Update on my situation

[CAT100]

Hey guys

Havent posted for a long time but thought Id update on situation.

For those of you that are new or cant remember, I will re cap my situation briefly

* I have been with MM for 6 years

* 1 year ago MM & his family moved abroad as he bought a new business to hopefully save his finances (he was on verge of bancruptcy)

* Since moving abroad MM has been back every 3-6 weeks to see me

* I have also been to see him when his W & kids returned here to see family, friends etc

* MM promised me that after 1 year he would have built the business up sufficiently to sell at at profit, he would then return & live with me

* I have spoken to MMs wife a number of times, initially he told me he was divorced & my first contact with his W was when I turned up at the house to meet him & she answered door. I was more shocked than she was. She said it was not the first time. Since then she contacts me occasionally when she finds out we are still together, but has never left or kicked him out

*MM has always maintained he is only in M due to the kids. He has older kids (now adults) from previous relationship, and feels guilt for leaving when they were young. Has said he doesnt want to do the same thing again.

* MMs wife is very passive/non confrontational/reserved. Has always said she wouldnt stop him seeing his kids. The only reason she puts up with his cheating is so that the kids have 2 parents in same house bringing them up together (her words not mine)

* I am 28, MM is 51, MMs W is 50

 

ANYWAY

 

MM & I went on holiday a few months ago, everything wonderful, had emotional talks walking on beach, said he missed me so much, wanted me to have a child as soon as we were living together, I was the most amazing woman he had ever met, I 'ticked all the boxes', he was so lucky to be with me.... etc etc

 

I noticed him being VERY cagey with his phone, always taking it to bathroom with him, we would get in at 2am & he would be checking his phone. When I questioned him he said he was 'seeing if I got any missed calls from the kids or W'. I found this very odd. After a few days, it was driving me mad, so when he was in the shower one evening I saw he had (unusually) left his phone switched on and unattended, so I just picked it up and RAN. I ran out of the holiday complex, and as far down the beach as I could.

 

I was shaking as I opened the text inbox. There were 900 texts. I saw a lot from someone I will refer to as 'GIRL A', these included

'Miss you so much , I love you, hope you are enjoying your holiday with your son'

'Babe why havent you called, are you ok?'

'I still havent changed my bed yet as it smells of you'

 

ETC ETC ETC.

 

It gets worse

 

I then found more texts from a SECOND WOMAN. 'GIRL B'. These were more sexual and less loving

 

'Hurry back to work, I miss you & your ****'

'I want you to **** me over your desk when you get back, like you did last week

 

So I just sat there on the beach, on our holiday, crying and feeling absolutely sick to the core.

 

I called GIRL A, and it transpires that she had previously been employed as the AU PAIR (!!!!!!!!!) for the children, and has been in relationship with MM for 3 years. 2 of which were when she was living in the family house. She was very very upset, and had no idea about me, apparently she also had the promises about living with him etc etc. She said she had believed him totally as she saw first hand the lack of affection etc between him and the W. She is 30 and was really hurt, said she had no idea and truly beleived everything he said to her.

 

I then called GIRL B and she is apparently his PA at his office. She has been a **** buddy for the last year or so. She said it is mainly just office based sex but she has developed some feelings for him. She said his W comes into the office to work for 3 days a week, and then when she leaves to pick up the kids from school thats when GIRL B & MM have their fun.

 

I then called the W and told her EVERYTHING. She was really shocked, as GIRL A was employed by her, lived in her house etc, and GIRL B showed her round when she moved abroad and obviously they worked in the office, all 3 of them, and W was totally unaware. W said to me she was 'grateful' I had told her, because it wasnt fair that everyone else knew & she didnt.

 

I then walked back to the holiday villa.

MM was there with his suitcase packed. I wanted to hit him but I was totally numb and just in shock.

He started crying and said he was 'so sorry' and he was 'sick'

 

To cut a long story short I had to stay abroad with him for 1 day as no flight available, during this time I was interrogating him, storming off because I couldnt stand to be with him, screaming at him, crying, throwing things.. you get the picture. All he said was he was 'sick in the head' and 'couldnt explain' why he did what he did.

 

The plane journey home was the worst feeling ever. He then got a plane to where he lives abroad, and I got the train home. He was sobbing at the airport, it was awful. Really heart wrenching and just awful.

 

Will continue in next post as this getting very long..

