really be hurt, now can she. They do usually eventually find out, I think, but some take longer than others. But its true! H gets nooky, excitement, affection from the OW, and goes home to be the dutiful and great husband and father! Everyone's happy? Well, not everyone. Some OW's don't want the H, so theyre happy with a "friends with benefits" relationship.

 

I started this A thinking it would be just a fling, and I wouldnt care, but unfortunately, four years later, here I am again, deeply in love with someone Im pretty sure I can never have.

 

c'est la vie

 

A lot never finds out.. actually a large percentage (according to an author/therapist I saw on Oprah). I know that, except for one who caught us, none of the W ever found out and I'm quite positive they will never find out either..

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's not true of all us OP's....Im an OW, not proudly, but it is one thing that I am right now and , for lack of better words, can't be helped right now.

 

You can't help who you fall in love with. .

You know, I saw a sleek BMW the other day that I fell totally head over heels in love with. :love::love:

 

But the long term burden of having one would be too high a price to pay.:rolleyes:

 

So I walked away.

 

<<<<sigh>>>>

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I never talk against the W.. except when I see them in person (lol.. one of them has a horse face)... I don't know them personally.. and I don't really care about them..

 

Do I hurt them.. not at all.. I think I help them.. they don't like sex.. I do.. their H gets what they want and they're happy.. then they (W) gets him every night, every weekend.. every holidays.. so the H is a happy sexless husband (in most cases).

 

Do I feel guilty... not one bit.. I really don't have the feeling I'm hurting anyone.. (in my mind I'm helping them).. ;)

Yes, but Liz, do you know for a fact that the wife does not want sex? How could you unless you've inquired of her. See, that is what seems disingenous to me. The OP simply relies on what he or she is told about this area.

Even if the BS does not find out, there is damage to the relationship. resources and energy that could be devoted toward the family are spent on the affair.

Just seems pretty callous to me, as well as not making sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites
A lot never finds out.. actually a large percentage (according to an author/therapist I saw on Oprah). I know that, except for one who caught us, none of the W ever found out and I'm quite positive they will never find out either..

 

I found out about both within a year of each other....lucky me huh? UGH! (Also found out he had a hidden cocaine & speed addiction (6 months after we were married) Hep C six months after that from doing them, even left his kids & my daughter at his mom's house while he went & bought them while I was at work....But yet the OW in my case told me, "I just couldn't appreciate a good man.".....Ooooookaaaaaay! LOL! :laugh: (I felt like telling her, "Ya know what? I will when I find one!";)) Yup....she can have him!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was still having sex with him & putting all my paychecks in our account when I thought we were "working" on our marriage.....so I don't think the no sex thing applies in all cases... (Yeah.....I was a little (a lot!) naive!:sick:) Live n learn though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, but Liz, do you know for a fact that the wife does not want sex? How could you unless you've inquired of her. See, that is what seems disingenous to me. The OP simply relies on what he or she is told about this area.

Even if the BS does not find out, there is damage to the relationship. resources and energy that could be devoted toward the family are spent on the affair.

Just seems pretty callous to me, as well as not making sense.

 

I just know because they have no reason to lie to me.. I don't want them.. and they know that.. it's clear from the start.. plus we discuss their sex life.. etc... one of them is very satisfied with his W actually.. so they are 'honest' with me.. no reason not to be.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

 

 

Thats because they use the excuse that they have no responsibility to the BS. So its all good for the OM/OW and have a green light to hurt whoever they damn well please.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's not true of all us OP's....Im an OW, not proudly, but it is one thing that I am right now and , for lack of better words, can't be helped right now.

 

But anyway, I hold no ill will towards my MM's wife. I'm pretty sure she's a very nice woman, a great mom, and there's nothing inherently WRONG with HER, per say. There's definitely something wrong with the marriage if he's been hooking up with me for four years almost, but I do feel bad when I imagne the hurt she'd feel if she found out.

