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No longer the OW...I can breathe...


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I can finally breathe.....for circumstances out of my control, I am NO LONGER THE OTHER WOMAN. And I feel relief, anger, sadness.

Probably because I was not the one that ended things.

I no longer want to know what the hell happened, because I can ask til I'm blue in the face, and it serves no purpose, 'cause when I asked my x-mm to please explain it to me, well, he just can't.

So, I've decided that he can kiss my purty little hiney, and be gone!

My life apparently was not meant to be tied to someone that had such little regard for me and my well being...I can do bad all by myself!

I no longer care what he's doing, thinking or where he is....I have simply decided that whatever we had was not meant to be.

Don't get me wrong, this all just happened yesterday but I've had 5 weeks of NC to think, and this is where it has lead me to.

I know that I had a part in the A, and I really wish that I had not even participated, but I can't go back and change things, I can only go forward, and make better choices.

It was getting to be a bit too much anyway...after 3 years of doing this, I am pretty fed up that I had to spend holidays, and birthdays alone. And all for what?!

This breakup is not like anything has changed between us, I'm still living in another state from him, and I still have to do things by myself...no difference.

It's just now I don't have to account for my time...it's all mine, and if and when I want to talk to ANYONE, I am now free to do so.

I won't EVER put myself in this predicament again...it's just too hard, draining, and deceitful, and I can't see me here in this dark, sad place again...CAN'T do it!

I know that I'll have days when I'll cry again, and miss our times, but so what?! He doesn't care anymore, so why should I?!

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you are where i was just a couple of months ago. my affair lasted 9 months so not too long thank god. i think the wake up call was christmas time, he wasnt with me. and after 4 months it was a case that if he really did love me then he would be with me.

after christmas i started withdrawing and it took another 5 months to finish and i think he knew it. he'd throw out little baits like, we have a chance, i love you, i need you etc etc. BUT i decided it was just words.

if the roles were reversed i know i would have done anything and everything to be with him, gotten seperated or divorced, i even contemplated leaving my young boys, luckily it was just a thought.

i felt i was wrung out and left with bits and pieces and i wanted so much more.

now i think i had a lucky escape and yes, i sometimes wonder if he thinks of me or misses me but i'm moving on and not just getting on with things but actually living my life againa nd taking joy in the small silly things, eg my kids' acheivements, my own goals.

keep strong, you can do it if you really want to :)

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Kudos to both of you! I will be glad when I reach the point you each have attained. I was doing pretty well until yesterday and today - major setbacks as I received e-mails from xMM and responded to them. I hope no more e-mails are exchanged and I can move on with my life.

 

I don't think I put my life on hold for xMM as my R with him ended soon after I separated. I could see that happening, though, if it had not ended when it did. It still hurts, at times, to realize xMM could so easily walk away from a R.

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I know, it hurts like hell, but I think that on some level, we all knew that these men are cowards. I mean don't get me wrong, we were ALL wrong to be invovled with someone that is married, however it does not change that fact that these men (or women) are selfish children.

I'm sorry that 3 years of my life has been spent on someone so undeserving, but hey. lesson learned.

I think that my lesson here is this.....I no longer will trust what is in front of me, I'll ask questions, and most important of all...I'll trust my gut instincts. All that glitters is NOT gold.

Take one day at a time, one step at a time, we're in this place together, the key is to not stay there too long, life goes on.

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We should have the same standards for the men in our lives that we do for the people we choose as our friends.

 

We wouldn't fight tooth and nail to hold onto a friendship if that person were making us feel anxious and upset all the time, if we had to constantly quesiton their actions and motives, if we weren't sure they were telling us the truth, if we knew they were deceiving their partner and sneaking around behind their back in order to see us, would we? So why do that for a MM?

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We should have the same standards for the men in our lives that we do for the people we choose as our friends.

 

We wouldn't fight tooth and nail to hold onto a friendship if that person were making us feel anxious and upset all the time, if we had to constantly quesiton their actions and motives, if we weren't sure they were telling us the truth, if we knew they were deceiving their partner and sneaking around behind their back in order to see us, would we? So why do that for a MM?

 

 

I KNOW that's right! I'll dump a shifty *friend* in a NY MiNUTE. LOL.

 

Hindsight IS 20/20, though. Its hard to see this in the moment.

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I think that my lesson here is this.......I'll trust my gut instincts. All that glitters is NOT gold.

 

this is so true, and a wonderful thing to have learned, despite the heartache. I was in a similar situation for over 3yrs, that i ended one month ago almost to the day, and i really have to say it feels better and better. we were both M but come to find out, he had another secret life besides the one with me. Other OW. I discovered this and ended it. Never looked back.

 

But my point is that I had this inkling in my gut - the entire time i knew this man i wondered if he were honest, if i could trust him, and always was suspicious that perhaps he was doing this with other women besides me. Of course though i told myself i was being paranoid. talked myself OUT of believing my own instincts. Until finally one day - bam, i discovered his secret world and by total accident - hidden for god knows how long by lies. It DID hurt like hell - i felt so fooled. so stupid. But the one thing that i have taken from all this is that i have a very keen gut instinct that something is off, and i will never ignore that again. It took all this time i guess to hone that instinct. But it has given my life back.

Like your thread title says, "I can breath again."

I can not tell you how much difference a month makes once you completely cut that cord and move on. It's suddenly not so special anymore once the scales fall from your eyes and you can see them for who they really are. you realize that there's not that much to mourn afterall, and feel in a way, FREE

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Funny you should bring up the one month timeline, miss tee! It has been 5 weeks since MM left and 27 days with NC. I never would have thought that I would make it this far if you had asked me a few weeks ago. Nothing but friends and family and the grace of God has gotten me thru it. I am starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel-just a glimmer, but it's there where there was nothing before. I go a few hours without thinking of him and I can't believe it! I never thought I would stop thinking about him 24/7. The cliches are true. Time does heal.

 

Deegee, I agree totally with you about the cowards comment. I did wrong and I know it. I have admitted and apologized to those affected. He is still withholding information and laughing about his IC appointments. He might have left me, but he'll realize some day that I grew into an even better person with him gone. I'm finding me and figuring out what and who I need in my life. Cut out the excess-be with those who put you first and treat you right. This WILL get better-I promise. There will be gut-wrenching days and nights but I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. HANG IN THERE!

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Thanks Smile,

 

I know that these men were here to somehow teach us a lesson, and I kinda feel sorry for them,' cause I know that (just like you...)I will be a much better person with him gone in my life. Too bad they're just too selfish to realize just how awesome we are.

I DO realize that I'll have those awful days of crying, but I know that with each passing day, it gets a little easier.

You're right, it's time to surround myself with positive, loving people.

Thank you for your words of wisdom, and your support. It's nice to know that we're not in this alone.

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it gets to the stage where you dont think about him every moment, every day. its true, i feel i can breathe now and for myself.i never thought it would get easier but it has.

 

anyway i dont want someone who has been kicked out or rejected because of deception, i want someone who takes the initiative and makes things happen. mind you, i dont want anybody really.

 

i think i fell hard and fast for him because of the connection years ago but maybe more the fact he was unattainable. he was safe to love because he couldnt be with me 24/7.

 

i dont hate him, anger has past. i want him to be happy (or rather i would like himto be happy) but if he isnt, hey, thats not my problem.

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