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It's Over. In Pain.


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I have just recently had a very intense affair end and am having a hard time. From reading many posts, I know that there are people on here who have been hurt by affairs, as I have once before. By posting I mean no disrespect. I have few friends that I am willing to discuss this with, none really. I am only looking for some honest responses that will hopefully help me get past some of the pain. I know what I did was morally wrong and I apologize if it brings back painful memories for some.

 

The affair: It lasted two years, nine months. We met through work and were making love within two weeks. At the time, I had been in a serious relationship and living with the same woman for six years. She had been married for just under two years but had been with the same man for seven years. I know it’s a cliché on this board, but there was something special between us. After a week of knowing each other we went on a double-date with our spouses and after the date, once alone with our spouses, both spouses made comments to us saying how we were perfect for each other. (Who does that?) That sounds ridiculous reading it back to myself but it happened. From there the relationship only grew more intense. We ate breakfast, lunch and worked together five days a week. We were together from seven in the morning until six-thirty in the evening and convinced our spouses that we needed to work together on Sundays too. This lasted for over two years. Six days a week. Obviously our spouses started to object and question certain things. Her husband checked phone records and busted us for how often we talked. He caught us meeting outside of work on Saturdays when we weren’t supposed to and said we could not spend so much time together. That lasted for a short while but soon we were spending as much time together as ever. Eventually, her husband got undeniable proof by way of electronics. It was terrible. He kicked her out of the house. He told my SO. After a month of being out of her house he let her come home. We saw each other at work only after that and continued all aspects of PA. This lasted about three months, after which she did not renew her contract. We no longer work together. We have communicated by phone and email erratically.

 

From very early in the affair we talked about leaving our SO’s. We did not for a couple reasons. She is from a traditional family with a strong sense of culture that basically forbids divorce, short of abuse. I was always afraid that I would not be able to make her happy, as her husband makes an obscene amount of money. She comes from humble beginnings but has grown used to that lifestyle. She swore it would not matter but I had/have my insecurities.

 

My problem: I still love her. I ache. Even if you were to show me in a crystal ball a future where we had gotten together and everything fell apart, I would still go with her right now. She says that she still loves me but is trying with her husband in order to not destroy her parents. She says that if she tries and she just can’t, then she wants to be with me. I have no delusions that this will ever happen. I believe she will be pregnant very soon and never leave him, yet I cannot stop thinking about her. I cannot stop hurting and hoping. I have terrible petty thoughts where I hope her SO leaves her. I was emailing her once every few days but have stopped and gone NC for two weeks. But I feel like I am dying inside. I break down sobbing at random times. I feel like I will never be as happy as I was with her.

 

Questions:

 

1. How do I stop thinking about her?

 

2. After two years nine months of confessing love, making love and discussing a future together, how can she go back to her husband? How can she build a relationship after that? (She has denied to him that there was ever anything physical between us, despite the information he gathered. And they have not talked about the affair at all. Supposedly.)

 

3. How do I stop feeling like it all meant nothing?

 

4. How can he take her back suspecting (knowing, after everything he gathered) she hasn’t told him everything?

 

5. If she did call me, do you think there would ever be any chance of us working out?

 

Sorry for the long post. I am dying inside. Responses would be greatly appreciated.

 

p.s. How does one figure out all the abbreviations?

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High Plains Drifter

 

1. How do I stop thinking about her?

 

2. After two years nine months of confessing love, making love and discussing a future together, how can she go back to her husband? How can she build a relationship after that? (She has denied to him that there was ever anything physical between us, despite the information he gathered. And they have not talked about the affair at all. Supposedly.)

 

3. How do I stop feeling like it all meant nothing?

 

4. How can he take her back suspecting (knowing, after everything he gathered) she hasn’t told him everything?

 

5. If she did call me, do you think there would ever be any chance of us working out?

 

Sorry for the long post. I am dying inside. Responses would be greatly appreciated.

 

p.s. How does one figure out all the abbreviations?

