So Much Has Changed

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi Again,

 

It's been a little while..... I have been lurking around reading posts.

Was just after some thoughts.... MM has changed so much in the past few months...at one stage because of the way he was treating me I thought I could walk away (details in past threads).

Things have changed so much since I told him no more of this treatment and things are going good between us....but today we had a discussion....he said that he feels like he is caught between 2 people he loves....me and his son.

 

His W, is going to make it almost impossible for him to see his child if he leaves. She has told him this. And to a degree, although it may be wrong to use the child like this, I can understand totally why she would do this - out of desperation to save the M. We have both seen other couples go through nightmares in custody battles so I guess this really scares him.

 

But he says without me he will be unhappy and be in a loveless M but not being able to see his son when he can will also make him unhappy if he leaves. He says he feels confused - his hope is for the M to end and she let's him see his child when he wants and start a life with me. I know deep down inside - this will never happen the way he wants.... and it's not up to me to make him realise this..... I'm trying to find a way to stop this.....all this pain that we have both caused. The problem is, I love this man deeply. I see him so much and spend so much time with him. Everyday. His W suspects something is up. What a mess this is and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to let go....

 

My councellor says to set myself an ultimatum....not one for him but myself.....plan it, think about it and stick to it.

 

Any thoughts much appreciated.....

[whichwayisup]

Don't make him choose between you and his kid.

 

If you back off and leave him alone, maybe he can salvage what's left of his marriage, do counselling with his wife, and atleast try to make things better between them. With you in his life, he has no chance whatsoever of even trying to fix things in his marriage.

 

Unless he's a crappy father in general, I highly doubt the courts will give her full custody and not allow him visitation. If anything, they'll have joint custody, and she'll have no say if it goes to court to be settled.

 

Put yourself in his wife's shoes though. Understand why she is hurt, betrayed and won't let go. Is it wrong of her to use her child like this? Yes it is, but can you understand WHY she is trying to keep her family together under one roof?

 

Another thing to think about it, he won't leave her because HE doesn't want to be the bad guy in all this. He doesn't want to face not only the fact he won't be seeing his child every day, but also he doesn't want to deal with the fallout. Loss of respect from some friends and family. He wants his wife to kick him out - All so HE won't have to make that choice.

 

This situation is a mess, for everyone. Though right now you still DO have a choice to either end it and walk away or stay with him. If you stay, your life will be in limbo like it is now for a long time.

[greengoddess]

I'm a little confused. She only suspects about you and yet she told her husband she will make it impossible to see his son?

 

I'm sorry I know it is hard but I think he is lying to you. He cares about you, doesn't want to hurt or lose you but he is not ready to leave his family yet. You know she can't keep his son from him. You know that. Don't let him play you for stupid please. Leave him. He will come find you when he is ready and hopefully it will be too late and you will be madly in love with someone else who is free to love you.

[jj33]

She cant stop him from seeing his son but she could make dealing with her and custody issues very unpleasant and could use the child as a pawn.

 

You are getting good advice here Crystal. He may not know it, but he needs distance to figure out the situation. Time to be in his M without you to see if its salvagable or if it is so bad that he is ready to leave despite the custody issues.

 

And you need the distance. Because as hard as it is to step back you dont want to find youself in the same position 2 years from now waiting and hoping something will change.

 

Hang in there.

[GreenEyedLady]

He's pulling what he thinks is his trump card-his child.

 

We all know that we should not expect someone to put us above their child, right? So you're supposed to suck it up and accept things the way the are.

 

NOT!

 

I think you need to do NC for you. This is just an excuse. You deserve better. He knows full well she can't stop him from seeing his son. He'll just have limitations. He might even end up seeing his son more.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with GEL. He is pulling at your heartstrings concerning his child.

 

Supposed he would have said the other person is his W and not his child. Would you be here agonizing as much?

 

I happen to think that divorce makes men better fathers and gives mothers a break when the custody is done right. Heck, I have joking told my H just that sometimes when I really need some time without the kids.

 

He's giving you half of the conversation with his W. Consider what I said above. When my H was in his EA and I wasn't aware of it, we discussed divorcing and splitting of assets and time with the kids. It wasn't that we wanted it. We were just talking about it, not planning. He gave a much editted version of that conversation to his OW. He told her.....wait for it.....that we had spoken about getting a divorce. So what did she hear? She heard him say that he was now working on getting a divorce because we had "spoken" about it.

