Jump to content

Furtive Glances Across the Office


Recommended Posts

Help!

 

Has anyone got any bright ideas on how to go about NC in an office?

 

Its really hard :(

 

We are in direct line of sight - albeit from about 30 metres. Neither of us will leave our jobs. Neither of us can move desks.

 

He keeps asking me out for lunches as he "doesn't want to throw away our friendship" - I keep saying no. I feel like he is losing interest (a good thing, although it does hurt), but every time I look up, there he is, looking over with a sad look on his face.

 

I don't want to hurt him, but remaining "mates" is doing my head in.

 

Grrr. I've just stuck my earphones in because I can hear (and see) him joking and laughing with the office sl*t. Then he instant messaged me saying "wow - she is crazy, but really really funny".

 

WTF?

 

I just remain professional, yes? But not overly friendly?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You may need to get HR involved.

 

Tell him point blank that ALL communication going forward be work related between the two of you. NO more personal communication between the two of you...EVER.

 

You have to be BRUTALLY up front with him, or he won't get it.

 

Tell him that if he continues, you'll contact HR. Make it clear that this is a LINE IN THE SAND...if he crosses it, he'll suffer for it.

 

Anything less isn't going to work.

 

Frankly, this is why NC doesn't work when the affair partners work together. Typically, one or the other of them HAS TO seek employment elsewhere...there's no going back once that line has been crossed.

 

You can try to remain where you're at, but the odds are high this is going to continue until one or the other of you no longer work at the same place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're doing a good job at NC! I'm sure there are days you'll want to cave, but try not to. If it just seems to get harder for you, you may have to make some sacrifices and try to be moved or something. As far as him laughing with the office sl*t, and then him telling you about it, its part of his ploy to make you jealous, overlook it, and know you're above all that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

Tell him that if he continues, you'll contact HR. Make it clear that this is a LINE IN THE SAND...if he crosses it, he'll suffer for it.

 

.

 

 

mmm.... that seems a little harsh non? If i felt harrassed by him, then perhaps.

 

But, I don't feel harrassed.

 

Just in-love and a bit like the kid that didn't get the candy. I can appreciate that its hard for us both.

 

But its certainly food for thought. And if he gets any more full-on then perhaps that is an option I would look into.

 

I'm at that awkward stage where i *really* want him to contact me - and at the same time I *really* DON'T want him to contact me, you know?

 

Awkward days....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
As far as him laughing with the office sl*t, and then him telling you about it, its part of his ploy to make you jealous, overlook it, and know you're above all that.

 

 

I kinda thought that too. Its almost flattering - in an really annoying way :o.

 

Messing with my head though - not healthy.

 

He's just left the office. Said goodbye to everyone and walked out without saying goodbye to me.

 

Good - yet heart wrenching.

Link to post
Share on other sites
mmm.... that seems a little harsh non? If i felt harrassed by him, then perhaps.

 

But, I don't feel harrassed.

 

Just in-love and a bit like the kid that didn't get the candy. I can appreciate that its hard for us both.

 

But its certainly food for thought. And if he gets any more full-on then perhaps that is an option I would look into.

 

I'm at that awkward stage where i *really* want him to contact me - and at the same time I *really* DON'T want him to contact me, you know?

 

Awkward days....

 

I can understand where you're at.

 

And I know this might seem harsh...but you're seeing why NC after an office affair is pretty much impossible.

 

Here's the thing. You're going to STAY in that "in love" stage for as long as the two of you are still working together and have any kind of interaction.

 

You're not going to move on. You're not going to move forward...you're not going to recover.

 

And neither will he.

 

And you're going to stay in this state until you get angry about the whole situation, and opt to do something about it.

 

Keep my advice/suggestion in mind when you get to that point...perhaps it will seem less harsh and more useful then.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you opt to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Here's the thing. You're going to STAY in that "in love" stage for as long as the two of you are still working together and have any kind of interaction.

 

Keep my advice/suggestion in mind when you get to that point...perhaps it will seem less harsh and more useful then.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you opt to do.

 

That what I am afraid of. I can't see my feelings going away any time soon. Every morning is a nightmare - how do I look, do I look fat in this skirt - yadda yadda yadda :(

 

Its pathetic.

 

Thanks Owl - I appreciate your PoV, you've hit the nail on the head. I've got good friends in HR so I can perhaps take it off site and have a private conversation about the official side of the road.

 

Why oh why did I ever let this start. Its only been a 6-month affair, so I guess I'm lucky to have "seen the light" and ended it before it got any messier.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You do seem too concerned about not hurting him. Hello, he has no problem playing a game with you. He knows it hurts and bugs you that he is flirting with someone else, playing it up and then telling you about it. It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels, what counts now is what YOU think and feel.

 

Ignore him. Yes, I understand you want his attention, want him to call/email you, but by doing that, you're playing the cat/mouse game, the ego game. Let it go..

 

Focus on work stuff. ONLY talk to him about work and professional issues - NO personal chit-chat. Do NC in your head as well. When you see him, go the other way. Who cares if it's obvious to him..You need to think about your comfort level at work so this crap doesn't interfer with your job.

