Meeting needs

[Agent_99]

Something that I have been thinking about lately is the topic of meeting needs. I am very aware of what I do for MW.

* sexual chemistry that neither of us have experienced before

* confidante - someone she feels comfortable telling anything to

* fun and excitement - I am aware that part of why this works for her is that it is exciting to plan illicit moments.

* friendship - someone to talk to about the good and bad in life, someone who uplifts her and believes that she can do the things she wants to in life.

* backup - before I met her she always had a plan in case her R ended, so I am aware that she thinks that if something happened I would now be part of that plan, even if I disagree.

*part time companionship - someone to just 'be' with.

*physical bonding - things like holding hands, sitting close to each other, just being physically close.

 

The things that I am to her are things that she doesn't get in her R. I've known this since the A started.

 

So I pretty much know what I am to her. But I started thinking about what she is to me. Something I haven't considered.

 

*sexual chemistry - I mean like reality is better than any fantasy I've ever come up with.

*confidante - I talk to her about everything. She is my sounding board and deep dark secret sharer, not that I have too many deep dark ones, i'm too open for that. But maybe deep dark emotions is a better word. If I'm afraid or confused or stressed she is the person that I turn to for comfort and help working through.

*excitement - it IS fun to to feel the anticipation of our plans.

*friendship - same as above

* physical bonding - I am a very affectionate person, I like to touch the people that I care about.

 

but for me, she doesn't provide the companionship that I crave. I always feel so limited on time that I don't often just relax with her unless we are out of town at one of her confrences. I don't have someone to plan and dream about a future life with. I don't have someone to sleep beside every night.

 

It was when I accepted that she can NEVER meet those needs, that I began the process of moving on in my heart. I want to love someone who can meet all of my needs in the moment.

 

She is, as always, very clear that she will not leave gf. And I've finally learned to take her word for that.

 

I've realized that I tried to 'settle' at one point. I tried to tell myself that because I love her so intensly that it was 'good enough'. But it's not.

I settled in my M too, because enough of my needs were met most of the time. But you can only supress things for so long before it comes to a head and that is what happened in my M.

 

I want to be with someone who can fill all those slots, most of the time. Not a few of them. I'm realistic enough to know that I can't expect someone to by my everything 100% of the time. All relationships have rough patches. But I do want to be with someone who is willing to TRY to meet my needs and willing to let me meet theirs and when the rough patched hit, we both know that we will work together to get through them.

 

I actually think it was one of Owl's posts that got me thinking about this. He asked what was it that the poster got out of the affair that kept them coming back. It took me a while to process through it and quit thinking in terms of how I meet her needs, and think in terms of my needs.

 

I also think that it is part of why I had such a hard time accepting that she wouldn't leave her R. Because if she and I were going to be in a 'real' R, then we would both have our all the needs met by one person. To me, in my heart, it all seemed to simple.

 

But she has certain phycological needs that are met by her R, that I could never meet. Things that someday she will learn to fullfill for herself. Just as in my marriage. I needed to feel 'trapped' and 'martyred' to my marriage. Over a period of two years that need went away as I gained some real independence and self acceptance. When that unhealthy need went away, that is when I realized that my marriage wasn't enough for him or I. While we were compatable on many things, it wasn't enough things for us to ever be happy together.

She knows what her 'unhealthy' needs are in her R, but is unable to really face them at this point in her life, so they keep her 'martyred' to her R for the sake of kids, financial support, and the 'unhealthy' dynamics of the R.

 

So I am an 'outlet' for the dysfunction of her R. And she and I meet some of our needs that aren't filled in 'traditional' ways for now.

 

~99

[jj33]

What do you mean he "unhealthy" needs are met? are you doing something so sordid that its unhealthy? Nothing you mentioned is sordid. It sounds like very basic needs arent being met period. But she is willing to overlook that to maintain the relationship.

 

If she is martyred that is her choice. It does not have to be yours. As hard as that is.

 

I was just out at a function where I was seated next to someone who was in an A. The MM is ready to marry her now, leave his W the whole shabang. But she has met someone else. She hates the fact that she went through all that pain and he is too late. She predicted that will happen to me too...

 

Why couldnt he have done it 6 months ago before she met someone new? Why cant MW leave now? No reason except that they dont want to. Be like my friend meet someone else and let MW martyr herself all she wants. There is more out there for you

[Agent_99]

Well for me in my marriage it was an unhealthy need to

A. be in an emotionally distant relationship 'safe' is the word I've used often

B. To be the practical supporting etc, to the point where I didn't have much control over my own life and decisions because I wanted him to be happy. even before my own happiness.

C. He was emotionally abusive, and in some way I needed that, I thought it kept me in check consciously. I think subconsiously it allowed me to be okay with my own lack of self acceptance. And I often complimented him on his ability to be 'brutally' honest.

 

For her:

I am not aware of all the dynamics of their relationship, but I have witnessed a lot of things. Instances of emotional abuse and bullying from the gf. MW is very insecure about a lot of things about herself, and her gf feeds that insecurity.

 

That is what I mean by unhealthy need, sometimes having someone who feeds your insecurities, fears, etc can be a twisted sort of safety blanket.