 

 

Um..interestingly, you, as I ask the most important question last..so:

 

5. No, I don't think if she's pregnant anything will be "worked out." Water under the bridge. You should have broken things off, and scooped her up BEFORE she was pregnant.

 

4. He can take anything back, if she's carrying his child.

 

3. Time. "Time heals all wounds." Couple of years from now...its history.

 

2. She can go back to her husband because you were a "fling." Accept it and move on.

 

1. How do you stop thinking about her? You don't. Buy a dog. Take up a hobby. Watch pr0n. Whatever..

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Thanks for the reponse. As for question two. A fling? I get that it may be nothing now, but almost three years is a little long to be a fling, no? How does someone move past all that time and just go back to a relationship? Can it work?

 

And as for the other questions, she's not pregnant now. How does a man take a woman back suspecting the worst and knowing his wife hasn't told him everything.

 

Again, thanks for the response, but I was hoping for a little more.

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Hello and welcome. You are in the right place!

 

That was a very well-written post. Nice of you to acknowledge that it might bring painful memories to some. You will find support from us OW/M (other women/men) but what might really surprise you, as it did me, was how many formerly BS (betrayes spouses) will help you too.

 

As you well know, there is no amount of maneuvering that destroys the futility of the A(ffair) unless both partners become single. When my head was awhirl with so many thoughts/feelings, it helped me to keep coming back to that point. Love wasn't our problem. The amount of time we spent wasn't our problem either. My MM (married man) being married to someone else was the problem. In my case, I broke up with him and he has since moved out into his own apartment. I am dating him again now, as he is separated. BTW, he made every effort to get me to see him and only made the big move after I went NC (no contact) and he lost me.

 

Given that she has a conservative family and a rich H, she might not ever leave. Yet she's not so conservative that she was unwilling to have an A! So maybe she will. But I can gaurantee you that she won't leave as long as you're willing to cheat with her.

 

So are you still married?

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What about your wife? Why hasn't she been told the truth yet? Let your wife decide if she wants to stay married to you. I really hope you set her free so she can find love and happiness with another man...Seems as of now, your wife is second fiddle and even if you DO stay married, you'd be settling because all you want is the OW.

 

How does a man take a woman back suspecting the worst and knowing his wife hasn't told him everything.

 

Because he loves her, said vows to her, he created a life with her and wants to give her another chance. Her husband IS a special guy, probably someone who is willing to work hard and try to fix things before throwing in the towel.

 

What about your wife? Reverse this and ask how your wife could take YOU back. Why would she?

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How does a man take a woman back suspecting the worst and knowing his wife hasn't told him everything.

He probably loves her! And I would also assume she begged, pleaded, and minimized the affair.

 

Spin this around: you're wanting her back, even though she's a proven cheater. Why is it hard to imagine that her husband wouldn't forgive her too?

 

PS: Ha. WWIU, you and I were typing the same thing at the same time.

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Thank you Wild Soul and Which Way is Up.

 

WS: You are right about the futility. That's what is killing me most. If she doesn't pick me, then I try to move on. But to feel like it was all nothing is torture. She has said many times that it did mean something, yet without her at my side I still ache and wonder.

 

WWIU: I'm not married, though it's no excuse. I have been with her nine years now. I told her everything. I answered every question she had. I told her that I was in love with the other woman. I did tell her I never expected it to last, but that I loved her. She wants to make it work. She says she thinks she knows me and that I am good and wants to try to make it work. I am very conflicted about this and I suspect you are right about setting her free, though it's not what she wants.

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WS: I'm sure you are right about all those things you mention. Though, even though I would take her in an instant, knowing the sort of man he is, I don't understand how he takes her back. It doesn't seem like he would ever be ok with it. It's probably just petty wishful thinking.

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WWIU: I'm not married, though it's no excuse. I have been with her nine years now. I told her everything. I answered every question she had. I told her that I was in love with the other woman. I did tell her I never expected it to last, but that I loved her. She wants to make it work. She says she thinks she knows me and that I am good and wants to try to make it work. I am very conflicted about this and I suspect you are right about setting her free, though it's not what she wants.

