Emotional connection since high school

[Melsue]

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an old high school flame with whom I have had an emotional connection with for years. Kinda like one of those situations where you don't see each other for years, but you pick up right where you left off.

 

Long story short, I am not willing to destroy my life by pursuing anything with him other than a friendship, and believe he feels the same way. We are both married to people we went to high school with and were all friends during high school. He was actually best friends with my husband. And, because of the complexity of the situation, don't desire to pursue anything with one another that would jeopardize our marriages and friendships.

 

However, I do have this burning desire to know whether or not I am crazy in feeling like there is a connection between us still to this day. I know it's really pretty silly, but I have always felt such a connection and have had physical encounters with him in the past. I guess I want validation that I was not just a fling and that there really was something there between us.

 

I would really like some feedback. 10 years ago, at our 10-year high school reunion, there was a physical encounter between me and him (I was not married at the time, but he was). It always left me with unresolved feelings and questions. We recently all became reconnected again after not seeing each other for almost 10 years. We have been spending time together as married couples and really having a good time together. I have been feeling a little uneasy as he and I both know what happened 10 years ago, but his wife doesn't. And, she has become quite attached to me as a friend. After our recent encounter, I wrote an e-mail to him under the guise of wanting his wife's e-mail address just to feel him out as to how he was feeling about how things went over the weekend.

 

He wrote that it was nice being with us. That he saw shy we were all friends when we were younger. Said that my husband was still goofy, but one of the nicest people around. And then said that I was "just plain awesome." That I am good for my husband and that we can hopefully keep it together. Telling me to make my husband talk to me and that he would hate to see anything happen to us as a couple. That if I wanted him to, he would say some things to him and give him an earful as to how awesome I am. And, ended it with "thanks for being a great friend."

 

Even though there is nothing remotely suggestive within the e-mail he sent to me, I really got the impression that we both still had that connection, and that by him "helping me in my marriage" that was his way of saying he still cared.

 

Am I crazy??? I would love any feedback anyone has to offer. Thanks!

 

Melsue:love:

[wildsoul]

Why does it matter to you if he felt the same connection to you or not?

• If he didn't feel the same, it doesn't mean you're crazy.
  
• If he did feel something, it's still 10 years ago and better to let sleeping dogs lie.
  
• If you're digging around because you STILL feel something and are hoping he does too, then you're going to wreck your marriages. I don't think that's crazy, but it sure is destructive.
  
• 
  

Sounds like he's trying to keep it platonic while you're trying make it an affair. Telling him about your marriage woes is a type of seduction to give him a green light and form a private intimacy. If you really respected him as a friend, you wouldn't continue these seductions. He has said he wants to honor his marriage. A friend would not try to seduce him into betraying the values he wants to hold.

[LakesideDream]

Oh wow.... You have no idea how big a can of worms you are opening... hell dynamiting open. I do. I have lived it for the last nearly eight years. It can be more difficult than you can imagine.

 

What you have now is a huge need to experiance what you have dreamed about for years.

 

I've been going through what you are contemplating doing for the past seven plus years. There have been a few super high's, and an awful lot of very depressing periods. Even after all these years (almost 8) my situation isn't resolved.

 

Tread very carefully. You are on the brink of a putting a life changing situation into motion, if you haven't already.

 

Good luck, you need it.

[whichwayisup]

It doesn't matter what he feels now or doesn't feel. You both are married and digging backwards into your past this way is playing a dangerous game..ON the expense of your husband (and children if you have any.). I'm not sure why it matters to you so much, an ego feed? Wanting to know that he wants you, even though you're both married? It just isn't cool to do this...You're asking for trouble! Just go read threads in this section.

[2sunny]

stop the inappropriate conversations while you can.

 

this is very dangerous to your marriage. you are disrespecting your husband by betraying him while giving private info to the friend.

 

any concerns should only be shared with your husband. that will fix it more than a third party.

 

you know deep down that in sharing the info with the friend that the intention is to build a bond that will allow him to feel "closer" to you than is appropriate for married people.

 

highly manipulative on your part if you are brutally honest with yourself. and selfishly motivated i might add. you are looking for ego strokes... get them from your husband.

 

are these qualities that you want yourself to be referred as? probably not- if you are a decent person. would you want your husband giving another gal private info regarding your relationship/marriage? probably not!

 

just allow him to understand that you have been inappropriate and will take any concerns to your husband to work on them privately.

 

do not allow yourself any alone time with him at all. do not do e-mail or text with him. deal with his wife directly if you need to set up social plans.

 

appreciate them as another couple to enjoy an evening out with. beware of your boundaries and decency at all times.

