Jump to content

Is he throwing toys?


Recommended Posts

Greetings and salutations....

 

Would like to share with you the IM conversation I had with him today.

 

To bring you quickly up to speed on my situ... the PA started 6/7 months ago - we have been really good friends for a while.

 

We've called it off three times. (for the record, he's not married, he is engaged with a live-in partner of 5 years - I don't know her). We haven't been intimate in about 5 weeks (not through his lack of trying).

 

Its tough going (we work together) - and so for this past week, in an effort to actually DO some work without him in my face, I have been working from home (we are in IT - so working from home is a valid option)

 

This was this afternoons little exchange after I received a text "booking" me for lunch.

 

*********************

Me [16:43] thanks for the text - but yeah, probably not

[16:43] not for a while

[16:43]:is that cool?

 

Him [16:43]:no its not cool

[16:43]:ur coming out for lunch with me whether u like it or not...

 

Me[16:43]:i need space

[16:43]:seriously

[16:44]:lunch is off

[16:44]:we'll have lunch another day

[16:44]:im sorry

 

Him [16:45] please just think about it...i wont remove it from my calendar...was serious - have really really missed you and want to go out just me n u..b4 all this we used to have such a great time in each other's company - remember just the 2 of us playin pool ...pls

[16:45]:cos u have missed the point a little

 

Me [16:46]:i havent missed any point. we have to stop this.

[16:46]:please, try and understand. just need some space and some time

 

Him [16:53]:its not my choice to make - doesnt matter what i think..bye.

 

***********

 

Now.... is he just trying to hang on to our friendship (which i would understand) - or is he trying to manipulate me into re-engaging our little affair?

 

The last line he sent really pissed me off. And now I sit here feeling guilty for shunning a friend.

 

Grrrr

Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously he's trying to manipulate you back into his bed...and nothing more.

 

This is going to keep happening for as long as you maintain the "friendship".

 

You've heard it before..."you can't go back"...and now you're seeing why.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TogetherForever

BlueBerry,

I think he's trying to get you back into the affair.

He's pissed now cause you turned him down for lunch.

He's mad but he'll get glad again.

 

Don't feel guilty.

 

TF

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's working on you.

 

If he was truly your friend he would understand and not force the issue, let alone, he would be giving you the space you need and are asking for. HE IS ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF.

 

Tell him, "you have a fiance, go have lunch with her. Go play pool with her. I am NOT that person anymore, so stop asking and leave me alone. We cannot be friends anymore, this is just how it has to be. Accept it and leave me alone."

Link to post
Share on other sites
he's working on you.

 

If he was truly your friend he would understand and not force the issue, let alone, he would be giving you the space you need and are asking for. He is only thinking of himself.

 

Tell him, "you have a fiance, go have lunch with her. Go play pool with her. I am not that person anymore, so stop asking and leave me alone. We cannot be friends anymore, this is just how it has to be. Accept it and leave me alone."

 

excellent advice!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You've heard it before..."you can't go back"...and now you're seeing why.

 

 

That I am Owl, that I am.

 

Just very sad to sacrifice a friendship.

 

What a waste of a good thing. I have many platonic male friends - just wish he could have been one of them.

 

Thx

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Tell him, "you have a fiance, go have lunch with her. Go play pool with her. I am NOT that person anymore, so stop asking and leave me alone. We cannot be friends anymore, this is just how it has to be. Accept it and leave me alone."

 

 

Ouch. Could never say that to him. Maybe a toned down version?

 

I'm not pissed at him or angry with him - I truly believe he didn't go out looking for this affair to happen. We're just two people that got along and it got out of hand.

 

I *really* don't want to lose him (as a friend) but it's looking more and more likely that it has to be that way.

 

For the want of a nail, the kingdom was lost.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What a waste of a good thing. I have many platonic male friends - just wish he could have been one of them.

 

But how many platonic male friends did you emotional attach to, fool around with and cross the lines? That's just part the price you pay when do that...The loss of the friendship. It WAS a friendship, until you both changed the boundries and rules.

 

You don't have to say it to him in an angry tone, just an honest one. You can tell him, that he needs to leave you alone and respect your wishes.

 

If he is lonely and wants company, then he should be spending MORE time with his wife, not you. Or, he should be hanging out with his guy buddy's and doing stuff with them to have some fun, not choose you and fulfill his missing needs..

Link to post
Share on other sites
TogetherForever
That's what I am afraid of.

 

 

THAT'S what I wanted to hear YOU say Blue.

 

It's not a good idea to continue on with him.

You're pulling back(for now) but really don't want to.

 

 

TF

Link to post
Share on other sites

What, you're afraid of him getting mad or afraid of him being glad? Or both?

 

You have NO choice but to end the friendship, it's just not working. One cannot be friends with someone they have deep feelings for - It'll keep you in a certain mindset, let alone keep you from opening your heart to someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't have to say it in an angry tone...but you DO need to say it in a VERY FIRM one.

 

For as long as he has any gleaming hope or belief that you'll slip and let him back in...he'll continue this. He'll keep pushing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
One cannot be friends with someone they have deep feelings for - It'll keep you in a certain mindset, let alone keep you from opening your heart to someone else.