 

Also, you do not want to be the office gossip. Stay detached, do not talk to him, reply to ANY of his messages, again UNLESS it is about work related issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are concerned at all about hurting him DONT go to HR. Dont get HR involved at all it could hurt YOU in some way in the future. HR is supposed to be your friend but they are the employers friend not yours.

 

Talk to him tell him you are sorry to let the friendship lapse but for now that is your best coping mechanism and you want to handle it between the 2 of you as adults but he HAS to respect your wishes. Perhaps in time in a year or so you can be friends but for now it has to be as you set it out.

 

If he still keeps it up tell him you dont want to hurt him but if he doesnt stop you will have to take more action.

 

MM has been inviting me to lunch and dinner and such lately and I just tell him I am sorry I am busy. Its awkward but its how it has to be. Nothing that is not required for business.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If you are concerned at all about hurting him DONT go to HR. Dont get HR involved at all it could hurt YOU in some way in the future. HR is supposed to be your friend but they are the employers friend not yours.

 

Talk to him tell him you are sorry to let the friendship lapse but for now that is your best coping mechanism and you want to handle it between the 2 of you as adults but he HAS to respect your wishes. Perhaps in time in a year or so you can be friends but for now it has to be as you set it out.

 

If he still keeps it up tell him you dont want to hurt him but if he doesnt stop you will have to take more action.

 

MM has been inviting me to lunch and dinner and such lately and I just tell him I am sorry I am busy. Its awkward but its how it has to be. Nothing that is not required for business.

 

I can never see why there is any reason to involve HR unless there is bitterness spilling over into harassment.

 

Two supposedly responsible adults that started an office affair SHOULD be able to resolve it in an adult way themselves or they would be better to not indulge in the first place.

 

You can't decide to cross the boundaries in the worklplace and then expect to be able to run crying to HR when you aren't comfortable with the inevitable fallout.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why is it out of the question for you to possibly move to another area? Or another department etc? Sometimes for the sake of your own sanity and well being, you have to do what is best for you and if that means bending over backwards for yourself to make sure you're away from the very person or the very thing that bothers you, tempting you etc, then that's what you have to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MM has been inviting me to lunch and dinner and such lately and I just tell him I am sorry I am busy.

jj33, are these private lunches/dinners? If so, I think you need to tell him once and for all that you will not meet with him for any non-business socializing and to stop asking you. Saying you're busy makes it sound like he should keep asking you out. Also, saying "sorry" makes it sound like you give a rat's tail about disappointing him IMHO.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two supposedly responsible adults that started an office affair SHOULD be able to resolve it in an adult way themselves or they would be better to not indulge in the first place

 

This is contradictory. If they were truly responsible adults able to act in an adult way...they never would have started the office affair in the first place.

 

Since they did...its a safe bet that they're NOT going to be able to settle this amicably between them.

 

Odds are high that this is ONLY going to 'go away' when one or the other finally work up the gumption to actually leave. Until then, this is going to keep going, and going, and going...

Link to post
Share on other sites
torranceshipman

This is what I did and it worked 100% fine for me! I was happy to discuss work related stuff at any time of the workday and there were many times when it was just me and him, but I didnt care as I'd made my decision and he knew what that was. He asked to go for a drink etc after work, or to go out and get lunch together, and all that was answered with 'no thanks' as it wasnt essential work stuff. I didnt give him an explanation why not, as the 'no thanks' was enough. I also made it clear through my actions that I didnt respond to any phone calls or emails unless they were during work time, on my work phone, or office mail. Anything out of hours or on personal mail etc was ignored. I didnt care if he got the message or no, I just did it and it worked great!

 

Dont worry about him being sad, who cares....look after yourself. He's still trying to play games by flirting with other office workers in front of you - just dont pay attention (indifference comes acros GREAT in situations like this!)-whatever he does, only pay attention if its work related.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I can never see why there is any reason to involve HR unless there is bitterness spilling over into harassment.

 

Two supposedly responsible adults that started an office affair SHOULD be able to resolve it in an adult way themselves or they would be better to not indulge in the first place.

 

 

I agree. So far there is no bitterness / harrassment so I'm not thinking along HR lines. These days its about the initial awkwardness / aftermath as we finish the affair (we were last "together" around 4 weeks ago).

 

I'm holding out hope it will get easier in the office, all in an amicable fashion.

 

Something I have decided to do this week, which I *can* control, is to work from home. Its nearly noon and so far no prying messages as to where I am.

 

(Nope - I'm not hiding, just need a few days out of the glare)

 

Current mood: Pretty ok. Something to be said for working in your pyjamas)

Link to post
Share on other sites

WS he didnt say I didnt ask the dates were no good so I declined and changed the subject. But it did bother me. I may have to see him in a few days for business and if we have a few minutes to talk I will let him know personal invitations are not welcome. I really dont want him to ask again. I was actually really surprised to find I didnt want to go. At all. What is there to say at this point? We have loads to discuss about work but outside of that I cant really think of anything to say to him. And there is nothing I want to hear from him anymore. Sad actually that the friendship is lost but at least we have preserved the working relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was actually really surprised to find I didnt want to go. At all.