[jj33]

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an old high school flame with whom I have had an emotional connection with for years. Kinda like one of those situations where you don't see each other for years, but you pick up right where you left off.

 

Long story short, I am not willing to destroy my life by pursuing anything with him other than a friendship, and believe he feels the same way. We are both married to people we went to high school with and were all friends during high school. He was actually best friends with my husband. And, because of the complexity of the situation, don't desire to pursue anything with one another that would jeopardize our marriages and friendships.

 

However, I do have this burning desire to know whether or not I am crazy in feeling like there is a connection between us still to this day. I know it's really pretty silly, but I have always felt such a connection and have had physical encounters with him in the past. I guess I want validation that I was not just a fling and that there really was something there between us.

 

I would really like some feedback. 10 years ago, at our 10-year high school reunion, there was a physical encounter between me and him (I was not married at the time, but he was). It always left me with unresolved feelings and questions. We recently all became reconnected again after not seeing each other for almost 10 years. We have been spending time together as married couples and really having a good time together. I have been feeling a little uneasy as he and I both know what happened 10 years ago, but his wife doesn't. And, she has become quite attached to me as a friend. After our recent encounter, I wrote an e-mail to him under the guise of wanting his wife's e-mail address just to feel him out as to how he was feeling about how things went over the weekend.

 

He wrote that it was nice being with us. That he saw shy we were all friends when we were younger. Said that my husband was still goofy, but one of the nicest people around. And then said that I was "just plain awesome." That I am good for my husband and that we can hopefully keep it together. Telling me to make my husband talk to me and that he would hate to see anything happen to us as a couple. That if I wanted him to, he would say some things to him and give him an earful as to how awesome I am. And, ended it with "thanks for being a great friend."

 

Even though there is nothing remotely suggestive within the e-mail he sent to me, I really got the impression that we both still had that connection, and that by him "helping me in my marriage" that was his way of saying he still cared.

 

Am I crazy??? I would love any feedback anyone has to offer. Thanks!

 

Melsue:love:

 

The answers to your question are all in your post. He CLEARLY doesnt want to be anything more than your friend. Over the course of our lives there are people who care about us, people with whom we develop a nice emotional connection sometimes a very strong emotional connection. That is called friendship.

 

Why oh why would you feel the need to make more of it when he is clearly signalling you that he cares about you and thinks you are great but you are FRIENDS he is married you are married and he respects the boundaries.

 

You are looking for trouble, turning over stones to see if there is any hope of finding trouble underneath them and finding none looking some more.

 

Obviously you are not happy in your marriage. You are feeling unappreciated your friend gets that. But he does not want to be your temporary fix or "solution".

 

Your opportunity now is to look at why you feel the need to find validation elsewhere. What is lacking in your marriage and how you can fix things with your husband.

 

You would do yourself and your friend a great disservice if you continue on this path of trying to make more of his FRIENDLY overtures.

 

Dont drag him into your discontent. Its not the friendly thing to do. You would be using him and even if you try to push the boundaries and create an emotional affair, you will be causing confusion and guilt for him even if he has no intent in breaking boundaries. Why would you want to do that to a friend?

 

I hope you are able to find answers for yourself that will bring you more peace.

[blueberry]

Even though there is nothing remotely suggestive within the e-mail he sent to me, I really got the impression that we both still had that connection, and that by him "helping me in my marriage" that was his way of saying he still cared.

 

Am I crazy??? I would love any feedback anyone has to offer. Thanks!

 

Melsue:love:

 

 

Sorry Melsue, but you are reading into it. I think it's quite easy to remember all the feelings we had for an old flame. You were young, carefree, and with the whole world waiting for you - being young and in love is always such a heady-time.

 

When you reconnect years later, all that excitement and headiness comes flooding back. But it's only a romantic memory and you have to leave it where it is - in the past.

 

About 6 months ago, my first love (and lover) moved over to London and we are now living together plutonically. Initially we were both nervous about it and had long talks before he made the move.

 

Since he has, we have found that we work together now on an entirely different level. Neither of us have desires to be lovers again, and have a fantastic friendship - almost akin to siblings. He's my best friend.

 

Anyway I digress - my point is you have to let sleeping dogs lie. And sometimes as in my situ, you can gain a really great friend.

 

In his email to you he is clearly stating that he admires you greatly but that time has moved on. He is wishing you well, not asking for anything more other than a plutonic friendship. Remember him fondly but don't instigate any further encounters.

[bentnotbroken]

Leave it alone. It would be easier to go drink poison and a lot faster.