 

Hopefully she finds out soon. She deserves no less than the truth and the right to decide what to do with her life since her H doesn't have the guts to give her at least that much consideration.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You know, I saw a sleek BMW the other day that I fell totally head over heels in love with. :love::love:

 

But the long term burden of having one would be too high a price to pay.:rolleyes:

 

So I walked away.

 

<<<<sigh>>>>

 

Sunrise,

 

Sigh indeed! I get the message, truly.

 

I know you're trying to make an analogy, but it doesnt quite fit. See, I'll show you how it can be seen in a plethora of ways.

 

when I met my MM, I had plenty of attraction, sexual frustrations, and intense emotional connection layin' around, and for some reason, that was alot easier to give in to than somehow finding 60K to go buy a car. It wold seem that money, a tangible item, is much easier to hold in place than emotional currency.

 

Of course, I COULD just go for a test drive on the BMW, see what it's like, have a 20 minute fling with the road just to feel what that engine feels like, to feel the rush I'd get from driving that baby down the road, and thinking, well, I know there can't be anything long term cause I can't afford it, but I'll see what it feels like, just for a little while. Then, lo and behold, I didn't MEAN to, but I'm having so much fun on the test drive, that I crash the car by accident. Woops! They might have insurance, but there's also a good chance they'll just sue me for the money for the car instead, and maybe I'll even injure myself in the crash.

 

There are risks you take in everything you do. When I met MM, I thought I could have a brief fling, just to see what it would feel like. I NEVER thought it would go this far or this long, I NEVER thought in my life I'd be involved with a married guy, and one day I realize....i was enjoying him so much I didn't realize just how deep in i'd gotten. I crashed into that insane wreck called love, and now Im paying for it big time, even though it's hitting my emotional bank-account like you wouldn't believe. Me and him didn't just meet one day and decide to start this thing. We worked together, we liked each other for a long time, and one night after a few beers we kissed. That kiss, as many kisses have done over time for many people, opened a flood gate that neither of us expected.

 

It was on and off torment for nearly two years, then his son was born at around the same time his wife nearly found out about us, and he told me that she had told him they had alot they needed to discuss about their marriage, and I let it go. I let them alone, I didnt call him, didnt beg him to stay, nothing. A year later, we missed each other and found our way back to each other, platonically at first, and then full force physical again.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, i really dont. NC for over a year didn't work, and the only reason it lasted that long was because I was dating someone else that I really liked so I wasn't as tempted to call MM. Whenever I'm single, i find it near impossible not to call him.

 

We can all be on this board and throw out opinions and morals all we want, but at the end of the day, many situations are similiar, but no two are exactly alike, and we don't know what's going on, we can only speculate. I guess that's what these boards are for....but just please remember that saying people should just suck it up and ignore someone who they're madly in love with, cannot even be fathomably compared to ignoring the urge to go buy a 60 thousand dollar vehicle that they can't afford. That's all.

 

I really need to learn how to write more succint posts, they seem to go on and on! sorry! :-) Im sleep deprived....argh

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sunrise,

when I met my MM, I had plenty of attraction, sexual frustrations, and intense emotional connection layin' around, and for some reason, that was alot easier to give in to than somehow finding 60K to go buy a car.

 

It was on and off torment for nearly two years... I let them alone.....A year later, we missed each other and found our way back to each other, platonically at first, and then full force physical again.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, i really dont. NC for over a year didn't work, and the only reason it lasted that long was because I was dating someone else that I really liked so I wasn't as tempted to call MM. Whenever I'm single, i find it near impossible not to call him.

Do you see a pattern here?

 

At some point, you're going to have to put the breaks on on this A----PERMANENTLY! You've been running the red light on this MM for the last several years! No wonder you're sleep deprived.

 

So what you're saying is you're afraid to be alone? And the only way you won't be "tempted" to call the MM is that someone else must be the "filler".

 

What happened to that guy you really liked? How long did time lapse until you couldn't help yourself from calling the MM?