 

Then her reasons are the exact same reasons why this womans husband is taking HER back. That and they said vows to eachother.

 

Honestly, you should end your 9 year relationship, even if she still wants you. It isn't fair to her for you to stay and settle. What do YOU want? If you need to end your relationship to figure things out, DO SO. Don't stay with her to keep her happy, because that's just living a lie, eventually you'll either cheat on her again with this other woman or someone else.

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Don't stay with her to keep her happy, because that's just living a lie, eventually you'll either cheat on her again with this other woman or someone else.

That's really true. As it is now, you'd be ending your relationship on it's own merits, without the perception that you're leaving your GF for another women. Less hurtful than another affair. Then you can go thru all your grieving at once, for the GF and the OW. When you're thru all that, you'd be in a much better space for your next love. :love:

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sad eyes-

I have gone through such a similar situation that it's eerie. Only my MM left his W and moved in with me for 4 months before going back, supposedly at the insistence of his family (who I witnessed saying and doing terrible things to him). Families and their expectations of their loved ones can be powerful motivators, even more motivating than the truest of loves.

All I can tell you is to stay strong and please stay no contact (NC). I have been NC with the MM for 26 days and counting-be proud of every day that you wake up and get moving. It really is a step in the right direction.

Have you tried counseling for yourself? I did and it has (literally) saved my life. Whatever you do, do not try to go through this alone. Involve family, friends, coworkers, clergy, your doctor, this site. Make sure that you can never turn a corner without running into someone who wants to know how you are doing and what they can do to help.

Every day is one more day that you've gotten through. Many of those days will be brutal and the pain will seem like more than you can bear. BUT YOU CAN! Life will go on and the plan that is in place for your life will be revealed to you in time and you will begin to understand why this happened.

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Thanks again WS & WWIU. I know you both are right about ending it with my SO and I have already started the planning for that (rooming with my brother for a while, etc.). I don't know why I haven't done it already other than to say that there is so much pain right now, I haven't exactly been eager to inflict more. But it seems to me that you both think I am making too much of the duration of our affair. I feel like almost three years is an exceptionally long time. We were together for over ten hours a day, six days a week and made love or were somehow physical mostly every day we were together. With that much time together and that sort of closeness, how can one move on completely? It would seem to me that the time and closeness would have to have a major effect on the psyche. I know it has mine. I can't see staying in my relationship. How is it possible to move past that?

 

Smile711: Thank you for your response. I am trying to stay strong. She has given me ways to contact her and I check my email hoping I'll see something from her but I have been strong so far. Though if she responds, I can't promise I won't write back. And, no, I haven't had counselling. I've talked about it with my SO, my lover, and this board. I don't really have anyone else I'll talk with about it.

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From a purely practical standpoint, if she left her H, she would leave with half of an obscene amount of money and assets.

 

Women sometimes have a hard time separating when they can't afford to live on their own. This OW can.

 

That's a bit telling, in and of itself.

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and now I see your posting and I need to say this.

 

If you and she really fit well together, then you will always remember her fondly. If you part with honesty and honor, realizing that it is better for both of you to grow apart then you will heal more quickly. If she has asked you to support her honoring her vow; then out of your love and respect for her DO THAT AND LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

If you "backslide" the healing will take longer....but if she has a child with her husband, you need to realize one thing.

 

This man will ALWAYS be the father of her children and in her life if they have a child. Even if your dreams come true, HE will always be there because his child deserves to have a healthy relationship with his father.

I've written many posts, I was a BW (betrayed wife) and an OW(other woman). In healing from my betrayal I' had an affair with a married man which ended when we both realized that it was not what we needed any more. He returned to his wife, I moved on. My MM (Married Man) died after our affair ended, I didn't even know it until months after he was buried (2005).

 

I still think of him with a smile while I'm doing yoga, or when I see a Harley, and even occasionally when I catch a look from a stranger that has just that glint of wolf.