[oldguy]

I agree with the rest of the posts here and would add; maybe becoming closer to his wife will help you to see the big picture here. It also sounds like you and your husband have some issues that may be causing you to feel this attraction to an old flame. Weather or not that is the case getting anyone but a qualified counselor involved is a huge mistake, you are too vulnerable.

[Lucky_One]

A whole lot of men cheat. If he had wanted an EMA with you 10 years ago when you kissed or whatever at your reunion, he knew how to get in touch with you and he knew that you were single and available. The simple fact that he let 10 years go by without maintaining this "emotional connection" should be good enough for you to realize that he might not be feeling the same "emotional connection" that you do.

 

His words are telling you that he doesn't want anything else.

 

Personally, I would back away from the foursome hanging out at all. You sound as though you get very emotionally involved without a lot of encouragement, and you will hyperanalyze every spousal interaction between the two of them, and then start pumping his wife/your friend for information.

 

You are just breeding discontent in yourself.

[Owl]

Here's the deal...you KNOW you're attracted to him beyond the bounds of friendship.

 

Given that...you KNOW that any continued contact with him is going to run a serious risk to your marriage and his.

 

Are you willing to risk putting your husband through the most serious emotional devestation you can imagine? Are you ready to put his wife through the same risk?

 

End contact with him completely. Thank him for his communication, tell him that you're not comfortable continuing to communicate like this, and END IT before it becomes more than you're ready to deal with.

 

This may sound harsh...but its the best way to prevent this from getting out of control.

[blueberry]

Are you willing to risk putting your husband through the most serious emotional devestation you can imagine? Are you ready to put his wife through the same risk?

 

This may sound harsh...but its the best way to prevent this from getting out of control.

 

 

No disrespect, but I feel some of you are missing the point.

 

Melsue was asking whether we thought she was reading too much into his email. And she was. He's not keen. Fact.

[Owl]

Perhaps I am missing the point...

 

But whether or not there was anything in that email is IRRELEVENT.

 

Its HER feelings on the subject that are generating a risk she needs to do something about. Not his.

 

Speculating on whether or not he feels the same way is just feeding those feelings, and increasing the risk.

 

Does this make my response a little more understandable now?

[2sure]

This man is being so nice and polite to you. He sees that you are looking for something from him - a confidant at the very least. Not returning the interest, but trying to be a gentleman, he refers you to talk more with your husband. Because of the past encounter you shared, and his fear of this being disclosed in some way, he is probably wanting to keep as friendly as possible with you so you have no reason to feel scorned.

 

By emailing him under the pretext you describe, you are intruding. Should you continue, there is a possibility his wife will discover your email and see right through your pretext.

 

Is the mere idea that he might be mildly attracted to you so important to you that you would put this couple in an uncomfortable situation?

 

Classy.

[stillafool]

I think he suspects you still have a "crush" on him and is trying to let you know in a nice way he isn't interested in anything more than friendship.

[Melsue]

Clearly, I did not explain the situation very well. But, it is neither here nor there. I would never in a million years act on my feelings (or fantasizing), but there is more history to the situation than told in my initial thread.

 

He and my husband were best friends since high school. Lost contact for a little while -- I ended up reconnecting with my husband at our 20-year reunion - and marrying him. At the 10-year reunion the one I shared the recent e-mailing with cheated on his wife with me (unbeknownst to me at the time), after several years of us having encounters before that during high school. We all 4 have recently become reconnected through the e-mailer and my husband who have reconnected their friendship. And, not only did I not confide in him about my "marriage woes," but never even indicated whatsoever that we've ever had issues. I spoke to his wife about it just briefly - so she must have mentioned it to him.

 

Yes, I was looking for an ego booster I suppose in knowing that I can have the admiration of someone outside my marriage. Everyone fantasizes. I think you all are being a little overreactive in the sense that I have no desire to act on it -- I love my husband, I enjoy my friendship with the e-mailer's wife -- but I just liked thinking that we still have that connection just for ego and for the validation that he did care about me.

 

I just wanted to get some validation, I guess, from people out there who are in touch with their feelings and emotions and understand that it's okay to fantasize, but not actually act on that feeling. To know, that everyone has times when marriage is hard, and to have that little glimmer of being appreciated again is nice. I guess I misunderstood what posting a thread under this topic was about.

 

Thank you for your feedback.

[2sure]

 

After our recent encounter, I wrote an e-mail to him under the guise of wanting his wife's e-mail address just to feel him out as to how he was feeling about how things went over the weekend.

 

This IS you acting on it.