 

There are risks you take in everything you do. When I met MM, I thought I could have a brief fling, just to see what it would feel like.

Yes there are risks.

 

By your statement alone, this speaks volume. You saw the MM as a source of outlet to feed a need. The same emotional void needed filling during your NC with the MM. The guy you liked filled a need.

 

At some point during the one year of NC, you also had the "opportunity" to reasess that A, who you are, where you are, and determine some measure of what you wanted for yourself, the sort of relationship you wanted and any lessons learned from the A. But it appears you haven't because it seems you didn't give yourself the time.

 

So no matter what car we fall in love with, test driving is the easy part. It's what comes later is the hardest. And that's the emotional part.

 

Here's another reality check for you. No test drive needed. You've already had 2 years plus of test driving. Take notice of this pattern. For a lack of a better term, you seem "emotionally high maintenance". You seem in a constant need of being "loved" or needing to be loved. Figure out why.

 

You know what happens to a person who tries out drugs just to see how it would feel like? They get hooked. Then they become addicts. Pretty soon, their lives are out of control.

 

My only advice is take time for yourself. In any NC, that's part of the test drive----time for yourself. If you do, you may not be so quick to jump into a car and let it take you for another joy but rough ride. But, guess what? Who is in the driver seat? The Affair? The MM? Or YOU?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

Back to the real topic of WHY?

 

IMO, it boils down to the state of mind and self-worth of OPs and MPs and lack of skills to resolve coflicts in R or M.

 

On the extreme, psychologists term individual void of empathy as having a Narcisstic Personality Disorder.

 

People engaged in A often claim they never expected, that it just happened. The process of the A in its early stages have been compared to having a drug addiction.

 

When in A, the narcisstic personality emerges where they show no empathy for anyone but themselves. The constant need of getting their fix (sex, text, phone calls, emails, etc) takes priority over family and children. Some are even willing to compromise or risk their jobs and reputation.

 

As the drug or A wears off and reality sets in (A is discovered/confessed by/to BS) the fix required for OPs and MPs' A to be maintained become slowly controlled and minimized due to outside influence. In some instances, a sudden sprinkle of dust of soul searching injects their conscience. Like detoxing a drug addict, NC is the medicine of choice.

 

Then the "withdrawal" kicks in and all hell breaks lose. The state of minds of both OPs and MPs are torn apart and so are the lives of those they've affected. For some, remorse sets in. Others live in denial. Some survive. Some become better individuals, partners and spouses. While others become emotionally unrepairable. For them, relapses can kick in at anytime. Like drug addicts who won't get help or willing to kick the habit, the cycle of A starts all over again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hopefully she finds out soon. She deserves no less than the truth and the right to decide what to do with her life since her H doesn't have the guts to give her at least that much consideration.

 

With all due respect....she's found out enough clues, twice, to make any woman with a semblance of intelligence know that her husband was up to no good with some other woman. the last time she chose to respond by demanding to know what was going on, and when he swore that there was nothing going on, and I also sent her an email telling her nothing was going on, she chose to believe it and stay with him and have more kids with him. She chooses to be in denial, that isn't my fault. I stayed away from him for a year after that to give them time to work things out, and obviously one or both of them didn't bother trying to work things out because back he is with me, and I know he hasn't been with anyone else but me and her in 7 years, because me and him have a mutual friend that he tells absolutely everything to.

 

I dont understand this insistence that some people have that the BS should automatically be notified of an affair. I know that when you are on the outside of a situation, or looking back retrospectively on yourself as a BS, you might be feeling bitter for being betrayed, but can you honestly say that someone is better off knowing everything? I'd have to disagree, pending a case by case basis.