 

 

True. Since this "ended" I have turned down a couple of dates on offer from other, perfectly lovely (SINGLE) men. And I have automatically said "no". Without even thinking about it!

 

Argh.. it's so hard when you work with them, non? He is just so damn sexy. Every time he walks past my desk, or swaggers to the printer, I just want to rip his clothes off there and then. I find myself cut short in mid-sentence with a glazed look in my eyes. He must know it and I hate to think he may be playing on it.

 

Hardly "friendship" is it.

 

Working to correct that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

See, that's why the friendship will never work - You LOOK at him the wrong way. You think about him, fantasize ... Friends don't do that to friends.

 

It's a selfish friendship, it doesn't include anyone else. Just you and him. Away from everyone else, including his wife, his friends, his family..you are not involved in his daily life in the sense of a platonic and normal friend would be - You're hidden and for good reason.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

For as long as he has any gleaming hope or belief that you'll slip and let him back in...he'll continue this. He'll keep pushing.

 

 

Every time I pull away, he gets keener. I've said in no uncertain terms that we are friends only - and that only seems to spur him on.

 

Hence your warning about being friends huh.

 

It's just not possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He must know it and I hate to think he may be playing on it.

 

OFCOURSE he knows. And OFCOURSE he is playing on it. He isn't being malcious about it, he's just being selfish about it. He knows that HE will lose what he wants - Attention and an ego feed. (I'm not implying that's all you are to him, but in a sense, you kind of are, seeing as it turned into an affair.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me be very frank.

 

He's continuing to push you because he's not suffering any consequences for doing so.

 

Think about it.

 

He WANTS to get back with you and resume the PA. He's hoping that if he keeps pushing, you'll relent.

 

If instead of just tolerating it, you suddenly started enforcing that boundary WITH CONSEQUENCES...he'll either stop, or suffer those consequences.

 

Make sense to you?

 

That's why I suggested bringing in HR in response to one of your prior threads. A CONSEQUENCE...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
..you are not involved in his daily life in the sense of a platonic and normal friend would be - You're hidden and for good reason.

 

 

Yes and no. We are involved at work (socially), and at times, rather openly.

 

Example - Working from home this week people have been curious as to where I am and they have been asking *him* rather than my assistant. Not ideal - but it speaks volumes.

 

We lunch together most days and when neither of us have after work commitments, we go out for an hour or two - sometimes alone, sometimes with others.

 

I live in central London and he lives 2 hours away so it's never made sense to hang out in the weekend. He has invited me up to his village to play pool with him and his mates - which I considered.

 

Hell, I'm going to a concert with him, his friends and my friends in Decemeber.

 

In short - I'm not hidden.

 

 

God. Am i making excuses now?

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's why I suggested bringing in HR in response to one of your prior threads. A CONSEQUENCE...

 

She won't ever do that because I think she's afraid of hurting him, disappointing him, making him feel angry with her.

 

And for your other question on that new thread? The answer is no. It's not possible. You're attached, emotionally involved, sexually attracted to him, and you care about him MORE than a friend.

 

Having him in your life prevents you from finding someone else. You know this..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes and no. We are involved at work (socially), and at times, rather openly.

Yes, but not in his personal life, with friends and family. It isn't out in the open..

You don't get invited to his house for dinner, nor are you included in his family functions.

 

Hell, I'm going to a concert with him, his friends and my friends in Decemeber.

Don't go. His wife should be the one going with him, not you.

 

See, you're IN his life but on his terms, with friends that probably don't really know his wife. His work buddies.

 

I hope this is making sense to you..

 

Anyway, this is your life, you're going to do what you want to do. Problem is, I think you're not quite ready to let go of him and grieve. Really move on. You're scared..

 

Just keep in mind, you were FINE without him in your life, you will be again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess you need to ask yourself WHY you would want to continue a friendship with someone you more or less are inlove with and care for deeply, knowing that he is married and not available to you.

 

Let me ask this - Let's say you had a boyfriend, or a husband.. Would you still wish for this friendship? If so, why?

 

I think alot of this is based on ALL what you feel for him now. Once those feelings are gone and you care about less, what's left is, not someone you really want to be friends with because what it's based on now IS the intimate part and how you feel.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

.. he isn't married. He is engaged.

 

They have been living together for 5 years. Engaged for 2. No ring. No date.

 

Both he and I have been married before.

 

Does that change anything?

 

Oh please say it does.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If it's just all about the sex then go for a single man BlueBerry.

 

TF

 

 

Steady on! No, it's not just about the sex. Show me a woman who doesn't have a problem getting sex - and I'll show you 10 men that do. ;)

 

 

No - it's not about that. It's about him. I love everything about him. We're very similar in many ways.

 

And well.... we just clicked.

Link to post
Share on other sites
.. he isn't married. He is engaged.

 

Close enough. They live together and are common-law.

 

They have been living together for 5 years. Engaged for 2. No ring. No date.

 

How can they be engaged if there's no ring? That's odd. Are you sure he isn't pulling a fast one on you? Think about it......

 

Both he and I have been married before.

 

Does that change anything?

 

Oh please say it does.

 

No, it doesn't. Fact still remains, it's not a platonic friendship and there are feelings involved. You two rely on eachother for the wrong reasons. It's not a true and honest friendship, even if you think it is. It isn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...