 

And I'm not saying that she doesn't make a conscious choice to stay either. I'm just saying that someday she will learn that she doesn't need the unhealthy dynamics of their relationship and it will be over.

 

I am working on the meeting someone new. I'm not willing even if they split tomorrow to jump right into a full relationship with her. I'm not willing to fill her need to be okay with her lack of self esteem. I don't fill it now, right now I am the antithesis to that, supporting, encouraging, just not to the point that it threatens my own happiness. Never going to that place again

But I know that that good feeling I give her, even just loving her enough to BE in an affair when it is so against who I thought I was, must be a huge boost to her self esteem.

 

If I was out of the picture it would be someone or something else, until she is ready.

 

It is the way it is, and I accept it. I don't settle though. She knows that what we have isn't enough for me and that I am dating.

 

It does make me sad that 'someday' she will be ready for a real and healthy relationship and I'll have moved on completly. But at the same time I hope that she finds that day and can find someone to be happy with, even if it isn't me.

 

Sometimes it seems like the MP puts the affair feelings, and such on hold when it ends. So that when they either think there is an opening to resume the A, or their R ends they think the OP will jump right into a relationship. This is just an observasion from posts here. They don't always seem to understand that for the OP when it ended, it was over and they began the process of moving on.

 

Like I said, it's only for now that I let her fill the needs that she can.

 

~99

[jj33]

99 easy for me to say but saying you are only there until you meet someone else is a slippery slope. Being in it eats at your self esteem. The fact that if it werent you it would be someone else is her problem not yours and doesnt help your self esteem.

 

The fact that some day she will want a healthy relationship also doesnt help you. I know it hurts to think that you have gone through so much and the timing may be wrong, but that is the way life is sometimes. I held on emotionally after it was over for a long time with those thoughts. Putting them to one side has been freeing.

 

If the timing is wrong there is a reason. Sometimes people come into our lives you help each other in various ways and learn from each other but it doesnt mean you are meant to be together. It you are the timing will somehow become right when she is ready. But she doesnt appear to be going anywhere. If you were her, you would leave eventually. If you were her gf, you would not stay in it with someone who is unhappy and getting her needs met elswhere. But you are not them.

 

You can only move on when you are ready but think hard about it. By staying in it even if you say you are not in it to the point that you are jeopardizing your own happiness but is that really true. The energy you expend thinking she will leave someday and she should want to leave etc etc is all energy that you could be focusing on you and your life. There is pain attached to stepping further away but it is worth it. its incredibly freeing once you get to the other side.

 

And totally agree its shocking that they think because they just put it on hold that the OP will come back when they snap their fingers. In their dreams...

 

 

Big hugs

[Agent_99]

99 easy for me to say but saying you are only there until you meet someone else is a slippery slope. Being in it eats at your self esteem. The fact that if it werent you it would be someone else is her problem not yours and doesnt help your self esteem.

 

There are times it is a slippery slope. We haven't seen each other outside of work in a month now. So I've had a lot of space to work through some things and get some emotional distance. Part of that was thinking about my needs and how an affair will never meet them.

I also know that she wouldn't let herself have an affair like ours again. It would be one night stands when she's out of town and internet stuff. She says she wouldn't do any of it, but I know her well enough to know that eventually she would reach a breaking point again.

 

The fact that some day she will want a healthy relationship also doesnt help you. I know it hurts to think that you have gone through so much and the timing may be wrong, but that is the way life is sometimes. I held on emotionally after it was over for a long time with those thoughts. Putting them to one side has been freeing.

 

That is something that will just take me time.

 

If the timing is wrong there is a reason. Sometimes people come into our lives you help each other in various ways and learn from each other but it doesnt mean you are meant to be together. It you are the timing will somehow become right when she is ready. But she doesnt appear to be going anywhere. If you were her, you would leave eventually. If you were her gf, you would not stay in it with someone who is unhappy and getting her needs met elswhere. But you are not them.

 

You can only move on when you are ready but think hard about it. By staying in it even if you say you are not in it to the point that you are jeopardizing your own happiness but is that really true. The energy you expend thinking she will leave someday and she should want to leave etc etc is all energy that you could be focusing on you and your life. There is pain attached to stepping further away but it is worth it. its incredibly freeing once you get to the other side.

 

Two steps forward and one step back I'm trying something new to end it, because what I have tried before has not worked. baby steps, instead of the one huge NC step. I no longer break plans with freinds if she calls, I no longer even wait to hear from her before making plans. If she wants to spend time with me, she does it around my schedule and my life, instead of me doing it around her schedule and her life. That in in itself has been a huge step for me, I used to rearrange my entire life to see her and talk to her. The next step is to date others. I have been working towards that, but I live in a small rural area. Which makes it hard as there is limited single lesbian women. But that is part of putting an ad in the local paper, it might help me meet a few, at least as friends. And I'm joining the gay/straight alliance at the college I attend too.

 

After all those things fall into place, my life will simply not have a place for her besides a friend to talk to occasionally. I'm not saying that she won't always have a special place in my heart for what we have shared. But she doesn't get to keep the special place in my life.

 

And totally agree its shocking that they think because they just put it on hold that the OP will come back when they snap their fingers. In their dreams...

 

 

Big hugs

 

So any other OW/OM out there want to talk about what kept/keeps them in their affairs?

 

~99