 

My ex-husband married the OW that he had an emotional affair (EA) with...and now she is part of my children's life. But so am I. They find her annoying, but harmless....and they NEVER will think of her as a mother or even a step-mother. They introduce her as their fathers "2nd wife". Each of them have a mother and a father that have to co-parent together regardless of the death of the marriage.

 

My EX is living a very sad life, not realizing the extent of the damage in his relationships with his children because of her.

 

So here are the questions:

 

Can you and she really look at yourselves in the mirror, and could you introduce her to your mother and explain how you becamed involved without feeling embarrassed?

 

You, as an individual, and she, as an individual, will be able to grow emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually without each other. You can grow apart slowly over time...but it will be easier if you have a reason to grow without her.

 

If I read this correctly you are actually IN another relations? So can your goal be to grow together with your SO? Can you take all of the emotional energy that you are investing in this OW and direct it at the woman that you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Can you pick one thing each day that will draw the two of you closer together and then DO IT?

 

If so, I can tell you that the time will pass more quickly, and you will heal, and your relationship with SO will fill the void left from the affair.

 

I feel for your sadness, I have always had trouble putting the past behind me; I live in the fantasy of a future that I make for myself in my own mind. Much of the sadness that you speak of is about that...YOUR fantasy of a future.

 

Paint a new picture in your mind, one that includes someone other than her. Paint the picture of a happy, healthy, strong man with a passionate relationship with a person that is NOT your current OW.

 

Good luck.

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Women sometimes have a hard time separating when they can't afford to live on their own. This OW can.

Clever point, but we don't know that's true. They might have a prenup.

 

But then again, to play devils advocate, my husband and I had a prenup that meant I left with only my clothes and the belongings I brought into the marriage. Broke as hell (inflation has gone up since last time I was single) but I left anyways. When it was over, I left, even though my financial life was a good deal easier if I'd stayed.

 

If she doesn't have a prenup, that may also be a motivator for her husband to take her back and not seek a D.

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Thank you Lucky One and MourningMM.

 

Lucky: I don't think she even thinks of the fact that she would be entitled to half. I could be wrong. The money thing was mainly my hang up that I couldn't support her like he has.

 

MourningMM: Thanks for your very thoughtful post. I have thought about what you said in terms of directing it toward my SO, and I just cannot. At this point I can only think of my lover. I think in part is has to do with what I was talking about how long we were together. I just can't get past that. I don't understand how anyone can just move on after that much time and closeness and go back to how it was. Please help me understand this. Is it possible?

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WS, she does not have a prenup and he is a business man, so sometimes I think that you may be on to something. It's cynical, but I don't wonder if that's not part of why he stays. And then of course I wonder: IF that's the case, then how long can it last and won't it be terrible because she and I could have been together this whole time. Torture.

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The thing is what you shared with MW was an affair, NOT a real relationship. You two had stolen moments, worked together, had fun times, good feelings. You didn't have daily stresses that hit couples throughout their relationship. All you two had was HIDING it from your own spouses.

 

Neither of you had fights with eachother, I'm sure all the time spent was getting to know eachother and whatever else. You didn't meet friends, families, neighbours, be involved that way.

 

It was 3+ year affair and she chose to go back to her husband.

 

Really read Mourning's reply afew more times.

 

You cannot go back, you can only go forwards. Your affair has changed, everything has changed because it ended. There's alot of pain involved and I would bet my life on it that this woman HAS thrown you under the bus - (Read stampdaddy's threads in this section) and downplayed your affair and what she felt for you TO her husband. Maybe everything changed for her when she saw firsthand the pain she's caused her husband. All that she felt for you could've disappeared because of what it was based on. I hope that makes sense to you.

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One of my best friends and I were talking about if R's can be fixed or not. She recently came out of a 14 year living together sitch (with a man who WAS her soulmate for most of those years.) I recently came out of an 8 year R that included M for 5 of those years. No affairs involved in either of our R's, but we both stopped feeling sexual with our men and various problems led to the end.