[whichwayisup]

Wow your MM is a total serial cheater..He was good at hiding and lying to ALL of you.

 

I know you're hurting, but this is a blessing because now you can grieve and heal yourself - Be free from it all.

 

He was upset because he got busted!! All his selfishness, web of lies caught up to him. THAT is why he cried. He doesn't love anyone except himself, that's obvious. He needs serious help, hopefully this will be enough for him to go to counselling.

[manugeorge]

oooh boy that's a doozy. It really hones in that saying of "if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you".

[CAT100]

Ok so trying to condense this a little now

 

* During the next few weeks MM & I had many conversations, I was so angry and sad, hurt, violated, betrayed .

* He told me during these conversations that GIRL B was just casual sex when he was away from me for up to 6 weeks, and he was not getting any from W so it was just a need that she fulfilled. He didnt have any feelings for her

* He said GIRL A just 'got out of hand' as she was there living under the same roof and it just happened and was convenient. She was also very passive and never complained about the situation, or pressurised and understood he wouldnt leave for a long time due to the kids. So he had a very easy time of it with her.

* He said he had been hugely shaken up, had realised what he really wanted, had to make decisions now it was all out in the open. Had been forced into deciding what he really wanted.

* Gradually & patiently he started working on me. Little by little. Sending me cute messages asking how I was, was I eating, was I sleeping, going to work etc etc.

* STUPIDLY I STARTED LETTING HIM BACK IN

 

I then went to see him abroad (as his W & kids were here) and I stayed there for 3 weeks.

For 1 week he left me there to look after the house, as he promised his kids he would see them & was unable to wait as many of his staff were off work on hol later on.

Things were going quite well, he was making an effort, we were talking.

He said him & W were splitting up, they should have done so a long time ago but were now finally doing it

 

A few nights before I left, I checked his phone & found a message under a mans name, with same initial as GIRL A s first name saying 'Babe please let me know you've landed safely, am worried'

I confronted him, he said it was a really old text, he hadnt deleted it yet, and showed me everything else in his phone. There were lots of texts from GIRL B but these were all very brief & work related.

So I thought ok everything is cool

The last night I was there I was in the bath washing my hair, and I noticed him standing at the doorway crying, he said I looked so at home and it would be so weird without me there, he would see me in every room in the house when I left. He got in the bath and washed my hair and was holding me and sobbing and saying 'Please dont leave me, I love you, I will die if I dont have you back in my life'

 

We went out for dinner, had a lovely evening. The next morning I woke to find him stroking my face and crying, saying I was so beautiful, please could I give him another chance..

He dropped me at the airport and waited until the last moment to leave.

He was shaking and sobbing, telling me he was so so sorry, he was just messed up, he never wanted to lose me, he would seek help, I was everything to him etc.

 

I got on the plane thinking maybe I can make a go of it with him again.

 

That night I felt a weird sick feeling, I cant explain it. Just a vibe.

I called GIRL A, as I wanted to know if the text was from her & when did she send it.

She told me she was back with him

They got back together BEFORE he asked me to go & visit him

She was really pissed & crying as she said she kept asking him if she could visit (as she knew W & kids were not there) but he put her off saying it was 'too risky'

So obviously she was enraged when she found out the real reason was because I was there!!

When MM returned here after leaving me to look after house, he met up with GIRL A & slept with her a number of times.

 

GIRL A & I had a very very long talk. We both could not understand what the hell he was playing at , starting the whole thing again less than 2 months after.

 

GIRL B has been in touch, saying she resumed sleeping with him too, WHILST I WAS THERE, but I do not know if this is true as she has been found out to have lied in the past.

 

Anyway, now I am just sitting here thinking WTF thats 6 years of my life gone, he could have got me back after I ran off with his phone & discovered everything, but oh no, he just wanted everything exactly how it was before. I have nightmares, I cant sleep, I cant eat, I feel so awful. I saw a therapist that said I am verging on post traumatic stress disorder & I need to sort it before it gets worse. I hate myself for being so stupid, and loving so much, and allowing him to have another 3 weeks- working on me, coming home to me, whilst all the while he was already back with GIRL A.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM???????

 

 

I know this has been a very long post. If anyone has any constructive comments I would be grateful. I dont really need bashing as I hate myself enough right now already

[whichwayisup]

Noone is going to bash you - And you need to stop beating up on yourself. This guy could win an Oscar for his performance. If there's any bashing that's going to happen, it's going to be about him. What a scumball @*^$er!

