Moving away

[ovrtherainbow]

I have realized that I am powerless over the R I have with the MM. I have tried repeatedly to have NC, and failed miserably. I feel hopeless and worthless about that because in the meantime, I was supposed to be working on MY OWN M, and have also come to know that I need to let that go. If I am NOT WILLING and UNABLE to end the A, I have got to let my husband go and end our marriage.

 

Once upon a time, in the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage, we were very happy, but things started to unravel after HIS 2 affairs. I spent the next 3-4 years begging for love and attention from him. He verbally abused me and my children. He was always negative, hateful and withdrawn. Thats when I started to go out with friends and find some sort of companionship with them. After 10 years of being a faithful, loving wife, I was giving up and soon after started having my A with a MM. That was one year ago.

 

Now my whole life is in shambles and I dont know what to do. I am on the verge of becoming an alchoholic if not already. I know that I am not in love with my H, and no matter how much I want to make it work for HIM, that is not going to make ME happy. I have decided to move 4 hours away with some family so that I can get away from the MM AND my husband so that I can hopefully find some clarity!!

 

I know one question I will receive will be concerning contact with the MM. WELL...I will no longer be able to see him, which is one step closer to my goal. (long term NC). I am sure there will be texts and occassional phone calls, but that is all.

 

My plan is to get out there and get into my line of work that I enjoy again. (Animal care/grooming/rescue work). Something to make me feel worthwhile and productive. I would also like to take up photography again. I need alot of healing and I know these things are going to help me find who I am again and maybe find what I need and want out of this life.

 

Have any of you tried this? What should I expect? Was it helpful in moving toward successful long term NC?

 

There has got to be an end to this madness! I am not gonna give up on myself!!!!!!!

[TogetherForever]

Hi Ovr,

 

My advice would be to NOT accept the texts & phone calls.

 

No Contact = No Contact.

 

TF

 

(No letters either )

[Owl]

Agreed...if you're going to do this to "clear your mind"...

 

Then give BOTH men the SAME amount of NC.

 

Neither should get the "advantage" over the other at this point.

[whichwayisup]

Cut ALL contact with MM. Change your cell number and close your email account, open another one. If you can't do that, then block the MM from your email.

 

If you want to do NC and get him out of your life once and for all, you have to work hard at it and make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to contact you and for you to contact him.

 

Staying intouch is pointless and will not do YOU any good.

 

If you need to speak to your husband, do so, but only about the kids. Nothing else.

[NewSunrise]

Welcome on LS OTR,

 

You've got a good start in the healing process and have received great replies from some "old timers" on LS. All good, OWL and WWIU. You know what you have to do. You already have a blue draft on the process.

 

I might also add to call local networks in your area like AA, and Domestic violence who can direct you to the proper channels especially as there are children.

 

Call your medical insurance and get some counseling. Some providers cover counseling with a co-pay of $15-30 per visit. If the counselor feels you need additional sessions, they will submit a request for authorization for more. Your counselor can also give you local chapters for substance abuse and abuse centers.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Who are you calling old?????

 

<looks in the mirror>

 

 

Awww damn.

 

<sigh>

 

[NewSunrise]

You know I had buy new reading glasses last night from 1.25 to 1.50!? I bought a pair of 1.75 and 2.00 just in case. I'm fighting it!:laugh:

 

<<<<sigh>>>>

[Chapter2]

I did it. I knew for certain after what I'd been thru with my xMM that I was powerless to discontinue my self destructive behavior unless I moved away. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life and today (two years later) I believe its the only thing that gave me a fighting chance to move forward.

 

I had two of my best friends in the world who lived in my new city come and literally pack my things and drive me to my new home. The incredible thing is that neither friend had any knowledge of what I'd done until the wreckage was visible. I called them, told them I was in trouble and that I needed help. They helped me.

 

 

I'm not trying to put a bow around a nice little box and say I lived happily ever after. I literally thought I was going to die, but I knew it was the absolute right thing for me to do.

 

You can let this make you stronger and healthier or you can let it kill you in spirit and soul. My life is in no way a walk in the park now, but I am getting better all the time. I'm still in counseling and I'm learning so much about why I've chosen the things I've chosen. I believe you've been through so much pain. Your husband crushed you with his betrayal and then on top of that, you crushed yourself when you betrayed you. I'm not judging you in any way. I've been there and am humbly aware that my struggling self image could take me there again. I have a lot of accountability around me now and I'm changing for the better.

 

Even in the midst of the war you're in, you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for having the clarity to think about what is best for YOU. Do you have friends that will help you through this? They were so strong for me when I was too weak to do anything. Do not let yourself get into a shame cycle where all you do is trash yourself. You are a human being.

 

PS...I got a new cell number and had a new unlisted address and home phone. He had no computer so we never used email. Even though blocking all of that felt like I was cutting off one of my hands, it was a relief in a weird way. There was nothing to hope for because there was no way for him to get in touch with me. Strangely freeing but still painful...does that make a bit of sense?