 

 

 

Telling me to make my husband talk to me and that he would hate to see anything happen to us as a couple. That if I wanted him to, he would say some things to him and give him an earful as to how awesome I am. And, ended it with "thanks for being a great friend."

 

 

And this is him seeing right through above described "guise" .

[blueberry]

Speculating on whether or not he feels the same way is just feeding those feelings, and increasing the risk.

 

Does this make my response a little more understandable now?

 

 

Exactly what I am saying, Owl. She shouldn't be speculating at all. He's not interested.

 

Perhaps we both understand each other now, non?...

[blueberry]

 

Yes, I was looking for an ego booster I suppose in knowing that I can have the admiration of someone outside my marriage. Everyone fantasizes.

 

I just wanted to get some validation, I guess, from people out there who are in touch with their feelings and emotions and understand that it's okay to fantasize, but not actually act on that feeling.

 

I guess I misunderstood what posting a thread under this topic was about.

 

Thank you for your feedback.

 

 

Woah, woah...back up the love bus a little Melsue!

 

You wanted to get some validation that he has more than plutonic feelings for you - and you got it. A lot of us seem to feel that he sounds like a lovely man but who has no intentions of taking it any further.

 

Fantasize/daydream all you like, there is no harm in it really and it's perfectly normal. Just don't go looking for something that isn't there.

 

That's all some of us are saying (I know that's what I am saying at least). If it hurts, well then, so be it - but's not intended maliciously.

[carhill]

At the 10-year reunion the one I shared the recent e-mailing with cheated on his wife with me (unbeknownst to me at the time), after several years of us having encounters before that during high school.

 

Can I assume the "his wife" then is his wife now? Hmmm...

 

I seriously doubt this can evolve to a platonic "connection", given your history and the relationship dynamics. Anything is possible

 

Curious....do you seek any ego strokes from your other couple friends? How does that go? Perhaps ego stroke is a bit disingenuous....maybe outside validation might be more applicable....

 

I understand completely your desire for being "appreciated" I've experienced a situation similar to LakesideDream's for many years. It's only been through intensive MC and introspection that I've come to see that "connection" and my role for what they really are. I hope that for you, as well as a healthy continuation of your marriage

[2sure]

Melsue -

 

Your feelings are always valid.

It is nice to have a little secret crush, maybe especially with someone you can interact with regularly.

Should you want to pursue this - there are people here who will tell you to go for it. Just say it.

 

But you havent said that. You asked if it seemed like he felt the same. It doesnt, but hey, thats just my opinion.

 

If you are upset with his reaction now or in the future, post it here and you will find support for that as well.

 

Ive posted on here with problems of my own - and gotten plenty of food for thought.

You can always "shop" for the answer you want, if that feels better!

 

I meant no malciousness Melsue.

[Owl]

Fantasize/daydream all you like, there is no harm in it really and it's perfectly normal. Just don't go looking for something that isn't there.

 

This where we're still disagreeing.

 

Its HER emotions that are damaging to her marriage...not her old high school chum's.

 

Indulging in this little fantasy is exactly what will keep her removed and not investing in her marriage.

 

That's why I've said IT DOESN'T MATTER whether or not he feels the same way...you seem to think it doesn't matter since he doesn't reciprocate her feelings...that's totally different.

 

What SHE feels matters. What SHE spends her time daydreaming/fantasizing about is what will impact her marriage. He could be sitting there drooling himself silly about fantasies of being with her...as long as they're not contacting each other, as long as she's not emotionally investing in him...that doesn't matter one little bit.

 

Its HER fantasy that's dangerous here.

 

Lets put this back as a comparison to your own situation.

 

You know that your MM still wants you back. But that doesn't matter to you now...because YOU have decided to move on.

 

See the parallel?

 

YOUR emotions mattered...not his. How YOU react matters...not what he does.

 

Same thing in this instance.

[whichwayisup]

but not actually act on that feeling

 

But you are, by keeping intouch with him through email. You are, because you've admitted that you have an emotional connection to him. THOSE feelings, if fed, will develop into something more and THAT is unhealthy for your marriage. This is what everyone is trying to point out to you.

[Melsue]

I totally get it. I liked what 2sure said about "shopping" for the right answer. I guess that is what I was doing. Thanks for all your feedback.

 

Honestly, I have no intention of acting on it. I am not a very good communicator, and the intention of me posting here was quite different from the responses I have gotten, but it would take too much time and typing to explain! In any event, I appreciate all your caring words and warnings. I really do love my husband, have no intention of ever e-mailing the other guy again, and do intend on remaining friends with the wife. In fact, the recent interaction with the other guy has made me love my husband even more and have a feeling of more respect for myself.

 

Thanks all!