Isn't it great to notice these signs of healing within yourself?

Your progress has been very evident from this side of the computer screen btw.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why is it out of the question for you to possibly move to another area? Or another department etc?

 

 

We sit in teams that need to be with each other in an open plan environment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks WS - he was very inconsiderate over the past few months and I dont think he just gets to "be my friend" after all that. I care deeply for him but friendship is not the same thing.

 

Sorry for hijack blueberry. If you cant move desks it does make it very difficult and in this economy looking for a job is probably not a realistic solution. The best you can do is to try to ignore him but I know how difficult that can be. Working from home is a good solution and dont be shy to tell him that you cant accept personal invitations and at least for the next few months you need to keep things strictly to work.

 

If he says he doesnt want to throw the friendship away say I am asking you as someone who cares about me, please respect my request. It may not make sense to you but this is important to me right now. If he is your friend and this is about being friends he will respond to that. If he doesnt just remind him I asked you as my friend to minimize contact for the next few months. Just keep singing your song.

 

Hang in there I know its rough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Help!

 

Has anyone got any bright ideas on how to go about NC in an office?

 

Its really hard :(

 

We are in direct line of sight - albeit from about 30 metres. Neither of us will leave our jobs. Neither of us can move desks.

 

He keeps asking me out for lunches as he "doesn't want to throw away our friendship" - I keep saying no. I feel like he is losing interest (a good thing, although it does hurt), but every time I look up, there he is, looking over with a sad look on his face.

 

I don't want to hurt him, but remaining "mates" is doing my head in.

 

Grrr. I've just stuck my earphones in because I can hear (and see) him joking and laughing with the office sl*t. Then he instant messaged me saying "wow - she is crazy, but really really funny".

 

WTF?

 

I just remain professional, yes? But not overly friendly?

 

This must me very tough for you. I give you a ton of credit for dealing with it as well as you have been. Is there anyway you can talk to someone in management and have the location of your work space changed? I think that would make things so much eaiser for you. If you must speak with him.. just keep it all business. Good luck.

 

 

AP:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sort of a T/J

 

The "office sl*t" wouldn't be the "office sl*t" if everyone at work didn't know about it.

 

Don't sh*t where you eat. But if it's too late for that, then don't behave in such a manner post-EMA that you become the next "office sl*t".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats useful Lucky One...

 

Blueberry the point about the behavior now is true - So far as I know noone knew about us when we were together but now some people have figured it out my fault as there were points when I was not cool about him and some people guessed. With one exception I did not confess but I know they know. And am not pleased with myself.

 

That being said all sorts of things go on in all sorts of offices and unless you have had multiple liasons with people in your office I would not worry about reputational issues. People get bored and like to talk but their attention is diverted quickly. If you work in the finance or housing industry there is enough going on that noone really cares about who you slept with (the bright side of the cloud...).

 

Just hold your head high and do your best with MM. Your work will speak for itself as will the fact that you keep your own counsel on your personal life going forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Office liasons are obviously never a great idea, yet a lot of us fall into it. I am pretty sure some people at work have guessed. You can only hide stolen lunches and after work "drinks" for so long...

 

I have been with my company for nearly 12 years and pride myself on professionalism and so no, I am not proud of my conduct. I also haven't had this happen to me before. But perhaps I was too gung-ho in calling her the office sl*t. Glass houses and stones, eh?

 

As I said, its only been going on for 6 months so I'm hoping it will fade away soon enough. Melt like it hadn't happened. Time will tell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Help!

 

Has anyone got any bright ideas on how to go about NC in an office?

 

Its really hard :(

 

We are in direct line of sight - albeit from about 30 metres. Neither of us will leave our jobs. Neither of us can move desks.

 

He keeps asking me out for lunches as he "doesn't want to throw away our friendship" - I keep saying no. I feel like he is losing interest (a good thing, although it does hurt), but every time I look up, there he is, looking over with a sad look on his face.

 

I don't want to hurt him, but remaining "mates" is doing my head in.

 

Grrr. I've just stuck my earphones in because I can hear (and see) him joking and laughing with the office sl*t. Then he instant messaged me saying "wow - she is crazy, but really really funny".

 

WTF?

 

I just remain professional, yes? But not overly friendly?

 

Just ignore him.. that will eat him alive... he is doing this to make you jealous.. and he probably knows it works.. ;)

 

Can you turn your desk around so you either face the wall... or face the other way... ignore him.. that should work..

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just ignore him.. that will eat him alive... he is doing this to make you jealous.. and he probably knows it works.. ;)

..

 

 

Sad but true. I'm pulling back, he is speeding towards me. I stand still, he heads in the opposite direction.

 

I've been inundated with messages since I've been working from home this week. I'm just staying cheery and saying there isn't any problem. I feel like I am spending my time patting him on the head and telling him everything will be OK. Yeah, thanks, nevermind about me eh!

 

Its the hunt isn't it. And when they don't get what they want they throw their toys out of the pram.:mad:

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...