 

I have realized that I am powerless over the R I have with the MM. I have tried repeatedly to have NC, and failed miserably. I feel hopeless and worthless about that because in the meantime, I was supposed to be working on MY OWN M, and have also come to know that I need to let that go. If I am NOT WILLING and UNABLE to end the A, I have got to let my husband go and end our marriage.

 

Once upon a time, in the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage, we were very happy, but things started to unravel after HIS 2 affairs. I spent the next 3-4 years begging for love and attention from him. He verbally abused me and my children. He was always negative, hateful and withdrawn. Thats when I started to go out with friends and find some sort of companionship with them. After 10 years of being a faithful, loving wife, I was giving up and soon after started having my A with a MM. That was one year ago.

 

Now my whole life is in shambles and I dont know what to do. I am on the verge of becoming an alchoholic if not already. I know that I am not in love with my H, and no matter how much I want to make it work for HIM, that is not going to make ME happy. I have decided to move 4 hours away with some family so that I can get away from the MM AND my husband so that I can hopefully find some clarity!!

 

I know one question I will receive will be concerning contact with the MM. WELL...I will no longer be able to see him, which is one step closer to my goal. (long term NC). I am sure there will be texts and occassional phone calls, but that is all.

 

My plan is to get out there and get into my line of work that I enjoy again. (Animal care/grooming/rescue work). Something to make me feel worthwhile and productive. I would also like to take up photography again. I need alot of healing and I know these things are going to help me find who I am again and maybe find what I need and want out of this life.

 

Have any of you tried this? What should I expect? Was it helpful in moving toward successful long term NC?

 

There has got to be an end to this madness! I am not gonna give up on myself!!!!!!!

[ovrtherainbow]

I did it. I knew for certain after what I'd been thru with my xMM that I was powerless to discontinue my self destructive behavior unless I moved away. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life and today (two years later) I believe its the only thing that gave me a fighting chance to move forward.

 

I had two of my best friends in the world who lived in my new city come and literally pack my things and drive me to my new home. The incredible thing is that neither friend had any knowledge of what I'd done until the wreckage was visible. I called them, told them I was in trouble and that I needed help. They helped me.

 

 

I'm not trying to put a bow around a nice little box and say I lived happily ever after. I literally thought I was going to die, but I knew it was the absolute right thing for me to do.

 

You can let this make you stronger and healthier or you can let it kill you in spirit and soul. My life is in no way a walk in the park now, but I am getting better all the time. I'm still in counseling and I'm learning so much about why I've chosen the things I've chosen. I believe you've been through so much pain. Your husband crushed you with his betrayal and then on top of that, you crushed yourself when you betrayed you. I'm not judging you in any way. I've been there and am humbly aware that my struggling self image could take me there again. I have a lot of accountability around me now and I'm changing for the better.

 

Even in the midst of the war you're in, you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for having the clarity to think about what is best for YOU. Do you have friends that will help you through this? They were so strong for me when I was too weak to do anything. Do not let yourself get into a shame cycle where all you do is trash yourself. You are a human being.

 

PS...I got a new cell number and had a new unlisted address and home phone. He had no computer so we never used email. Even though blocking all of that felt like I was cutting off one of my hands, it was a relief in a weird way. There was nothing to hope for because there was no way for him to get in touch with me. Strangely freeing but still painful...does that make a bit of sense?

 

 

I cried as I read your post! Thats exactly how I feel!

* I was powerless to discontinue my self destructive behavior unless I moved away.

 

It is self destructive!

 

*I literally thought I was going to die, but I knew it was the absolute right thing for me to do.

 

*You can let this make you stronger and healthier or you can let it kill you in spirit and soul.

 

Thats what I feel this has done to me!

 

* I believe you've been through so much pain. Your husband crushed you with his betrayal and then on top of that, you crushed yourself when you betrayed you.

 

WOW! Hit the nail on the head!!

 

Thanks for making me feel better Chapter!!!! I know its probally against rules to ask this, but is there any way I could contact you by email or anything? Mine is [email protected].

[Chapter2]

Hi Rainbow,

 

I've sent you an email. Please let me know if you don't receive it. I'll give you all the support I can.

 

Take care

 

I cried as I read your post! Thats exactly how I feel!

* I was powerless to discontinue my self destructive behavior unless I moved away.

 

It is self destructive!

 

*I literally thought I was going to die, but I knew it was the absolute right thing for me to do.

 

*You can let this make you stronger and healthier or you can let it kill you in spirit and soul.

 

Thats what I feel this has done to me!

 

* I believe you've been through so much pain. Your husband crushed you with his betrayal and then on top of that, you crushed yourself when you betrayed you.

 

WOW! Hit the nail on the head!!

 

Thanks for making me feel better Chapter!!!! I know its probally against rules to ask this, but is there any way I could contact you by email or anything? Mine is [email protected].