 

I really tried to get my M back on track. We did therapy and all that, but the differences were irreconcilable. We had morphed into compatible roommates, no more. There was a point where I realized there was simply no going back. (My xH didn't want to go forward in the ways I did either.) I took my time and exited gracefully, but I left.

 

My friend says the same: there is no going back past a certain point.

 

Now that I've been living away from my xH for 2 years, and now that I've been having white hot sex again with the MM I met last January, there is no way I can see my xH as anything but a good friend. I could never ever have sex or romance again. Our R is something else now (and it's good this way, since the sex was a problem)

 

So if you're taking a poll, then I say no, you can't go back. But I'm sure many will tell you to disregard my opinion as I'm a divorcee who also got involved in an A with a MM.

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WWIU: I understand what you are saying, though we did have daily stress. Often. We work in one of the most stressful fields you can--one that required us to rely on each other daily. I know it's not the same as paying the electric bill, but we both had to be there for each other and had to count on each other for more things than I do at home, honestly. I'd be more explicit but our work but it would reveal too much.

 

I did meet her family. I became close with her friends. We had fights and disagreements many times but always worked them out.

 

But no matter. I am sure you're right about being thrown under the bus. I was a distraction, I guess. I just don't know how someone can move on and block out three years. I can't. I have never been in so much pain.

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WS, she does not have a prenup and he is a business man, so sometimes I think that you may be on to something. It's cynical, but I don't wonder if that's not part of why he stays. And then of course I wonder: IF that's the case, then how long can it last and won't it be terrible because she and I could have been together this whole time. Torture.

Then Lucky One's point is true: she doesn't have a big financial risk if she asks for a D.

 

Stay focused on this: If she wants a D, she will seek one.

 

And not to feed you false hope, but she might need to be without you and suffer in her marriage alone before she decides to leave. If you medicate that pain, there's no way in hell she'd leave.

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WS, I know it's sad but hearing you say you can never go back makes me feel better. Even if I never have her again, it just does. Sad, but that's where I'm at.

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But your 'affair/relationship' was hidden. It wasn't out in the open. It was on the expense of two innocent people, your partners...And, it just can't be compared to a one on one relationship and all that it brings..

 

She has no choice BUT to let go and move on. I'm sure that was something her husband demanded from her. If her marriage is going to work at all, she HAS to move on from you, stay in NC mode and focus on fixing herself and her marriage.

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Thanks all. I'm at the point where I believe there are no answers or that there are a thousand answers and that even if there are answers I shouldn't be worrying about them. It just hurts so bad.

 

I am sincerely grateful to all who replied.

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This man will ALWAYS be the father of her children and in her life if they have a child. Even if your dreams come true, HE will always be there because his child deserves to have a healthy relationship with his father.

 

My ex-husband married the OW that he had an emotional affair (EA) with...and now she is part of my children's life. But so am I. They find her annoying, but harmless....and they NEVER will think of her as a mother or even a step-mother. They introduce her as their fathers "2nd wife". Each of them have a mother and a father that have to co-parent together regardless of the death of the marriage.

 

My EX is living a very sad life, not realizing the extent of the damage in his relationships with his children because of her.

 

With what you posted here, you seem to assert that NO ONE should marry again and step-families are non-existent or should be considered secondary. I am currently blending a family together right now, where my children consider my fiancee their step-dad already and vice versa.

 

I'd say that the single determining factor in a child's view of their parent comes directly from the other parent. Perhaps your children's R with their dad has been just as damaged by your attitude toward him and his W.

 

It makes no matter to me that my fiancee has children and that he will be coparenting. That is part of marrying someone with children. If that's supposed to be a threat, she/he'll always be part of their life, it's not a very good one. It's a given, although, I'd venture to say (being a divorcee) that the other parent is not part of your life, they are part of your children's life.

 

I don't see how he is living a sad life. Does he seem unhappy? Children and parents don't get along often and it waxes and wanes. You've said yourself they find her harmless and annoying. Maybe he's actually happy. And you're the one who's annoyed by it.

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