sigh Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I'm on Day 8 of NC with xMM. I know I have to do it and plan on sticking to it no matter how hard it gets. He is respecting my wishes. He said he would because he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't feel that we can go back to being platonic friends. If I was still putting out, things would have remained the same I'm sure. Do you think this means that it was all just for sex with him? That's why NC is so easy for him to maintain? I know it really shouldn't matter at this point, it just makes it hurt more to think that I was just a blow up doll with a voice and the friendship was a joke. Thank you for reading Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Its so easy to beat yourself up like that but that is not the case. He told you he wants you to be happy. By not breaking NC he is respecting you. Coming back and offering you nothing more than an A is disrespectful when he knows you want to end the affair. He is being honest. He is attracted to you. And how many ex boyfriends are you good friends with? Its even less likely with an A unless you have some other reason to be in contact like work or something. Once the affair is over you no longer share the stolen moments. You no longer have an appropriate outlet for the emotoins. And you still dont have a basis to have a friendship out in the open. If you tell each other you miss each other etc then it can lead back to the A. It doesnt mean he doesnt care. I am sure he misses you. Its just that he has nothing to offer you but more stolen moments and he respects you and cares about you enough to want you to find happiness with someone who can offer you more. Its not uncommon to hear people say that they think about the OW/OM years after the A and wonder what they are doing and how they are - just like you would a boyfriend with whom you shared something special. You know in your heart what you shared. Some people get over the A by believing it was horrible and a total mistake and in some cases it was. Some people find it easier to hold onto the good moments and say we shared something special it was a learning experience but it wasnt meant to be. And if I dont move on I will be stuck. So I will tuck the good memories away but I wont go back. You have to do what works for you. Process the anger and the hurt at yourself and at him. It may not come to the surface right away but it will. But dont for a minute believe he isnt contacting you because it is so easy. If you read some of the threads on the infidelity board you will see that some of the MMs struggled alot. They stuck with NC because they wanted to save their marriages but it didnt mean they didnt yearn to contact the OW. I know its rough but hang in there.You are doing great. And DONT contact him. He knows you miss him. He knows you love him. But if you are serious about moving past it, you need the distance it can take awhile. Some people say right I am going to jump back into my life I am not going to let this man drag me down. Others take awhile. It took awhile for me. I hope it doesnt take you long and that you are feeling more confident and settled very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
crystal_lostheart Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Nobody has the right to make you feel less of a person. You are worth so much more and I'm sure in time you will realise this. This is my hope for myself as well. Why we put ourselves through this is just crazy...but we do and have. Keep up the NC and give yourself time to heal. You're doing this for you remember.....Take care and all the best Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I'm on Day 8 of NC with xMM. I know I have to do it and plan on sticking to it no matter how hard it gets. He is respecting my wishes. He said he would because he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't feel that we can go back to being platonic friends. If I was still putting out, things would have remained the same I'm sure. Do you think this means that it was all just for sex with him? That's why NC is so easy for him to maintain? I know it really shouldn't matter at this point, it just makes it hurt more to think that I was just a blow up doll with a voice and the friendship was a joke. Thank you for reading It's only been 8 days. Give it time. His ego is probably hurt. It's never just about sex. It's a blend of sex and validation and virility. And it is also about friendship and sometimes even love. Don't think about him. Keep really busy and don't dwell on being NC. Go out and live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sigh Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 I have just learned that being called for phone sex is worse then NC. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I have just learned that being called for phone sex is worse then NC. Do you mean he broke NC by calling for phone sex? If so I am so so sorry. If anything that may make your resolve stronger. Block his number block his email. Cut off all contact. But dont beat yourself up. Sometimes people do that because they want to make contact. However regardless of the reason its a terribly disrepectul and demeaning way to break NC. Cut him off. Entirely. You will feel better. Big hugs Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I have just learned that being called for phone sex is worse then NC. Ugh. Very typical, btw. My guy sent me a horny email after I had broken up with him before. I was so angry and offended. It did make the case for why I needed to go NC though. Try not to take it too personally. It's less a statement about you than it is about him. Simply proceed as you were with your NC plan. Good time to decide what you want to do about his phone calls, too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I have just learned that being called for phone sex is worse then NC. Unfortunately he IS NOT respecting your wishes for NC. Do you think this means that it was all just for sex with him? That's why NC is so easy for him to maintain? Seems like it is. Block his number, if possible. And his email as well. He isn't thinking of you and your needs, he's thinking of HIMSELF, hense the phone sex. How is that respectful? Yuck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sigh Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 It just makes me want to stick to NC more. Does give a beating to a girl's self esteem though to think that he only ever saw me as a sexual being. Not a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Oh sweetie it has nothing to do with how he feels about you and everything to do with his being selfish. xMM does the same sort of thing. And its annoying but its about them not us. His latest the other day was why do you still have a sexual hold on me? Sorry I am not so talented that more than a year later I have any "hold" on him. Its a lame excuse to check the temperature and see if it is safe to go back in the water. They are acting like children. Dont let it get you down. From your point of view if he is going to break it, it should be to tell you that he misses you madly and is making changes in his life. Not that he is horny. But that is not his MO. Its what they do. Now it doesnt bother me anymore when he says these things because I just think hes being childish. But it used to get under my skin. A lot. The good news is it is making you stick to your resolve. Big hugs Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Late to this and sorry to read about new developments... Upon reading the OP, I will opine that I knew this was going to be difficult when I read the following : He said he would because he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't feel that we can go back to being platonic friends. So canned I could put some whipped cream and a cherry on top and eat it He told you enough of what you wanted to hear to make you feel good and yet left himself an opening to rationalize his now demonstrated behavior. This one is very good You won't like my honest opinion but I think he already has someone else in his mixer....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sigh Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 I thought that as well, but I'm pretty sure there is no one else....YET. I think he is just mean and played me like a fiddle for a long time. Do I think he's looking for someone else, probably. Whether it is someone else or not, doesn't change the fact that he thinks so low of me that he thought I would be OK re opening the door to him on that. I'm sure that's every little girl's dream, to fall in love with a MM and him use them like customized porn . The Prince Charming thing is a closely following second Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 IMO, the silver lining here is the enlightenment you've received from this experience. You can, in the future, meet a man you are attracted to, and, if, upon finding out he's married or otherwise committed, then acknowledge the attraction but take the steps you're learning now to avoid emotional/sexual entanglements. Link to post Share on other sites
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