 

I am glad to hear you're in therapy, that definately will help you. Rely on family and friends too, and continue posting here.

 

This guy IS sick in the head, and as I said earlier, you're better off without him. You love who you thought he was, but that was a lie.

[Terminator]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM???????

 

 

No, it's more wth is wrong with YOU. Not trying to "bash you" but wake up honey, you've already spent as you said six YEARS of your life with this PATHETIC LOSER.

 

Leave him to girl A & B and his poor W and remove him from your life.

 

Why do you even WANT this guy? Doesn't sound like he's a very good prospect financially - he must be really something in the sack.

[manugeorge]

You were played, it's just that simple. I feel for you because I've experienced the same thing before. This wasn't a MM but a boyfriend who carried on several other relationships with other women while we were together for 3 years. When he was busted, ofcourse he came back crying...don't they always? I involved myself in a Jerry Springer circus with all the women he had been seeing, like you, we would call one another for updates on his actions. He came back to me and painted himself as a bad person with a problem that he needs help with. "I just don't know what's wrong with me, please help me, I don't know why I'm like this and I keep doing these horrible things"...I ofcourse bought it and shifted the focus away from myself to him. He's now the victim with the problem and I sympathized with him and wanted to help him, and ofcourse I loved him even though he had zero respect or love for me by screwing around. I believed his lies and even went as far as to help him threaten a girl that he said was crazy and stalking him. Well, how could she not stalk him when he screwed with her, lied to her and broke her heart?

How foolish was I?

 

Did he stop cheating and lying? no he didn't, I finally saw the light and walked away. That was 4 years ago and till this day, it still haunts me. How I could have fallen for someone like that, how I could have allowed myself to be fooled like that. But hey, it happens to the best of us. Lesson learned.

 

These kind of men are what they call SOCIOPATHS, look it up. It will help you understand better how you fell under his spell.

[whichwayisup]

Do you remember the poster imstunned? Do a site search on her name, read her situation..She got played big time as well. Her guy told her he was single, when infact he was married with kids. He lied to her, led her on, he even said he was going on some sort of climbing trip and made it seem like he was killed or in a bad accident. ALL a lie.

 

Yes, MG is right, your (ex)MM is a sociopath, let alone a narcissist as well.

[Owl]

Wow...just wow.

 

This dude is good.

 

He's got compartmentalization down to a freaking science.

 

Cat, you shouldn't feel too bad at this point...he's successfully played ALL of you..even his wife is my bet. I'll bet she's not aware he's hooked back up with all three of you AGAIN...and the "splitting up" thing was likely just another lie as well.

 

RUN for the nearest exit!

 

It was six years of your life...its not wasted. It was what it was...but now its over, and its time to focus on what IS instead of what was.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow a walking, talking, manipulating pile of dog dookie who cries crocodile tears. I won't bash you, but I wish I could say I feel bad for you. I do feel bad that it took this extreme for you to see some light. Take notes and go forward and never repeat. God bless.

[2sure]

You have been hurt by a professional. Call his behavior sociopathic/narcissist, whatever - he played you but good. He is also a poster child DRAMA QUEEN.

 

You have been hurt, you are one of his victims.

 

That fact that you are not just surprised but absolutely shocked at his behavior is, I must say, astonishing.

 

You did the right thing, for you, by contacting everyone else involved. In a scenerio like this - all bets are off, do whatever you can to make you feel a little bit better or keep you moving forward.

 

Its quite possible that his wife is still with him for reasons of her own - such as financial, kids, lifestyle - she may have motives for wanting HIM to leave. But he wont. Someone like him cannot survive without someone else enabling him. For him, it isnt just the attention he requires - its the DRAMA.

 

On a better note - you have experienced a selfish person to the fullest and I am sure you can take this with you and incorporate it into the whole and complete person you will become without him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You can’t even be angry with this man. He's simply doing what all you ladies have given him permission to do. Each and every one of you gals shares a similar personality trait that is geared to his specific taste in women ... your permissiveness and willingness to share him with another female lover. Not to mention, overlook the fact that he is already married with children and intends to stay that way. Wife included! Which is why he’s specifically selected each and every one of you fine, young fillies for his stable.