 

I wouldn't advice giving him advice on getting around her limitations, but offer him suggestions and see how he responds. If he gets angry about your advice or intrusion into his family life and how they may handle their child, he's lying.

[crystal_lostheart]

Don't make him choose between you and his kid.

 

Put yourself in his wife's shoes though. Understand why she is hurt, betrayed and won't let go. Is it wrong of her to use her child like this? Yes it is, but can you understand WHY she is trying to keep her family together under one roof?

 

I understand fully why she would do this......

 

Another thing to think about it, he won't leave her because HE doesn't want to be the bad guy in all this. He doesn't want to face not only the fact he won't be seeing his child every day, but also he doesn't want to deal with the fallout. Loss of respect from some friends and family. He wants his wife to kick him out - All so HE won't have to make that choice.

 

You are so right.... he doesn't want to wear the blame in any of this and to me that's selfish....if he wants a D then start the ball rolling and dont try and make her look like the bad person when clearly she doesn't want a D. I left my H because I knew we couldn't save our M although we tried. I did look like a bad person to his family because I hurt their son and yes it made me feel terrible guilt but I couldn't offer him a life of happiness that he deserves. MM doesn't see it this way in his situation.

This situation is a mess, for everyone. Though right now you still DO have a choice to either end it and walk away or stay with him. If you stay, your life will be in limbo like it is now for a long time.

 

What do I say to walk away? This is the hard part. He gets so upset when i try this....like I'm giving up on us???? He believes 'we' are working towards something together. "Let's get properties settled first - let's make this as peaceful as possible before we do anything"

I just look at this and think it's all rubbish and lame excuses for him to 'stay little longer' and think about things. Could I be wrong though???? Somehow I don't think so.....but I can never be sure

[GreenEyedLady]

What do I say to walk away? This is the hard part. He gets so upset when i try this....like I'm giving up on us???? I just look at this and think it's all rubbish and lame excuses for him to 'stay little longer' and think about things. Could I be wrong though???? Somehow I don't think so.....but I can never be sure

 

You just tell him you can't do it anymore...You're not giving up on anything...He's the one who isn't "giving" anything...

 

Take your power back...You are the one with all the say here...

[2sunny]

Hi Again,

 

It's been a little while..... I have been lurking around reading posts.

Was just after some thoughts.... MM has changed so much in the past few months...at one stage because of the way he was treating me I thought I could walk away (details in past threads).

Things have changed so much since I told him no more of this treatment and things are going good between us....but today we had a discussion....he said that he feels like he is caught between 2 people he loves....me and his son.

 

His W, is going to make it almost impossible for him to see his child if he leaves. She has told him this. And to a degree, although it may be wrong to use the child like this, I can understand totally why she would do this - out of desperation to save the M. We have both seen other couples go through nightmares in custody battles so I guess this really scares him.

 

But he says without me he will be unhappy and be in a loveless M but not being able to see his son when he can will also make him unhappy if he leaves. He says he feels confused - his hope is for the M to end and she let's him see his child when he wants and start a life with me. I know deep down inside - this will never happen the way he wants.... and it's not up to me to make him realise this..... I'm trying to find a way to stop this.....all this pain that we have both caused. The problem is, I love this man deeply. I see him so much and spend so much time with him. Everyday. His W suspects something is up. What a mess this is and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to let go....

 

My councellor says to set myself an ultimatum....not one for him but myself.....plan it, think about it and stick to it.

 

Any thoughts much appreciated.....

 

his W told him this? that's a lie... he never discussed anything with her... i would bet money she thinks their M is perfect and fine.

 

unless you speak to her directly - don't believe one thing he tells you.

 

the rest of your story is all about him. his wants, his needs, his timeline, his plans.... on and on.

 

what about YOU? have you forgotten what is in YOUR best interest? just wondering.

 

he's only squirming because you have put more pressure on him to leave the M. he will continue to lie more to keep you where he wants you... and his W right where she is as well.

 

so, if you like it this way - stay... if you don't - leave. simple as that.

 

YOU have a choice.

[joybean72]

It's not your job to make him "grow some" & BTW...his wife will learn that it's not her call either...the courts will decide regardless. Unless she can prove an unfit parent its 50/50...80/20 at best! He should be up front...as hard as it is. JMO.