[LakesideDream]

You know I had buy new reading glasses last night from 1.25 to 1.50!? I bought a pair of 1.75 and 2.00 just in case. I'm fighting it!:laugh:

 

<<<<sigh>>>>

 

Wearing 2.50's right now, it's relentless isn't it!

[Agent_99]

I have realized that I am powerless over the R I have with the MM. I have tried repeatedly to have NC, and failed miserably. I feel hopeless and worthless about that because in the meantime, I was supposed to be working on MY OWN M, and have also come to know that I need to let that go. If I am NOT WILLING and UNABLE to end the A, I have got to let my husband go and end our marriage.

 

Once upon a time, in the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage, we were very happy, but things started to unravel after HIS 2 affairs. I spent the next 3-4 years begging for love and attention from him. He verbally abused me and my children. He was always negative, hateful and withdrawn. Thats when I started to go out with friends and find some sort of companionship with them. After 10 years of being a faithful, loving wife, I was giving up and soon after started having my A with a MM. That was one year ago.

 

Now my whole life is in shambles and I dont know what to do. I am on the verge of becoming an alchoholic if not already. I know that I am not in love with my H, and no matter how much I want to make it work for HIM, that is not going to make ME happy. I have decided to move 4 hours away with some family so that I can get away from the MM AND my husband so that I can hopefully find some clarity!!

 

I know one question I will receive will be concerning contact with the MM. WELL...I will no longer be able to see him, which is one step closer to my goal. (long term NC). I am sure there will be texts and occassional phone calls, but that is all.

 

My plan is to get out there and get into my line of work that I enjoy again. (Animal care/grooming/rescue work). Something to make me feel worthwhile and productive. I would also like to take up photography again. I need alot of healing and I know these things are going to help me find who I am again and maybe find what I need and want out of this life.

 

Have any of you tried this? What should I expect? Was it helpful in moving toward successful long term NC?

 

There has got to be an end to this madness! I am not gonna give up on myself!!!!!!!

 

OTR~

I was in your place last March. Only add the ingredient that one night while I was half drunk I called MW's gf and told her about the A.

In another post I told my hellish story about that DDay.

In my case it wasn't successful, because a little over a week after I moved she started calling me. At first I thought that we could be friends, I mean how were we going to have an affair when I lived 6 hours away? But after a few weeks, it resumed. All the I love you's and I miss you's and we started planning to see each other.

 

So if you are going to do this, do it so that you no longer have any contact with MM. IT will be VERY hard either way, but if you have any contact with him while you are feeling so low, it is only going to prolong the pain, and at some point may lead you back into the A.

 

In my case, it at least gave me the emotional distance I needed to get my head straight. Even though I have moved back and am still in the A, the dynamics of it have changed remarkably.

 

I would also suggest counseling, if your at the point I think you are, (similar to my own self-destructive phase) please get some proffessional support. Besides the A, you are also ending an abusive M. That is one huge load of stress for your brain and your heart to process.

 

 

I did it. I knew for certain after what I'd been thru with my xMM that I was powerless to discontinue my self destructive behavior unless I moved away. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life and today (two years later) I believe its the only thing that gave me a fighting chance to move forward.

 

I had two of my best friends in the world who lived in my new city come and literally pack my things and drive me to my new home. The incredible thing is that neither friend had any knowledge of what I'd done until the wreckage was visible. I called them, told them I was in trouble and that I needed help. They helped me.

 

 

I'm not trying to put a bow around a nice little box and say I lived happily ever after. I literally thought I was going to die, but I knew it was the absolute right thing for me to do.

 

You can let this make you stronger and healthier or you can let it kill you in spirit and soul. My life is in no way a walk in the park now, but I am getting better all the time. I'm still in counseling and I'm learning so much about why I've chosen the things I've chosen. I believe you've been through so much pain. Your husband crushed you with his betrayal and then on top of that, you crushed yourself when you betrayed you. I'm not judging you in any way. I've been there and am humbly aware that my struggling self image could take me there again. I have a lot of accountability around me now and I'm changing for the better.

 

Even in the midst of the war you're in, you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for having the clarity to think about what is best for YOU. Do you have friends that will help you through this? They were so strong for me when I was too weak to do anything. Do not let yourself get into a shame cycle where all you do is trash yourself. You are a human being.

 

PS...I got a new cell number and had a new unlisted address and home phone. He had no computer so we never used email. Even though blocking all of that felt like I was cutting off one of my hands, it was a relief in a weird way. There was nothing to hope for because there was no way for him to get in touch with me. Strangely freeing but still painful...does that make a bit of sense?

 

C2~ That last part about cutting off your hands, wow I get it, although in something I wrote then, I equated it to cutting off my arm I remember the wierd sense of relief that my life was my own again even if I was only going to go about things for a while one handed.

 

It was actually my exH and his gf at the time who came and helped me move, I had developed severe bronchitis and could barely get out of bed. If it hadn't been for them, I would have still been in the same town when she reintiated contact with me and things would have went from bad to worse.

 

~99