 

Shoot. Put yourself in his shoes. Why wouldn’t any non-monogamous, sexually promiscuous guy take advantage of the opportunities you all have willingly presented to him? Why stick with only two gals when there are so many out there volleying for a chance to spend time with this “stud” while the Matriarch of the harem is occupied elsewhere?

 

In all seriousness, Cat --- He’s got a really sweet deal going for him, and you certainly can’t blame the guy for taking advantage of it. You must be getting some perks from it as well, otherwise you wouldn’t have stuck around for six years. Of course, if you ever start feeling you might have gotten stuck with the short end, you’re still just as free as you’ve always been to cut yourself out.

 

OR ... get “uppity” and he'll save you the work by kicking you out just like the last gal.

 

Me? ... Shoot. I’d go out showing him exactly what “uppity” meant ... DEGO style!!

[TogetherForever]

Hi CAT,

 

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

 

Tell him his show is over & to take his bow!!!!!

 

Move on girlfriend & hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

TF

[wildsoul]

Jeebus. :confused:

That is a horrible story you've lived thru.

 

It will take time to heal, but your heart is more resilient than you know. Godspeed that healing comes fast and strong. (((hugs)))

[Lucky_One]

(((((Cat100)))))

 

Do you have a "Uncle Tony" around? Or at the very least, a big strong older brother?

 

This is the kind of guy who needs his butt beat into the ground.

[blueberry]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM???????

 

 

You’ve spent 6 years of your life with him, hoping, one day he would change and come through with his promises. He hasn’t and he won’t.

 

He’s a narcissist (I believe all serial cheaters are). You have to realise that he is severely deficient in a main ingredient needed as a building block in a healthy relationship - values.

 

He is deficient in character – GOOD character. Repeated lying, manipulation and deception are not qualities you want to see in your 'significant other'.

 

He’s a narcissist, and narcissists rarely divorce. He will fight tooth and nail to remain married – and to hold on to you. Its part of their want and need to be accepted (and loved) by all. I bet he’s a “real great guy” in the office too.

 

Count on this - As strong as his need is to conquer outside his marriage; he will turn into weeping idiot if/when his wife even suggests divorce.

 

In short, he’s an absolute waste of time. Doesn’t help your situ though does it? The brain may compute but the heart surely won’t. Not for a while anyway.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[miss tee]

well said, blueberry! I second that.

 

something a friend told me that helped with letting go to my lying MM - she said, 'even if you were both single, you met and dated like regular people, i would never want u, my best friend, to end up with this man.' meaning that she could see as clearly as i could NOT, that he was a narcissist, a cheater, and would never change. I would always be hurt should i be with him.

 

Furthermore, it sounds like your exMM may have a sexual addiction/obsession. In which case, it doesn't matter WHO he is with, he will always want something else. He NEEDS female attention to define his self worth. he needs that adulation and adoration; how immature! you will never be able to stroke the enormity of an ego like this, and honestly do you really WANT to? He is essentially 'a loser.' those were the words i hated to hear myself, but had to.

 

it is easier for someone else to see the clarity of our situation than us seeing it ourselves, sometimes.

[CAT100]

No, it's more wth is wrong with YOU. Not trying to "bash you" but wake up honey, you've already spent as you said six YEARS of your life with this PATHETIC LOSER.

 

Leave him to girl A & B and his poor W and remove him from your life.

 

Why do you even WANT this guy? Doesn't sound like he's a very good prospect financially - he must be really something in the sack.

 

Thanks for this, I think the phrase 'wake up' is a bit late.

Obviously I was UNAWARE of what he was up to, otherwise I wouldnt have stayed with him.

He is removed from my life now!

I DONT want him anymore!

I actually loved him, it didnt matter to me that he was 'not a good prospect financially'

[CAT100]

You can’t even be angry with this man. He's simply doing what all you ladies have given him permission to do. Each and every one of you gals shares a similar personality trait that is geared to his specific taste in women ... your permissiveness and willingness to share him with another female lover. Not to mention, overlook the fact that he is already married with children and intends to stay that way. Wife included! Which is why he’s specifically selected each and every one of you fine, young fillies for his stable.