 

If someone intends to cheat on someone for the entire duration of their marriage, then perhaps the BS should know so they can make their own decision to leave. But I do honestly believe that in cases where it is a temporary thing, or even a one time fling, admitting this to the BS does nothing but assuage the guilt of the MM or MW, because now everything is "off their chest" and they technically aren't holding onto a secret anymore. But all it does is make the BS feel betrayed, and in many cases never able to trust the MM/MW person again. Trust takes years and lifetimes to build, but only two seconds to destroy, sometimes forever. What's worse: to know your spouse cheated on you once/for a brief period and to spend the rest of your life in anxiety and depression, always wondering if they are doing it again everytime they get home late from the office,or get stuck in traffic , or go out with a friend, everytime they are away or late coming home that day you'll be wondering "are they with a OW/OM again?" that's an awful way to live. I think , in certain cases when its a temporary A, at least, that the BS is better off not knowing. Disagree all you want, but ignorance is bliss to the person that is in ignorance. It doesn't seem like bliss to you when you are morally contemplating the situation, but if you were the BS and you never knew it, you couldn't really have it ruin your life. On the other hand, if you found out about, it COULD ruin your life. You can't be depressed or upset about something that you don't know ever existed. So, if a person cheats for the duration of the marriage, i guarantee you that the BS will find out on his or her own regardless of whether their spouse tells them anything, and if it's a brief or one time fling, they are honeslty better off not knowing. Just my humble opinion, of course.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you see a pattern here?

 

At some point, you're going to have to put the breaks on on this A----PERMANENTLY! You've been running the red light on this MM for the last several years! No wonder you're sleep deprived.

 

So what you're saying is you're afraid to be alone? And the only way you won't be "tempted" to call the MM is that someone else must be the "filler".

 

What happened to that guy you really liked? How long did time lapse until you couldn't help yourself from calling the MM?

 

Well, Im not saying Im afraid to be alone, not consciously anyway. It's just been easier for me to resist calling MM when I've had someone else to interest me.

 

That guy I really liked lived in England, and we tried the long distance thing for nearly a year flying back and forth until he got fed up with not having someone closer to him, understandably I guess, and he broke up with me. I was quite upset, cried alot, etc etc. Didn't take long until I gave in to temptation to call MM.

 

I was feeling rather lonely and upset, and I called him to talk. I can't remember why anymore to be honest, but I remember telling him if we saw each other , we'd have to be platonic because I missed him as a friend and didn't want to risk him getting some guilt trip and cutting me off again, and he had agreed that we'd just be friends. I even suggested we only meet up in public places to resist the temptation of anything happening. So we met up for lunch, I even told him about the guy in England, asked his advice on what I shoudl do about it, told him how much I liked this other guy, etc. Eventually MM started stopping by my apartment to "say hi" because I literally live two blocks away from one of the offices he works at, and eventually being alone together the temptation became too strong.

 

If I stay in this A right now, I suppose I can't really blame him too much. He doesn't make false promises to me that he's going to leave his W and kids and get a D, or rave about how he's madly in love with me, and I tell him I'll never ask him to change his life for me, and I don't tell him how much Im in love with him. On the opposite, I act like I don't care much and I tell him about dates I go on and make comments like "so, are you going to be upset when I get rid of you one day?". He's always been horrible about expressing his emotions, but he's made it clear he cares about me, but that he doesn't say anything about the extent of his feelings the same reason I have never told him I am in love with him- because it won't change anything, and it's mor difficult to deal with such strong emotions being put out in the open when you can't do anything about them. So we both torture each other by continuing to see each other, and bury our frustrations about not being able to do anything about our feelings by having lots and lots of sex. Hey....that's definitely an outlet for people in many ways- for anger, for love, for frustration, you name it. The more frustrated and emotionally tortured we get in this A, the more ridiculously intense and good the sex gets. Makes it kind of hard to give it up just that much more :)

 

Hell, I have a date tonight with some guy that seems perfectly normal and nice, albeit he lives in St Louis and I live in NY, but hey, at least he's single right! *sigh*

Link to post
Share on other sites
I admit, I have not read all the threads here. But, the ones that I have read seem to be devoid of the OM/OW showing any empathy for their contribution in hurting the unsuspecting betrayed spouse.