 

I disagree with this! For the 6 years PRIOR to me finding out, I did not believe I was sharing him with anyone sexually. His W told me they had no sex life. Obviously I was unaware of anyone else otherwise I wouldnt have stayed with him

Also he was meant to be splitting up with W this year so its not like I thought I would be a mistress indefinitely

Shoot. Put yourself in his shoes. Why wouldn’t any non-monogamous, sexually promiscuous guy take advantage of the opportunities you all have willingly presented to him? Why stick with only two gals when there are so many out there volleying for a chance to spend time with this “stud” while the Matriarch of the harem is occupied elsewhere?

 

In all seriousness, Cat --- He’s got a really sweet deal going for him, and you certainly can’t blame the guy for taking advantage of it. You must be getting some perks from it as well, otherwise you wouldn’t have stuck around for six years. Of course, if you ever start feeling you might have gotten stuck with the short end, you’re still just as free as you’ve always been to cut yourself out.

 

Yes, like I loved the guy. I thought he was the one. I wanted to have his children

OMG I dont want him anymore, I thought this much was obvious, maybe I should have been clearer, but why on earth would I want him now??

 

OR ... get “uppity” and he'll save you the work by kicking you out just like the last gal.

 

Me? ... Shoot. I’d go out showing him exactly what “uppity” meant ... DEGO style!!

 

Just to clarify, I TOLD HIM TO F**K off!

I am not with him anymore, why would I be??

[SoxPrincess]

Cat,

 

I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you, to all of you (including the W and Girl A & Girl B)..what a mess I am happy to hear that you've told him to bug off and that you are trying to move on, as hurtful as it is.

 

One thing I wanted to mention; this man has been sleeping with 3 different women (that you know of, there could be more), if you haven't yet, PLEASE get tested for STD's and encourage the other women to do the same..even if protection was used. Aside from all the other shi**y things this guy has done, the STD issue worries me most since he isn't honest about anything in his life. It scares the crap out of me to think that even if he did use protection with all three of you, there is always the possibility there were other women and that he didn't use protection with one of them. Remember, STD's aren't only transmitted by intercourse, so please get checked out ASAP if you haven't yet.

 

I know how hard this is for you, stay strong, take care of yourself and never, EVER let this man near you again!

[CAT100]

Thanks for all the replies

Just to clarify- I have totally dumped MM, changed my phone number etc etc.

I do not want him anymore, as he has hurt me so so much, and he is not who I thought he was.

He kept me waiting, my life on hold, I was faithful to him for 6 years, for a large portion of that time he was screwing around.

 

Now I just need to get on with my life, as best as I can.

Its so hard, and I am incredibly angry with myself for giving him that second chance after I first found out, I should have ended it then. Hes just amazingly convincing and seemed genuinely remorseful.

I am just concentrating on looking after myself- eating more, seeing friends etc.

 

Also, everyone else in the messed up quadrangle is aware of recent developments

 

* GIRL A was distraught, he had told her she was the only one etc etc. She had wanted to visit him abroad, to but he came up with excuses, when she found out it was because I was there, she was really upset.

She has told him that was the final straw & its over.

 

*GIRL B isnt really bothered, she may be still screwing him but now his W knows, it may be more diffficult. And his W partly owns the business so is within her rights to sack GIRL B if she continues to sleep with her husband..

 

*W was enraged that I stayed in her house for 3 weeks.

She said she thinks MM needs 'help' but she will stay with him, as he 'will never leave me or the children'.

Thats up to her, she seems to think as long as he comes home to her she doesnt mind where he's been

 

All I hope for is that one day I get over this, and that MM doesnt do this to anyone else.

I wouldnt wish him on my worst enemy

[CAT100]

Cat,

 

 

 

One thing I wanted to mention; this man has been sleeping with 3 different women (that you know of, there could be more), if you haven't yet, PLEASE get tested for STD's and encourage the other women to do the same..even if protection was used. Aside from all the other shi**y things this guy has done, the STD issue worries me most since he isn't honest about anything in his life. It scares the crap out of me to think that even if he did use protection with all three of you, there is always the possibility there were other women and that he didn't use protection with one of them. Remember, STD's aren't only transmitted by intercourse, so please get checked out ASAP if you haven't yet.

 

I know how hard this is for you, stay strong, take care of yourself and never, EVER let this man near you again!

 

Thank you

He didnt use protection with anyone

I have had a full check up & am completely clear, so far.

I need to go back soon though as some things take up to 3 months to show, but am clear for now

Actually makes me sick that he wasnt even careful, just shows he doesnt give a f**k