I also see many OP's characterizing the BS or the WS's marriage as involving either an abusive or extremely deficient BS. Yet, the source of information for this characterization is , most times, second hand, coming from the WS, a pesron that has shown a great capacity for dishonesty.

I'm struck bu the naivety(sp?) of OP's that simply accept the information from the Ws as true. I am also struck by the focus merely on the OP's discomfort and turmoil without remorse for having hurt the BS and kids if there are any.

Why is that?

 

In my case, the information on the BS being "abusive and extremely deficient" cam from everyone except the WS. And since I've been living with MM, all evidence corroborates this. MM, nontheless, continues to treat her with respect and generosity - despite advice from lawyers, financial advisors, etc, who advocate fairness and equity. He wants to go far beyond that, because of the kind of person he is.

 

Do I have empathy for her? No. I pity her in the way one pities a tramp lying drunk in a gutter, but I have no respect for her as an equal or a decent human being - because she has yet to demonstrate that capacity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
With all due respect....she's found out enough clues, twice, to make any woman with a semblance of intelligence know that her husband was up to no good with some other woman. the last time she chose to respond by demanding to know what was going on, and when he swore that there was nothing going on, and I also sent her an email telling her nothing was going on, she chose to believe it and stay with him and have more kids with him. She chooses to be in denial, that isn't my fault. I stayed away from him for a year after that to give them time to work things out, and obviously one or both of them didn't bother trying to work things out because back he is with me, and I know he hasn't been with anyone else but me and her in 7 years, because me and him have a mutual friend that he tells absolutely everything to.

 

 

Blah blah blah Just another way of assuaging your guilt. She's stupid. She should know. She is in denial. NO she faced this head on and asked her husband. She wanted the truth and you both lied right to her and then continued on your way. This woman is wasting the best years of her life wondering what is wrong. Why her husband is distant and she can not figure it out. YOU lied directly to her about what you were doing with her husband yet she is stupid???? Maybe she trusts her husband because he is so loving and treats her so well and sex is frequent that she wouldn't imagine he would go outside the marriage. Maybe she thinks you are an upstanding citizen with some shred of decency that wouldn't lie to her when asked directly if something was going on. Maybe she thought you had some sense of moral right and wrong and some spark of compassion for a fellow woman.

 

She's in denial????? No you are in denial. He is married. When faced with a confrontation with his wife and the opportunity to be honest and say he loves you he chose HIS WIFE. He chose to lie about you and his feelings for you. You are in denial. Your boyfriend goes home to another woman every night and YOU are aware of this, his wife IS NOT because of your lies. What really makes me sick is he started a FAMILY while in an affair with you. Now this woman is stuck with this cheating slime in her life for the rest of their life because they have children together. Such a shame she didn't learn what the real man her husband is was doing behind her back before they chose to have a family. Talk about affecting the destiny of someones life with no say so from them. :sick:

 

Grow a concious and tell her so she can find someone who will really love her and her family not someone giving half his heart.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blah blah blah Just another way of assuaging your guilt. She's stupid. She should know. She is in denial. NO she faced this head on and asked her husband. She wanted the truth and you both lied right to her and then continued on your way. This woman is wasting the best years of her life wondering what is wrong. Why her husband is distant and she can not figure it out. YOU lied directly to her about what you were doing with her husband yet she is stupid???? Maybe she trusts her husband because he is so loving and treats her so well and sex is frequent that she wouldn't imagine he would go outside the marriage. Maybe she thinks you are an upstanding citizen with some shred of decency that wouldn't lie to her when asked directly if something was going on. Maybe she thought you had some sense of moral right and wrong and some spark of compassion for a fellow woman.

 

She's in denial????? No you are in denial. He is married. When faced with a confrontation with his wife and the opportunity to be honest and say he loves you he chose HIS WIFE. He chose to lie about you and his feelings for you. You are in denial. Your boyfriend goes home to another woman every night and YOU are aware of this, his wife IS NOT because of your lies. What really makes me sick is he started a FAMILY while in an affair with you. Now this woman is stuck with this cheating slime in her life for the rest of their life because they have children together. Such a shame she didn't learn what the real man her husband is was doing behind her back before they chose to have a family. Talk about affecting the destiny of someones life with no say so from them. :sick:

 

Grow a concious and tell her so she can find someone who will really love her and her family not someone giving half his heart.

 

*sigh*

 

It's a very lonely life to go through it so angrily and never forgiving anyone, isn't it?

 

Obviously someone betrayed you at some point, but that's no reason to start yelling. I'm not sleeping with your husband, so don't take it so personally. MM's the one with the obligations here, not me. I'm single, I'm allowed to see whomever I want. It isn't my job to play adultery police. If I was saying I was trying to steal him away and asking him to leave her that's one thing, but I've never done that, and never intend to.

 

I didn't say she was stupid, I said she is in denial because of the very fact that I know she is NOT stupid and she KNOWS he lied to her and she continued to stay with him.

 

They had a son before I met him so I suspect already having a family made being in denial much easier for her because she didn't want to break it up. They added on one kid more shortly after I met him. I had NOT begun sleeping with him at that point. The third child was conceived during the year that I made no contact with him.

 

I chose to help him lie to her by telling her nothing was going on, because I never intend to ask him to leave her to be with me, so I see no point in upsetting her by throwing it in her face. he's not my boyfriend, I don't consider him as such, and I hope one day I meet someone else I care for as much as I do about him, but I assure you I have no intention of taking him away from her. If he ever leaves her, which I strongly doubt he will while his kids are young, then he's doing it because he wants to, not because I'm asking him to.

 

i just haven't quite mustered the strength to get rid of someone that I do love quite a bit, and if you could get past what is obviously some bitterness on your own situation, you would understand that not all OW's are bad people and we aren't all trying to steal your husbands or wives away. It's a bad situation that I'm having alot of difficulty getting out of for many reasons that I won't get into because I already know from the tone of your posting that you don't care what I have to say, so Im not sure why I'm even writing this except to perhaps explain it to other people reading. I tried for over a year to go NC with him and it didn't work. Me and him don't discuss the depth of our feelings because I've told him there's no point to torture each other further by saying "I love you" because those three words mean alot and we can't do anything about them, so I dont want to hear them from him and I wont say it to him, therefor there's no point to say them. We're badly enough ingrained in this mess as it is.

 

You think I LIKE this situation? You think I enjoy watching a man I love go live out his happy family life with someone else? You think I intended to be in this miserable mess?

 

Think again. There is no one person at fault here. I don't know whats wrong in their marriage, but obviously something is missing and its both his and her fault. It takes two to make a marriage work, and if one is being distant, and the other is uninterested in finding out why, then the blame lies with both for different reasons. I could have said no to his kiss that fateful night four years ago, but I didn't, and you know what? It isn't all my bloody fault either. I'm not some divine temptress who is irresistible to all men as much as that is a flattering notion. I left them alone for over a bloody year and he came back, and you know what? I let him because when you are in love with someone it isn't some easy choice to just tell them to f**k off, especially after spending a year thinking about them every day, missing them more every day.

 

So everyone has a part in A's- the MM, the OW, the BS. Everyone has a choice to stay or go, and apparently in this situation, everyone, including the BS, has decided to stay for now despite having very good indicators that something is up.

 

So give me all the sarcastic bull you can throw my way, it's fine, i expect alot of people will agree with you but frankly it's irrelevant because as little as I know about the problems with my MM's marriage and as little as I know how to deal with the emotions swimming through my mind, you know even less about what is going on with both, so if iit makes you feel better about your own situation to berate me, have fun with it.

 

Have a nice day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...